What is happening in your brain?

[[me...]]

I do have one question. How is it that benzos "hurt" the nerves? Is it just because the body generally doesn't feel things the same way on benzos, since it's a tranquilizer and makes most everything duller?

[[ln...]]

Hi Eli....its been a very very long time for me and thought I would stop by.  I see that you are still sharing your successful journey and are so gracious.

 

I, too, am on another healing journey.  Tapered off of Klonopin use after 9 yrs....only to have to go back on due to a physical injury.  I was off for almost 18 months.....then back on.....now for nearly 2 yrs.  Once again suffering tolerance sx and the usual stuff.  Going to try and taper again.....we will see. 

 

Your words are so sweet and encouraging.....thx again Eli.

 

Benzobetty.

 

Hi!

 

I'm so sorry and although sorry doesn't offer much, for which I am sorry (ha), I am sorry nonetheless.  I read what, Ineasy2 had to share too (sorry, Ineasy2) and become more and more disheartened with the medical community (Psychiatry in particular) with each passing day, or story I should say, well, no, day...well, both I guess, yeah, both.  I had changed GP's midstream and upon doing so had to bring him up to speed with my medical history and medications, and then go over my future health/medical/medication plans (he was my folks Doctor so he was somewhat familiar already...mine too, 6 years prior for all of a month that is, but that's different story altogether).  I went on to explain how my Psychiatrist was on board with my wanting, better yet, needing to discontinue all meds, as he agreed this would be in my best interest.  My then new GP's only reply to this (with a smirk I might add) was, "Well this ought to be interesting".  Granted I was quite the mess at the time, but to be offered no compassion or understanding by the very hands of the one I just placed my life into was all but encouraging.  Fast forward now 4 (well actually 20) painful plus years and a list of medications that I needed to avoid had been compiled by my Psychiatrist and I to be shared with all my Doctors.  Which stated that I should never ever under any circumstances be administered any one of these meds ever, due to the devastating adverse life threatening paradoxical effect they have on me, ever.  Upon receipt of said list my GP, after seeing with his very own eye's all that I've gone through before during and after, replied with, "Well If I find it necessary to administer any of theses medications I will...with your consent.(close)"  Unbelievable! I've taken steps to ensure that this will never happen, but isn't the arrogance of it all amazing!?  To have confidence is one's ability is one thing, but this is a horse of another color altogether.  And, the only reason for this that I can see is pride, oh there's probably others, I'm sure, but pride's right up their at the top...or so I believe. 

So we all need to encourage one another.  Just imagine if we didn't have one another, much less BB, how much more difficult this would all be?  *shudder - shudder*  There is, No "we will see" because, Yes I will see you once again on this side...you'll see (haha), (you too, Ineasy2).

 

peace & light, dear friend

eli   

 

Eli

I can understand your frustration and anger. I haven't written everything re physicians and psychiatrists.

During the 1980's, I had a hysterectomy. After the hysterectomy, I developed a panic disorder. It scared me to death. I didn't know what was happening to me. So I sought the help of medical professionals...you know, those people who study all about the human body and what to do for patients when something goes wrong...

First off, I was sent to the mental unit of a hospital where a psychologist determined that I suffered from schizoaffective disorder...but the psychiatrist was treating me for a bipolar disorder, and I was on 5 psychotropic drugs all at the same time. I don't care how normal you are, if you are put on 5 psychotropic drugs all at the same time, you aren't going to be normal. Fortunately, my insurance wouldn't pay for more than two weeks, so I was set free to wander the streets, rabid and drooling from mental illness...actually, I went back to work. But the panic disorder just got worse. so I saw several more physicians who put me on antidepressants. I was diagnosed with atrial paroxysmal tachycardia...this physician said that the panic was caused by driving on the highway, with the window down, and a truck passes too close to my car and creates a vacuum on the driver's side, which causes my heart to beat too fast. I just looked at him like he was crazy. Now I get an MAOI inhibitor with a list of foods that I'm not supposed to eat. I take one pill and pass out...then I have a psychedelic experience in my brain. I thought I was going to die. The next doc told me that I needed a frontal lobotomy. I had nightmares over that one. Meanwhile, I am missing many days at work. My next trip was to a mental hospital under the premise that I was an alcoholic. The psychiatrist was a recovering alcoholic, himself, so when I told him that : "I am not, nor have I ever been and alcoholic"...he said I was in "denial" After months of therapy, he must have come to the realization that I wasn't an alcoholic, because he prescribed 4mg xanax/day. That was in 1987. I was put on disability at work, so I moved and found another pcp. Once diagnosed with a mental illness, it follows you forever. The new pcp did not take me off of xanax, as he should have done...instead he gave me a prescription for mellaril...Thorazine, because, unbeknownst to me, he had gotten my records from the first hospital and listed as my primary diagnosis...schizophrenia. I purchased a PDR after the MAOI experience, and looked up mellaril. I had no idea why he had prescribed this drug, because we had never even discussed mental illness, so I never took it. He thought I was taking it. Whan I discovered that he had listed my primary diagnosis as schizophrenia, I went ballistic. I told him that I did not have schizophrenia, and that my panic disorder was due to having had a hysterectomy...my hormones were all screwed up...my endocrine system was a mess, I was a walking "poster child" for hypothyroidism. I told him to remove the diagnoses of schizophrenia because it wasn't true. He refused. He said it would be illegal. I asked him to prove that I had schizophrenia...where are the brain scans, where are the MRIs, where are the blood tests that show that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain? He still won't remove the diagnosis of schizophrenia. When I talked with him about thyroid medication, he said he would give me Levothyroxine. I told him that it would not help me, because Levothyroxine is thyroxine or T4, the inactive form of the thyroid hormone. What I needed was triiodathyronine or T3, the active form of the thyroid hormone. He actually sat there and told me that T4 was the active form of the thyroid hormone and that is why there is so much more of it than there is T3. I just looked at the floor and shook my head. All of these "medical professionals" couldn't connect the dots. "We don't know what's wrong with her...and we're either too stupid, or too lazy to find out, so MEDICATE HER AND GIVE HER A MENTAL ILLNESS."

I couldn't get a prescription for progesterone from him because he said it would not do me any good, so I ordered the precursor for progesterone...pregnenalone ( don't need a prescription for that), and cured my own hypothyroidism

And you think you're pissed off at the medical profession?

Sorry this was so long. Just wanted to give you an idea of how bad it can truly get...if you are not your own doctor.

[[sm...]]

As a scientist, engineer and analyst, I keep re-reading the original post when I hit my rough spots. I need to keep reminding myself that there is truly a physical and chemical process going on and that it is not all in my head. So thank you Parker for the time and energy you put into this.

 

The one thing that keeps striking me every time I read this is just how amazing the human body and brain is... It knows just what to do and how to return to a normal stasis. It is true growth and healing. A wonderful analogy is that our experiences are like a tadpoles. They start in the muck, and suffer when they grow their legs. Then they emerge into the open air and become more free and strong. But they needed to hurt first. They healed, they didn't have to do anything to transform.... just persevere.

 

(BTW, I completely understand that this does not make it any easier, and that suffering is real. I have been there, am there, and will be there for a while.)

[[ol...]]

I found your post so encouraging and informative I had to send a short note to just say thanks.  I started tapering from clonazepam using the liquid taper method but I had already hit the tolerance wall and in addition to the sorts of issues you described my body developed an allergy to the drug.  Lots of hives and headaches, but fortunately nothing more serious than that.  Still I was at an odd dose so I couldn't go straight to valium immediately and had to slowly drop down to the point where I finally reached an even 23mg of valium and can now start tapering from the valium without the hives and headaches.  My biggest problems in switching to the valium has been the constant fatigue and lethargy during the day.  Everything takes so much effort, but your description  of the healing that is slowly taking place in my brain which will continue as I taper from the valium gives me the strength to push myself to exercise, stay connected with people and mainly just hang in there while the healing process unfolds.  It also is really helpful when I feel depressed to remind myself that it's also an effect of the healing process and that it will pass too.  The only positive aspect of this experience I have noticed concerns those random memories you mentioned that pop into your head.  So far mine have been almost uniformly positive and actually have provided me with some very pleasant moments remembering people and events I hadn't thought of in 40 years or more.  All things being equal I would pass on the memories and have my normal brain back but until that happens I will keep your post in mind and remember that some day my brain will heal.  Thanks again for taking the time to explain that healing process in such detail. 

[[A ...]]

Parker. I've read the very first post you made and jumped to the last page to write you....god what a inspiring essay.. and I have cried nearly 15 minutes before I could come back to my senses...I am healing. What a beautiful concept in the mist of indescribable chaos!!

[[...]]

Parker. I've read the very first post you made and jumped to the last page to write you....god what a inspiring essay.. and I have cried nearly 15 minutes before I could come back to my senses...I am healing. What a beautiful concept in the mist of indescribable chaos!!

 

A long time, this was a long time in coming for you, huh?  I'm so happy for you.  Encouragement and understanding is what's needed most and I believe you just received both.  Soli Deo Gloria!!!

 

peace & light

eli

[[Ge...]]

Parker,

 

Would you please address the foggy feeling, specifically (forgive me if you have and I overlooked it). Why does this cog fog happen? What is it related to? Is there anything on this planet that can help?? I need to be able to function and I am struggling terribly with this. I would be immensely grateful if you can reply or private message me.

 

Thanks!

[[A ...]]

For Eli.... yes it was ..... I used her analogies today to help me get thru my jogging....building shifted alittle...standby...  We're placing support beams on the left to upright this building.

.....should I only take a few moments....

[[sm...]]

Thank You for caring and taking the time to explain all of that.

[[St...]]

Thanks so much for posting this.  It helps to know we are healing and not falling apart!

[[mo...]]

Thank You !

[[Va...]]

Thank you for the great explanation!  It puts me more at ease! 

[[Sh...]]

Parker, you are awesome, thanks for this post!

[[Bi...]]

Thank-You SO much Parker! This appeals to my Brainiac Self! I couldn't find it, but you said getting up on a two step ladder, was impossible, and then you remodeled your entire house! {{{HOPE}}} This is the latest for me, VERTIGO! Something fierce! Can not take a shower, or even prepare a meal! But today I took a hot bath, and rinsed my hair sitting in the bottom of the tub! Today, I look for a Shower Chair.

 

In the late 80's I was a Equestrian, I competed Jumping Horses! I rode my 10-Speed all day, and for many miles. I had roller blades, (loved them!) I snow skied & water skied. In High School, I was a gymnast. Balance you see, has NEVER been a problem, so it is Heart-Breaking. I need to know this too shall pass? I am down to 1/2 mg, from 3 mg in March, 2015! I hope it wasn't too fast? It is what it is, and I am being supervised by a Doctor. It is like the blind, leading the blind, but her is pretty agreeable. I just don't ever want to go back? Take more? Please tell me, it won't get worse? 

[[fi...]]

Thank you so so so much for posting this. I'm in the first stages of my withdrawal (about halfway down from my starting dose and have just been getting side effects for a week or two now), so it's very new to me which makes it extra-scary. (Health anxiety doesn't help. )

 

But reading this calmed me a lot and made me smile through my tears. I feel awful (and will likely feel more awful further down the road), but reminding myself that these things are happening because my brain is healing itself and not because I'm gonna die. Because I'm not gonna die! But it can feel that way sometimes... and this really puts me at ease. Thank you thank you thank you. <3

[[Fa...]]

I really appreciated reading this post,as am going through a wave with bad insomnia ,and depression and am really very green when it cones to understanding the science of it ,but still have a question, maybe I'm really dense but what I still don't get is ,is my brain starting to heal itself  ,and the receptors starting to upgrade again during my taper.Because I've heard some people say healing doesn't start until the benzos are totally out of the system.Physiologically that's quite demoralizing as I've another 10months of taper to go .If I felt that I was healing whilst I was going through this hell of taper,even really slowly ,it would help.

Sorry if this is a daft question,also if I've written it in the wrong place!

[Guest [...]]

Fairport123,Your brain is definitely healing while tapering.The things are bodies work towards constantly is homeostasis/balance.Being on a benzo chemical-"benzo brain"is not a normal balanced state for us.As you taper off your brain works like crazy to rebalance itself back to normal.You will have side effects because of the way benzos mess with our GABA and vestibular,vision,etc.,but our bodies are so amazing how they can heal themselves if we stop whats messing them up.Just keep remembering that every time you get closer and closer to the end of a taper,you are getting closer and closer to normal!

[[hs...]]

It gives me somewhat of a relief to read this....I feel that what is written about the withdrawal is accurate....but its still so painful...and even more painful when day after the day you get no relief and the pain is the same or it worsens...I do not know how long it will take....but I believe that I will heal 100%! God bless all of you suffering through this ordeal!!!!

[[ss...]]

The best informative read for helping me cope. I much prefer some science behind the madness. Thank you, Parker. You have given me A LOT of hope

 

[[Fa...]]

220,

        Thanks so much for replying,your reply has helped make things a bit clearer.At least I can feel like every day is helping to get better,instead of thinking I've got a year before my brain even starts to heal.Like I said it may sound daft but physiologically it makes a big difference,and the symptoms a bit easier to cope with.Respect to everyone that's been through it ,and is still on the journey!.

[Guest [...]]

Fairport123,Hi!Just remember that even when you are completely off benzos,be patient,it takes time for the brain to totally heal and get back to normal,and some symptoms take longer to go away for different people.It took a long time for the anxiety and dizziness to improve for me,Im still having dizziness at 18months off,but its improved alot since I quit,by about 50%.I still have some anxiety,but it is so much lighter then it used to be!Your doing great,hang tough and soon you will be back to normal!Normal sounds so good!!

[[St...]]

My neurologist (that got me into this in the first place) wants me to go on seroquel to see if it will help with the dizziness/boaty feeling, head pressure and inner vibration.  I do not have the psych issues that this med is for and I am terrified to do anything that could slow down my withdrawal.  He talked to an addiction psychiatrist and this is what she recommended for my main symptoms. Any advice out there?

[Guest [...]]

Stephanie,I can tell you that for me,nothing helps with the dizziness.Ive tried some things and they dont help.Its one of those things that just takes time to heal,because its a GABA thing in your brain.After benzos your brain has to recalibrate and it takes time.I found trying too many other things and supplements just irritated things worse for me.I have been dizzy for 4yrs.,so I totally get how its hard to cope with!I am now 18 months off benzos,and I am now at a #3 on the dizzy scale.Its been getting so much better this past couple of months,and thats with doing nothing but praying, hanging in there and healing.Everybodys different,and Im sure some people wont be dizzy as long,but I know so many who have been dizzy/woozy/rocky boaty for a long time before they started to gradually heal.You can try meds if you feel like you should,but for me,Im too scared after benzos to take the chance of messing myself up worse.I hope you get some relief really soon from the dizzies,but hang in there,you are healing each day,just takes a long time.

[[St...]]

2200,

Thanks for your response.  I don't want to do anything that could interfere with my recovery.  My doctor said I should try it to try to improve my quality of life because I have been sick for so long.  Not 4 years tho!  Wow!  I just get freaked out over the way I feel.  Now I feel like he's going to be angry if I don't try it because he called the addiction psychiatrist to find out what to do.  I don't understand why she would think seroquel would help the dizziness.  I am so confused.  I am dependent on this doctor because I have severe migraines.  I just wish I would see some improvement so I could tell him I was starting to get better.

[Guest [...]]

Stephanie,Have you tried any magnesium for the migraines,Im thinking more of epsom salt baths?Ive read that coffee and magnesium helps alot with migraines.Magnesium is a more mild supplement,so if you did try something,that might help.I know if I soak even my feet in epsom salt,I sleep really well that night its so calming.You havent been off benzos for very long-it can take months to feel some symptoms get better-so its possible some of the migraine pain/dizziness could be from withdrawal.I know migraines can cause dizziness too.I know you show on your post that you had migraines prior to benzos?I can tell you I got head aches,brain jolts and fog,tinnitus,vision problems plus the dizziness from benzos,and I noticed all getting better the longer Im off them.The head aches scared me because I never had those before,and boy was I relieved to see those taper off,after a year or so off.Migraines must be so awful,Im sorry you get those!I wish I knew what to tell you about the Dr.,I know firsthand how they get mad at us sometimes when we dont want to do what they ask us to!You will make the right decision,just go with your gut feeling,and dont let some else push you into something your are not sure of.Dont be discouraged,but you are early in withdrawal,and it does take many months to heal.Sadly it just does.