The hardest thing I ever did

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yram - i will always love that name and you

you are an asset to the program

thank you for your recovery

xoxo

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Pan, what a lovely sentiment.

 

So today is a big day. ONE YEAR BENZO FREE. Plus it's mother day.

 

Yesterday I had a big achievement. I did what was for me a very physically challenging hike. It was a stretch but I completed it. During the hike, I thought back to how horrible I felt a year ago. I remembered a minor hike I took with my husband and step-kid, the DP, DR, anxiety, which on top of my physically limitations due to a poor recovery from knee replacement made the hike difficult and discouraging. I felt useless and washed up. I had moments when I was sure I would never be OK again. BUt yesterday was proof that miracles do happen.

 

I get so enthralled with nature. That's what kept me going on a hike that was difficult on my knees. I just love looking at nature and all it's sounds and smells. At one point we came to a small stream. We were thirsty at that point. I just sat and watched the water flow, occasionally dipping my cupped hands into the stream to ladle cool water into my mouth.

 

Life is unbelievably resilient. It's very nature is toward healing.

[[sk...]]

Congratulations ryam on 1 YEAR FREE  :yippee:

 

I was excited to read you can drink alcohol. I am not a big partaker but I really enjoyed a glass of wine here and there. I so hope that I will be able to do that again one day. I have read most people can't.

 

Thank you for your encouraging story.

 

S

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http://www.graphicsgrotto.com/glittergraphics/comments/congratulations/images/gccongratulations12.gif

 

One year free.....well done Yram

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hey girl - woke up this sat morning and thought of you.  hope you are wonderful. still going to meetings?  i am.  next month is my one year off.  still having tough days.  doing neural feedback for the depresssion.  i can tell i have improved.  reading your entire thread this morning helped me. 

 

man this is one shocking endeavor.  but it will make me a better person. nothing else can scare me; i've been scared to the core on this one.  tues was crazy.  that klon - the mental stuff is unbelievable.  i go from thinking i need to be locked up to geez why do you still believe it?

 

xoxo dear forever friend.  looking at a zebra butterfly on a fire bush and a squirrel eating a sunflower seed.  nature is amazing.  and it is healing us.xoxoxo

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Yes, Pan, nature is amazing.

 

Our nature is to heal . . . thank goodness . . . but the "damage" caused by benzos surfaces at times. I almost never drink any more. Sometimes I can have a drink without any problem. Two evenings ago we had some friends over for dinner, which in my mind called for margaritas. I had a small one around 6:30 pm. That evening I went to bed but didn't sleep that well. Next day I responded to things going on around me in the worst way possible. At some point I found myself shouting at my husband something to the effect that surely he wanted out of the marriage. (Oy!) He lost his sister to cancer less than a week before and had bigger things on his mind than my craziness. The rest of the day went no different. That night my body refused to go to sleep. Everything I could think of irritated me. Finally, at 4 a.m., I felt my mind and body relax. It was then that I realized that I had had a 30 hour episode of mild withdrawal from drinking one alcoholic drink.

 

It isn't always clear because I no longer experience the DP/DR (YES!), but withdrawal can make a return visit, and although it's quite subtle, after having a stormy relationship with one's GABA receptors for weeks, months or years, you become very very attuned to what your GABAs are doing. My GABAs are GREAT right now. But I think I'm going to stick to non-alcoholic beer from now on when I want to get wild and crazy. The price is just too high.

[[Ti...]]

Hi Yram--

 

So good to hear you are still feeling well.  Ahhh--miss those margaritas with this hot summer weather.  I agree that avoiding alcohol is best.  I am still tapering but told my husband that I am going to wait 1-2 solid years after my last benzo before I have a drink again.  After reading what you wrote, I am thinking 2 minimum.  I just wonder if 2 will turn into "never drinking again" because our GABA's are just too sensitive.  Hmmmm... Do we ever go back to how we were before?? (thinking aloud here--don't expect you to have the answer)

 

Take care,

Tina

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Tina, I think we do go back to being even better than we were. I sleep better, I am better at relaxing. But maybe that's because I am much more aware of things that irritate my GABAs. I take no NSAIDs now because they definitely antagonize my GABAs. So I will endure a headache rather than get rid of it with pills. And when I think about it . . . no alcohol actually is no loss.

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hey sweetie.  just wondering how you are.  it gives me hope that your dr/dp is gone.  that is still a toughie for me.  plus i still have these intense crying spells a lot.  a lot of anxiety still.  was really hoping to be better by a year but in month 13 now . dang it all.  it's a terrible process for me.  somehow i can keep going tho but at times i wonder how i can do it. 

depression is my big issue.

love you always

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I think of my benzo past on good days and on bad days. On good days I marvel how well I feel. Recently I was kayaking on the beautiful Maine coast, enjoying every moment fully, when it hit me how horrible I felt doing the same activity 14 months ago.

 

Recently I had 2-3 days that were horrible and only after I started to feel better did I realize that a stressful situation had brought on a withdrawal-like episode -- like aftershocks from an earthquake. I never seem to realize what's going on while I'm in the midst of it unfortunately. I just feel as if my life is spinning out of control. Fortunately these aftershocks don't have any of that cursed DR or DP.

 

These days I can say my good health has returned. My benzo illness was overlaid with a difficult surgical recovery. So many pills!! Now I take almost zero for pills of any kind. I've found it's just better to let my body do the work. And I'm so much more sensitive to medications.

 

I also like to come back to say, a great life lies ahead of us who suffer this horrendous withdrawal. If only we could know how long it will last.

 

 

 

 

[[St...]]

Dear yram,

 

Thank you for keeping your success post going.  It is so encouraging to see people that are healing and living a real life, the continuing process of this.

 

How wonderful that you have been able to return to being physical with hiking and kayaking.  My family was talking of planning a white water rafting trip next summer and I was hesitant on making the commitment.  I couldn't imagine myself being able to do something like that ever again. To live a full life with adrenaline rushes a year from now?  That would be wonderful.

 

I wish you much healing as you go along.

 

Enjoy life,

Sally 

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as u may recall i teach high school english.  first week last week and it was so much better than last year.  at 14 months off still a lot of anx and fatigue, but not so much dr/dp.  so glad of that.

huge storm here in so fla and no school today.  so glad.  i had no sleep.  my dog barked all night.

 

i know what u mean; when i get hit i get all analytical and can't just accept the w/d

 

do you think foood makes us nuts too?  i mean i know sugar and flour - but i had microwave popcorn and the next morn was rough.

 

i can't believe i lived thru this.  what a year.  phew

luv u always

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Pan, I have noticed some things set off w/d. I haven't noticed any food doing it. Some of us are more sensitive than others. Alcohol is a crap shoot. Sometimes it's not a problem, sometimes it ruins the following 24 hours due to poor sleep and mild anxiety. Even Tylenol is problematic. It seems almost benzo-like. I sleep well. Then I "pay" the price: anxiety. But not always.

 

Glad you're better. Teaching school!! Usually work helps me. I had another stressful week but at least reminded myself, this is an aftershock. Just ride it out! That was progress to figure it out in the middle rather than afterward.

[[ci...]]

Thankyou for your story. I too have been so worried that I won't be able to cope as each night is so difficult. I fear for the night.

 

But I noticed you said something about chatting with people online. Where is the chat room?? I can't find it. And I think it would help to have someone to talk to in real-time.

 

Thanks,

Juanita

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Juanita, I think they did away with the chat because there was too much rule breaking going on.

 

Anyhow, I've been through a very very difficult two months. My elderly mother who was full of spirit started to get pretty loonie and we didn't figure out why. Next thing, she got sick and in two weeks died. Six of those days she was in a coma. I was responsible for her care although I had help. I experienced lots of stress and lots of heartbreak, and I did have one or two episodes of w/d "aftershocks" induced by stress. But for the most part I felt solid.

 

So, everyone, remember that with each day, you're one day closer to being fully well, and will have one day less of w/d. It's good to get in the habit of acknowledging these small successes because they add up to the ultimate success.

[[fi...]]

Juanita, I think they did away with the chat because there was too much rule breaking going on.

 

Anyhow, I've been through a very very difficult two months. My elderly mother who was full of spirit started to get pretty loonie and we didn't figure out why. Next thing, she got sick and in two weeks died. Six of those days she was in a coma. I was responsible for her care although I had help. I experienced lots of stress and lots of heartbreak, and I did have one or two episodes of w/d "aftershocks" induced by stress. But for the most part I felt solid.

 

So, everyone, remember that with each day, you're one day closer to being fully well, and will have one day less of w/d. It's good to get in the habit of acknowledging these small successes because they add up to the ultimate success.

 

So sorry to hear about your mother, Yram.  I am helping to care for my elderly parents, so I know exactly the stress that can be involved.  At any rate, I hope things only improve for you.

 

fg

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Hello Yram -

 

Hope you don't mind, I have been reading through your success story.  We seem to have much in common, including the fact that we both go to AA meetings.  I have been going to AA meetings for many years, and have not had a drop of alcohol or any street drugs for years.  I can relate to what you were saying about our receptors being fragile.  After I sobered up from booze and recreational drugs, I noticed that I was sensitive to things that many aren't, such as strong smells.  Aside from that and some anxiety issues that I am now taking care of through therapy, I healed from 10 years of heavy drinking pretty well.  So, I feel cautiously optimistic.  It's very encouraging to hear that the dp/dr has disappeared for you.  That is the symptom that I have struggled with the most, and it is also the most prominent.  It HAS improved, but is still very much with me.  Sometimes I wonder if it will ever leave, and I have to remind myself that it has disappeared for everyone else, and it will for me as well.  I have to hang onto that hope. 

 

Anyway, so sorry to hear about your mother.    I hope things level out for you and that you will continue to enjoy your benzo-free life. 

 

 

See you around,

 

Redeemed