The hardest thing I ever did

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Until last year, the hardest thing I ever did was give birth to my first born. Now that's in 3rd place, followed by total knee replacement in 2nd place and benzo withdrawal in first place.

 

Derealization and depersonalization were not that difficult for me, but they made me feel like an alien in my own life and nearly destroyed my will to live.

 

In my opinion, HOPELESSNESS is a withdrawal symptom. In withdrawal, we don't feel like ourselves, the lives we knew seem to have vanished, and no one can tell us how long this will go on. I worried every day that my coping ability would not hold out. After I had passed the two month mark being benzo free and still suffering terribly with anxiety, DP, DR, insomnia, burning arms, crying spells, some lingering GI symptoms, tinnitus, etc., I made myself start accepting that I could be into it for a long time, possibly even 18 months. At that point I had suffered withdrawal symptoms for six months -- roughly two having interdose withdrawal without knowing it, two months tapering, and two months benzo free withdrawal.

 

Friends and family were sympathetic, but they could not understand, and most of them did not know what to do with me. I stayed to myself a lot. A saving grace was one friend who got together with me nearly every day to walk our dogs. She didn't understand, but she listened while I described what was happening to me without too much whining. Although he didn't understand, my husband was a rock star by taking care of day-to-day matters of our lives and the household.

 

This forum was a god-send. On one hand some of the things I read scared the holy c--p out of me. On the other hand, it was profoundly comforting to interact with people who understood. I needed that. I remember in particular one morning going on chat at 4 am after not sleeping most of the night. My withdrawal lifted while I was in chat. The moderators on this forum have been solid, and are to be commended for the integrity they maintain.

 

Big hugs and thanks go to LP, whose daily contact kept my head above water. He will always feel like family.

 

I turned out to be one of the lucky ones. Like you, I researched and researched my symptoms, benzo withdrawal, and the whole shooting match. Why not? I was not functioning well, and it gave me some purpose. I scrutinized everything I was taking or doing. When I researched side effects of the Celebrex I was taking for my osteoarthritis, I was amazed to learn on the website askapatient.com that people had suffered all my w/d symptoms as side effects to Celebrex. I tried switching to Aleve. I had a brief window before the suffering resumed. Then on July 19th I gave quitting Aleve a try. By the following Monday, ALL my withdrawal was GONE COMPLETELY. It turns out that NSAIDs can antagonize GABA receptors.

 

My joints, especially my total knee replacement, was very unhappy that I gave up NSAIDs. After three weeks I gently re-introduced them without any problem. I can drink alcohol again. It's as if I was Dorothy in Oz for six months, and now I'm back in Kansas without any noticeable change except for some wisdom I hadn't planned on.

 

My advice to you who are still on this difficult journey is to keep telling yourself that you WILL get through it. Be gentle and understanding with yourself. Your withdrawal symptoms do not signal that something is wrong with you. They are only telling you that your body is righting the ship. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Remember who you were, and remind yourself every day that what's wrong with you is because of withdrawal. Therefore, do not "own" your w/d as being part of you, only as something happening to you. Invest a little creative energy imagining how you will celebrate your success. AND ABOVE ALL, nurture your HOPE, because HOPE can get us through anything.

 

 

[[Pa...]]

Hi yram,

 

Thank you, I agree, hopelessness is a symptom.  Thank you for letting us know what helped you and how you're doing now.  I hope you'll stick around to keep telling others they'll heal, people need to hear it over and over again.

 

Pam

[Guest [Si...]]

[[St...]]

yram,

 

Thank you for posting your story, this is an inspiring for us all. I'm happy to know that you're healed from 'the hardest thing you ever did', congratulations! 

 

[[Ju...]]

Yram, your story brought it to my attention that taking NSAIDs could be worsening my symptoms. naturally, in withdrawal, we have lots of aches and pains. I was taking near-daily doses of ibuprofen or aleve until I read your signature line one day. I have not taken an NSAID in a couple of weeks, and the days are getting brighter and brighter, and the windows longer. I no longer have the aches and pains, even.  I'm not completely sure NSAIDs were completely to blame for my exacerbated symptoms, but that's what it seems to be to me.  Thank you so much!!

[[Ka...]]

Going though this journey can make us stronger in many ways and it's great to know that you obviously are..

Celebrex made me so ill (just 1 pill), after I had a knee injury, that it felt like I was dying..but that's story for another board.

Congratulations and best wishes for continued good health.

 

Kat

 

 

[[Po...]]

It is so encouraging to hear a story of success. I'm beginning to think any medicine that you take to make you feel better, makes you feel worse in the long run.  Enjoy life,  you so deserve it.   

[[ja...]]

Yram...

 

I am so thrilled for you! Your story was really encourgeing I loved it !

Thats so wonderful your healed ..

 

I hope all your steps be Blessed always..

 

~Jenny

[[WT...]]

I'm SO glad you are healed!    I hope to join you in those ranks soon. 

[[...]]

You'll always be family to me as well Yram Although I thought you were a guy when we first met on the forum, so funny...

This is why people bond so much in WAR, no one can understand that exp and those closest to you when the bullets are flying become family forever.

 

Much love to you and yours hun... I'm here when you need me!

[[jo...]]

Thanks Yram for sharing your experience.

 

I also like your post LP about families forming in times of adversity.

 

love

R x

[[...]]

Thanks for all your kind words everyone.

 

LP, I was just thinking that a day or two ago, about the way war bonds people.

[[le...]]

Hi Yram,

 

I just now saw your success story post, and can very much identifiy with your title:  The Hardest Thing I Ever Did.  I am so glad that you have "passed through the fire" and are now on the other side...and that you have come back to tell us what it is like!  A story like yours does, indeed, inspire HOPE for those still pushing through the darkness.

 

I appreciate that you also posted about NSAID's.  I also was prescribed Celebrex for my pain, and tried it afresh back in late spring.  I had a doctor visit a couple of days after I started taking the celebrex, and was so surprised to see my blood pressure elevated (NEVER before a problem for me) as well as some other "odd" things going on.  I quit taking it immediately.  Recently, I think I have had reactions to Naprosyn.  Because of your post here, I am going to do a little more research.

 

Congratulations, Yram!

 

~Leena

[[...]]

Just wanted to add this to my story --

 

What I found helped most through four months of w/d symptoms was 12 step meetings. As I struggled with symptoms each day, knowing I would attend a meeting that evening gave me strength. Most of the time I left meetings feeling better, and looking forward to the next day's meeting. AA has a passage called "The Promises" which became very special to me. Even though it was written for alcoholics, it's one of the things that gave me hope:

 

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom, and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."

 

"Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among -- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."

 

I am not a very religious or even spiritual person, but in the throes of withdrawal over which I had almost no control, I saw no other choice but to view my role in my own life differently.

[[...]]

yram - your story brought tears to my eyes this am.  i am feeling so sad and weak right now.  my knees hurts a lot too. i am so weary of being so unmotivated.

i have gone to aa and na and alanon for many years and hear the promises read regularly;  it is great to know aa is always there for me.  the meetings are so positive and they have cultivated hope inside me.

thanks for encouraging us.  this seems so darn endless and i am discouraged i guess. have 3 days off...glad i made it back to work; a lot of papers i can correct.  turning it into  a "get to" smile

[[ch...]]

Thanks for sharing your story. This is one of the better success stories I have read. Thanks again.

 

 

Chrisw

[[...]]

Pan, when I became benzo free I had expectations. At first it was, "I'll be a lot better in a week." Which I was. I had great windows. Then I saw no improvement. I was like, "I'll be better in a month." A month came and went, and about the 6th or 7th week benzo free I hit a real low point. It was about things not getting better, not meeting expectations, and having no control over it.

 

Hang in there. I'm thinking you don't have much further before you're much better, Pan. Could be wrong, but who knows?

[[Li...]]

Hello Mary, it is so wonderful to know you are healed!

 

Your posts have always been encouraging and truly inspirational. Please keep us posted and let us know how you are progressing.

 

Take care,

 

Lida

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Hi Lida  I've missed you! lol

Sucks that I cant email you anymore

 

How are you?

[[Li...]]

Hi LP, I have missed you too!

I have been doing well; serious changes at work have kept me busy!

I am sorry to read that you had some sxs return, I have experienced the same mess! I was moving right along and out of no where, I was hit with anxiety from hell with the dreaded racing heart! I feel better today, even better since I have heard from my buddy!

 

Take care and lets try to keep in touch

Happy Tuesday!

 

lida

 

 

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yram - thanks so much.  i know expectations are resentments in the making but here i am and in month 3 i have felt so crazy i almost thought i should be in detox somewhere.  i felt so sick that i felt i must be so far from healing.

u said the dr and dp did not bother you?  it makes me feel nuts or something.  how did u handle that so well?

i am sorry but i am so discouraged.  i feel so bad i just cry.  thank u so much for encouraging me.

i am so happy u r doing better;  i can't wait til this is more behind me.  it is really hard.xoxo

[[...]]

Pan, if this process was not so bewildering, so bizarre, so damned tough, this forum would not even exist. Boy do we need each other!

 

I experienced all the same sentiments as you. In the moment it's sucky. The dp/dr didn't really bother me because I accepted it, although I did fear I would never feel part of real life again. I stayed home a lot, was very selective about who I spent time with. But maybe it didn't bother me because the anxiety bothered me so much.

 

Dealing with withdrawal required me to screw up my courage, line up my attitude, and assemble my courage each and every morning for the following 24 hours. And sleeping only 2 hours a night much of the time, it means having to sustain that effort more than the usual waking hours. It is just really really tough. It's really OK to feel like quitting, feel crazy, and feel discouraged. That's actually sane, all things considered!

 

You are welcome to PM me anytime you need encouragement. My one special buddy was in touch every day, and if he didn't hear from me, he'd worry.

[[...]]

yram - thank you so much.  i would really appreciate having you as a special buddy.  i sometimes feel left out even on here. 

you are so right - this calls for so much inner strength; i am so thankful and proud of myself that i went to work today and that i made it through a very tough day.

thanks for validating the weirdness; it feel so weird i keep needing to hear that it is that way for others too.

i know that i will be a more grateful person after this; when i am in a window i say inside "YES - this is life and it is so wonderful and normal and perfect!"  whereas before i let myself get grumpty too easily.

i don't think pm's are back are they?  that would be cool if they are....xoxoxoxo

your story is amazing

[[Ta...]]

Yram,

 

I just saw your success story.  Thank you so much for posting this.  I so need it today.  I am in a bad spot right now, I am 7 1/2 weeks off of Klonopin.  I am right in the thick of things.  I know that you were still feeling yucky at 8 weeks off, so it is so nice to know that in just a short time more you were feeling signifcantly better.  It is good to know that it is possible to get through this without the 18 months of suffering. 

 

thank you so much and congrats!

Tamzo

[[Ga...]]

Very big congratulations to you! You must be massively proud. It was reassuring to read your post and it has made me sure that this site is a good source of support for me with my current situation. Can I ask about the Celexa? How are you finding them? Are they working for anxiety? I noticed you started taking them a month after being liberated. Is this something you would recommend?

All best,

Gaz