Could Really Use an Experienced Member to Chat With

[[So...]]

Hi everyone, I usually try to exude positivity on here but I'm gonna be honest, I am at a lose right now and am at the lowest ebb I've ever been in.

 

I have been having symptoms almost non stop for 7 months now.  I know that i reinstated and that's on me, I could potentially be better right now but I can't change that.  I do not seem to get the glorious windows that other members talk of and it has been very hard for me.  I won't lie and say that I never have had a good moment, but even 75% better no I have not felt that in a long time.

 

I'm not even sure if what I have is akathisia, some say yes, some say no becuz I do not pace, but whatever this is it sucks no matter what you call it.  I am having intense fear and adrenaline surges and a severe dysphoric depression that makes me want to give up.

 

I have always even a fighter, but it's like the process has taken every fiber of my previous self from me.  There is no comfort and no rest.  No joy or feeling good.  Just panic and dysphoria. 

 

It has been especially bad the past two weeks.  I know that there is no one that can tell me how long this will last or give me relief- I'm not asking for that.  I do know that many many of you brave warriors have had a similar experience and I guess even just some guidance in how to get through prolonged periods of suffering would help. 

 

I am so tempted to just take a massive amount of drugs so I can get a break from this discomfort and dysphoria.  I do not want to as I don't want to set myself back. 

 

I have found that the only thing that helps me even slightly is opiods, specifically kratom.  I have been very strict about my intake on that, taking it only for 2 or 3 days at a time when I really need a break.  I'm so tired in looking for drugs as an escape, I've done this since I was 14 yrs old, but I also can't help but feel jealous and sad that the reason I've ever even taken drugs is just a profound displeasure of the way I feel, and I know many people can just feel good on their own without.

 

So I guess as much as I've tried to deny, I would say that my problem is also one of an addictive personality.  I have a really hard time just sitting and dealing with pain, and MAN is this painful.  I have been through every type of pain imaginable, physical, mental and emotional, for prolonged periods of time in my life and NOTHING tops benzo wd. 

 

To anyone who has been thru it with no windows, how did you find the faith and the courage to keep moving? For anyone who has dealt with immense fear and panic, how do you sit with that and just allow it to happen?  For anyone who has felt so uncomftable and restless you could just escape your own body it was so bad, how do you cope? I could really use a mentor or just some kind words. 

 

Anyways, if nothing else, thanks for the ear.  I will continue to try and be strong but the longer this goes on, the more I falter.  I want to be a good wife, daughter, friend, and eventually, for the reason I started this journey, a mom.  That's all I want.  I will never know why the road had to be so hard and so long for me, but I truly just want a simple life.  I want to want to be here on this earth.  I want to feel comfort, joy, and rest.  I am weary, friends.

[[Ha...]]

Hi Soapybiits,

Please hang on. This process is brutal but things can improve quickly.

I was in utter terror for most of 2 years, not every minute but a lot of it.

At about 16 months after quitting I just felt good……miraculous! Many members here have had sudden improvements and so might you.

I feel your weariness in your words. It’s so hard, I feel for you.

Just one more day then one more day………it’s the only way.

Thinking of you and praying for you.

Hardy x

[[je...]]

Hi Soapybits

 

You said you always try to be positive but today you can't. For what it's worth I find your post still beaming with positivity. You are struggling and at such a low point but still don't want to give in to these feelings. You are still longing and fighting for happiness, joy and a full recovery. Today you might feel defeated but it simply means you've lost the battle not the war. You have fought so hard to get to this point. You can do this. 

[[So...]]

Aww thank you so much for the support, this honestly made me smile, it's amazing what a kind word can do for the soul.  That is right, I have lost this days battle but not the war and I must keep pushing onward!

 

Hardy, I am so thankful to hear that you are FINALLY feeling better, wow, what a long journey but it must feel so good to be on the other side my friend!  I will hang on to whatever sliver I've been holding onto this whole time.  One more day.. yes.  Then another.  I am praying for you as well for your continued recovery and victory!

 

Jelly, thank you so much for saying my post still seems positive, it is nice to know I still haven't lost all of that even on my darkest days.  I am still fighting and the happiness and joy are waiting for me on the other side I'm sure! 

[[Ac...]]

I agree with jelly.  Your post was positive, even though you're in the dumps.  I think that's a good sign.  Heck, your positivity made ME feel better, when you're the one asking for help.  I know how cruel this all feels.  Hang in there.  One day you'll feel better, one day you'll get a window, or just a day with fewer symptoms.

[[So...]]

Accidental, awe you guys are literally making me tear up, I'm so happy that this beast hasn't taken my whole identity like I think it has sometimes, its hard to see things clearly at all when you're in this. 

 

You hang in there too and if you ever need anything my dms are open.  Even a day with fewer symptoms would be great so I am looking forward to it!  They say when you're on the otherside things are even more beautiful than they were before and you have newfound gratitude so just keep thinking forward to that, I will too!