Through the Dark and Into the Light - My Journey So Far

[[Wi...]]

Hello everyone,

 

This will be my first time addressing anyone about my experience outside of a very small circle of people.  What has been a very intense journey is tough to sum up with words.  Below is a quick summary.

 

For about 2.5 years, I was taking between 0.5-6.0 mgs of xanax every single day.  After many failed attempts at tapering off on my own, I decided to seek professional help.  What had already been months and months of my own personal hell was about to turn into a literal living nightmare.  I explained my overall situation to a medical detox facility, who ensured me they could safely taper me off my dose of xanax in 10 days time.  I agreed to move forward with the detox treatment and placed my overall trust & faith in their hands.  It is impossible to convey the level of mental/physical pain I experienced during these next 10 days.  There were many moments where I would have taken my own life in order to escape the mind-bending torture.  I've come to learn that for about 8 days straight, I was on the verge of full on psychosis and seizure.  I also came to learn that this detox facility was administering the same 10-day Serax (Oxazepam) taper to every single patient, regardless of substance/alcohol type and overall dosage (they had informed me my taper experience was strategically customized - lies!)

 

Here's where I will rush my story.  To fully explain everything in detail would take hours and hours of typing.

 

Fast forward to day-10 and I receive my last small dose of Serax and discharged regardless of my physical and mental state.  Within 24 hours of the last dose, I slipped into a seizure.  In the ER, I am placed on a small dose of Ativan and discharged.  After pleading with the NP that I am not well and need to stay, I shortly after slipped into another seizure.  Hours later I wake up in the ICU of a top-tier hospital in my home city of Manhattan, NY.  After 3 more days of excruciating hell, I am stabilized and begin a slow slow taper of Phenobarbital.  13 days prior I had left my home and placed my trust in the hands of what I thought was a well-designed system to safely get me off benzos.  I was fully expecting to feel physical and mental pain beyond belief, but the fact that I almost died twice while working my way through this recovery "system" completely uprooted my sense of safety and overall wellbeing.  What anxiety lied ahead was made even worse by my traumatic tumble into the life of benzo withdrawal.

 

My discharge from detox was 8 months ago to the day.  I have not touched a benzo since my hospital stay.  My phenobarbital taper finished last month.

 

All things considered, I am doing extremely well!  I have experienced a whole array of symptoms ranging from anxiety, tremors, akathisia, insomnia, panic attacks, and suicidal ideation.  However, week by week and month by month I am constantly improving.  I still have plenty of symptoms, but now know through educating myself that everything is going to work out with time.

 

I'm joining this forum to share my experience and learn more from others.  I also hope I can help newcomers believe that recovery is possible -- KEEP GOING!!

[[Pa...]]

Hello WilliamWonka welcome to BenzoBuddies,

 

First of all, congratulations on surviving your detox, your experience mirrors just about everyone who has gone that route, its barbaric what they put us through and you get the added privilege of paying them for that torture.  Detox doesn’t work with benzo’s, but those thieves will continue to mislead people.

 

I’m happy to hear you’re doing better now and look forward to you sharing your experience with our members.  I’ll provide a couple of links to get you started, feel free to explore the forum.

 

Pamster

 

Ashton Manual symptom list

 

 

Post-withdrawal Recovery Support