Some of us dont heal.

[[re...]]

Well, if your doctor thinks cymbalta might work, I'm not going to tell you that's wrong. Obviously most of us here, with our bad experiences, no longer automatically agree with everything the doctors say. But I, at least, don't automatically disagree either. Maybe the cymbalta will help. It's just that I would think a more conservative approach would be to try a benzo first, followed by a smooth taper once you've stabilized. But maybe they think the benzos are more dangerous than the cymbalta.

At least you have that other option, and maybe it will work. I gather you haven't made up your mind yet. Why don't you post about your doctor's cymbalta recommendation and see if anyone else has been put on that and how it worked for them. That may help you decide whether or not you want to try it.

[[de...]]

Cymbalta screwed me.  But that's just me.  Everyone is different.  I don't  take anything now and I'm still improving, slowly.  Acceptance helps. 

[[pl...]]

Well, if your doctor thinks cymbalta might work, I'm not going to tell you that's wrong. Obviously most of us here, with our bad experiences, no longer automatically agree with everything the doctors say. But I, at least, don't automatically disagree either. Maybe the cymbalta will help. It's just that I would think a more conservative approach would be to try a benzo first, followed by a smooth taper once you've stabilized. But maybe they think the benzos are more dangerous than the cymbalta.

At least you have that other option, and maybe it will work. I gather you haven't made up your mind yet. Why don't you post about your doctor's cymbalta recommendation and see if anyone else has been put on that and how it worked for them. That may help you decide whether or not you want to try it.

No i know it wont. I have Akathisia and meds are notorious for making it worse and starting it

[[So...]]

I have neuropathy, Inner Akathisia, insomnia, dpdr that have only gotten worse since my injury. Those are just a few of my dozens and dozens of symtpoms. I was hopeful at first but only further deteriorated. I have been feeling this way since February. My last rescue dose was april....The only people i have spoken to who have struggled as much as i do are still not recovered

 

Awwww plad!!! 😢

I was wondering how you were doing. I’m sorry it’s still beyond bad. I know. I get it.

Remember me……I was 100% disabled!!! Couldn’t even wipe my own ass or bathe or feed myself! And I was bedridden and had every symptom in the book as well. I had akathisia…..WHILEp not being to move or walk!!!!! and the neuropathy and nerve pain was unbelievable. Maybe if we talk again I will send you a video??? I don’t mind because it may help to actually SEE what it was like for me! Because when I was in it I felt EXACTLY like you. Thinking no one could possibly be as bad as me and then recover fully.

 

But I did!!!! And honestly between 5-6 months…. Was my literal undoing. It was the worst of the worst. 

I do not know how long it will be for you, but you must know that I had a million mris and every test under the sun…….I had an absolutely  perfect brain. No permanent injury. Please don’t believe this is permanent!!!! I know, I know…..easier said than done!

 

I’m so so so sorry though. Because I wholeheartedly understand where you are right now.

I tried to reinstate at 5 months… only made me worse. However at 6 months I did start taking stuff for the nerve pain and neuropathy. So I understand the desperation. Being in constant torment without windows and being completely disabled is like a WHOLE  never level or layer added to the withdrawal.

    When you can’t even hold up a pen or a phone or a spoon, and you can’t get up and walk to the bathroom….you have to be carried and have someone else wipe you…….. and ALL THE WHILE screaming from the nerve pain, and akithesia, the panic, the burning skin, the insomnia, the tight squeezing, the daggers, the DP, the exhaustion, the numb parts, the hot and cold, the terror, the visual problems, the ears screaming, the head pain, the nausea, the vomiting, the blood pressure issues, the tachycardia, the muscle pain, the muscle spasms, the muscle twitches, the malnutrition, and really I could go on………. And yes, I really did have all these at the same time and more.

 

And even with me taking the nerve pain med and it helping in month 7…… it still took me around 18 months to feel good and strong again, say that I was finally better. And at 2 years off I would say full recovery. I’m 3 years off now and still doing fantastic.

So yes…..FULLY disabled by WD……not permanent.

 

Just want to encourage you because I know you have no hope  

It was not a permanent brain injury!

 

-SB 

[[pl...]]

I have neuropathy, Inner Akathisia, insomnia, dpdr that have only gotten worse since my injury. Those are just a few of my dozens and dozens of symtpoms. I was hopeful at first but only further deteriorated. I have been feeling this way since February. My last rescue dose was april....The only people i have spoken to who have struggled as much as i do are still not recovered

 

Awwww plad!!! 😢

I was wondering how you were doing. I’m sorry it’s still beyond bad. I know. I get it.

Remember me……I was 100% disabled!!! Couldn’t even wipe my own ass or bathe or feed myself! And I was bedridden and had every symptom in the book as well. I had akathisia…..WHILEp not being to move or walk!!!!! and the neuropathy and nerve pain was unbelievable. Maybe if we talk again I will send you a video??? I don’t mind because it may help to actually SEE what it was like for me! Because when I was in it I felt EXACTLY like you. Thinking no one could possibly be as bad as me and then recover fully.

 

But I did!!!! And honestly between 5-6 months…. Was my literal undoing. It was the worst of the worst. 

I do not know how long it will be for you, but you must know that I had a million mris and every test under the sun…….I had an absolutely  perfect brain. No permanent injury. Please don’t believe this is permanent!!!! I know, I know…..easier said than done!

 

I’m so so so sorry though. Because I wholeheartedly understand where you are right now.

I tried to reinstate at 5 months… only made me worse. However at 6 months I did start taking stuff for the nerve pain and neuropathy. So I understand the desperation. Being in constant torment without windows and being completely disabled is like a WHOLE  never level or layer added to the withdrawal.

    When you can’t even hold up a pen or a phone or a spoon, and you can’t get up and walk to the bathroom….you have to be carried and have someone else wipe you…….. and ALL THE WHILE screaming from the nerve pain, and akithesia, the panic, the burning skin, the insomnia, the tight squeezing, the daggers, the DP, the exhaustion, the numb parts, the hot and cold, the terror, the visual problems, the ears screaming, the head pain, the nausea, the vomiting, the blood pressure issues, the tachycardia, the muscle pain, the muscle spasms, the muscle twitches, the malnutrition, and really I could go on………. And yes, I really did have all these at the same time and more.

 

And even with me taking the nerve pain med and it helping in month 7…… it still took me around 18 months to feel good and strong again, say that I was finally better. And at 2 years off I would say full recovery. I’m 3 years off now and still doing fantastic.

So yes…..FULLY disabled by WD……not permanent.

 

Just want to encourage you because I know you have no hope  

It was not a permanent brain injury!

 

-SB 

I appreciate all the kind words. I really do. You are truly a source of inspiration. Maybe im just not strong wnough...to be honest my agoraphobia and inner terror is so strong i csnt even leave my home barely. Although i am physically able. I am way too terrified. theae benzos ruined my brain!! I feel crazy i used to grt windows at night now nothing.

[[De...]]

How long are you guys off that are saying you won't heal?

[[Ha...]]

Hi plan, I feel for you very much. It’s a very frightening place to be. Please hang on just get through the day.

Please ignore this if it’s not helpful but I decided a while back to do one single thing each day to help get going again……I was pretty much bedridden.

I took a can of beans in each hand and lifted them up 10 times.

I know, that’s  nothing, but it helped me to know that maybe tomorrow I could lift them 20 times….etc…etc

4 months hit me so very hard. Heading to 5 months it’s a tiny bit better but definitely no windows.

You are so worth getting better. Just get through the day, the hour, the minute.

Every good wish Hardy.

[[Br...]]

I have been on this site for a long time. I am happy to report that I am 40 months off. Like you I thought I would never heal, honestly everyone thought they were going to be the ones that are too damaged, too broken. Guess what, none of those people are on this site anymore...they have deactivated their account or have never come back because they have healed. I am 95% healed, but I do have small hormonal waves. I was a mess. I was baker acted, suffered for 2.5 years. It was terrible.  It takes awhile. Im 40 months off and still not 100%. Give it time. Don't say stuff like that, dont put that in your mind bc it makes everything harder to overcome. Give yourself grace. Positive self talk, " I will get through this." I eat super healthy, exercise. Actually just last night I was at a huge dinner having a glass of wine and laughing. It gets good again.

[[Sn...]]

I have been on this site for a long time. I am happy to report that I am 40 months off. Like you I thought I would never heal, honestly everyone thought they were going to be the ones that are too damaged, too broken. Guess what, none of those people are on this site anymore...they have deactivated their account or have never come back because they have healed. I am 95% healed, but I do have small hormonal waves. I was a mess. I was baker acted, suffered for 2.5 years. It was terrible.  It takes awhile. Im 40 months off and still not 100%. Give it time. Don't say stuff like that, dont put that in your mind bc it makes everything harder to overcome. Give yourself grace. Positive self talk, " I will get through this." I eat super healthy, exercise. Actually just last night I was at a huge dinner having a glass of wine and laughing. It gets good again.

 

We need messages like this. I'm glad you're doing okay now. I hope that the topic starter will put hope out of this.

 

When I'm healed, I'm not just going to leave benzobuddies. I owe this this site my health and my life. It would be ungrateful to just leave. I will write a success story and I will spread the word as much as I can about this medication and the doctors involved. I'm way too pissed. You can't do this to people.

[[Br...]]

I understand how you feel. I will write a success story, but I was waiting till I get to the 4 year mark. I used to live on this site. I would spend hours going through posts that gave me hope, and posts that scared me and made me feel defeated. Now i rarely come on. I used to be able to completely feel empathize and feel the pain of others, now I cant. I remember the suffering, but I am don't feel it anymore, therefore I dont need to come to this site. I don't recognize any of the names on here, which is good because it means people have healed. I mean I saw AWFUL situations come and heal on this site. You take it one day at a time and get through each day and each night. Your life will fall apart, your body and mind will fall apart as well. Then very slowly it starts to come back together again. You'll have a good day then do too much and slip back into a wave. Soon you'll have a good week, then a good month. It took me about 2.5 years to get to good days. Now I have 6+months of good days. At 4 years I will be 100%. But I put in the work. I ate healthy when I didn't want to eat at all. I exercised even when it made me feel worse. I talked myself through the worst of days and told myself I will get better even when I doubted it. I was on this site and in support groups. I few months ago I dropped the support group and feel good about it. I drink 🍷, but love my mocktails now. I go to the beach, wakeboarding on the lake, I get dressed up for date nights with my hubby, and most recently was a crew leader for Vacation Bible School. Sometimes you have to let your life fall apart before you can put the pieces back together.  Let go and trust the process, your body knows what to do.

[[Fo...]]

I understand how you feel. I will write a success story, but I was waiting till I get to the 4 year mark. I used to live on this site. I would spend hours going through posts that gave me hope, and posts that scared me and made me feel defeated. Now i rarely come on. I used to be able to completely feel empathize and feel the pain of others, now I cant. I remember the suffering, but I am don't feel it anymore, therefore I dont need to come to this site. I don't recognize any of the names on here, which is good because it means people have healed. I mean I saw AWFUL situations come and heal on this site. You take it one day at a time and get through each day and each night. Your life will fall apart, your body and mind will fall apart as well. Then very slowly it starts to come back together again. You'll have a good day then do too much and slip back into a wave. Soon you'll have a good week, then a good month. It took me about 2.5 years to get to good days. Now I have 6+months of good days. At 4 years I will be 100%. But I put in the work. I ate healthy when I didn't want to eat at all. I exercised even when it made me feel worse. I talked myself through the worst of days and told myself I will get better even when I doubted it. I was on this site and in support groups. I few months ago I dropped the support group and feel good about it. I drink 🍷, but love my mocktails now. I go to the beach, wakeboarding on the lake, I get dressed up for date nights with my hubby, and most recently was a crew leader for Vacation Bible School. Sometimes you have to let your life fall apart before you can put the pieces back together.  Let go and trust the process, your body knows what to do.

I ate when I wasn't hungry,  healthy,

I train when my body doesn't want to.

 

I appreciate this post alot and I'm so glad you're good now.  Thank you. 

[[Ha...]]

How you doing Plad?

[[de...]]

Plad:

 

Brokenpetals said it so well.  Your life will fall apart, but it will come back together again.......it takes time!    Everyone heals!  Some slower than others.  You need to stay positive and like Brokenpetals said, do the things you need to do even if you don't feel like it.  Socialize, run errands, exercise, eat right, go to a support group (I go to AA even though I am not an alcoholic or an addict), and it has been tremendously helpful.  Lots of love in those rooms.  This will get better, but it will probably be the hardest thing you ever have to do do.

 

[[Sn...]]

I understand how you feel. I will write a success story, but I was waiting till I get to the 4 year mark. I used to live on this site. I would spend hours going through posts that gave me hope, and posts that scared me and made me feel defeated. Now i rarely come on. I used to be able to completely feel empathize and feel the pain of others, now I cant. I remember the suffering, but I am don't feel it anymore, therefore I dont need to come to this site. I don't recognize any of the names on here, which is good because it means people have healed. I mean I saw AWFUL situations come and heal on this site. You take it one day at a time and get through each day and each night. Your life will fall apart, your body and mind will fall apart as well. Then very slowly it starts to come back together again. You'll have a good day then do too much and slip back into a wave. Soon you'll have a good week, then a good month. It took me about 2.5 years to get to good days. Now I have 6+months of good days. At 4 years I will be 100%. But I put in the work. I ate healthy when I didn't want to eat at all. I exercised even when it made me feel worse. I talked myself through the worst of days and told myself I will get better even when I doubted it. I was on this site and in support groups. I few months ago I dropped the support group and feel good about it. I drink 🍷, but love my mocktails now. I go to the beach, wakeboarding on the lake, I get dressed up for date nights with my hubby, and most recently was a crew leader for Vacation Bible School. Sometimes you have to let your life fall apart before you can put the pieces back together.  Let go and trust the process, your body knows what to do.

 

I'm so glad to hear you are doing better. With 'you can't do this to people' I didn't mean you by the way, I meant those doctors.

 

How are you doing Plad?

 

[[pl...]]

Plad:

 

Brokenpetals said it so well.  Your life will fall apart, but it will come back together again.......it takes time!    Everyone heals!  Some slower than others.  You need to stay positive and like Brokenpetals said, do the things you need to do even if you don't feel like it.  Socialize, run errands, exercise, eat right, go to a support group (I go to AA even though I am not an alcoholic or an addict), and it has been tremendously helpful.  Lots of love in those rooms.  This will get better, but it will probably be the hardest thing you ever have to do do.

 

Cant run due to neuropathy pain, Csnt go to AA meeting due to severe akathisia, cant socialize due to severe agoraphobia and crying all the time...Id love to put all the good advice to use but its not an understatement when i say i am actually mentally and physically disabled here....Unfortunately i got injured badly and i dont know that there is nuch hope in the near future. ..I used to golf, snowbosrd, skateboard,  bsketball, work 5 days a week swim and fill my day with just about anything that gave me an adrenaline rush...Thia injury has absolutely robbed me of everything ...And i call it an injury because i have read through all if not moat of your guys posts and withdrawl journeys and no one seems to be as disabled as me and the fee that are are very active in the bedridden club

[[pl...]]

Anyways yall thanks for all the good words and support..I truly dont know what i am goinf to do. .I just hope god spares me even 10% of my life back...becuase right now i am just merely existing...caught inbetween life and death

[[jo...]]

Hi Plad,

I am absolutely so sorry that you are having to endure such suffering.

I understand EVERYTHING you are going through.

I am 8 months post detox and have been in the 7th circle of hell for 10 months, including the 2.5 months I took Xanax which gave me horrible symptoms while on it.

 

I had a session with Dr. Jennifer Leigh a few weeks ago. She is so kind and encouraging.

She suffered greatly, but she says we all will heal. It just takes longer for some; sadly.

I plan to have another session with her soon.

 

My body has been BURNING this whole time.

My scalp feel like someone is rubbing a grill brush against my head. Such burning pain in my cranial nerves beyond words to describe. The pain has brought me to my knees. I used to pace for hours begging for relief. It feels like razors being scraped against my bones.  My arms, shoulders, and  lower legs feel like 1000 red ants having their way with me. It’s inhumane what these drugs have caused.

 

I understand the tremors, depression, major health anxiety and lack of pain interest in things we once loved. Music was a big part of my life, and I had to give up the symphony after performing with them for 19 years. My symptoms prevented me from that and many other things. It’s simply horrifying what the chemical, alcohol and SSRIS have done.

I was on an SSRI for several years, and had tapered too fast. 8 months later my doc tried to start me up on a different SSRI, as I was having anxiety after Covid. My body rejected it so she gave me Xanax.

 

I took .25mg a day for 2.5 months. I didn’t even know what Xanax was; after 2 months on it, my brain and CNS had a terrible reaction. I started getting burning skin and crazy panic. I was paradoxical from the start. I started burning while ON the Xanax. Had blood work, multiple doctors and they said it was stress!  Docs no nothing about benzos. I went to the ER twice, and they said take gabapentin.

 

I then researched and found out it was interdose WD from the Benzo! I then tapered for 4 months and grew worse and worse.

I think my body was still so sensitive after stopping the SSRI.  I had a terrible taper and finally went to detox to get it out of my body so I could get on the other side to heal.  It was like a cold turkey because my taper was very little.

 

So, sadly, my body and CNS is still in a terrible state. I do avoid coffee, sugar, etc.  I have a high stressful job though, but fortunately, I work remote. I started gabapentin so I could be functional. It helps some but not really. Im grateful for the little bit that it helps, and I know I’ll have to taper it. It’s a calcium channel blocker so it doesn’t hit the same receptors as benzos. I am alone and had to work. I sit with ice packs on my body. I spent my nights on the tub trying to trick my nerves.  I paced my apartment for hours in panic unable to rest.

Tinnitus rings loudly and I tremble in my legs everyday like a freak.

Every morning I wake up in fear and trembling. I’ve had very dark thoughts because of the relentless pain. It’s too much!!! I beg God to take me every day.

 

I admire your strength and you are going to get through this. I can so relate to you.

Please PM me so we can support each other.

This site has been a lifeline for me. I am so grateful when people reply to my posts.

Southern Belle has helped me when my burning nerves scream 24/7 because she experienced the same.

 

Health anxiety is still hard. I’ve had it for years, but never this bad.

I worry about every strange feeling and my mind creates so many fearful thoughts about my current symptoms. It’s all those Benzo lies and our homeostasis being unbalanced.

 

I’ve recently started getting nose bleeds that won’t stop and I have to go to ER. I’ve been there 4 times, and now have PTSD from the trauma of the nosebleeds that look like a crime scene. I’m so scared of them now. My EMT has cauterized some larger vessels, but I still have the nosebleeds wake me. So now I’m afraid to even sleep. I sleep propped up and fear them every night. Our body needs sleep and I am stricken with fear!!! I’m afraid I’m going to bleed out and die from a damn nose bleed gusher.  It’s just so scary to me and being alone is so hard.

 

My skin looks like a 90 year old, and I’ve lost so much muscle and weight.

I pray day and night for God’s mercy. I feel like I’m being tormented.

I’ve lost friends because they just think this is all in my head. They don’t understand and quite frankly don’t want to hear about it. My best friend has moved on. I feel abandoned.

 

This kind of hell is something no one should ever endure. When I see posts about minor things people are enduring, I think to myself, they have no idea how lucky they are.

I used to feel pretty and had confidence and was happy and at peace. I’ve lost all of that.

I can hardly look in the mirror at my sagging skin that looks like crepe paper.

 

The cortisol and adrenaline rages and over take me. I eat well; no sugar or caffeine, no supplements other than vitamin c and vitamin k.

I’ve had labs many times,most recently 2 weeks ago. All normal. Had MRI, and dermatologist exams.

Have had 3 UTIs! The benzos suck us dry. My hormones are null.

This is so unfair.

 

I trusted my pdoc and blame myself for not researching this crap. I’ve spent thousands of dollars in med cost and detox. I am suffering greatly and I have so much compassion for you.

I totally feel it ALL!!

 

I’m so glad you are getting responses to your posts. It means so much when people reply. We need the support and there are wonderful people here who will help us with encouragement and hope.

 

I’m shaking even writing this. I pray we both heal soon. Please reach out to me anytime so we can encourage each other. I understand those fears and pain.

 

Im Sending you big hugs and so much love.

Bless you! 🙏💕🌸