The Long Hold Support Group

[[Di...]]

Meemes that's for sure!

[[tr...]]

Bess...I'm sorry for you! It sounds really rough! But look how far you've come...I know when we get "reminders" of how crappy we can feel its so discouraging.

 

I'm having intense rapid cycling of symptoms...then feel ok..the rapid again...on and on over the past few days. But I'm grateful bc the week prior I've been having some pretty functional days. But I get fatigued easy.  But for the most part I feel sane..so I'll take the physical stuff over the mental any day!!

[[Tr...]]

Hi Ladies, to those suffering please hang in there knowing that it does get better with time and as our bodies heal... and the brain also starts to forget a lot of the vivid details of the pain you are experiencing now. It’s weird I know... Trina, it’s interesting you mention your symptoms are cycling... so are mine... It’s so strange to be so up and down in short spaces of time. I’m hoping this is good, I believe it is. Also, the inside of my ears have started itching a lot, I believe this is the nerves in the ears healing. The tinnitus has started to sometimes sound like bees...  Also, inside my head feels like I have a scab. Almost like I burned inside my brain and now there is a scab healing.

[[Be...]]

Hi Ladies, to those suffering please hang in there knowing that it does get better with time and as our bodies heal... and the brain also starts to forget a lot of the vivid details of the pain you are experiencing now. It’s weird I know... Trina, it’s interesting you mention your symptoms are cycling... so are mine... It’s so strange to be so up and down in short spaces of time. I’m hoping this is good, I believe it is. Also, the inside of my ears have started itching a lot, I believe this is the nerves in the ears healing. The tinnitus has started to sometimes sound like bees...  Also, inside my head feels like I have a scab. Almost like I burned inside my brain and now there is a scab healing.

 

Thanks so much. When I spoke to Baylissa she said that Rsoid cycling is good as it’s a sign of healing.  After my first episode of rapid cycling I had an awesome window & felt normal again for a Lil while I hope you are doing ok,

[[Be...]]

Bess...I'm sorry for you! It sounds really rough! But look how far you've come...I know when we get "reminders" of how crappy we can feel its so discouraging.

 

I'm having intense rapid cycling of symptoms...then feel ok..the rapid again...on and on over the past few days. But I'm grateful bc the week prior I've been having some pretty functional days. But I get fatigued easy.  But for the most part I feel sane..so I'll take the physical stuff over the mental any day!!

 

Thanks lovely. I was told the rapid cycling is a good sign - here’s hoping right.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you. You will heal lovely & you are doing so so well xx

[[Tr...]]

 

 

Hi everyone,

 

Hope you're feeling a bit better today.

 

Today I 'm down to 0,4 mgs Diazepam!

 

Last week I decided to speed up my taper a little. But now I 'm not sure wether to continue with that or slow down again. Not feeling too good atm. Let's wait what the rest of the day brings.

 

Wishing us all a nice day.

 

Take care.

 

Trochsetter

[[se...]]

Awesome!!  Keep going...

[[Tr...]]

 

 

Hi Seasalt,

 

Thank you! 

 

Hope you're feeling Okay.

 

TS 

 

 

 

 

[[se...]]

Is anyone ever feeling ok in withdrawal  ?  I am doing ok, inching my way down slowly..

[[Ma...]]

 

 

Hi everyone,

 

Hope you're feeling a bit better today.

 

Today I 'm down to 0,4 mgs Diazepam!

 

Last week I decided to speed up my taper a little. But now I 'm not sure wether to continue with that or slow down again. Not feeling too good atm. Let's wait what the rest of the day brings.

 

Wishing us all a nice day.

 

Take care.

 

Trochsetter

 

Trouch, you are so close, slow it down, this is a very important part imo, walking off, you want to feel are well as possible.  Gives you a much better chance post wd, just my thoughts  . Good luck no matter what you decide.  LY  :smitten:

[[Tr...]]

Hi Mary,

 

Just after deciding to slow down I read your post.  You're absolutely right!! Today's not a good day. So the only way to feel better again is holding for a few days and then resume the original taper.

No use in gaining time but losing health.

 

Thanks for your empathy and wonderful advise! 

 

Hope you're doing OK. 

 

Trochsetter

[[se...]]

I agree with Mary, glad you are taking her advice on this!

[[va...]]

Hi guys, I'm so glad to see this group is alive with so many new long holders that are keeping it going. I couldn't catch up. I'm going through a bad patch health wise and I just don't know why life keeps throwing stuff at me while others around me are living charmed lives. Yes I know everybody has their load but I know what I've been through in life and few people in my environment could compare. It's different if you're born in a different part of the world I know, so I didn't get the worst of luck possible.

 

ANYWAY, to the point. My taper as some of you know is awfully difficult as I'm certain after going into the severest form of withdrawal in the summer of 2019 due to a series of chemical fatalities, I've always been mentally damaged. I'm like the people in the protracted boards but yet I'm still on the medication. And life keeps throwing so much stress at me that it's impossible to get a break. My whining is over and here comes my question.

 

Today for the first time in ages I have felt normal!! for the most part of the day. Yes with the pain due to my cervical and lubar stenosis but normal benzo wise except for two hours in the afternoon with good old benzo symptoms visiting me (the good old afternoons are always the worst). But then it went away? I mean the sxs are there but very very mild compared to my usual sxs level.

 

So I'm down to 1.80 from 2.5 in two years. That's all I can manage. And after this semi good day I'm wondering shall I cut to 1.70 or hold to see if after the summer I can resume tapering from a bit of a better brain state? I would like to take my daughter somewhere in August, we haven't gone anywhere since summer 2019 which was a super crappy holiday because I was in a very bad state, and I fear if I cut now I could again get worse and compromise my plan of taking her to the beach even for ten days. If it were only me really I don't give a damn about anything anymore, as long as I can keep teaching English and Spanish online and watching television and doing my back exercises and pacing the living room here and there, I wouldn't mind cutting because I have given up on having a life. It's obvious the universe didn't throw me down here to make me happy. But I'd like to give her some kind of a vacation if my back issues allow. I hope someone sees this and can help me. Otherwise I'll post it again.

[[se...]]

Hello Valiumnomore,

 

I truly feel your pain.  I am happy to hear you are having a window and feeling good.  I think sometime s you have to give yourself permission to have a break.  If you are feeling stable and need sometime to to feel “ok”, I don’t see the harm.

 

I am a firm believer that the body will tell you when it’s ready to continue.  Enjoy a trip with your daughter!

[[Gi...]]

Hi guys, I'm so glad to see this group is alive with so many new long holders that are keeping it going. I couldn't catch up. I'm going through a bad patch health wise and I just don't know why life keeps throwing stuff at me while others around me are living charmed lives. Yes I know everybody has their load but I know what I've been through in life and few people in my environment could compare. It's different if you're born in a different part of the world I know, so I didn't get the worst of luck possible.

 

ANYWAY, to the point. My taper as some of you know is awfully difficult as I'm certain after going into the severest form of withdrawal in the summer of 2019 due to a series of chemical fatalities, I've always been mentally damaged. I'm like the people in the protracted boards but yet I'm still on the medication. And life keeps throwing so much stress at me that it's impossible to get a break. My whining is over and here comes my question.

 

Today for the first time in ages I have felt normal!! for the most part of the day. Yes with the pain due to my cervical and lubar stenosis but normal benzo wise except for two hours in the afternoon with good old benzo symptoms visiting me (the good old afternoons are always the worst). But then it went away? I mean the sxs are there but very very mild compared to my usual sxs level.

 

So I'm down to 1.80 from 2.5 in two years. That's all I can manage. And after this semi good day I'm wondering shall I cut to 1.70 or hold to see if after the summer I can resume tapering from a bit of a better brain state? I would like to take my daughter somewhere in August, we haven't gone anywhere since summer 2019 which was a super crappy holiday because I was in a very bad state, and I fear if I cut now I could again get worse and compromise my plan of taking her to the beach even for ten days. If it were only me really I don't give a damn about anything anymore, as long as I can keep teaching English and Spanish online and watching television and doing my back exercises and pacing the living room here and there, I wouldn't mind cutting because I have given up on having a life. It's obvious the universe didn't throw me down here to make me happy. But I'd like to give her some kind of a vacation if my back issues allow. I hope someone sees this and can help me. Otherwise I'll post it again.

 

Valiumnomore,

 

After the first two years of tapering I started holding for summers.  I wanted to be able to enjoy time with my grandchildren. It extended my time to get off but it was worth it.  I knew these years with my grandchildren were limited, they grow up so fast.  After a lengthy hold I felt better and was able to continue with my taper.

 

In 2018 I held for 8 months and enjoyed feeling normal, caught up on sleep and then felt renewed and strong enough to continue.

 

Take the vacation with your daughter, make some good memories.  They will be with you long after your taper is finished.  Have a great summer. G.

[[tr...]]

Hi Ladies, to those suffering please hang in there knowing that it does get better with time and as our bodies heal... and the brain also starts to forget a lot of the vivid details of the pain you are experiencing now. It’s weird I know... Trina, it’s interesting you mention your symptoms are cycling... so are mine... It’s so strange to be so up and down in short spaces of time. I’m hoping this is good, I believe it is. Also, the inside of my ears have started itching a lot, I believe this is the nerves in the ears healing. The tinnitus has started to sometimes sound like bees...  Also, inside my head feels like I have a scab. Almost like I burned inside my brain and now there is a scab healing.

 

Sorry about your rapid cycling but its comforting to know we're in the same boat! Its insane to feel rough then feel really decent..then rough again. Today I'm day 2 of my cycle so that has its own issues, but my symptoms have literally been shifting all day. Itchy ear huh? that's interesting. I still get the whooshing tinnitus but its no where near where it was. I'd rather have the whooshing than pitchy.

And yes overall I agree - it has gotten better. its just slow....

[[Tr...]]

 

 

Hi Val,

 

From your whole posting one sentence stands out: " I have felt normal!"  WOW, THAT'S ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL!

 

Like others said, try and have a break. You sooo deserve it.

 

Perhaps daily micro tapers might be a better option for you as opposed to 0,1 mg cuts. Or microcuts once per two days. That’s what helped me the most. I am also extremely sensitive.

 

Hope you're normal days will continue to happen!

 

Stay strong! ( you are very, very strong!)

 

Trochsetter

[[va...]]

 

Thank you so much for your replies Seasalt, Gingerbread and Trotschetter.

 

Yes Seasalt, nothing wrong with wanting to feel better and give myself a break for a while but I hold for so long and I've done so many long holds that I spend more time holding than tapering. In any case maybe I have to accept that in my case there's no other way to get there.

 

Gingerbread thank you for giving me this insight on memories that we can create now because this time will never come back. My daughter is 15 but in spite of being a teenager we are very tight knit and I love her to pieces and you're right. And anyway even if I cut, maybe something happens down the line (surgeries etc), that ruins my taper so I might as well hold and try to have some kind of a decent summer at least mentally, as physically my body has decided to go on strike. I will mark your words and hold until September.

 

Trotschetter you're right, "I feel normal" is such a shocking statement as I haven't been able to say this for months! I woke up feeling normal too, let's see what the afternoon brings, that's when the crushing depression usually comes to haunt me.

 

My main concern is that I think I’m doing the slowest taper on benzobuddies. Nobody tapers so slow and holds for so long so many times. I spend more time holding than tapering so I’m scared I’ll never get there. There’s a big possibility of having to undergo at least one surgery in the next two or three years, and I fear that being in the hospital during my taper will ruin my taper due to maybe being given versed or Ativan, although I’ll try to avoid this by hiring a nurse to be with me during the hospital stay. But still, it’s a risk.

 

But I can’t race to get off before any outcome like surgery occurs because my brain is only adjusting at the pace that it can after all the kindling of two decades of going on and off benzos, so I probably just have to think of this present moment and give myself a break.

 

Gingerbread I see your taper took five years. I’m going to be at least four tapering only 2.5 valium. I came off in previous occasions either CT or rapid tapering. Little did I know that I was kindling my brain. Well, on the positive side, since I “stabilized” (never stable really), after that benzo crash in summer 2019, I have been able to come down 0.70 mgs in two years. It’s not much but it’s better than nothing. At that rate I would be able to come off in about three or four more years, of course, if nothing unexpected ruins everything like for example surgery, a med that sets me back, etc.

Well I’m sorry for this long post. I really appreciate everyone’s input. It means so much to me. I’m glad I asked here in the LHSG because you are the people who really understand that some of us just need to hold.

 

Trotch I’ve been suggested the microtaper many times but it just doesn’t convince me. Valium is a nasty drug. The cuts you make sometimes don’t show their face until after three months (or maybe more IMO), so I want to cut, and then wait for one or two months like I’m doing, to see the effect of that cut. That’s my take on this. We are all different and this is not an exact science but I personally feel much safer tapering valium like this. If it were Xanax it would be different, as the cuts are felt much sooner.

 

Seasalt I’m glad you’re benefitting so much from holding. Gingerbread I’m so glad that you finally made it. It’s amazing how far you’ve come and you’re finally free. I hope you enjoy your orchard and your grandchildren for many years. Trotschetter you’re almost there!

 

 

[Guest [fl...]]

Trina and Trying - are you rapid cycling physical symptoms? If so, what are you having? For me, it's still mental.

 

Bess, I am sorry you are struggling. I find that after my period (about 5 days), things are great until 3-7 days before. This 8-12 days feeling off has to end. That's 1/3 to almost 1/2 the month! I hope this gets better. 8 months out and feeling discouraged.

[[Tr...]]

Hi fluffer, I have persisting Tinnitus and sometimes fatigue if I push myself. The few other symptoms come and go... The rapid cycling for me has to do with the emotional symptoms, where I feel hopeless and then the physical symptoms feel worse and then I doom and gloom everything and need to be pulled out of the black hole.... Trina, thanks for the update. It’s always reassuring to know I’m not alone... hang in there ladies...

[[Be...]]

Trina and Trying - are you rapid cycling physical symptoms? If so, what are you having? For me, it's still mental.

 

Bess, I am sorry you are struggling. I find that after my period (about 5 days), things are great until 3-7 days before. This 8-12 days feeling off has to end. That's 1/3 to almost 1/2 the month! I hope this gets better. 8 months out and feeling discouraged.

 

Thanks lovely. You are doing amazingly.  I know how it is to be discouraged - I would honestly kill for 1/2 of the month to feel ok. You are doing well. Hold on tight & keep going - one foot in front of the other. You are healing you will be ok, you are doing so so well for 8 months out.  I’m 16 months since jumping today. Crushing depression & physical symptoms.  This sucks & I’ve honestly forgotten what it is like to live a normal life.  You will heal. You will be ok. Just keep going.

[[tr...]]

Fluffer: my rapid cycling is 90% physical (I'm probably going to jinx myself after typing that..). I mean yes this week I had a good cry twice - but I know thats hormones. I was always teary around my cycle. Anxiety is pretty much nonexistent, and the doom/gloom is only for like an hour tops in the very early morning.

Gosh I remember when doom and gloom was all morning and I used to cry every day! I no longer feel off the rails psychotic.

And my short term memory has greatly improved this past month. Its funny bc I will have recall, but then I'll doubt myself, check on it - then realize i was actually correct! So I'm doubting myself bc for the past almost 2 years I felt like I had alzheimer's .Sheesh!

At 8 months I was far from awesome so be patient with the process dear girl...it wasn't till 12 months I felt a really decent shift.

But holy crap my poor muscles and ligaments - I have to really stretch and need time to get going each day. I do loosen up more as the day goes on, but when I stop its like I seize up again.

I have an appt with a functional medicine provider soon. - Ill let you gals know how it goes. Just looking how to support my body better in healing.

[Guest [fl...]]

trina75, I hope I turn a corner soon. Looking back at your posts, you were far more functional at 8 months than I am. I pray for a miracle every day. I know people can get better quickly, but I am having a hard time holding on. Period is tomorrow so that isn't helping. Spotting all day. I pray for a jump in healing next week when my period is over.

[[be...]]

Welcome back, fluffer. We missed you on your break! ☺️

[Guest [fl...]]

beautyfromashes, thank you  I really did miss you guys, I have to admit. My brain just went nuts and lost itself. Jeeze, I will be glad when I am a stable human again! 1 day before my period and I feel like I stuck my finger in a light socket...