So scared

[[Pa...]]

Hey everyone, thanks for your excellent input and helping me keep my head on straight.  I'm resolved to continue CT and confident that is the best decision for me. I realized that if I was second guessing the black/white decision of CT then I'm not mentally equipped for the grays and constant decisions of a taper without constantly second guessing myself.  Also and equally important is that I am mentally unprepared to start over again.  I do think I have some "hidden progress" as kojack put it.

 

Wow, I've never heard it articulated this way, you have fantastic insight into yourself and an amazing ability to communicate it to others.  I may send another member over here to see what you've written, very insightful.

[[Be...]]

I am so scared that this is going to go on forever, scared of experiencing others long roads of suffering that I read about here, scared of getting additional symptoms as I go since tinnitus wasn't previously affecting me but just started up tonight, scared that there's no medication to take any of this away.  It's almost morning and I've only slept an hour, this is just horrendously uncomfortable and scary, and I don't know what to do.

 

I promise this doesn’t go on forever.. hang in there. Things will improve. I promise.  As hard as it is to do - as much as you can change your thinking to be reassuring - if your benzo brain won’t let an inch of good in - then smother it with affirmations @im healing” “I’m on my way to being healed” “it’s all going to be ok”

 

One day you will write a success story.  This is just the trenches you gotta trudge through to get there. You can do this.

[[Ac...]]

Update: the week I made my original post was the worst.  The following week, the clouds parted, and I felt normal.  Perhaps not quite 100%, but close.  Good sleep (8hrs), appetite, energy, no anxiety, normal heart rate, etc.  Still some odd aches and pains, but overall pretty good.  My brain even flashed some thoughts like maybe that was it, maybe I'm recovered.  But While positivity is good, I didn't want to get ahead of myself.

 

This week, my sleep has deteriorated, I'm doing the "4am thing" again, anxiety has increased, my heart rate is back up, appetite is gone, and shakes are back.  It is frustrating to get such a glimpse of normal life to be thrown back into things.  Fear has started to creep back in that I will again experience those dark panicky times where I am incapacitated by mental symptoms. I've felt self pity again that I'm sure we've all felt- why me?  I'm trying to stay positive and think of the good week as a sign of healing, and remind myself that healing is non linear, but it's hard

[[Pa...]]

I'm grateful you had a glimpse of your future, the one where you're free from this nightmare.  When all of this does finally leave you and you can trust it won't be back you'll be so grateful to be well again, its an amazing feeling so hang on, its coming your way. 

[[So...]]

Aww yeah, that's really good that you already had nice windows!!

Keep going!!

[[al...]]

I felt the same as you 3 weeks out, I’m slightly ahead of you (over 2 months) and I’m glad I didn’t attempt to reinstate, I think I’d still be feeling terrible and may have reversed some of the hidden progress that had occurred. I realised I was keeping Diazepam close by in case things got so out of control/dark, I needed to remove that way of thinking fast.

 

I eventually threw them out.

this hits close to me, similar like op but off completely nearly 2 months and had couple occasions in last few weeks where i was litterally reaching for pills, but for better or worse didnt, think it does really hit home once you have some on hand to give in when faced with the worst symptoms. was it any easier once you knew that you dont have any comeback to pills mentally ?

[[Ac...]]

For me, it did.  I did throw them away, and it helped focus my resolve to continue CT. 

[[Ca...]]

So sorry with how scary it is for you but it's really scary to a lot perhaps most of us, certainty has been for me, that I can assure you!

[[Ac...]]

So, I'm now 5 months off and not doing so well.  For a good part of the last month I've been on antibiotics for a skin infection and it's really spiking my anxiety and making me feel crazy.  I've been getting 3-4 hours of sleep each night and absolutely not sleeping past the 4 am cortisol surge.  The anxiety is chest crushing and I just feel like I cannot calm down. All was good a month ago, but now my sanity and relationships are fraying.  It's even tempting to fantasize about going back on benzos to get relief.  Please help!

[[Pa...]]

What antibiotic were you on, many members have reported distress after taking them but the symptoms usually settle down.

 

You've fought long and hard to make it this far, I hate to see you give up now but only you know how much you can take and there is absolutely no judgement from us.

[[Ac...]]

I finished a 5 day course of doxycycline Monday for a bullseye tick bite (prevention of Lyme disease).  So, necessary, but having a big effect.  I'm also on an antiparasitic for hook worm infection which was apparently introduced by the tick bite.  Before that, I was on a zpack for an infected cut on my finger, so a bad string of luck.  I had just started to recover from that course when the tick bite happened.

 

Last night I had an hour long panic attack, which is the longest I've had.  I considered going to the ER thinking I was having a heart attack, but had to resist that urge. 

 

I had a follow up with my Dr about the bite this morning so had the opportunity to get psych drugs, but decided that's not the answer. 

[[Pa...]]

Your increased symptoms have a source so understanding this and knowing that you can get back to where you were has to help.  The antibiotics may be the reason you've been feeling so rotten but your brain is still doing the work, making the repairs so you haven't lost any ground there.

 

I believe you're right, psych drugs aren't the answer, please keep us posted on your recovery because that's what I'm seeing despite this setback.

[[Ac...]]

I started taking benzos for health anxiety, so a rare parasitic worm infection in the Midwest USA where that's uncommon is designed to really amp me up even without the antibiotic/drugs affecting me. 

 

I feel desperate, but I know that going down a rabbit hole of psych drugs is only going to hurt me more in the long term and give up 6 months, or more, of progress. 

[[Pa...]]

Good grief, I see your point, a rare worm infection inflicted on someone who already has health anxiety, the perfect storm.  I know you're pretty freaked out right now but you're making some really wise decisions for the long term.

[[Ac...]]

Is it normal to feel like this 5 months out, longer than I was on benzos in the first place?  I just feel like I'll never heal now, and think back to the week before I quit when I hit tolerance but didn't know that's what it was so tried to combat it with weed, and later a muscle relaxer, all while being on cipro for another infection (prostate that time).  I feel like I really fried my cns then and now am not healing. 

[[Pa...]]

Typically I'll see short term users heal in a shorter time frame than the long term folks but you have special circumstances, I didn't realize you had experience with Cipro and your antibiotic nightmare has most likely contributed to your situation.  But you're healing and even though you've had setbacks, your CNS isn't fried, this isn't permanent.

[[Ac...]]

You don't know how much it means to read this.  Nobody in my real life knows what this feels like so this is the only place I get this, get help.  Thank you

 

That said, I'm deep in self pity right now and I know that's not healthy.  I'm tired of having these "special circumstances" that are perfectly geared to mess me and my life up, and sometimes it doesn't feel worth it to go on. I have two young kids though so I have to, for them. The pandemic, kids, and a parasitic worm infection (from my suburban back yard!) would all be stressful enough without benzo induced anxiety/insomnia/physical sx. But, I'm sure most people here feel that way (put upon by this infliction) and wish they would have known more earlier or made different decisions.

 

I really hope that this is just a setback, as you say, and in a few months this post seems dramatic/silly.  But as my original subject said, right now I'm "So scared"

[[Pa...]]

I want to admit something to you and to anyone reading my posts.  I take great pains to present a positive message to everyone but you need to know I wasn't that way when I was recovering, I was a mess just like everyone here.  I didn't post much and I tried to keep it light when I did but inside I was screaming, scared and hopeless.

 

It all went away though, every fear, every terrible sensation, every dark thought and every pain, all gone and I was left with peace, contentment and gratitude.  I know it seems impossible to go through this horrific process and come out unscathed but that's exactly what happened to me and I have hope, I have to have hope that you and everyone else will come through this whole. 

 

Please hold on to my hope if you don't have any of your own and use it to get you through this. 

[[Ac...]]

This is quite horrific- it feels like the worst of acute now.  Slept 1.5 last night and panicked the rest of the time.  Still have some other sx from medication that I finished last night, so it's bad enough to be unable to calm down, but also anxiety focusing on physical sx symptoms.  Hope things start to clear now that medication is over, but I'm fighting the urge to go to the hospital as they would have a hard time sorting benzo issue from not, and probably want to give me psych meds anyway.

[[Pa...]]

Like you said, you've finished the medication, this means things can begin to settle down. 

[[Ac...]]

I hope so, and I hope I can get back to healing.  It's been a long setback (for my personal timeframe) - over a month since things started to ramp up, so by the time I get back to my height...