Tomorrow I'm cold-turkeying from 600 mg Valium (diazepam)

[[Be...]]

@[di...]

 

Thank you so much!  You're always here to help me out. I will check in, of course. If I don't, don't presume something horrendous has happened to me. I might be battling withdrawal.

 

@oregonkatz

 

Thank you so much for your input. I really appreciate your stance on things. Tomorrow will be my 4th day cold-turkey and there is not one withdrawal symptom I have experienced, be it physical or psychological. I've only noticed small improvements - time doesn't go at the speed of a rocket (normalized); I no longer get blurry vision when staring directly at both light and dark; my frontal lobes seem to exert more power over my executive functions of the brain, etc.

 

For now, I will keep the stash simply because, yes, I know myself and I'm really stubborn. The problem with the previous toxic cycle was the tapering. I'm a control freak and the tapering was exhausting - always having to make sure I take the right dosage at the right time. And  3 years, man... Come on.

 

I know I can't make you trust me or believe in me, but I won't cave in to a simple craving. I don't need benzos. Today might've been the only day I had it and I dealt with it without reaching for the pills. I told you - there's a higher chance of me not touching benzos if I carry them around with me than if I get panicky there's nothing. It's just a psychological thing. When I quit smoking (relapsed, but that's another story) I always carried my cigarettes with me. Not only to show I have willpower, but because I wanted to be strong in all possible senses of the word. And the quit was successful. I stayed off cigarettes for 6 months. Now, I didn't relapse because I was carrying them (I only carried them with me for the first few weeks), but out of boredom and stupidity. I was really young.

 

It's okay if you don't trust me. I'll prove you wrong or die trying (a bit of dark humor here) 

[[Be...]]

Had my first really horrifying nightmare sure to the increased activity in the REM stage in the sleep cycle. I mean it was so terrifying, when I woke up and realized it was a dream, it took me a few minutes to calm down. So, I dreamt that my mother was a hysterical witch who kept forcing me to be happy or she would go mad on me. And she did go mad on me! How can you be happy when you see a scary witch? I was crying in me dream, "Mum, what's wrong with you? Why aren't you the same person?". I called my dad (who's dead in real life), by the way and he didn't care either... The rest is vague.

 

God, these withdrawal dreams nightmares are so intense. The nightmare itself probably doesn't sound that scary to you. Descriptively. You had to be there to experience it. I've had way worse nightmares in terms of content, but far less disturbing

[[Pa...]]

After I stopped Ambien and finally fell asleep I had the worst nightmares, real slasher type dreams that terrified me and left me fearful to go to sleep the next night but after a few days they stopped, thank goodness.  The trouble with those awful nightmares is they stay with you the next day, like a dream hangover. 

[[Be...]]

Yeah, Pamster, they're horrible exactly because of their hangovers the next day. Like I'm literally still in the nightmare even though I woke up. No other symptoms though: I'm not shaking, heart rate is normal, etc. The good side of all this is that sometimes you get intricate magical vivid dreams that are nice. But it's mostly nightmares.

 

You were on Ambien? That sucks a lot. Ambien = Zolpidem. It was Zopiclone that was first suggested by my psychiatrist in my teen years, and I would use it to relieve my anxiety and panic, and later on to get high, before I discovered the Ashton manual and made the switch to diazepam.

 

Anyway, let's hope these dreams won't last long... I'm not sure I can sleep tonight.

[[pi...]]

My dreams were crazy and wild after I finished my taper. I used to call them 3D dreams because they were so large, so intrusive.  It's part of this process but at least this symptoms eased up early on.

 

Thanks for asking about me, I'm well, living life as best as possible during this pandemic.

 

PG 

[[Be...]]

THREW AWAY ALL OF MY STASH

 

Guys, I threw away all the Valium (diazepam) I had. And that was loads of it. Now I have nothing. Nada. Niente.

 

I pondered the decision for quite some time after two events that happened to me today:

 

1. I went to have a nice walk in the park and a stranger insulted me, or at least I perceived it as an insult (I'm not sure) and it triggered a powerful emotional response. Guess what, I immediately wanted to take benzos as a coping mechanism.

 

2. I finally started having some withdrawal symptoms: tachycardia (accelerated heart rate), dizziness, a minor feeling of detachment/derealization and shaky hands.

 

I knew that, especially the 2nd trigger, I will reach for my diazepam and binge to relieve the symptoms. But I stopped myself, "No, don't do it! You've made 4 days of progress!" Also, I calculated all the possible permutations, and the result would be me taking diazepam until my liver is gone or I end up in a psych ward, or I end up cold-turkeying again anyway.

 

At least now, the plus side is even if I'm screaming in agony, I can't get diazepam. It's gone. I threw it all away. I won't have the time or the strength to get to a psychiatrist for another prescription if I'm in a severe condition. There is no temptation. It's not even a temptation. If the withdrawal gets hellish, anyone would immediately reach for the pills. But when they're gone, you can't 

 

Please, pray for me Pray that I don't go through hell next week or next month. Even as I'm writing this my heart is pounding (but nothing critical). I love you all 

[[Pa...]]

I'm so relieved BenzoMutant, I feel you made the right decision for your circumstances.  This is going to be rough but you're young and relatively healthy and in a safe place for what's coming next.  When I quit cold turkey I was taking an average of 8 mgs of Klonopin a day, about the equivalent of 160 mgs of diazepam so I kind of know what you're facing, as you do.  I was 52 when I did this so hopefully your youth will help you get through this.

 

Please ask your mom to keep an eye on you, I know your relationship is strained but I'm sure she cares about you and will hopefully be supportive of your decision to quit this way.  I hope you'll check in when you can, I know it was painful for me to be online so I understand if you're not able to.

 

Stay safe and know there is a good life waiting for you when you recover and this is your path to claim it. 

[[Be...]]

Thank you, Pamster! 

 

I woke up early this morning without any symptoms. I had a good night's sleep without any nightmares also! Today is my 5th day C/T, and I'm feeling very optimistic about it. Let's hope it goes fine. I'll even call my doctor to ask him if I can stop taking the quetiapine, chlorprothixene and valproate or take them on a need-to-need basis, so I don't feel so groggy and can finally start reading. I prayed to God so much (I'm an agnostic actually; I mean I believe there is a divine being, but it doesn't have a personified form) that he will help me with my recovery. I hope all my days are like this.

 

It's still mind-boggling though, isn't it? I used to get PHYSICAL withdrawal symptoms a year and a half ago from 80 mg diazepam, but now when I cold-turkeyed from 600 mg, I have almost zero. I can only wait until the 2nd week is over, right? If I'm still asymptomatic after 2 weeks, it's a safe bet to pronounce I'm going to be alright probably 

 

Love you all, thanks for the support! I'll try to give back as much as possible once the academic year at uni starts. 

[[pi...]]

BM,

 

You made a difficult but wise decision. As long as the temptation is there, the drugs are a danger for you. It's too easy to  anesthetize yourself when something, whether perceived or real, upsets you.  I hope you will find, as others have, that once off benzos and healed they are able to find other tools to deal with day to day issues.  Learning not to sweat the small stuff is a good plan.

 

I agree with Pam, no matter how rocky your relationship is with your mom, have her check on you for your health and safety.

 

It may seem like an uphill battle but I really hope you know you have a good, healthy life ahead of you.

 

PG 

[[Be...]]

@[pi...]

 

Thank you so much for supporting my decision. Today I had another craving because I was feeling unwell psychologically, so I really think I made the right choice to throw the drugs away in the garbage bin. Still no symptoms that are significant, only minor irritations. I'm gradually adjusting to living without benzos, and time is so slow. When I was on benzos, 12 hours felt like 10 minutes; and now time is being perceived by my brain at the right speed, I guess 

 

Yes, I'm trying my best not to get into fights with my mother.

 

By the way, I stopped all drugs my psychiatrist prescribed: quetiapine, convulex and chrocprothixene because I want to do a clean cold-turkey. The Seroquel (quetiapine) just made me sleep all day and only this morning when I wasn't on it, I felt how good it is to be benzo-free, but then I took my prescribed quetiapine, and immediately got groggy and somnolent. The quetiapine made me gain weight in 3 days!!! I think I'm going to withdraw my original position that it's good to use atypical anti-psychotics during a benzo taper. Yeah, I didn't get addicted the first time, but who knows what will happen this time.

 

I just want to feel well, get out of this depression and recover as fast as my mind and body allow me too. 

 

Thank you, pianogirl for being so caring! 

[[ci...]]

Hi BenzoMutant:

 

How are you doing today?..I have read your post many times over and all of the loving replies...we are pulling for you..

 

In my book, you really ARE a true benzo warrior!!..

 

Please check in frequently and let us know how u are doing..

 

Warm hugs from a 62 year old grandma..

 

cinna

[[Tr...]]

BenzoMutant. I've read your log, and your life is now a pure hell. I've been in the same situation, and I understand what you're going through. I'm thinking of you, and I hope you feel better soon.