Reinstated tonight lorazapam...

[[Rx...]]

I'm not doing well at all.

 

  Sending you another buddie hug, diana. 

[Guest [di...]]

Thanks guys. I think reinstating was a bad idea but I was literally having a complete breakdown, about to drive off a cliff or something. I feel like a failure. At the same time now I've got insomnia and bad anxiety now anyways. I'm going to see an addiction medicine specialist tomorrow even though my agoraphobia is so bad and I'm now terrified of doctors. I don't just have benzo withdrawals I have CPTSD and probably bipolar but no one can decide. I get really hopeless because I can't take psych meds (became allergic to ones I used to be on and now everything I try ends in a mass reaction) and I have a genetic chemical imbalance in my brain. I didn't get on these meds for sleep or whatever I got on them for lack of being able to tolerate anything else and now my life is worse than ever. I guess I'll see what this doc says she works at an office my mom runs so at least she can't treat me like crap lol. But I wouldn't put it past her. Dr's and their egos. I have a biochem and health science background btw. They don't like when you know what you're talking about in my experience. Wish me luck.

[[Bi...]]

I'm having a complete nervous breakdown and break from reality. I can barely function I'm so messed up from this. So I took lorazepam as the hospital stole my valium and I have it. I think I can get a whole bottle tomorrow. But I couldn't take another second. After being tortured at the psych ward I now have a complete fear of doctors. My memory is messed up, communication is a major struggle. I lay in my bed all day and watch tv or sleep I can't leave the house, I've only been out twice in two weeks to go to doctors. My whole body is messed up, tremors, pain, nerve pain, back spasms, tremors, stomach like I ate glass. Three week of severe withdrawal and so many symptoms I can't even write them out I"m so messed up I just have to disassociate to survive it all.

 

Tonight I just lost it. I'm sobbing uncontrollably for hours and I can't talk right. Writing this is a real struggle. I can't take care of myself. This had to end. I am so disappointed in myself like I failed. The hospital tortured me, even my psychiatrist agreed.. I feel completely NUTS. Help me. I am desperate for support. They made me think I was crazy, nurses laughing right in front of me saying the withdrawals are in my head, they trapped me in the psych ward and lied and said I was suicidal for two weeks to force me off of 10mg of valium. What the actual F! I really messed up rn.

 

Smart cookie, 

What you are feeling just is what it is. If you feel this bad you tapered too fast.

Tapers can take years for some of us and why shouldn't they?

 

Remember, jump because you feel great and NEVER jump

because you think it will make you feel great!

 

This can take a LONG time.

I cut only when I felt super. 

Cutting while still feeling crappie

leads to bad results.

 

Jumping is a reward for a proper taper and nothing else.

 

Bird

[Guest [di...]]

Thanks birdman, I didn't jump because I wanted to I was held illegally for two weeks in a psych hospital that lied and said I was suicidal when I wasn't so they could torture me and forced me to. Which is only half the illegal and horrible shit they did to me. Nightmare! I never would have done that to myself.

 

Anyways, I saw a the addiction med dr today and she was amazing and spent like 90 minutes with me. She said we will keep reinstating at the 10mg or more if I have to. And I'm meeting with her weekly while I stabilize which she said will take 4-6 weeks probably. And that the taper will take from 6-12 months and it takes like 3 years to heal the brain completely. She assured me these are just averages from her work with 100s of clients and that we will go at the pace that works for me and she's not going to push me. It's a mega relief just to feel validated and work with a Dr who actually knows what they are doing after what I just went through. AND I get free services working with their psychologist (who also happens to specialize in this field) and a health coach to help me start getting out of my room and back into the world. Now I'm crying cause I'm finally getting the help I need after a year or so of desperately trying. I feel like maybe there is some hope. I went in in a full panic attack. Now I'm crying tears of gratitude. This is such a hard thing to do no wonder I was losing it with the level of PTSD I have and the forced cold turkey and WD. I live in a rural area with very little resources and I have gov insurance cause I'm disabled so this is a real blessing. whew.

[[ea...]]

I am probably the only person on BB who has a feeling that really long tapers may just prolong the misery.

 

Withdrawal CAN be horrible and I surely one know knows that! This is just a feeling I have about long tapers and I could easily be wrong. Part of why I feel this is that over the years (almost 7) I have read SO many posts from long taperers who are truly suffering. I have a hunch SOME of the misery is purely tolerance withdrawal. When you taper, you truly will not be in true withdrawal til you jump. That is when you will know how bad - or NOT bad your wd may be. This is just a personal opinion. I am not promoting anything. Just musing about this subject today.

 

east

[[Lo...]]

Some people are exceptionally biologically sensitive to discontinuing the benzo. It is usually them who create long tapers. And you don't really know whether you are one of them until you find yourself in that situation. Your body will definitely let you know if it can survive a cold turkey/rapid taper or not.

 

 

[[Te...]]

Well, most of the people on the protracted board did a c/t, rapid taper, or ended up in detox. What does that tell you? A good taper is far better than doing a c/t. But it has to be the right taper, suited to that person. Unfortunately, people want to go too fast, make mistakes, and have to backtrack. The NERVES are the important thing, not how quickly the drug is out of the body.

[[Lo...]]

Well, most of the people on the protracted board did a c/t, rapid taper, or ended up in detox. What does that tell you? A good taper is far better than doing a c/t. But it has to be the right taper, suited to that person. Unfortunately, people want to go too fast, make mistakes, and have to backtrack. The NERVES are the important thing, not how quickly the drug is out of the body.

 

Very true. I also think that even taking benzos as needed for an extended period of time primes the body into reacting badly down the road. There can be many mini C/T's and partial withdrawals from the drug even with the as needed use. I've talked to quite a few people still taking benzos as needed, and they don't want to hear about any possible complications. They just tend to shut me up and tell me that this is my personal experience, while they keep taking their benzos.

[[Te...]]

Yes, that's another problem, Loraz. Taking "as needed." I had problems with that and couldn't understand what was happening to me. Doctors don't realize how detrimental that wording can be for patients. On the other hand, I would hoard the pills I had and used for doctor appointments, then wonder why they didn't work. People are not prepared to deal with benzos, which are paradoxical and nonlinear.

 

It seems that almost anyone on benzos doesn't want to hear from others' experiences. I certainly didn't want to hear until I had terrible vertigo and found out myself by looking it up on the Internet. What a shock!! At that time everything fell apart, My faith in doctors especially. But until that time I wanted to be in a bubble of security that was a mirage.

[[Ca...]]

I dont know anyone that just decided to do a particularly long taper (well beyond general Ashton standards) as a fashion statment..

Probably the most consistant problem I see is resisting the constant urge to taper faster, even knowing the destruction it will cause... We all want to be off already...!!

 

For me, slow sx based tapering, which is NOT symptom Free tapering btw, as some assume, -was about matching medication intake with MY healing speed.. I had already tasted protracted on another med, and done my yrs of suffering in bed..

 

Sure, I faced tolerance type issues all the way down, thats a given imo, -simply by definition (not enough meds to provide a therapeautic effect)..  But it was fairly minor COMPARED to the serious withdrawal symptoms that hit after cutting too much too fast... And when I stepped off med, there was no big descrepancy to suffer, just more of the same(ish) as per previous cuts...

 

Those few that are addicted and cant control their medication intake to match their own taper plan face additional problems, and may be better suited to facing the risks of abrupt cessation.. I could be wrong, but I dont think we see too much of that here.. And I sure feel for those that are forced off against their better judgment, or unknowingly... It sure can leave a bitter taste...

 

A problem I often see is people in the half/half area.. Not a CT or RT, but still tapering faster than their bodys ability to cope with the reductions...  Isnt the idea of tapering to lessen the severity of WD and let the body adjust to the change, -each to their own limits..??

 

Im not sure that those that have particular problems with very slow tapers would find a CT solved their problems... But that said, im sure plenty of people heal ok from a CT too.. To me its more of a risk vs benifit thing..

But everyone should have the right to do what they think is best for themselves, and I just hope people get the info to make their informed decision...

But thats just my thoughts...

 

 

 

 

 

[[de...]]

[[ea...]]

cantfly,

I would love to know more about your problems with being protracted on another med. I am always trying to learn more about this stuff. I just do not believe in any psych meds now and would love to hear about your experiences. One can never be too old to stop trying to understand. PM me if that works better for you.

I like your attitude. Sensible and careful. I did not taper but many who do write me for advice. It helps to read posts like yours.

east

[[Th...]]

Please do not get discouraged and start tapering if you do not stabilize in 4 to 6 weeks. I reinstated my original dose July 9th and I didn’t get back to being almost completely functional until January 9th. 6 months later. When you stabilize you can still have waves I have mild to moderate mostly in the evenings. You will have windows and waves but as time goes on you will start to feel better. The first 4 months I reinstated I cried a lot because when I first did it I was bashed and everyone had me so heartbroken saying most people don’t stabilize your in tolerance your paradoxil. That’s not the case. I was in horrific state when I reinstated bedridden for 2 1/2 months hospitalized several ambulance rides with about 60 symptoms and was making my final arrangements because I thought it was the end. That may be why it took me so long to get about 70% better. I’ve talked to people that it took a week to stabilize and others over a year. Stabilizing doesn’t mean back to pre ct state it means functional and tolerable symptoms for some. You will stabilize you will get better it can be gradual or it can happen overnight. Don’t entertain the antireinstatement bs because you had to do what you had to do for you. Thousands upon thousands of people have reinstated they just leave the boards and move on. I only come back because I’m trying to figure out why I had an easy ct and then at 16 1/2 months off was thrown straight to hell so when I do the slowest taper in history I won’t go through what I went through again.

[Guest [di...]]

Thanks addictionfairy. I am a total wreck on a good day. There is no way I could have continued the CT but I feel like my choices were rock or hard place. It is nice to have some cognitive function back, and the back pains and spasms were just getting unbearable (already a problem before from tolerance wd I'm guessing). Emotionally, just ugh. Sick of the rollercoaster. My sleep cycle flips every other day. At least I have a competent md now and hopefully a good therapist, who luckily specializes in PTSD and addiction, which is what I need. I don't even want to leave my bedroom though. Panic attacks in open spaces. Paranoia. It's rotten. Hot and cold flashes. Now my ptsd symptoms are exacerbated, we could blame the benzos or the hospital but it's both. Blah, The worst part is the now crippling depression crash where it's hard to care enough to do anything really. I've got a lot of problems and it's going to take a long time till I feel ok, which I really never have. Today I didn't feel like I wanted to die so that was nice.

[[Ca...]]

cantfly,

I would love to know more about your problems with being protracted on another med. I am always trying to learn more about this stuff. I just do not believe in any psych meds now and would love to hear about your experiences. One can never be too old to stop trying to understand. PM me if that works better for you.

I like your attitude. Sensible and careful. I did not taper but many who do write me for advice. It helps to read posts like yours.

east

Sorry East..  -Had a big weekend and am paying the piper..

 

I guess its pretty similar to benzos.. -Too long on a med that changes brain chemistry, Tolerance, Increased doses, Tolerance, In my case abuse to function or survive the SX or damage it had created, A huge mess, Failed reductions and mini CTs, Hospitals, CT Detox, lost Drs, yrs in bed and non functional, Hopelessness, -all the stuff many here know all too well.. 

It fast got to the point where the suffering easily cured me of any psychological addiction I might have had, so wanting to get off was never a problem after I knew the cause, -How was the issue..

 

Though its generally accepted that the Opiate WD is much shorter, and mine was for the most part.. -Just not the healing of the actual damage caused by it.. This included the GI damage and the deep seated mental damages like anhedonia, fatigue insomnia etc.. Infact a lot was getting worse..  The benzos helped mask the physical muscle symptoms, but also took over from the opiates adding their own touch to it all... It all became entwined, a mess of unbalanced neurochemistry that needed time to all slowly balance back..

 

What saved me was reinstating a particular opiate at low dose (10%) To establish some basic form of GI function... After a while I started to see healing happen, and I concentrated on the benzo reductions and all its symptoms.. I had to play with my dosing a few times to keep track of what was which med, but a cut n hold helped highlight a lot... I soon became tolerant to the low opiate dose again, and still suffer that...  My problem, or perhaps saving grace, was that if I cut V too fast my GI peristalsis would go spastic and effectivly stop.. This dictated my slow taper speed, and because of that I got to see that by going that slow, not only were the other V SX much milder, but after years of hell I started to heal quite well too.. I could feel it happening as I slowly lowered...

 

Another thing I think helped was that I couldnt realy compare myself to other peoples situation, so it didnt strike me as odd when I couldnt taper like many can.. Then I started to find groups of others that had ended up in some pretty messed up situations and were, or had, tapered very slowly to find their way free.. As a general rule they fared quite well..., -post taper too, the "jump" often rather uneventful... So I just stuck to that, -the pace that suited my body...

Two meds down, and one to go...

 

Sorry this is pretty "dot point", "clunky" and skips the gory details, but over the years here the novelty seems to wear off, for want of a better way of putting it... A lot of it is at the start and throught my blog, but its not so different to so many here, in essence...

 

I hope this helped a bit..