THE MOVING SUPPORT GROUP

[Guest [so...]]

I'm sure i would have a major panic attack if our internet went out! i know i will have to use my phone for a few days after we have moved but right now it's my lifeline.....your house location sounds really nice, oh wow, champagne! only wish i could drink LOL!! i am going to leave a bottle of wine for my buyer in the hope that she will think i am such a nice person that it will put her off finding things wrong with the house and try to comeback on me.....she is a very fussy buyer but has been to see the place so many times before she made her offer and my partner says not to worry, she has no legal right to complain about anything now as the contract is binding, but i can't help catastrophising, i guess it's probably my benzo brain

 

we live in a beach suburb of a large city so the slingshot was probably caused by teenagers fooling around, the police said it didn't seem a "targeted attack" but i.m not getting it fixed until the day before we move just in case....there goes my benzo brain again.....our new place is off the road and surrounded by a massive garden and orchard and hopefully no idiots!

 

i feel so like yourself with having all these great thoughts about what i'm going to do in our new place/town like keeping bees, joining things, maybe a small job or volunteer at something, but that's only when i feel ok, and then i get slammed by sxs again and i think, "when will this ever end" - how far done are you with your taper? what sxs are you getting? - i guess the fact that we have these good thoughts at times means that we are healing on some level, but i hate it when the window shuts and back to feeling like crap. There is a paddock next to our new house which we can rent, i would like to get 2 rescue donkeys (good brain talking!), but my partner says we have to wait a while to see if we can feed ourselves before we start feeding donkeys! LOL There are so many nice walks around where we are moving but i can't walk hardly at times, yesterday i walked to the end of our street to the beach ( about 5 minutes) and had to sit down as i felt so fatigued, heart racing, hot sweats, i walked a bit further but am paying for it today, and a friend from our new place rang yesterday and said "aren't you better yet" and i tried to explain but then i thought no point explaining to someone who just doesn't get it

 

I don't think i have any other utilities to fix up (better look at my list before i say that for sure!) i hope you get an easier time of it with the internet guys this time, and i'm so glad you mentioned the newspaper! it arrives every day yet i never even thought about we have to cancel it!! and of course, the mail, oh it goes on and on!

[[Gr...]]

Oh you should totally leave wine and a "Good Luck" note.  It really feels good to pass houses along in a nice and caring way.  Donkeys sound great.  I would love a donkey. 

 

Today, I got barely no packing done, because we went and bought a car.  I can't believe we did that in only one afternoon.  I realized that if we did not do it before the move, I would be stuck with NO CAR at all at the new house, while G drove to work.  He didn't like the idea either.  Here in the city, I have barely driven around because I don't need to, but I will have to out there. 

 

I slept terribly last night.  My stomach has not really settled down.  I keep having gas, so much gas.  I woke up at 5:30am, and then just couldn't get back to sleep.  It was so frustrating.  I am hoping to go to bed earlier tonight and get up earlier tomorrow.  I had a dentist appointment tomorrow but I just cancelled it.  It was just too much to do.  I am sort of regretting spending Friday waiting for the internet guys at the new house, since I really need that time to pack.

 

Also, the new house is covered in dust, and just a few ladybugs.  I don't think there were nearly as many bugs as G thought there were, thank goodness.  I just remember that I want to try to find a cleaning service.  I know my mother-in-law is going to frown on this one, but I know they could do it so much faster and better than me. 

[Guest [so...]]

OMG you are simply amazing going to buy a car! i remember last year, when i was sooo sick my old bomb of a car died and my partner took me to get another one, i stood in the car yard like a complete zombie, and my partner did it all, we bought the car in under an hour! something i'd never done before LOL! same situation here in that i'm thinking we won't need 2 cars because my partner will be home and we should sell mine, but then i thought if he gets another job then i will be totally stuck.....anyway, very well done and congratulations on getting a car!

 

After my last post i felt a bit more energised so i went and cleaned up the yard....then i realised i hadn't dealt with the water people so i had to ring them and sort that out, i was dreading it, remembering your experience with the internet guys, but it was relatively straightforward - and they didn't mention the 2 number address! Then i had to drive to the solicitor as i hadn't given her the water bill to pay on settlement - whew, exhausted now!

 

i'm not sleeping much either, i had a good period of time between months 4-7 but the last few weeks i'm very restless and getting the hot sweats back at night plus some adrenaline surges, i really thought i had done with those, and they wake me up at 5.30, the only way to stop the anxiety from it is to get up and walk around and then it passes off. I keep telling myself that i'll soon be able to walk around my lovely garden when that happens

 

No way could i do the dentist! you are one brave amazing woman! i live in hope and pray that i don't need to go for at least another 12 months, i hate the dentist even without BWD

 

as for the cleaning that is a very smart move IMO, i'm hoping our new place will left cleanish and i'm hoping this place stays a bit cleanish after i did all that cleaning for the sale, even a small amount of anything physical just revs me up terribly, my partner says he will do anything that's necessary after the movers have left but i still worry about it....you know, before this mess with benzos i never worried about hardly anything, but i think to myself now that if you can move house in BWD you can conquer the world!

[[Gr...]]

OMG I am having a TERRIBLE MIGRAINE.  This is like my worst nightmere.  I need to pack today.  It's really important that I pack today and I am in so much pain.  I took some aspirin and smoked some pot but it is still so much pain.  I made some tea and now I am not even packing, just sort trying to exist here. 

 

I have to call the water people but I'm not doing that today.  Thanks for mentioning that.  I have to go to the post office and set up a mailbox, I found out.  My real estate agent gave me the name of a cleaning service, but now I am stoned and seriously could not make phone calls. 

 

I ended up cancelling the dentist appointment.  I called last night and just left a message on their machine.  I am not going back to that dentist anyways.  I'll find a nice dentist in the new place.  I can't avoid the dentist completely cause I have to take my son to the dentist, but somehow my husband has managed to avoid the dentist for the last 4 years. 

 

We bought our car within an hour also.  It was so surreal. 

[Guest [so...]]

Oh no, GreenCup I'm so sorry that you are in this hell, my heart goes out to you, i hope that by the time you read this post you will be feeling a little better, i can't imagine how much pain you are in and how distressed you are by it. Probably all the stressors associated with moving hasn't helped, a nightmare on top of a nightmare. Hopefully you will be over it by sunday. Can you call your in-laws to come and pack? This is certainly my worst nightmare too, that on moving day i will have a massive wave hit me.

 

You are nearly there, you have achieved so much these last few weeks and certainly this week doing things that most people find exceedingly stressful,you have been amazing.... don't do anything that isn't absolutely totally essential. at the end of the day all those things that need to be packed will be put in the truck and will end up at the new place, even if they are all jumbled up in heaps of boxes. YOU are more important than the packing right now.

 

Sending you a huge hug x

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Thanks southern star.  Today is slightly better, but not really.  I had to get up early after barely sleeping and drive an hour out to the new place to be there while we got internet, tv and phone.  I took my 9 year old son, and set up our computers on a slanted table. 

 

Then suddenly, a leg on the table gives out, and boom.  Off spills a water bottle, up goes half of the table, and boom it lands on my son's computer.  We clean all that up and set our computers on the floor.  Then we hear s door closing where nobody is, and I swear, it just started felt like ghosts.  Then I started thinking maybe the sellers of the house we're always dead, and suddenly it all made sense.  All the dust, yet the house was occupied.

 

Then on the way home, we got some food, and after I ate the whole ghost thing seems silly, but it felt very real while we were there.  I've been feeling like I am about to get a migraine all day, and now at least, I'm in bed.  No more driving today.  Maybe no packing.  You're right.  I am more important than packing.

[Guest [so...]]

I'm hoping you're continuing to feel a little better and that the migraine didn't materialise. It must have been very scary to have that experience in the house (ghosts etc), it sounds very typical of "benzo brain", sort of dissociation type thing, likely due to the stress you are under at the moment. Have you made a cut recently? I had something similar. When i was 4 months off my partners brother came to stay from overseas and we had to take him places etc like a tourist, i was sooo sick and really didn't want to go with them but felt obligated. After a pretty hectic weekend we got home and i went to bed leaving them watching tv. I woke up an hour later and the house was all quiet, a total terror came over me and i thought i had died and that they were also ghosts, the house looked really weird too, it was terrifying. I think it was brought on by overloading my cns, since then i have not done much and it hasn't happened again, but i have read  a lot on here about how people have thoughts of death/ghosts etc. Seems to be a common phenomenon, our cns is so raw and any stress can overwhelm it, and of course our lives don't suddenly become stress free to accomodate our benzo challenges. In so saying, i think being in an empty house hearing a door close would spook anyone, benzo or not.

 

You are nearly there now and the practical stresses are piling up plus the anticipatory anxiety of the big day so try and take it easy and delegate anything you can. You will very soon be on the other side of this and some of the stresses will have passed, so hang in there !

You have done an amazing job so far and you only have to get through the weekend. We are benzo warriors and can do anything! (even if we don't think it at the time).

[[Gr...]]

Thanks so much for your support Southern Star.  I honestly don't know what I'd do without you.  :smitten:

[Guest [so...]]

Oh, thanks so much for saying that! it really helped me to hear that today! I've been thinking about how so many people don't even consider moving house and trying something new because it is so stressful for most people even without the benzo challenge. They stay in the same place in the same house and fear the whole big upheaval that moving entails.. I think this moving experience for me has been similar to the Marathon Walk event in the Olympics! You know, you start out all fresh and think "i'll get through this" and "it will be worth it in the end" and then we think about the reward at the end - a new life beckons in a nicer place (hopefully). Somewhere along the track you start to get a bit sore (using the walker's analogy) and think "shit, how much do i have to do to get this sorted, every day more things to do pop up, but we keep going. Somewhere towards the end of the marathon, the walker can see the finish line but starts to get wobbly, and starts to think "can I make it", "will i even be alive at the end of this", but they carry on, their legs are wobbly, they can barely stand, breathe or focus but they CROSS THAT FINISH LINE!! and then they rest....

 

I think you are at that point where you can see the finish line of the whole moving experience (i am still lolling about and can't see the finish line yet!), you are struggling but you will cross that finish line very soon, and it doesn't matter HOW you cross that finish line, it only matters that you cross it - and after sunday you will have crossed it and that is a totally major achievement, to do this, whilst dealing with the benzo crap is more than a major achievement, it is an effing fantastic major achievement!

 

Keep your eye on that finish line however wobbly you might feel, you're going to cross it very very soon and then you can give yourself a big pat on the back and realise how amazing you are to have done this....i'm cheering my lungs out for you!

[[Gr...]]

Deep breath in, deep breath out.  It's over.  Mostly.  Thanks so much Southern Star, for cheering me on.  :smitten:

 

Yesterday and this morning before the movers arrived, time ticked very slowly.  Once the movers arrived though, life got easier.  They were lovely and nice, and cost us $1375.  Worth it.  Every penny.  If we were younger and had less stuff, maybe we could of done it ourselves but not now, with a kid and my husband having to go to work tomorrow. 

 

We went out to dinner tonight in our new town.  The food was really good, but there were a lot of old people at the restaurant.  No kids.  My son was the only kid.  I really started to think that everyone in the town are ghosts.  I keep seeing so many cemeteries too.  I feel myself getting a little paranoid about this ghost thing.

 

Everything feels a bit unreal.  Especially when I lose some memory again.  Every so often I become aware of my loss of memory and try to figure out how I got from that last point to now.  It's weird and unfair.  I wish my brain would just function.  I am trying to not sound to scared of the ghosts because I don't want to scare my son, however, when I asked him if he thought this was a ghost town, he was like, "That would be crazy!". 

 

I am also a little confused as to what I am doing with my life without a job or anything.  I can't believe how long I have gone without a job, though today was hard and long.  I tried to act normal for the movers and my mother-in-law.  Everything was so exhausting.  I always feel like I have this invisible veil, that just keeps me from being able to truly connect with other people, cause they just won't understand this crazy brain damage that I have.

 

There is ONE person who does understand in my life though, and that's my Mom.  She suffered a brain injury when I was 15 years old and still does suffer from it.  I wasn't nice to her about it for years and didn't understand why she did a lot of things and thought she was mean.  Now I understand.  She is going to move in with us in October.  I'm actually not even worried about that...at least not right now. 

 

Anyways, that one restaurant we went had good food and also delivers, so that is a plus.  Even if I am just sitting in my house afraid of all the ghosts.   

[Guest [so...]]

You did it!!  well done, you are across the finish line (for that part of it anyway!) i was thinking of you all weekend and hoping you were ok, now comes the unpacking! so good that you had your MIL to help and that the movers were nice, your poor hubby having to go to work the day after, but sometimes that's the easiest bit LOL!

 

I think the stuff about the ghosts is a bit of derealisation, sounds typical benzo brain on overload (have you had it before?), i've noticed a lot of posts on here about it, the first time i had it i was just sitting on the couch reading a book and i looked up and everything looked changed, i thought my partner was a dead person and i was totally terrified, paralysed with fear. After reading a few of other people's experiences i am able to cope better now i know what causes it, people say it's the brain going into protective mode and obviously all the neurotransmitters are out of whack, i've realised that horrible as it is it can't hurt you.....and of course everything does look a bt strange when you go to a new place and our cns is so raw and just goes into overdrive.....take it slow and don't freak out too much, many have walked this road before us and come out ok

 

oh i totally get what you mean about trying to appear "normal" around people, i had the glazier guy come to quote for the window and it was like i was walking and talking through "thick air", i kept thinking how can i look and sound normal when i'm feeling like this, he must be able to see i have a brain problem - but no he didn't seem to! I had a "friend"(who hasn't been around for over a year) call in on sunday to say goodbye (joke) and she said "Are you STILL not better" Grrrrr! i made her a cup of tea and she left after about half an hour, probably just a "duty visit". I lose memory a lot, mostly short term memory as i can remember things i did from way back, i've noticed it's getting a bit better lately but it still bugs me and you're right, coping with all this stuff is so exhausting

 

I think the best thing to do with working etc is to ease yourself into your new place very slowly, after all you are working raising a child, i know it's not the same as an outside job but it's still a job and unique to you. god knows if i will ever work again, i'm going to wait until after xmas and then maybe do a bit of volunteer work, something that i can easily leave if it's too much.....don't push yourself too hard, we have been (and still are) experiencing severe trauma and recovery is slow unfortunately

 

i think it's fantastic that your mom is going to move in with you, i love the idea of extended family being around, unfortunately all my family are sooooo far away. have you had to change your son's school and stuff like that?

 

today i am going to make a big effort and fill up one of the half empty boxes that i packed, maybe just stuff some pillows and sheets in there to make it all tight inside, it's like as soon as i look at those boxes a great heaviness comes over me and i just sit there, 2 more weeks to wait and i wish it would hurry up so that at least that part's all done with. i feel like i'm sitting on the edge of a wave all the time and am so anxious about it, it's like i can never really enjoy a window because i'm so frightened of the next wave hitting, this benzo journey is all so unpredictable and unfair and horrible

 

one last thought on the ghosts, when i was a kid we used to live near a cemetery and i was terrified to walk past it and my grandma used to say "there's more to be frightened of in those that are living than in those that are dead" and i know she's right - but i still used to run very fast past that cemetery!

[[Gr...]]

Your Grandma is totally right, there is much more to be afraid of in the living.  I am now worried things with my Mom moving in are going to be delayed.  I thought we had our ducks in a row, but maybe not just yet.  UGH, so frustrating.  I have a hard time figuring out if it is anxiety, paranoia, of either my mother and/or I, or if it is actual real things we are worried about. 

 

I keep thinking I have nothing to do here at this new place, but I guess all my things are in boxes now.  LOL.  I feel as if I am about to unpack some other lady's boxes and it doesn't even feel like I packed them anymore.  Or it does, but a long long time ago.  It seems forever ago that I was packing.

 

Try to just relax for the next two weeks. I tell you, I had never hired movers before, but had I known how friendly and nice our movers were going to be, I would not have stressed nearly as much as I did. 

 

I also have a sore throat now, that perhaps is from all the dust.  On our bedroom floor, after the movers were done, was a giant forest of dust.  It was incredible.  I've never seen anything like it before. 

[Guest [so...]]

How are you going unpacking? I've decided I'm only going to unpack one box a day once i've unpacked the kitchen stuff, i can imagine it feels overwhelming. I can relate to how you feel another person packed those boxes, every time i look out my window and see the big SOLD sign on my house i feel like another person did all that, like i played a game of selling my house and bought another but didn't think i'd really have to move, am getting really jittery about leaving this town i have lived in for 36 years and am thinking why on earth have we done this - of course somewhere inside me knows the reason why but it's covered up with all this other crap

 

i had to laugh at your "forest of dust", that was my whole house when i had to get it cleaned up for the sale! i hadn't hardly done much cleaning at all due to the surgery, w/d and stroke and to have to do it in 3 days was terrible, it felt like i was in some Grimm fairy tale where the more you do the more to do appears

 

Finally finished filling those 2 boxes and found some more stuff to give away, i'm starting to think that maybe i don't want to do any more packing etc because if i do that means it's real, it's actually happening and i'm in denial so it's "safer" to just leave them, sort of if i don't do it then it won't happen if you get what i mean - think all this waitinng around isn't helping, going to try to do just one thing a day from now on

 

yes it must be very frustrating about the delay with your mom, i feel like i've gone from being a very laid back person prebenzo mess to someone on the high end of the autism spectrum, i can't cope with anything not going to plan, i hate it, and when someone tells me that it's got to be different it feels like a huge electric shock stabs me, so horrible. will it be a long delay or something that can be worked around?

 

thanks for the encouraging words about the movers, that's another thing i can't stand atm, strange people around me, and i have to be there at the other place when they arrive to direct them where to put everything, problem is i have no idea as i've only seen the place twice and one of those times was really to see the land and i didn't take too much notice of the house LOL! This sure is a strange ride!

[Guest [so...]]

Quick update - have you heard of Airtasker? I had vaguely heard of it sometime ago but had forgotten it, saw it on another site and checked it out. Basically people post a job (task) that they need done and then other people offer to do it for them and get paid by the original poster, lots of different tasks, many can be done at home and on the computer. I looked in my new area and seems to be some i could do. Well worth checking out, you can do one off jobs, get paid and not have to do it again if it's not suitable. I mean it won't make you rich but i can see it would be a bit of a confidence booster and a way to ease back into some sort of work without any real pressure.

 

Yeah i know - should be packing, not googling LOL!

[[Gr...]]

So, I originally bought 100 boxes, and then we bought 25 more and got some from neighbors, and at the end we had only around 10 boxes left.  I know that means there are 125 boxes to unpack. It is completely overwhelming and I have not opened a single box yet.  My mother-in-law unpacked most of the kitchen, so thank goodness for that. 

 

That Airtasker website seems a lot like Fiverr, where people do jobs for only five dollars.  My sister was into that for a while, then she finally decided to just tutor people in Math online, and she actually makes okay money doing that.  She was a college instructor in Math before.

 

I think I did not pack much.  My in-laws must have done most of the packing.  Just take it once box at time.  Packing is much easier than unpacking, I realize now.  I kind of wish I had gone through stuff more, but only cause I know I still have to now. 

 

[Guest [so...]]

125 boxes!! yikes, that is a lot of boxes to unpack, is your MIL able to continue to help? thank god she unpacked the kitchen, that is my big dread.  your post galvanised me into some action at least, i was thinking we would have maybe 20 boxes? well clearly i am in la-la land! so i did another big clear out , i wish i could just throw everything away and start from scratch! I told my partner he has to do another clearout of his stuff this weekend. Your moving cost was very reasonable given the amount of stuff you moved so well done getting that. i think our costs may be higher than anticipated. Is everything out of your old place now?

 

How are you sleeping in the new place? is it like you thought it would be? I think i'm going to try and keep a bit of a journal as i'm sure i'll be "homesick"  LOL!

 

how did you move your food items? did they get put in a box and go in the truck?

 

one of the things i have to do is to go to the doc and get my prescription fot the stroke meds, i keep putting it off, i think i'm just going to tell her i'm better from the w/d to avoid her negative comments, i will have to find a new doc when we move and i'm dreading that too - will you have to find a new doc?

 

Managing to do one moving job a day, trying to stop myself getting anxious....breath in, breath out!

[[Gr...]]

I dread the idea of having to get a new doctor as well.  I will have to change my driver's license and the car registration, but I'm not in a hurry to do that right now.  Actually right now, I am having a distinct feeling of derealization.  I see my husband so excited about owning a house and I don't feel that.  In fact, I don't feel really happy or excited about it at all.   

 

This feeling reminds me a lot of when I went on a vacation with my sister, and she had a great time and I didn't, but it will just all in my head.  Like the stage was set for a good time, and I just was unable to enjoy myself. 

 

We put the food in the bag my mother-in-law had bought for going to the beach.  It was like a cooler but a bag, that you could put food in, with ice packs.  We also packed a plastic garbage bag with ice and put in it a cardboard box, but none of the cold food went with the movers, only the dry food.  I think if I was moving as far as you, 4 -hours away right?,  I would toss the food from the fridge.  I'm not sure the freezer food will survive either, but some of it might. 

[Guest [so...]]

OMG i am feeling so terrible, i went to the supermarket with my partner yesterday and suddenly started to feel very clammy, fatigue off the scale and soooo nauseous, couldn't walk or stand properly and had to be practically carried out by my partner and taken home. Hit with a massive wave like i am back in acute, all the sxs back and the anxiety is awful, benzo flu, vibrations, tinnitus and the nausea won't let up. Seriously worried now about driving all that way in 10 days time, think we will have to work out a Plan B if i am not fit to drive on the day. I am so upset as i had about 3 weeks of feeling reasonably ok (sxs here and there but manageable).This has brought me to my knees again, crying a lot.....such evil drugs.

 

How is your taper going?

[[Gr...]]

Oh no, that's terrible.  Take it easy and rest.  10 days is still a lot of time for you to feel better.  How long is the drive?  Do you have some coping strategies set up for the drive?  I love listening to audio books while I drive, especially long distances,as they distract me enough that I don't really get anxious about much.  At least not easily.

 

I used to have such intense fear while driving that I think was caused by the benzos.  My taper is ok.  I may have cut little too fast.  I'm going to hold.  I'm having all kinds of second thoughts about my mother moving in with us.  I'm worried it's going to be too much for me.

 

I definitely cut too fast.  I find myself wandering from one subject to worry about to the next.  My anxiety is high. I haven't slept very well since we moved.  I am relying on flexeril, this muscle relaxer, to sleep sometimes.  It is one of the few things that almost guarantees a decent amount of sleep.  I hate to take it, but I feel like if it makes me less miserable, and isn't a benzo, that's something for me right now.