Detox, please read

[[ph...]]

I had to stop valium at 7 mg, even 20mg was paradoxical to me. Insomnia, tremoring etc. Its a good thing you are sleeping as there will be healing going on. My sleep is awful. I did go to rehab but it was nhs so badly run...It put me into a very uncomfortable place. I started to improve since i got home last week though still in the shit pit but improving.....Being home again has helped. My bed is comfy compared the rubber thing i had. The place your going to is private so would be a comfortable environment hopefully with not to much stress. The place i was at was 24/7 stress. Im not sure if that was good or bad. It was traumaticto say the least though.

[[fi...]]

God is calling me home.

 

Yesterday I went to the dentist, my mouth has become a mess from all of the dry mouth. They hadn’t seen me in 20 months and wondered what happened to me. They were all horrified. I’ve lost two teeth. Fell out, even with dry mouth support. The dentist is a friend and just cried with me. Said all of my teeth would fall out in the next couple of years tops if I stayed on the meds.

 

I came home to rest beaten and broken, my wife went to the dog park, I declined to go. I prayed for help, a sign, while she left and then the phone rang. My beautiful baby girl Cali a min pin chuahua mix got dragged away from the park by 6 coyotes. We just got a new puppy as our other dog died right after Christmas unexpectedly after the beach. They chased off and tried to kill the coyotes, got Cali back, but she died in my wife’s arms rushing to the vet. So I drove to a bridge to end all of this suffering. Called and said goodbye to all my family. Took a bunch of asprin and ibuprofen and went to jump, But someone stopped me from jumping, a random stranger. All of my family is so sick today, and waited until 2am when I got back to my parents where they all waited with my friends. I felt no hesitation, just release. I’m being watched now and am ordered to get off the meds. I told everyone they didn’t understand what these meds do to you, how they change you, rob you, smother you, steal your soul.

 

I feel like my time is up, I saw the light, and in that light, suffering didn’t exist. I cannot suffer anymore. This will likely get flagged but I don’t care. It’s the truth. This might be last post anyways.

I have never hurt this bad in my life. I now know how Carrie Fishers mom went, or my grandparents a couple days after each other, it truly is of a broken heart.

[[Lo...]]

My heart goes out to you, fish. So sorry for all you went through.

[[Le...]]

Fishy, You hit bottom. Now the only way to go is UP.  See you soon.

[[ma...]]

fishy - Leslie J is right... you've hit bottom.  No way to go but UP.  Your teeth can be fixed.. you can get implants and they will be beautiful.  You got this.  So sorry about your puppy.

No words.  That was really really bad.  But you are God's child.  The very hair's on your head are counted.  He knew you before you were formed in your mother's womb.  He knows the plans He has for you and they are for good and not evil.  You can do this.  You can get

well.  Your family cannot lose you.  You cannot put your wife through that... or your parents.  My heart and prayers go out for you.  Love you dear one. 

[[Rx...]]

My heart also goes out to you, fishyfish.  Please hang in there.

[[Wi...]]

God isnt calling you home fish. Thats the withdrawal talking. You need to  focus on gathering any semblance of strength you have and think about your wife and daughter and what it would do to them if you took your life. They would be beyond devastated and as you well know neither one of them would ever be the same. Many people who have had near death experiences because their suicides were unsuccesful report a not so pretty afterlife fish ie their suffering actually amplified instead of ended. Keep that in mind before you do anything foolish. Maybe God is toughening you up through benzo wd so you can face all the challenges He has in store in the future. Who knows? Im pretty sure God doesnt want you to take your own life. Try to engrain in your mind your suffering will end. Try as hard as you can. Dig as deep as you can to find even one small thing that is good in your life. Really try to do these things. If not for yourself for your family. You are bombarding your cosciousness with one negative thought after another and you really need to add any positivity you can instead of focusing on the doom and gloom because it is getting the best of you fish. I also had a difficult time with dry mouth but that has long passed. When you say “im being watched now” does that mean somebody is with you at all times? And who “ordered” you off all meds? Does that mean you are ct-ing from here on out or does that mean you are resuming a scheduled taper? Once you are off the valium i predict a speedy recovering because you have been keeping yourself in severe tolerance withdrawal for 19 months now by doing the same low dose valium every day. That could very well be your entire issue. Good luck fish.

[[Le...]]

I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on therapy and meds. Never did I get as useful information and support as I have here in the last 2 months.  So grateful.

[[Wi...]]

God is calling me home.

 

Yesterday I went to the dentist, my mouth has become a mess from all of the dry mouth. They hadn’t seen me in 20 months and wondered what happened to me. They were all horrified. I’ve lost two teeth. Fell out, even with dry mouth support. The dentist is a friend and just cried with me. Said all of my teeth would fall out in the next couple of years tops if I stayed on the meds.

 

I came home to rest beaten and broken, my wife went to the dog park, I declined to go. I prayed for help, a sign, while she left and then the phone rang. My beautiful baby girl Cali a min pin chuahua mix got dragged away from the park by 6 coyotes. We just got a new puppy as our other dog died right after Christmas unexpectedly after the beach. They chased off and tried to kill the coyotes, got Cali back, but she died in my wife’s arms rushing to the vet. So I drove to a bridge to end all of this suffering. Called and said goodbye to all my family. Took a bunch of asprin and ibuprofen and went to jump, But someone stopped me from jumping, a random stranger. All of my family is so sick today, and waited until 2am when I got back to my parents where they all waited with my friends. I felt no hesitation, just release. I’m being watched now and am ordered to get off the meds. I told everyone they didn’t understand what these meds do to you, how they change you, rob you, smother you, steal your soul.

 

I feel like my time is up, I saw the light, and in that light, suffering didn’t exist. I cannot suffer anymore. This will likely get flagged but I don’t care. It’s the truth. This might be last post anyways.

I have never hurt this bad in my life. I now know how Carrie Fishers mom went, or my grandparents a couple days after each other, it truly is of a broken heart.

 

 

You ok today Fish? Been a couple days since ur last post. Please let us know u r still winning the fight.

[[ma...]]

Hey Fish:  We need to hear from you.  God is not calling you home.  He sent somebody to save you.  He wants you here .. Your work is not done. 

 

Let us hear from you.  You can beat this. 

[[Le...]]

Fishy was supposed to go to a detox center tomorrow for 15 days. Maybe he went early? I have not heard from him either.

[[ma...]]

Thanks Leslie.  Bless his heart.. hope he gets the help he needs. 

 

Lucero has also been quiet .. he really needs help too.

[[fi...]]

Still here. You guys are amazing.

 

I'm due to go to NAD+ treatment in a few days for 15 days straight. My family is basically taking care of me, watching me, for the next couple of months.

I hit rock bottom, and wanted to die once my baby girl was taken.

But now, I'm pissed and determined The pills must go. And when I am healed, I am joining the killers club for coyotes.

They are killing so many of our pets here in southern califnornia and so many people are left heartbroken.

Cali, was my world, and I will survive for her.

[[ma...]]

good to hear from you fish:  You got this !   

[[Rx...]]

So glad to hear from you, fishyfish.  Wishing you the very best.

[[Gr...]]

Great to hear from you Fishy.  :smitten:

[Guest [Fu...]]

Just read this thread and I'm so glad you found the strength to keep going Fishy. My heart goes out to you. Your strength and determination are inspiring to me. Please keep us posted.

 

I'm also 32 and having an extremely rough time tapering. To the point that I reached out to a rehab center nearby who promised me that they could taper me off safely in 7 days and then have a 30 day inpatient stay. However the cost was $26 grand which I cannot afford and the intake person whom I spoke with sounded like a used car salesman just telling me what I want to hear (That I'd be exercising in a week and have no problems aside from increased anxiety and body aches that Buspar and sleeping meds can take care of.).

 

I too feel stuck. Microtapering is not working for me but I'm terrified to go to any sort of detox facility. I don't know if the Klonopin is paradoxical or I'm just kindled and in severe tolerance or what but I am struggling with you but doing my best to keep moving forward. My teeth have even started chipping and it's freaking me out. I just hope whatever you choose that everything works out for you and you are on your way to healing.

 

Also I just wanted to let you know that updosing also made me feel worse and that what you wrote here resonated with me so much:

 

"I have zero previous knowledge of tolerance or an illness like this.

Normally, if I felt like this, I’d quit, like a job or relationship or drug. But I can’t.

In fact, I would tell a friend or family member to quit, like yesterday.

I know too much now, and feel really trapped. That’s when I get hopeless and or hostile.

Right now I’m both. Chained to a drug that I never wanted and pissed.

Slamming myself against glass prison walls that just throw me to the floor."

[[ma...]]

Klonopin was impossible for me...  I switched from Ativan for anxiety attacks to Klonopin .. and wow  everything got much worse...K gave me anxiety symptoms..heart attack symptoms all of it.  I could not take Klonopin.  Switched to valium .. finally stable and cutting.  Maybe it's the k ??

[[Gr...]]

Fishy, How are you doing now?

[[ea...]]

Fishy, you strike me as just a truly great person. You can beat this. And come out healthier and happier than ever before.

 

I am a "cat person." I have always had a cat or two or more. My cats have been essential to me and are why I did NOT given up when going through my awful withdrawal. I had no one to care for them if I just gave up - so I kept on going. I am so glad I did.

 

You got after those coyotes. I have heard of this problem in your state. Here in Florida we have other "pest" animals. But I love ALL animals, so think it is up to us the protect our pets...whether its being on a leash or just staying inside, like my cats. I long ago came to the conclusion that humans are the worst species ever created. We do such terrible things, to others of our kind and to innocent animals.

 

You keep going, Fishy! Kudos to you for being strong enough to do this.

east

[[Wi...]]

Oh man Fish. You dont really wanna start killing coyotes do you?

[[Rx...]]

Hope you are doing as okay as you can be, fishyfish.

[[ph...]]

Go For It Fish Fish. I Hope They Treat You Well 

 

[[Gr...]]

Fish how are you doing?