The Black Plague

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Hello,

I like everyone here am depressed. I have been off all drugs including AD's for

about 15 months now.  The w/d was not pleasant by no means but I feel now any problems I encounter are no longer w/d but are just the way I am.

I now just feel empty and have no motivation at all. Looking back my life has not improved any since coming off the drugs. I don't feel so drugged up and dizzy all the time but that is it..

At least while on the drugs I participated in life. I had dreams and wanted to participate in life....

Life is getting worse for me each day. I have had some stressful events over the past few months but got by without drugs. I feel dead inside..no dreams, no nothing.

I am seriously considering going back on a/d's. Definitely no benzo's but I think I may need the a/d. Things are getting worse. I am petrified to go back on any drugs but I believe I have to. I am dying here. I am 55 years old and do not want to spend what years I have left in this black hole. Depression runs in my family. indirectly it claimed the lives of my mother and sister.

I don't know what is the safest a/d to be on...I am terrified they may not help me, then what do I do Oh man what a mess I am in....

 

JB

 

[[el...]]

Hello,

I like everyone here am depressed. I have been off all drugs including AD's for

about 15 months now.  The w/d was not pleasant by no means but I feel now any problems I encounter are no longer w/d but are just the way I am.

I now just feel empty and have no motivation at all. Looking back my life has not improved any since coming off the drugs. I don't feel so drugged up and dizzy all the time but that is it..

At least while on the drugs I participated in life. I had dreams and wanted to participate in life....

Life is getting worse for me each day. I have had some stressful events over the past few months but got by without drugs. I feel dead inside..no dreams, no nothing.

I am seriously considering going back on a/d's. Definitely no benzo's but I think I may need the a/d. Things are getting worse. I am petrified to go back on any drugs but I believe I have to. I am dying here. I am 55 years old and do not want to spend what years I have left in this black hole. Depression runs in my family. indirectly it claimed the lives of my mother and sister.

I don't know what is the safest a/d to be on...I am terrified they may not help me, then what do I do Oh man what a mess I am in....

 

JB

 

 

Hey JB,

 

A lot of us know just what you mean.  I'm close to the end of my taper and have had my fill of the evil shadow of depression.  If you have been on A/D's before, then you kind of know what to expect from them.  It may be a little different now though since you're neural chemistry has changed and is still changing.  Last time I tried one (Cymbalta) a couple of months ago and within a week my depression was almost totally gone.  I thought for sure I had found something that would help.  However, about a week later the stuff totally spaced me out and I had the intelligence of a lima bean.  So I had to taper back off of the stuff and decided I wasn't going to try anymore.  I guess it's an individual thing.  It probably works for some people.  If you are really being nailed by depression then you may have to come to the conclusion that you are jst going to have to give it a try - it's a tough decision. 

 

If you do decide to go down that road, you already know this I'm sure, just pay attention to your consciousness and if you find yourself sitting in the car in the driveway having no idea why you are there or what day of the week it is, or other strange mental activity (or lack thereof), you may not want to continue down the A/D road. 

 

I feel for you - depression really really sucks.  I'm trying to find new coping techniques to deal with mine - lifestyle changes, trying to exercise, positive mental attitude reprogramming, reading spiritual books, meditation, but you know how that goes.  It's kind of like buying a book on curing depression and being too down to read it.  Hanging out with positive people would be a good thing if you can find some.  If you're like me, your life may have taken some hits because of everything you've been through, in which case it's real easy to look at your life situation and "get depressed". 

 

I'm thinking of trying some counseling and seeing if that helps.  Probably the one thing that helps me the most is being able to talk to somebody who understands and is compassionate.  I have one or more friends who are great in that department, having been through the "black plague of the world of emotions" themselves.

 

It's not easy that's for sure.  I don't really dream either.  It's such a shame that you and a lot of us go through really really challenging times to get off this benzo train and still have to deal with depression.  You are far from dead inside, my friend, but I know exactly what you are talking about.  What I hate about it is that I know it's really just a matter of neural chemistry not being quite right.  It just sees like there should be SOMETHING we can take - but I haven't found it.

 

So just make a promise to yourself that you will not give up until the depression is gone.  You probably did that when you did the benzo w/d process.  Determination and refusing to give up until you've won will get you there in time, like it did when you did the w/d.  You beat the benzos, you will beat the depression.  If you refuse to give up and stick to your goal of being depression free, you'll find a way to beat this. 

 

When I tried the Cymbalta, I had thought about it carefully and had gotten to the point where I just didn't feel like I had any other options.  So, kind of as a last resort, I gave it a try.  Since my depression comes and goes I may at some point have to try another A/D if I again find that I am too down and can't come up with anything else.  All I really know is that most problems have a solution and I'm not giving up until I win.

 

Pleaes keep us posted on your progress.  We all care since so many of us are in the same boat.  And talk to us - we help each other around here. 

 

Hang in there dude,

Elwood

 

 

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Hey Elwood,

My goodness it is good to hear from you. You certainly know the draws of depression. You spell it out to the "T". I do believe I will have to try something. This is not living at all. I think I may have to try more than one type before I find one that does work. I can't see me being fortunate enough to get one right off the bat. I hate the thought of it but I know I have to.

There are so many a/d's on the market. It is frightening.

 

I am so afraid I will make myself sick again. I hope not...

Monster headache today.

 

I will keep you posted here. Please take care of yourself and I sure hope you beat this monster soon as well.

 

As always

JB

 

[[el...]]

Hey Elwood,

My goodness it is good to hear from you. You certainly know the draws of depression. You spell it out to the "T". I do believe I will have to try something. This is not living at all. I think I may have to try more than one type before I find one that does work. I can't see me being fortunate enough to get one right off the bat. I hate the thought of it but I know I have to.

There are so many a/d's on the market. It is frightening.

 

I am so afraid I will make myself sick again. I hope not...

Monster headache today.

 

I will keep you posted here. Please take care of yourself and I sure hope you beat this monster soon as well.

 

As always

JB

 

 

Yo JB,

 

You got it dude.  Just refuse to give up and you will prevail.  Yeah, try what you think can help and keep your eyes open for alternative approaches - sometimes help comes in unexpected ways.  It has for me, that's for sure.  Meanwhile, feel free to PM me and you are always welcome to hang out in my blog any time.  You will conquer this.  If I can, you can (I still have a ways to go but there has been tremendous improvement).

 

BTW, I think I forgot to mention that when I tried Cymbalta, it totally relieved my depression for about a week before the medicine became too intense for me.  It's got an SSRI and also some other neurotransmitter reuptake inhibitor.  I don't recommend A/D's but I hear you on the need to do something.  Good luck, stay in touch, GodSpeed...

 

Cheers,

Elwood

[[ge...]]

 

Hi Dena,

 

I am going through the same thing -- BTW, I liked the title of your topic, although I have to say I almost identify with it too greatly. I feel as though I have crawled into a black hole, and I need to KEEP telling myself that this depression I'm feeling isn't essential depression -- it's called withdrawal depression. Last time I withdrew from Valium, I also was depressed a lot, but this time, my depression is laced with fear, as well, since I am worried about my thyroid problems. The last time around I was put on benzos for those problems, too, but I thought the problem was solved, and then it raised its ugly head again, and here I am again dealing with this disaster.

 

Dena, you say you have no friends, but probably this is just temporary. Most of my fair weather friends avoid me like the plague, and that's okay. You learn who your REAL friends are when you're sick and depressed all the time. I sometimes have windows of quasi normalcy, for now, at least, which usually occur at night or after the sun goes down. I am SO light sensitive that just seeing the sun makes me depressed, and here I thought sunlight was good for depression. 

 

When you're depressed like this, Dena, just keep telling yourself it's only "benzopression." I can manage that all right, but when the headaches start, I am TOTALLY lost. I had a terrible migraine for three days which finally abated. Maybe my homeopath got overly zealous and gave me too strong a remedy -- or maybe the last cut finally got to me. I will probably cut in three days again, God willing. I always say "God willing", although I'm not really religious. I suppose it's a kind of habit with me. I suppose I believe there is a God, but I'm not affiliated with any particular religion at the moment. Dad was an Orthodox Jew and Mom wasn't Jewish. Oh, well. I do hope you will feel better. I notice all the symptoms -- including the depression -- come and go in waves.

 

Love,

Genie

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Hi Genie

 

How you got your font that size and colour is a mystery to me..(I am not pc friendly). I am glad you have your type of depression under control, withdrawl depression.

I thought that it had something to do with general depression when w/d like, all the other horrible things we have to endure during that time.

Ok so benzopression, I attribute some of my depression to that very word, but,

 

When each day consistently melts into the other with no meaning no sound no human contact. When day becomes night and the date doesn't matter anymore neither does the day because everything is a blur and you are stumbling around forgetting to take meds and then taking them at the wrong time...something has to be done.

I can't add humour to my depressive saga as Elwood does (amazingly so) Hats off to him.

 

I don't know what i need to stop the melting so i can have whole days.

A whole day without swimming in a dark water. When my head is not tired.

A whole day with a few smiles is a good day.

 

Peace

Dena

 

Once again thank you for posting and sharing your feelings with us Genie, they help.

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Hey all

 

I haven't really been following this thread until now.  I know how you are all feeling, but mine is born from anxiety.  I guess it is different in some ways, but the end result is the same.  After a while of extreme anxiety, you shut down, completely.  Every movement you make feels like you are moving through mud and the idea of doing anything is a chore.  One of the ways I got through it was what my doctor called bookends to the day.  The first thing you do is get up and brush your teeth.  The last thing you do before you go to bed is go and brush your teeth.  What happens in between is just a bonus.  Oh, and praise yourself like crazy for getting your bookends done.

 

 

Lori

 

[[si...]]

well i went out and walked in the sun - that was healing - i went to a meeting where no on showed up - but that was ok cause i walked in the sun and i do believe the sun has special healing properties.

[[Be...]]

I, too, have suffered from the darkest, blackest depression, as well.  I am in some right now...no where near as bad as it used to get...and I do have justified reason for it...tho I know some of it is still lingering w/d and hormonal issues from an early peri-menopause start.

 

I have many reasons to be happy, too...but the bad things can seem to outweigh all the goodness I have in my life now and for my future when I feel this way.  I am mainly not happy where I am now...physically and medically.  I know patience and time will likely fix all that...but the waiting is unbearable at times.  I have been benzo-sick since Jan. 2005...with anxiety/panic attacks that put me on the Ativan...so at almost 2.5 years OFF the Ativan, I am sick of waiting to be 100% me again.

 

Here's the thread I started in July of 2005, after being off Ativan about 3 months:

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/depression-anxiety-panic-and-insomnia/dark-depression/0/

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Here's the thread I started in July of 2005, after being off Ativan about 3 months:

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/depression-anxiety-panic-and-insomnia/dark-depression/0/

 

Sorry to bout hi-jacking this thread but Lisa I clicked on the link and read one of my post's dated July 27, 2005. I cant believe I've been dealing with this for so long. It isnt fair.

 

Dave

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Hi Dena...

 

I am new to the forum.  I can relate so much to what you are going through.  I am also BiPolar and an artist.  I live on disability due to the illness.  I tend to be on the down side of the coin.  I always call it dipping...

 

For me I go into shut down...Bit by bit I stop functioning until I stay inside for days, figure why bother getting dressed and stay in bed....It has only been about 3 years since my diagnosis but one of the things that has saddened me most is that my meds have flattened my moods down and my creativity and excitement to paint and create has dwindled down so much...

 

When it hits I feel lost, hopeless and alone.  I try to force myself to get out at least to my parents.  I joined a gym 2 months ago but I have not gone in a while...Funny thing is that I have so many opportunities and I sit depressed.  I raised my daughters and am not in a relationship so I am free.  But I do nothing. I get agitated when I run out of toilet paper because I will have to go to the store.

 

I do work part time (only 16 hours a week) and am also on permanent disability. Right now I am on a month medical leave because my depression was so bad.  I cannot handle 16 hours a week ! But as usual it is passing and I am slowing getting my routine back.  I try to be gentle with myself and accept what is going on instead of getting upset with it...I appreciate this thread so much sharing ideas to help shake the blues. 

 

Right now I am feeling good enough to go back to my little job in about 2 weeks. After 26 years of having a welling paying career I had to quit and took off over a year to stabilize and remove as much stress in my life as possible.  I can relate to you so well.  Well, I don't want to hijack your thread and just wanted to say hello..

 

Take care,

Cheryl 

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Hi there Cheryl

 

HELLO 

 

By no means are you hijacking anything, please feel free to post here as often as you like and share as much as you want.

 

May I say a very warm welcome to the BB, you will find people who genuinely care and are ready to help at the drop of a hat.

 

I can't see what i wrote in the thread so i may be repeating myself. I also live on disability and in my country it is enough to live in a tent in the bush and eat bread and milk for a month.

 

So i live with my parents, i have a roof over my head, food, a bedroom, a studio, a computer and i still walk around in my pj's swimming in dark water with no light.

 

People seem to think the word sad is a feeling that passes quickly. But you and i know that sadness is the word for huge losses in our lives, loss of time.

 

I have been on these drugs so long that my creativity is something i reminisce about, i still paint but i get to the point where after a few brushstrokes i want to hide in bed hoping someone else will finish it. I paint abstracts now...much easier

 

I can relate to the feelings you describe, you use the word "force" yourself to get to your parents.

Cheryl, you need to force yourself to do more, people with Bipolar do live full and to the best of their ability balanced managed lives. You should do some research about Bipolar and your meds....sometimes the meds actually make it worse.

 

At the moment i am trying to get off mine.

 

I am the same about shopping, its an opportunity to "get out"  But its panic attack haven.

 

Be thankfull you live in a country where you can go for a walk around the block, make use of it!!!

In tying to encourage you i am comming over in a disjointed way, its my medication and 18 years of it.

 

This is whats waiting for you Cheryl......the rest of your life like me, you are at the start line.

 

Please post again or pm me

Do you know what type of bipolar you are?

 

Peace

Dena

[[Be...]]

Sorry to bout hi-jacking this thread but Lisa I clicked on the link and read one of my post's dated July 27, 2005. I cant believe I've been dealing with this for so long. It isnt fair.

 

Dave

 

It's crazy, isn't it???  I hate reading the posts that make me sound so desperate and hopeless...it's like I am not that person anymore.  And tho I do still slide into depression now...I am happy to report, it is not as dark and it leaves me faster.

[[Co...]]

BNM,

 

You did seem to carry a cloud around with you. I am really pleased to hear that you are much improved.

[[Be...]]

BNM,

 

You did seem to carry a cloud around with you. I am really pleased to hear that you are much improved.

 

Oh, it was awful.  I just couldn't shake it.  I prayed for death in my sleep, it was that bad.  But now...I have the occasional situational depression.  And with sick parents and living in a place I hate right now...that's quite normal.  I spent 6 weeks in Illinois with my fiance' and my depression was almost never there...which goes to show how much our surroundings affect our mental well-being.

 

Btw...thanks, Colin.  You were one of the ppl who always rooted for me to improve...you're a good friend.

 

How are you today???

[[Co...]]

I'm middling. I've had some protracted problems with insomnia (from the withdrawal) from the last quarter of last hear into the biginning of this. Then dreadful headaches (another protracted problem from withdrawal), into the spring. But all of this year I've had a major flare-up with neurological disorder. I suppose that there is some interaction between the protracted benzo problems and the Myoclonus. I think that the protracted benzo problems are fading, despite the flare ups. I've just started anew medication for the Myoclonus - I'm hoping it works out. The only other treatment is Clonazepam, and there is no way I'm going back to that.

[[Be...]]

I'm middling. I've had some protracted problems with insomnia (from the withdrawal) from the last quarter of last hear into the biginning of this. Then dreadful headaches (another protracted problem from withdrawal), into the spring. But all of this year I've had a major flare-up with neurological disorder. I suppose that there is some interaction between the protracted benzo problems and the Myoclonus. I think that the protracted benzo problems are fading, despite the flare ups. I've just started anew medication for the Myoclonus - I'm hoping it works out. The only other treatment is Clonazepam, and there is no way I'm going back to that.

 

I don't blame you there on the benzo.  Let us know how the new med pans out.  Here's hoping it helps in a big way.

[[su...]]

Hi Dena...

 

I was diagnosed as BiPolar 1....I am on the downside of things...When I was diagnosed I and even until this year I read what I can on the subject.  Who wants this ?  You of course know how it is as so many others.  It sucks.  But I have always stayed up on it and the meds.  I appreciate Doctors but know that they are far from perfect too. 

 

You know, through all of the wreckage I still know how lucky I am....I can hold on to that intellectually always.  I have a loving supportive family and 2 daughters 21 and 18 who have beautiful hearts.  But I could be Queen of the World and be powerless when I am in the throws of a downer...It just does not matter what goodness there is when it hits. But enough on that 

 

For me, when I can manage to have a sense of humor no matter how twisted...once I can laugh feel so much better...what a blessing laughter is...The best medicine for free...

 

Thanks so much again....

 

Cheryl

 

P.S.  I was going to tell you that I have been doing abstracts also as of late...I never was interested in them when I felt better but know enjoy them when I am in the mood...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[si...]]

i am dealing with depression - but then i dealt with depression pre-benzo's - during benzo's and i am sure i will deal with it post benzo's.

 

i see no way out of it and feel there is excellent reasons for me to be depressed - maybe i can deal with it on a cognitive level - maybe my life is depressing and that is all there is to it.

 

i am finding this far into withdrawal i am sleeping way too much - but then i slept way to much prior to benzo use, during benzo using and not into benzo withdrawals.

[[Be...]]

I find too much sleeping always depressed me more.  The sun and a nice day helped the MOST!!!

[[Sa...]]

I find too much sleeping always depressed me more.  The sun and a nice day helped the MOST!!!

 

I think for the majority here, we can't get enough sleep or any sleep for that matter.  It's not that we are sleeping too much.

 

I really do think it's beneficial to get at least 30 minutes of natural sunlight a day though.

 

Sandy

[[Be...]]

I think for the majority here, we can't get enough sleep or any sleep for that matter.  It's not that we are sleeping too much.

 

I really do think it's beneficial to get at least 30 minutes of natural sunlight a day though.

 

Sandy

 

Lately, since my Dad died...I have had a lot of sleepless nights...but I don't think it's a benzos issue.

[[ge...]]

 

Dena,

 

Ever since I started tapering off Valium, I have suffered from severe depression. And, guess what? Because I also have a hyperactive thyroid, I can't even take antidepressant drugs. They just send me to the ER with hypertension. So, I have to keep telling myself this is "benzopression" and not the real deal, as I had never suffered from depression before taking these blasted drugs!!!

 

And, talk about anger. Anger is my middle name. I never used to be angry person, and now the slightest argument, noise or discord causes unbelievable anger -- at myself for not finding a non-benzo way to deal with this and anger at the doctors for not knowing how to quiet my thyroid and anger at life in general. Anger and depression often go hand in hand.

 

I write a lot of poetry and songs in order to try to alleviate my suffering. I can just see my epitaph "Here lies a famous benzo poetess" -- lol!

 

Try to hang in there. I am trying, but sometimes I live from moment to moment. 

 

I am 61 years old, and I did pretty much everything I wanted to do with my life, but I can't do anything TO myself because my husband loves me and I can't opt out of life because he needs me, sick and pathetic though I feel. I know it's the withdrawal from this Valium which is causing this symptom. But, I am worried about the future because, what will happen if they can't fix my thyroid and I'll need to do this a third time? But, I should not worry because worry is counterproductive. I'm glad I even have a husband and a roof over my head and a lovely property which I can't even enjoy right now.

 

When I have a window, I can enjoy music, but that's about it. Or, I watch TV to pass the time. I used to walk for miles. Now, a 15-minute walk tires me out. What a non-life!

 

Love,

Genie

[[Su...]]

By the way, where is Dena.  I haven't seen any of her posts for a while.  Are they around and did I just miss them.  Wondering where and how she is?

[[Co...]]

Dena hasn't logged in in nearly a month. I hope she is OK.