More Evidence: We all heal! Ready to live again after 21 months.

[[Fi...]]

Hey, thanks!  You made my day!  I hope your "testimony" will encourage others to give this wonderful CD a try.  So many people struggle with anger and bitterness, just as I did, and being given a fresh way to think about it really helps.  I'm guessing people are resistant to trying it because they feel their anger is justified, and of course it is, but that's not the point.  I remember saying to my husband, halfway snippy, "Okay, I ordered a CD about anger and forgiveness.  Are you HAPPY?!"

 

I should be sending you a prize for being the first person to take me up on this recommendation and then report back.

[[Fi...]]

Just to let the folks who posted here know that I have posted a new  and final success story!

[[we...]]

reading it now.Thanks,for your honesty and sharing your gift of being able to write!wen

[[Fi...]]

Just to let people know that the final success story I posted was removed by the moderators as commercial advertising.

 

Goodbye and God bless you all.

[[cr...]]

Thank you for this great post and these words of giving up the energy taken to care what people think of us!

 

 

I gave up so long ago caring what anybody else thinks about what’s going on with me, that when I read somebody’s post being concerned about this, I’m like, Wow, they’re still worrying about that?  Give it up!  The world doesn’t understand. They think we’re nutcases.  The only way to prove them wrong is to get fully well and reappear.

 

I have listened to Belleruth Naparstek's CD called Anger & Forgiveness hundreds of times.  I had so much anger to deal with, and this elegantly written meditation helped calm my brain.

 

[[Fi...]]

Thanks, Cryptal.    I'd forgotten I wrote this, but now that I'm well, it seems more true than ever, and if I have any regrets it's that I didn't grasp this earlier in my healing.  But how can you when you're struggling for understanding among those around you?  It's horrific, it really is, the isolation we feel in the middle of this, but somehow thinking we'd get well if only people understood us better is futile road to travel. Healing takes whatever time it's going to take.  The only thing to do is endure, while trying not to burn any more bridges with people than you absolutely have to!  (I burned a few, but they needed burning anyway! ) 

[[Ma...]]

Hi Linda,

Thank you so much for writing such a great book on this subject.  I've read most of the books out there, and I can't tell you how much I needed to hear a story like yours.  You don't sugar coat anything, and your honesty about your whole process is astounding. You see, I kept my experience largely to myself.  I told people in the beginning, but when they didn't believe me or said "how can that be?" I stopped telling people.  My boss even said "oh that can't be.  Must be menopause."  Uh, yeah right.  So, I walked around looking like an old dishrag most of the time and spent most of my time alone.  You've inspired me to open up and start telling my story to those around me.  I no longer fear being labeled a drug addict. People need to understand what these drugs can do do many of us, and that starts with telling our stories, especially if the medical profession won't admit there's a problem.

 

I read your entire book over the weekend. I found myself saying YES!!! and a few more OMG's when you said something that I had experienced too. The BB site here is so helpful, but often we just get bits and pieces of others' stories, and not the whole thing. 

 

I just wanted to drop in and say a big, resounding thank you!

Julie

[[Fi...]]

Thank you so much, Julie, for the affirmation.  I'm glad it rang bells for you.  Let me point out again, though, that I wasn't telling this story to the world in the middle of it.  I saw the skepticism with which any explanation was greeted and resolved to just stay home!  I'm not very good at NOT talking, so that was the easiest way for me to keep my mouth shut!  Also, a lot of the time I was just too sick to go out and socialize anyway.

 

Now people are greeting news of my book  with "Wow, I had no idea you were going through this!"  (I suspect a lot of people thought maybe I'd died or moved away.)  I really feel for people like you who have bosses to contend with and are trying to keep up with a job.  It was a bit of a luxury for me to be able to live a reclusive life for these past years.

 

Hang in there.  I like your tag about having a drug free life.  I do think our brains like it better that way and the reward for you will be awesome in the end!

 

Thanks again. 

[Guest [mu...]]

I just wanted to stop in and say that I finished your book, FJ, and it was amazing! You brought me so much hope and validation. Thanks again for writing it and for continuing to be here for others. xo

[[ba...]]

                                       

Beautiful, TY, Just found your book on kindle.

[[Fi...]]

Thanks, Muuturaia, for your kind words about my book and Baddove for checking it out.

 

This week felt like kind of a milestone in that I was able to take up some of the classes that had been so long put aside while I was healing.  My husband and I made it back to Cowboy Dancing, and I showed up at Tribal Belly Dance class for the first time in years.  I've taken up a challenging Barre3 three class that had been one of my goals for so long.

 

I could have cried for happiness last night when we started waltzing to Their Hearts Were Dancing because I just had this incredible sense of wow, we made it.  I'm well.  And my brain was working so much better than it had been when we first started the classes in the middle of my withdrawal to disastrous results.

 

I  always feel like I have to say that I didn't have every last horrid symptom that many of you suffer with, but I had plenty of physical pain, blackest depression and crushing fatigue.  I spent weeks on end on the sofa, unable to imagine ever having normal energy again.  But now I do.  I'm well, and you will be too if you hang in there.  I was 61 when I fell into this hell hole and now I'm 65, but I can confirm that 65 is a terrific age to be if you're well, so those of you who are on the older side, please take heart.  Patience and faith will win the day.

 

Please just know that I spent a lot of time feeling as desperate as you all do, and now I don't.  The very idea of healing seemed like this vision of a glowing castle on a hill, completely unattainable and if I ever could, miraculous.  So, being myself again does feel like a miracle.  It will happen for you, too.

 

Bless you all.

FinallyJoining

 

[[ro...]]

Hi FJ63!!

 

Healing does  happen..

I'm not posting much these days. I'm engaged in my life , the good and not so good, but I'm coping much better ..

You were so kind and helpful to me.

I hope to jump before New Year's Eve.

Lower dose now, but like some, I'm actually less anxious, 

Less depressed. My fatigue is still evident. And sleep is rotten. I'm 64 , but hopeful those things improve.

Your post inspires me so much. Love your writing and expressing ...

Patience, time, faith. Yes. 

It does happen.

Thank you.

Love , peace

Rosegal. 🌹🌹🌹💕😍😍😍

.

[[Fi...]]

Hey Rosegal--thanks for these kind words.  Most welcome. You hang in there!  We are at a great age to get well!  I firmly believe our golden years truly can be golden.  This formerly dead-to-the-world-for-so-long-girl just took a turn around the house to Dancing on the Ceiling with my grandson, having just got the news that baby brother is on the way!!!!  There's so much to live for.

 

Time---the most difficult prescription but, at the same time, the simplest.

[[fr...]]

I can feel your joy and couldn't be more happy for you!!!  Congratulations!  Thanks for sharing your amazing story!!! 

 

Bless you,

 

Freida

[[Fi...]]

Frieda--I've been following your recent posts and know that we are definitely on the same page--just so damned glad to be well after going through this hell.  I hope the fact that we made it and are here to testify that recovery is possible will help everybody else hang on.  It seems like nobody gets well as fast as they wish they would, but healing does come eventually.

 

I especially  related to your success story about all your relationships crumbling.  Went through a ton of that myself and now that I'm well it's all about sorting these relationships out and figuring which were just as well lost.  I think a lot of it is going to be about forging brand new relationships with people who get this.  I'm finding they don't have to be people who actually went through benzo withdrawal; sometimes they're just other women who've gained wisdom through the years after some really rough patch of their own.  True wisdom is hard to find, and I will be hanging onto these people!

 

I'm interested in your relationships with  your grown kids, too.  A real circus on that front here too.  We are not coming out of this the same people we went in, right?  But hopefully new and improved!  Thanks for checking in. 

[[Va...]]

FJ,

 

Great success story and very encouraging words!  I will read your book! I feel as if I'm getting closer to healed.  I know I'm healing it's just not getting here soon enough!  Symptoms are falling off recently and is a good sign. I'm close to 16 months from jump date and still having symptoms that are ones that I keep telling myself "oh I can handle these symptoms...just move on and keep going..I will heal soon!"

 

Have a successful and pain free life!  Best to you!

 

Val

[[Fi...]]

Thanks, Val.  It really sounds like you are on your way.  One thing I've noticed in following so many stories these past three years is that nobody ever seems to heal as fast as they'd hope, and many are shocked by recurrent symptoms long after they've had periods of considering themselves well.  In the end, though, people do heal, and I almost think it's a blessing we don't know ahead how long it will take.  I found the best thing was to just try to take each day as it came and make it the best I could, given whatever symptoms I had going on.  It turns out this is not a bad plan for dealing with life once you're well, either!

 

Thank  you for your kindness in responding to my story. 

[[li...]]

Beautiful writing, brought a tear to my eye. Too bad we are all accidental addicts that got stuck in the hell to begin with.

 

We live we learn,

what I once thought was a curse, I now know was just a path to make me stronger

a test to prove to myself that I am indeed stronger than I ever once thought

I thought I had conquered the world, only to realize that I had yet to conquer myself

a small pill, swallowed with the promise that my pain would be relieved only to find out that it was only temporary

Had I known that the punishment was worse than the crime, I would have been more courageous

Now I toil, daily, hourly, moment by moment

my inner lion growls

Is this the final test?

[[Fi...]]

Linnie--these are beautiful words too.  And you're definitely on the right track.  Absolutely, this has been the hardest test of my life, and I'm 65, so there have been a few before! But we do come out stronger, with more knowledge about ourselves and others.  Keep remembering that you are the heroine of your own story and each day do those things which, if you were watching this story played out by someone else, you would admire.  And be your own best caretaker!  Because the truth is, we often just don't look that sick to others and it's tough to get the caretaking we need from them.

 

It's been interesting that even those closest to me have been shocked to read my book.  A typical comment:  "Wow.  I had no idea what you were going through. And I was right there watching, with you always trying to explain it!"  So it's good to be able to come to BB and know that people here DO understand just how hard this is for you, just how much strength it takes.

 

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and focus as much as possible on the positive things in life you can feed into your brain.  Very few can  resist doing it, but analyzing your symptoms and focusing on them doesn't speed up your healing at all.  Be kind to yourself.  Encourage yourself as you would someone else you loved and wanted to help heal.

 

You'll get there!

[[we...]]

I have to say,That reading this,and seeing such open honesty and such awesome writing,Gives me hope.A very engaging read,although we have different stories,I could so relate!Thanks finallyjoining.Much appreciated.wen.God Bless your good heart!

[[Fi...]]

Thanks, Wen.  Your kind support has always meant a lot to me.  I guess you realize you were one of those people I was thanking in the back of the book?

 

I'll always be rooting for you.

[[Bl...]]

Lovely, thank you so much!!

[[Fi...]]

You're very welcome, Blueskies, and thank YOU for stopping by with kind words.

[[Fi...]]

Happy New Year, all!  Four years ago on this date I took my last crumb of rapidly-tapered oxycodone.  Eight months after that, realizing I wasn't getting well and suddenly wondering if maybe my light but long term use of Xanax was part of the problem, I cold-turkeyed that drug.

 

It's been long and tortuous rollercoaster of a journey, but I am finally completely well.  I wrote this original success story at 21 months, not knowing how much better I was going to continue to feel.  I thought I was just getting old, after all--I'm 65--but now it turns out many of the symptoms I was attributing to aging, especially cognitive function, were really about the effects of Xanax.

 

My heart goes out to those of you still struggling.  I know many of you who have been in the trenches for a long time get sick of being told to just hang in there, that time is the healer and all, so I won't say that.  I'll just reiterate my strong belief that, absent the drugs, our brains WANT to heal and will. 

 

And for those of you just hitting the year mark off your benzos, just appalled that you are not better by now, I hear you. Yes, there must be people who get off these drugs without trouble, but they are not here.  Those who've found their way to the BB board seem to find that healing just takes longer than they ever imagined.  But the thing is---it will happen.  I know when you're so terribly sick, it seems impossible it will ever happen, but I'm living proof: I was more or less dead to the world, now I'm well.  No magic supplements or other drugs.  Just time, a good diet, exercise when possible, and a faithful half-hour of yoga every morning.

 

You can always find threads here about the lack of support from friends and loved ones.  It's heart-breaking, it really is.  And it's true, people are not going to understand what we're going through.  This is the bad news.  The good news is that, in the end, it doesn't matter.  Support is nice, but the most loving support in the world cannot speed this process, as several people here well know.  At the same time, the lack of understanding can't stop you from healing either!

 

Each of us is basically on our own.  It's customary to claim that only the people on BB really understand, and this is true, to the extent that only we understand all these bizarre symptoms.  But I've come to feel the world is not divided into BB members who understand and an idiotic outside world completely lacking in compassion or understanding or wisdom.  There are people out there capable of empathy, people who can say "Hey, I had breast cancer but I can see how you had it way worse."  Or "I believe you because here's how I got messed up on drug XYZ my favorite doctor prescribed for me."

 

If you're lucky enough to find someone with the wisdom to support you, please, hang onto that person.  Try not to make it any harder than it is for that person to stay close.  When our brains are fried on these drugs, we are not the easiest people to deal with.  Somehow I never lost sight of that fact, so that, at my worst, when I really wanted to leave my darling husband of forty years, I just kept telling myself that it would be stupid to make some big dramatic decision when obviously my brain was completely compromised and I was not thinking straight.

 

It was almost impossible to imagine, during all those dark months (years, in the end) that I would ever come back to myself, but now I have, and it's so amazing.  I feel calmer and happier than I have in years.  And I'm even off of a 25-year course of propranolol, which was prescribed to help prevent migraines.  Now, without it, my BP is fine and I have little trouble with migraines.  When I was sick, I suffered terribly from anhedonia, the inability to experience pleasure.  I'd look around my sewing and craft room, thinking to sort it out, and just go, "What on earth was I thinking?  Why did I make this stuff? "  Now I'm back and I remember: I did it because it was fun!  Because I would good at it!  Because it was sparking off little hits of pleasure in my brain. 

 

In sum, I thought my life was over.  Now I feel like I'm poised for a lovely third act.

 

I'm sorry, I have to say it:  hang in there!  It's all you can do but you'll be so glad you did.  Take good care of yourself.  Be your own best friend.  Talk to yourself the way you'd talk to a child you loved and wanted to encourage.  If you have a tendency to beat yourself up, ask yourself whether you'd inflict these thoughts on anyone but yourself.  If not, cut it out!  You deserve at least one person being kind to you, right?

 

I feel like this is my best New Year ever, and I truly believe that the New Year will be better for everyone here who is on the path of healing. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[we...]]

So this is where I come,to get a few words from finallyjoining, for comfort again.Thank you. :thumbsup:wendy