More Evidence: We all heal! Ready to live again after 21 months.

[[Fi...]]

Thanks, Cindys.  I've been reading your posts and have felt that we were having similar experiences, so maybe your time for full healing will come soon.  Sure hope so. 

[[Lo...]]

Has your non-knowing searching to the right thing come back? What I do have is what I know, I can recall easily. But, for example, there are UFC fights going on right now. I wanted to know who Matt Mitrione was facing. I didn't remember, so I tried to search my mind, and there was that heavy blackness. I knew I knew, I just couldn't do it. After 3 minutes of finally saying it's not going to happen, I looked it up and it was "Ben Rothwell". I should have known that. So then I wondered who was fighting before. I knew I knew, I just coulnd't put it on my tongue. Again, after trying, I finally looked it up and it was Dustin Pourier...cmon, I should have gotten those. So now I'm staying in this mode trying to improve it, the locating what you don't automatically know. Does this come back?

 

(As I stayed focused on this locating, my right brain area started burning with that intense burn I would get with the left side months ago, and the right side would only burn ever so slightly whenever a new idea popped up or something like that. So I googled right brain and left brain and here's what I got

 

The Right Brain

 

According to the left-brain, right-brain dominance theory, the right side of the brain is best at expressive and creative tasks. Some of the abilities that are popularly associated with the right side of the brain include:

 

Recognizing faces (Boom, recognizing)

Expressing emotions (still lacking, but slightly improving)

Music (I can make music by going off of what I feel is right, but that's about it)

Reading emotions (still lack this)

Color (don't really pay attention to this)

Images (..)

Intuition (Searching)

Creativity (Lacking)

 

The Left Brain

 

The left-side of the brain is considered to be adept at tasks that involve logic, language and analytical thinking. The left-brain is often described as being better at:

 

Language (Have this easily)

Logic (Have this easily)

Critical thinking (Have this easily)

Numbers (Easily, although locating is a little bit off [recognizing])

Reasoning (Easily)

 

Has your right side come back? And if you are a right side, has your left side come back?

[[Fi...]]

So you're having these episodes of what I always called "brain holes" at 21?  At your age, I would bet for sure this would go away.  Us old folks  start having this as a matter of course.  Now that it's started to happen less as I recover from the benzos, I realize that it was benzos and not age.  I would say, extrapolating from my story, that  you just have some normal benzo cog fog and this will definitely improve.  Lots of people have way worse mental symptoms than this that eventually heal.  try not to worry.  Easier said than done, I know, but all the evidence is in your favour.  As long as you don't party with drugs!

[[Lo...]]

I guess my right side is still weakened. This better not be another 3 months of right side healing, this was the same with my left side just two months ago, until the burning finally stopped happening (rewiring), it still happens, but just slightly. Right now I have this pure concentrated look on my face, and now both sides are tingling...I'm going to both improve and let my baby heal, I'm starting to see depictions of normality again, even though I'm slower again.

[[Lo...]]

I've definitely hit a new stage where I'm in the world and my retrieving is working also, in the background. I'm starting to feel as if I'm me again, the head and face tingles are happening again, I feel as if I'm being healed but you just need to keep going, for those who read this in the future. You can be the guy who let's his mind heal on his own at a slow pace, or you can be the guy who heals it and let's it heal on it's own. Just do what you feel is right.

[[...]]

FJ,  so pleased for your recovery and I have loved reading your success story. It has given me some much needed encouragement as I am approaching 14 month and the waves of fatigue are hitting me. Has your energy returned now? Looking forward to your book too.  This is something I have been contemplating, not just benzo stuff,  I feel I have a story to tell only my brain is too foggy at the moment. Anyway,  I wish you a happy and content future 

[[be...]]

FJ, I'm so happy for you. I took so much from your story and will carry it with me in my tool box.

So much talent you have in writing with emotion and getting the point across.

I'm happy you're not going anywhere and so looking forward to reading your book.

 

I have a lot of cog fog this am....feel so stuck on the right words to express myself...hate that.

 

A journey like no other has traveled...into the unknown...stand by be.

 

Be well.  Enjoy your healing and healed life to the fullest.

[[Fi...]]

Thanks so much, Marj and Beulah!   Of course I've been following your stories on the 12-18 month board and feel surely you must be right behind me.  The road IS unbelievably long, but it does end!

[[An...]]

:clap: :clap:  

 

Oh FJ, I am so very happy for you!!!! I often think that if I ever heal it will be a miracle...you have your miracle!!!!!! Your very own beautiful miracle of life!!!! You've been this strong warrior continuing on and never giving up and I so look up to your strength and compassion. I don't know what I'd do without you, where I'd be if you hadn't decided to be here for me. It's so beautiful that you've written your story for all the BBs here now and to come in the future. I wish no one would have to go through this nightmare but I know as long as these drugs exist people will suffer. It's so wonderful that you are doing something about it, writing your memoir!!! Congratulations on it all: your miracle, your success story, and your book!!! And thank you eternally for being here for me and so many others on the boards 

 

With so much love 

[[Te...]]

What absolute POETRY to read your healing words, FJ!!!!!!! I'm astounded that someone whose words I've read often has finally healed. I cannot tell you what hope you give me. If it takes me 21 months - dang, that would be great, and I could handle so much better what I'm going through now, which is depression once again about everything in my life. But I have a feeling that it will take me longer...

 

THANKS SO MUCH for your words of wisdom. And hearing from one of the older ones, near my age, helps calm me. We ARE able to heal. It just may take awhile longer.

 

I long to wake up and feel the way you feel. As you said, it's impossible to remember those feelings from the past when in benzo w/d. I can recall them, but the feelings don't touch me. It's hard to believe that I could actually feel the way you say you feel now when you wake up in the morning, day after day. It sounds like a fairy tale come true. I'm so used to pain and misery that I'm afraid it's becoming my forever lifestyle. I need to know that true positive health and happiness await. 

 

But you've done it, you've felt it, and you're living it. That's all I need to know to feel that I also can experience this for myself. And I'll be one of the persons who will immediately jump on the bandwagon to get your new book!!!!!!

 

You go, girl, and good luck and may you have a very, very fulfilling and happy life because you damned well deserve it with every fiber of your being!!!!!     

[[Fi...]]

Angel--it DOES feel like a miracle.  And after all this time, hoping and waiting for it, I had to wonder if maybe it would something of a letdown.  Like, life wouldn't be quite as amazing as I remembered it.  Nope, no letdown.  It IS amazing!  I think it's true what others have said, that we all come out of this better than we ever were, because we have this newfound appreciation for all the little miracles of everyday life.

 

I still remember the day I read your first post, so plaintive, so sweet.  Would anybody be willing to talk to you?  Well, of course!  I made up my mind right then that you would be somebody I'd hang onto.  So remember I'm always here for you.  I'm sure I won't be on the board as much, but I am going to stick around until you post your success story for sure.  Deal? 

[[Fi...]]

Terry-- I can't tell you how good it makes me feel to know that what I wrote was encouraging for you.  And it should be, because there is absolutely no reason you aren't going to wind up feeling just as good as I do today.  Maybe sooner than you think.

 

I think one thing about being a writer is not so much having a great vocabulary or something (which I actually don't!).  I think it's about the way we watch ourselves even as we're living our lives.  I think that has made me well suited to document this Shit Show we're going through.  I kept careful charts all the way through.  I think people's perceptions get distorted.  Time slows down ridiculously.  People on here are forever saying they're the worst they've ever been.  This just cannot be true!  It's just how it feels at this minute.  I've come to the conclusion that whatever symptom we have RIGHT NOW is the one that seems the hardest to cope with. 

 

In the end, it really is all about time and just being kind to yourself as you try to wait it out with as much grace as you can manage.

 

Thank you very much for your appreciative post.  I will continue to follow YOUR story!

 

[[Se...]]

Hey, FJ.  Hats off to you, brave woman! 

 

You are a warrior.  We all are...  to still be here, alive, going through the flames of hell, day after day, month after month.

 

Having a terrible day (feels like I'm living on Mars  ), so can't write much.  The flame of hope is very low today, but I know it's still there, like the pilot light through this transformative experience.

 

We all must have faith in our wonderful brains and indomitable spirits.  (At least I tell myself this daily).  Our brains have not survived through millions of years of evolution, only to be stopped by a man-made pill.  We are each so much stronger than that, although at times it is nearly impossible to clearly see this.

 

Best to you and much happiness & peace in your life going forward!

 

Serenity 

[[lo...]]

Hi, FJ.

 

I am so very very pleased for you.  It is always so good to read about buddies who have recovered.

 

I am getting there too.  61 in 2 weeks so maybe by 62 I will be back to full health.

 

I sure hope so.

 

Hugs

 

LF 

[[Fi...]]

Serenity--you are telling yourself exactly the right thing.  Mostly I have just been so desperate to be well again, I did not realize what an added bonus there would be for me----this new found faith in my OWN BRAIN.  So many of us have been brainwashed into thinking there's just something slightly off with our own brains and that we somehow need this chemical "fix."  No wonder so many here are still feeling that surely there must be some medicine out there that will have them feeling better.

 

For me it was finding out that I was teaching my brain to believe I needed just a half a Xanax in the middle of the night to put me back to sleep.  No, as it turns out, I do not.  I sleep straight through the night, every night now, drug-free. 

 

People get sick of hearing it because they want a fast cure, and time is dealt out to us in measured minutes, but time truly is the cure here.  I can't wait to go in for my annual physical and tell my doc that finally I'm well, and  my main  prescription was to stay away from doctors and not take any more drugs. 

 

You will get there, Serenity, and I'll be watching for your success story!

[[Fi...]]

LF-- I don't think there's anyone on this board whose spirit I admire more than yours, and I think a lot people join me in feeling this way.  I long for the day when I check the board and find you have turned a huge corner toward well.

 

Love,

Linda in Oregon

[[An...]]

Angel--it DOES feel like a miracle.  And after all this time, hoping and waiting for it, I had to wonder if maybe it would something of a letdown.  Like, life wouldn't be quite as amazing as I remembered it.  Nope, no letdown.  It IS amazing!  I think it's true what others have said, that we all come out of this better than we ever were, because we have this newfound appreciation for all the little miracles of everyday life.

 

I still remember the day I read your first post, so plaintive, so sweet.  Would anybody be willing to talk to you?  Well, of course!  I made up my mind right then that you would be somebody I'd hang onto.  So remember I'm always here for you.  I'm sure I won't be on the board as much, but I am going to stick around until you post your success story for sure.  Deal? 

 

I'm going to be hopeful and agree: deal!! I sure hope you're right that I'll be able to post my success story!! 

[[Al...]]

What a beautiful touching success story. It's such a great accomplishment to be able to sleep without being dependent upon a drug.

 

I'm wishing you a wonderful happy new life!!!

[Guest [mu...]]

So happy to read this, and I'm really looking forward to your book!

Love

m

[[Ga...]]

🌷your story has really touched me as I knew it would.  Faith is so important during this hellish road we all travel.  But we aren't alone as you now know.  Total strangers here come to your side, to hold you up, to give you hope.  But as far as I am concerned you are  truly courageous and full of stength to keep  going, to keep healing.  You are off the drugs, dear friend, and that's a huge accomplishment.

 

Write your book.  Your brain is healing, is healed in so many ways and time is the true healer so this will only get better.  😍.  Be kind to yourself as you go forward into a bright and wonderful future.💕

You deserve wellness and good health.  Thank You for sharing.

 

Blessings, Galea🎀

[[Fi...]]

Thank you all, for taking the time to post.

 

Fran--you're the kind of person I like to stick close to, because you've got that upbeat energy I'm always hoping will rub off!

 

Mutuuraia--our discovered real life connections have set me up for wanting to stick around until I read your own success story here.

 

Galea--Isn't it great to be well enough to just be able to confidently dispense hope?  When we're doubting ourselves, as everyone in withdrawal does, it's not always possible to be so upbeat.  But now that we can see that even we long-term, stubborn cases do eventually heal, it's easy to feel confident about the healing of those following, right?

 

Your tag--relaxing into the unknowable timeline of our own healing--is so wise, I've used it in my book.  With credit to you, of course!

 

Buddies all, I cannot believe how great it feels to be well.  Hang in there.  It's so worth it!

[[pa...]]

Total truth of this journey for one and all going through this to read.  Your book will be a best seller for sure.  A hell of a journey as you spell out totally.  The best to you always, and you found that door, the "healing door" and flung it open for sure!..  A new life, yes it is!

 

[[Fi...]]

Hey Pattylu--thank you!  I will definitely be putting your tag line into operation:  from every negative comes a positive.  I'm not somebody who believes everything happens for a reason, but I certainly do believe in making the best of whatever does come our way.  As horrible as this whole  thing has been, right now, this minute, I just feel so darned glad and grateful to be well that it does almost seem a good thing this happened.  At any rate, the suffering is in the past and the future looks bright.  I hope the same for everybody here. 

[[ro...]]

Hi, I'm do moved by your post.

I'm 62 and still trying to get stable and taper agsin...

 

Setbacks eith extreme family situations, possible divorce, business loss, aging, sick parent...

Did you just pull back during your recovery..

I have grandson, son, sometimes events I have to be present...

How did you do it?

 

I want yo seclude myself , and get well, but just last wek my mom fell and broke her wrist, ER. Etc...

I was a mess...

 

I've taken them over 14 years, it will be so hard bc I'm older...I was on them a long time..

I'll be 64 or 65 too. I hope.......when I can be well....

 

Thank you. 

All you describe is true.....the sxs, the feelings, thoughts...

Rose

[[Fi...]]

Hey Rosegal--thanks for checking in.  I've been aware of you as somebody about my age struggling along here with me.  You're exactly the sort of person I had in mind in writing my memoir about all this, because I think the stresses and situations I went through during this would sound familiar to a lot of women.

 

I have been most fortunate in not having anything truly tragic happen during this time--just life moving on.  To sum up, in early withdrawal, I didn't realize how sick I was and tried to power through all the work I'd set out for myself which included a lot of physical work of cleaning up and getting some properties ready for the market and then the stress of going through with that.  I thought when I got past all that, I would be well, but my brain had other ideas.

 

When I figured out that my brain was going to heal in it's own time and not on my schedule, I tried to take the stress off of myself by turning into a recluse and simply not putting anything on the calendar.  I did make it to most family holiday events, but I avoided committing to just about everything else.

 

When I was ten months off of Xanax and thinking I was probably just about well, I had to take on the job of helping my elderly mother move out of her house, put it on the market and move into an apartment.  When we got that settled, I took a definite turn for the worse.  It does seem like the stress of that set me back, but I'm not so sure.  I think my brain just wasn't done healing.

 

Some people seem to do better trying to keep up as much of their regular life as possible.  For me it worked better to just take "sick leave."  I realize everybody doesn't have the luxury to do that, but sometimes what people insist they simply MUST do is just their idea of what they must do.  When I pulled back on some final tasks concerning my mom's move (after I crashed again) I found that the world didn't stop.  Other people stepped up.  Sometimes we women are especially prone to trying to be there for everybody all the time, and if we just CAN'T, well, then it turns out we can't, and life goes on for them.

 

I know how you're feeling, I think.  I am so sick of people part of the problem in my family instead of part of the solution!  I want to be strong again and be able to step up for others.  And now that's happening for me.  And it will for you, too.  But it's just a matter of waiting it out, not thinking you can somehow put in an order to the universe, check off a box where you can say that you'd really like to be well by such and such a date.  All  you can do is try to be kind to yourself and go with the flow.

 

Hang in there.  You'll get there, and it will be so worth it to be off the meds.

 

Love,

Linda