More Evidence: We all heal! Ready to live again after 21 months.

[[sp...]]

Congratulations!!!! Amazing how all of sudden it just seems to "happen!" SO glad for you and yes, I'll be reading your book, as well!!!

SC

[[ro...]]

Finally joining,

 

Yes, everything you write,is me exactly..

I have taken them longer , and daily, so I'm worried about this..

I managed , very hard, to get to 3 .25 of valium, but crying all day, could not stop, getting non functional...

Went back to lorazepam. 1 mg. and an AD. To address the severe depression..on week 3 now, I see evidence that it's helping...not crying all day, still cry, but getting better..

My hope is to taper the L when I can feel more able to cope...as I have many responsibilities with my mom..long drives to get her, doctor appts. Her arm, glaucoma, etc......

I'm the oldest and on,y one sis here to help, sometimes. She won't take off work, just got job last year and afraid of layoff. She claims..

But you're right,if I'm sick, she'd have to take some care on..

 

I just feel I'm never getting off this cycle...

Maybe tapering the L will be better than the valium...I'll try..

I get more anxiois if I work outside or have do too much housework...clean closets, was floors...I get jittery..

It's al so distressing. I was so active and did things with no thought..just easy and free..

I miss that the most besides my sleep....

 

My husband is not supportive and in fact we are in the house, but estranged...

It's hard to live this way, but as I posted in my blog, I don't feel I can start a new life now, probably an apt or 1 bedrm  condo. With my dog...

My brain can't grasp legal dealings, selling a big house and all that.. Being alone...pt job.

So, My plan is too take time, let this AD work, feel stronger emotionally , then do what I have to do..

 

You sound so secure and stable...that's what I must hope for. And work towards...

Thank you Linda,

Love

Rose

[[Fi...]]

Hang in there, Rose.  My heart hurts for you with all you've got going on.  This process is incredibly stressful on a marriage.  My feeling is that people should avoid making major life decisions until they're off the drugs and stable.  The damage to our brains has a way of making everything look darker.  I can say this because I was seriously considering leaving my darling husband of 41 years and now, looking back, that seems completely ridiculous!  One of the symptoms of Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome is irritability. Everything drives us nuts.  Think how hard that must be for somebody to try to NOT be setting us off all the time.  Do you have a therapist?  I thought it helped immensely to have somebody just to talk about all this to.

[[ro...]]

FJ63,

Yes I have one . In fact I see her tomorrow..

Once a week.

I too think I should wait if I can, until I'm really coping better, more stable..

 

I appreciate your time talking to me..

And the reassurance..

Hugs. Rose

[[Fi...]]

Good.  So glad to hear you have somebody to talk to.  It's pretty simple really, but so hard to grasp in the thick of it.  When you're sick, you can't cope.  Once you're well, you'll be able to. 

[[...]]

FJ,  I'm so pleased you mentioned the irritability and also the feeling you can't cope when sick. I have been increasingly irritable, mainly with the stiff, painful, stinging muscles in my upper back, shouders and neck. I just feel like it's damaged. I get so irritated, I either want to smash something or I just cry. My poor daughter only has to say, are you ok mum and I whimper and crumble. It's so frustrating at 14 months especially when I read that others symptoms are getting better. Sometimes I am good at accepting, which I do think is key. Right now I want to throw acceptance out with the bath water. Do you mind me asking how you know when you are getting better when you get hit so hard at this stage?

 

bless your kind heart   

[[Fi...]]

marj--for me the knowing I was getting better came in noticing myself having more positive thoughts, better dreams..just a mental spark of optimism about the future even when I still had those physical pains in the back you're describing so well.

 

Also, a lot of times, it would be coming up to a stressful interaction and then NOT flipping out.  I'd think wait....isn't that the sort of thing that would have sent me to the bedroom in tears six months back?  So I  could see this improvement in myself.

 

For these final weeks of healing it's been a process of the bad days slipping away.  I wasn't completely symptom free as far as the physical stuff, but the down times shortened so that I didn't get so discouraged.

 

Everybody's pattern is a bit different, but everybody heals.  Just hang in there.  Have your family members read the part for caregivers in Renewal and Recovery?  My husband found it easier to deal with me when he saw in writing that I was just behaving the way everybody in this situation does!

 

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marj--for me the knowing I was getting better came in noticing myself having more positive thoughts, better dreams..just a mental spark of optimism about the future even when I still had those physical pains in the back you're describing so well.

 

Also, a lot of times, it would be coming up to a stressful interaction and then NOT flipping out.  I'd think wait....isn't that the sort of thing that would have sent me to the bedroom in tears six months back?  So I  could see this improvement in myself.

 

For these final weeks of healing it's been a process of the bad days slipping away.  I wasn't completely symptom free as far as the physical stuff, but the down times shortened so that I didn't get so discouraged.

 

Everybody's pattern is a bit different, but everybody heals.  Just hang in there.  Have your family members read the part for caregivers in Renewal and Recovery?  My husband found it easier to deal with me when he saw in writing that I was just behaving the way everybody in this situation does!

 

 

Thank you for your swift reply. I don't get much support from my family, however they don't dismiss it now one of my brother in laws friends told him and my sister that his own brother went through this and it took him a couple of years. He is a published author (the friend) regarding mental health and I think they were basically disputing my troubles with this to him when he set them straight and I'm so thankful for that. It's my kids that get me through, they have seen me suffer so much and it pains me. They are great kids and it is just me and them. My ex is far too shallow to help even though we do get on. I just want to have fun with them (which I do from time to time) I feel like I've missed 3 years of them; can't make plans, never know what the day will bring, you know the drill.

 

My mum did flick through Recovery and Renewal, she is 80 now and although sems 10 years younger, our family has been through a lot so I don't ask much of her. She just wants me to get better.

 

Your reply has made me think in that I probably am getting better as I don't get as much anxiety, however I am so highly sensitive at times and a wrong word can bring on the tears and make my mood plummet. The physical stuff really gets me down and of course the fatigue.

 

I'm so pleased your husband was understanding and could support you. It must put a massive strain on marriages, most friends just ditch you so to have a partner at home must be challenging.

[[ml...]]

Thank you so much. Everything you describe is so spot on...The feelings, the struggle and the extreme weirdness of benzo WD healing. Its the most bizarre thing I've ever been thru. I can say now though, after 4 1/2 months, that healing is absolutely happening and I now will have a day, where I can't ever imagine I was so ill and so horribly terrified. What these drug do to our thoughts and emotions and the fear centers in our minds, is incredibly hard.  :'(

A bad day will come back here and there and I just went thru a rough couple weeks, but during this time, I was able for the most part to carry on and keep it to myself, which I could have NEVER done a few months ago. NOTHING compared to the acute WD and when the benzo roller coaster takes me for a ride again, I remind myself, THIS WILL pass and a better day is just ahead 

[[Fi...]]

Thanks so much for checking in on my success thread.  I'm so glad you feel I've described the experience accurately.  That's really the only thing that helps, isn't it?  The knowledge that others have survived this weirdness and come out the other side?  You sound like you're  doing really well considering what a relatively short time out you are.  Just keep hanging in there and keeping the faith.  It's horrifying how fast you can lose it when a wave hits, but there's no choice except to hang on until you reach the point where aren't getting slammed like that anymore.  It will come. 

[[he...]]

Just one week ago I posted a message titled "healing happens" about how much better I was feeling and how I was amazed that it could even happen! I wrote it to reassure others (and myself). Now here I am, a near-suicidal mess in agonizing pain and anxiety. Just a few days after my nearly week-long window, everything crashed again, seemingly out of nowhere. The early morning rising (2:30, 4:30, up all hours wide awake but unrefreshed) and morning anxiety--both of which had been gone for months--and the awful twisting burning gut pain that makes me dread every possible horrible illness that "must really be wrong with me" imaginable.

 

I just want to say thank you for this post. It brought tears to my eyes. A friend has asked me to use some creative energy and describe my experience. I'm glad others are already doing so by writing memoirs, etc. because in this state I cannot begin to imagine being creative or expressive. Thank goodness.

 

If someone you love is going through this, try to be patient.  Try to be kind.  Hold that poor soul close. Read some material that helps explain what your loved one is trying to endure.  If the whole thing baffles you, remind yourself how lucky you are that it does. Please forgive them for their inability to adequately convey to you the true horror of their mental state.  When they use the word hell, believe them. If it’s you, my friend, hang on for dear life.Your miraculous brain wants to heal.  It’s trying.  Have faith.  Don’t succumb to the assurance of an immediate but temporary fix of the very drugs that brought you to this point in the first place.  Be strong.  Wait it out.  Live through this and someday—please believe it—you will be well.

 

--spot on. Again, this is inspiring and brought tears to my eyes. Few, if any, in my life understand what's going on. I have relied on one or two beautiful kind souls who believe in my healing. And, of course, the people on here who keep optimistic in the face of gravest suffering.

 

I'm going to read more success stories. I'm going to try to believe that I will heal. I will hang on to "when" and not "if."

 

Big hugs and much gratitude,

HT

[[Fi...]]

Oh, sweetie, I feel so bad for you.  I've completely lost track of the number of times I've gone through what you've described--thinking you're well, getting all excited, only to crash.  What a rip-off, right?  The only good thing I can say about this pattern of healing is that it has got to beat what's going on with the folks who are trying to stay alive under continual, crushing depression without ever getting any windows to give them hope.

 

I really went up and down from the very beginning.  It took a long time before I caught on that I couldn't really count myself well until I stopped falling into the pit.  Sometimes I'd sit in my therapist's office feeling so good that it seemed silly to book another appointment, but I'd always tell her I wanted to be able to go the two or three weeks between appointments without crashing.  And then I'd never make it.  Finally at around 19 months off (and 27 off of Oxycodone) I started to notice a decrease in the bad days.

 

By the end I got better at managing this craziness.  Even when I had a period of feeling good, I worked hard to resist the temptation to declare myself well and start signing up for classes, booking lunches, whatever.  My one consolation when a new wave would hit is that I'd think Yeah, you couldn't fool me!  Didn't trick me into making any plans I have to cancel!

 

The fact that you have windows shows you're brain's going to heal.  It's just going to do it in it's own sweet time, that's all.  What worked for me was just trying to play it like a game, doing fun or useful things when I felt well enough, not beating myself up when I had to rest.

 

I think that first crash out of a window is the hardest.  I've read lots of other stories of people going through that.

 

Just hang in there and someday this will all be behind you.  Wish I could give you a hug.

[[He...]]

Hi FJ!! Congratulations on writing your success story!  I can't wait to read your other success story, your book.    You have inspired me to finally sit down and write mine.  It's a daunting process and I hope it came out correctly....but at least it's finally done.

I'm so glad you are doing good!  Lots of love to you. 

[[Fi...]]

Hey, thanks, HH!  You know, you're the person whose post prompted me to FINALLY sign up and post on the BB board.  Looking forward to reading your story. 

[[Af...]]

FJ63,  can't believe I'm just finding this – Congratulations!

I remember chatting with you in the darkness of February, when your foot was giving you so much trouble. It’s wonderful that the darkness has passed, and the pain with it. I really admire that you’ve always known what you’ve wanted to write. And if you can touch the minds of YA’s the way you certainly do, then reaching us grownups should be a breeze! I’m still struggling to find my voice, but my symptoms are almost gone. This final phase of healing, this reintegration of mind-body-spirit, is a joy for me - and from the beauty of your words, it sounds like it’s been an mind opening experience for you too.

Best love, Aft35

[[Fi...]]

After35 years--thank you!  So glad to hear that you are also in the final stretches.  Yes, it really is thrilling to come back to life again.

 

Did I say I'd always known I wanted to write?  Because that's not really the case.  Growing up, I had much more glamourous ideas in mind. Unfortunately I did not have the talent for those pursuits.  I would really have liked to have been the star of a Broadway musical!  Unforunately, I can't really sing, so.......

 

I'm just finishing up the memoir I've been writing about this horrible experience.  I'm eager to get it out there, because as I read over it, I'm remembering so many scenes that I think my fellow BBs will relate to.  Not so much the specific symptoms, but just the difficulties of trying to get along with people when you're half-crazed!

 

Hope to be reading YOUR success story soon! 

[[no...]]

FinallyJoining is FinallyWell :yippee:

 

This is so great to read! I'm so glad that your brutal fight has been crowned with such a sweet victory!

You have struggled for so long and had so many frustrating and awful setbacks along the way and I'm so glad they now have stopped coming and that you finally can reclaim your life in full!

 

I'm so grateful always for all the kindness, support and care you have shown and continue to show me

[[Fi...]]

Thank you, my friend.  You know I'm sticking around until I read YOUR success story.  Difficult and appalling as my journey was, I honestly feel you are being required to be even stronger and braver than I had to be.  I just pray you will catch a break soon so you'll have some hope that's personal, and not just hearing stories of other people healing.  You are an amazing person. 

[[no...]]

Thank you so very much for those amazingly kind and caring words You're amazing!

Your fight and victory are so inspiring and I bet that your book will be so great. Hopefully, it'll save a lot of people from going through this nightmare!

 

Oh, I forgot to say: I hope there'll be a lot of cowboy dancing! It sounds like a lot of fun even though I have no idea what it is 

[[wh...]]

Hello FinallyJoining,

 

I found this thread after reading that you were worse off at 14 months, since that is my current situation. I've been a little overwhelmed at the moment, and I have been desperately trying to regain some control by thinking there must be more I can do, or there must be something I've done to make things worse. It's so exhausting....

 

Thank you for sharing your inspiring and beautifully written story. Looking forward to reading your memoir, I'll be one of the first in line. You are an excellent writer.

 

So very happy to hear that you are healed. I will refer to your story to give me hope as I just continue through this seemingly endless labyrinth....

 

 

[[Fi...]]

It does seem endless, I know.  I find I want to keep quoting Galea's tag-line, that we have to "relax into the unknowable timeline for our own healing."  We just have to give ourselves permission to not feel that somehow there is more we should be doing to get well.  You're doing a really brave thing to just hang in there, one day at a time, surviving without reinstating.  The goal will be well worth it. 

 

Thank you for your kind words about my writing!

[[wh...]]

Bless you (and thank you again, you have given me another wonderful quote to commit to memory) You are an inspiration to me, truly.

 

Wishing you continued wellness and much joy as you greet each new day feeling whole and healed!

 

All the best,

 

Tracy

[[br...]]

This is an encouraging success story, I have read it many times; thank you.

[[Fi...]]

You are more than welcome, breathedeep.  Hang in there.  I know it's hard to believe in the darkest hours, but it really does get better!

[[wh...]]

I feel blessed right now to have read your post (which I commented on and then forgot about completely) because it is such a beautiful description to share with loved ones. I am struggling right now to cope with the stress of Christmas with brain damage as well as the realization that I have alienated a close family member. I intend to show this post to her, in the hope that she might find it in her heart to forgive my erratic behavior.

 

Thank you again FJ, for this beautiful success story. You have helped so many people here, I'm so grateful to you for your encouragement and beautiful writing.

 

Merry Christmas 

 

PS. It's funny how often someone will comment on a thread that really helps, and then it's in your recent post's.