introduction

[[Pa...]]

I took 3 weeks off following my cold turkey, then returned to work.  I was lucky, I'd been doing the same job for a few years, so I could fake it fairly well.  I'm actually grateful I had to work, I was miserable and it helped to distract me a little.  Or at least it gave me somewhere to go, out of my house.  But I used to count the minutes until I could escape back to my house.  There really is no where you can escape it, is there?

[[sa...]]

Hi All,

 

I really need to hear from people who have experienced multiple fast taper and/or cold turkey withdrawals who have healed or are feeling much better.  I am so terrified of a protracted withdrawal and when I read some posts that reassure others who are doing slow tapers and having a hard time, reassuring them that protracted withdrawal is most likely to occur in people who have done multiple cold turkeys - LIKE ME - I feel like I'm doomed to years of agony to come - especially since I have already lost so many years.

 

My sx are so debilitating that it's a wonder I have not lost my mind or jumped out a window.  I am basically house bound and my sx are mostly tactile -  I feel like my outside and insides are being shredded most of the time. I am weak and tired.  I used to lead a full life - like I'm sure all of you did. My self esteem is in the toilet - it kills me not to be able to work, socialize, exercise, etc.  I'm sorry I'm being so dramatic but this is dramatic.

 

Again, is there hope for me?  I am 48 years old and feel like I'll practically be a senior citizen when I recover. My life has slowly slipped away these past 2 1/2 years and I feel like there is no end to it.

 

Saraann

[[gi...]]

Hello Saraann,

 

I saw your shout.

 

I did a rapid taper - 6 weeks - off 1 mg klonopin after 2 yrs. It was horrible the whole way down, I had a stroke/seizure a month after my last dose, and then stepped into hell for the next 9 months. At one point (months 3-4-5) I averaged 19-24 symptoms a day. If I'd had a gun I would have used it.  I could only wear doc's scrubs because my skin was so sensitive; I had little scabs everywhere anything tight touched, like waistband, bra, top of socks. I even broke the skin on my knees when kneeling in the dirt in my garden.  Overly sensitive taste, smell, sound, eyesight... you name it. 

 

But at month 9 things started to turn around, and by month 12 I'd gotten down to 9 symptoms.

 

It's been 15 months, and I have only 5 symptoms now. I consider this to be fantastic.  I consider myself about 85% healed. I also have cognitive damage which is very hard to deal with, but I'm living my life normally and have learned to accommodate these issues.

 

I don't know if this helps you or not. All I can tell you is that for me, things have gotten significantly better, so I reckon they'll improve for you, too.  From what I've seen people who've reinstated have a tougher time of it the 2nd time around, and of course c/t's are rough.

 

Hang in there -

 

ginger

[[st...]]

we meet again, i finally was approved and now i can post..

[[tr...]]

Hi Sara,

 

I don't know how much you used but I was up to about 20 mg of K or Ativan daily when I was CTed.  They used Phenobarbitol to CT me and said that I would have to stay on it for years.  The Pheno didn't work because they said that to compensate for the benzos, the amount that they would have to give me would have made me incoherent or kill me.  I was then taken off of that and entered into a nightmare that lasted for over a year. In and out of the hospital with such severe symptoms I could not function or cope.  If I had to pick the two worst symptoms at the beginning, it would be the severe, total body skin burning (In the hospital, they made me wear clothes of course, but at home I wore nothing and took cool baths and just let the ceiling fan blow on me)...the other symptom would be the HORRID PANIC; words on paper cannot even describe what I went through.  It was not just anxiety, it was a physical state that my body would get in that had nothing to do with the mind. Believe me, just having anxiety now I can deal with.  This was a whole nother animal and because of it, I was almost committed twice during that year. When things settled down and I could be at home, I suffered from horrible agoraphobia and could not so much as get the mail.  If I wouldn't have had my BF to take care of things and take care of me, I really don't think I would be here today.  After I was totally off the benzos, it took me about 7 months I think to even be able to leave the house.  I thought I would never be normal again.  Well, things did gradually get better and had I not decided to use after that, I am sure that I would be fully healed.  I will always have to deal with the PTSD of what happened, and of course all the shame and loss associated with it. I lost my job, my daughter, most friends, family and I could go on and on about the consequences of my benzo use.  The doctors kept telling me that what was happening to me could not possibly be from the benzos, but deep in my heart I held onto the hope that it was. I also was deemed crazy and am on disability because of benzos. That I am not proud of, but I know I was very fortunate to get it, because I know that  many others on here have tried and been denied.

 

I might add that I was in rehab approximately seven years ago for OxyContin and went through a horrible WD (methadone maintenance was prescribed) but I chose not to go that route because I did not want the stigma associated with it. So I suffered very bad for about two months and it was pretty much over, NOTHING like this, can't even compare but wouldn't choose to do it again.

 

I am almost four months off now and feeling better and better, but this time I am not coming off of a daily intake of 20, only an intermittent, one time dose of about 20 mg of Ativan which I have seemed to do about every couple of months because I am definitely an addict. My WD now is probably similiar to what others have gone through on here (anxiety, nausea, headache, a little agoraphobia maybe, some slight skin burning, lack of appetite, twitches here and there), but I am getting better and better everyday.  I am sure that I never really healed from my year of HELL and I have to take that into consideration as far as my healing goes.

 

I remember what it was like to be in such physical fear (much worse than anxiety I might add), the clock not moving, insomnia, scared of losing everything, never thinking I would be normal again, not being able to do just daily activities of living as simple as brushing my teeth.  OHHHH, do I remember, too well as my pdoc says (and thus the diagnosis of PTSD).

 

If not for finding BenzoBuddies and realizing what the benzos were doing to me, I would still be on that horrible roller coaster I am sure.  I know it is insane thinking but my thinking was that once I was feeling a bit better I could use intermittently and it would be okay, NOT!!  Although I did not find any stories close to mine here, it was good be able to see some correlations and realize that I was not alone and I was going to heal completely if I just stayed away from the benzos. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you WILL get your life back but no time line can be given.

 

I have a feeling you are going to be able to relate to a lot of this. I totally understand that you CANNOT work and are totally incapacitated, I GET it.

 

I am here for you if you need to talk...I hope this helps.

 

Theresa

[[gi...]]

Hi Sara,

 

I don't know how much you used but I was up to about 20 mg of K or Ativan daily when I was CTed.  They used Phenobarbitol to CT me and said that I would have to stay on it for years.  The Pheno didn't work because they said that to compensate for the benzos, the amount that they would have to give me would have made me incoherent or kill me.  I was then taken off of that and entered into a nightmare that lasted for over a year. In and out of the hospital with such severe symptoms I could not function or cope.  If I had to pick the two worst symptoms at the beginning, it would be the severe, total body skin burning (In the hospital, they made me wear clothes of course, but at home I wore nothing and took cool baths and just let the ceiling fan blow on me)...the other symptom would be the HORRID PANIC; words on paper cannot even describe what I went through.  It was not just anxiety, it was a physical state that my body would get in that had nothing to do with the mind. Believe me, just having anxiety now I can deal with.  This was a whole nother animal and because of it, I was almost committed twice during that year. When things settled down and I could be at home, I suffered from horrible agoraphobia and could not so much as get the mail.  If I wouldn't have had my BF to take care of things and take care of me, I really don't think I would be here today.  After I was totally off the benzos, it took me about 7 months I think to even be able to leave the house.  I thought I would never be normal again.  Well, things did gradually get better and had I not decided to use after that, I am sure that I would be fully healed.  I will always have to deal with the PTSD of what happened, and of course all the shame and loss associated with it. I lost my job, my daughter, most friends, family and I could go on and on about the consequences of my benzo use.  The doctors kept telling me that what was happening to me could not possibly be from the benzos, but deep in my heart I held onto the hope that it was. I also was deemed crazy and am on disability because of benzos. That I am not proud of, but I know I was very fortunate to get it, because I know that  many others on here have tried and been denied.

 

I might add that I was in rehab approximately seven years ago for OxyContin and went through a horrible WD (methadone maintenance was prescribed) but I chose not to go that route because I did not want the stigma associated with it. So I suffered very bad for about two months and it was pretty much over, NOTHING like this, can't even compare but wouldn't choose to do it again.

 

I am almost four months off now and feeling better and better, but this time I am not coming off of a daily intake of 20, only an intermittent, one time dose of about 20 mg of Ativan which I have seemed to do about every couple of months because I am definitely an addict. My WD now is probably similiar to what others have gone through on here (anxiety, nausea, headache, a little agoraphobia maybe, some slight skin burning, lack of appetite, twitches here and there), but I am getting better and better everyday.  I am sure that I never really healed from my year of HELL and I have to take that into consideration as far as my healing goes.

 

I remember what it was like to be in such physical fear (much worse than anxiety I might add), the clock not moving, insomnia, scared of losing everything, never thinking I would be normal again, not being able to do just daily activities of living as simple as brushing my teeth.  OHHHH, do I remember, too well as my pdoc says (and thus the diagnosis of PTSD).

 

If not for finding BenzoBuddies and realizing what the benzos were doing to me, I would still be on that horrible roller coaster I am sure.  I know it is insane thinking but my thinking was that once I was feeling a bit better I could use intermittently and it would be okay, NOT!!  Although I did not find any stories close to mine here, it was good be able to see some correlations and realize that I was not alone and I was going to heal completely if I just stayed away from the benzos. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you WILL get your life back but no time line can be given.

 

I have a feeling you are going to be able to relate to a lot of this. I totally understand that you CANNOT work and are totally incapacitated, I GET it.

 

I am here for you if you need to talk...I hope this helps.

 

Theresa

 

Wow, Tree, I never heard your story. Holy cow! I"m glad the drugs are all behind you now! Hang tough.

 

ginger

[[tr...]]

Thanks Ginger,

 

It is hard to tell, words cannot describe it all.  It pretty much over now....just have to work on picking up the pieces.  There is only one way to go and that is forward, going on four months benzo free and healing everyday.

 

Tree

[[gi...]]

Yeah, it's 15 months for me and I'm still healing too, although lately I feel like I've stalled. At least I haven't back slid! 

[[sa...]]

Hi All,

 

I'm having a hard time today.  I had to have my cat of 18 years put to sleep today.  She was such a good cat, more like a dog - extremely affectionate with a sweet disposition.  She had been sick for the past few weeks, losing weight and wasting away.  She had been hanging in there - she started to have a hard time eating so I switched her to canned food, but the past few days she barely could eat and last night when I gave her a treat she tried to chew it and she started to bleed from her mouth. The vet said she had cancer under her tongue - nothing could be done for her.  It was heart wrenching.  I suppose she could have gone on for another week but it wouldn't have been fair to her. This morning my husband took her to animal rescue to put her down.  He said she was good a good girl and didn't even need to be sedated, like she almost knew.

 

Luckily I have many pictures of her.  She brought me so much joy.  I was just upstairs and I could have sworn I heard her sweet kitty voice in a soft "meow".  I'm am so sad.  She was my my companion - all she ever wanted was my love and affection.  She was what I used to call her "my baby cat".  I will miss her for the rest of my life.  Rest in Peace Daisy Mae - I love you always and forever.

 

Saraann

[[tr...]]

Sara,

 

My heart goes out to you.  I can't even imagine losing my sweet Punky.  He has been with me through all of this and like you say is just like a dog.  I have had a few cats in my life and the good ones are hard to find. I know this is a lot on top of your withdrawal, but life goes on no matter if we are in WD or not sorry to say.  I sent you back a PM yesterday and am willing to support you in any way I can. If I am here and you want to chat, let me know.

 

Tree

[[gi...]]

Oh, Sarann, I'm so sorry!

 

I know what you're going through. I had to put my soul mate, Sampson, down 6 months ago. I'm still positively devastated. He was my sole companion for the last couple of years, and the only being there for me during my 2009 w/d ordeal.  My heart goes out to you.  You did the right thing.  Sam had lymphoma, and it came on suddenly. We were so freaked out that we jumped at the idea of chemo, and put him through it for 2 months. It helped all of us come to terms with his leaving (Sam included; he did not want to go), and gave us some good times before he went.  But it's so hard, so very hard.

 

There's a thread here - Pets ribute Page Past & Present (something to that effect). Please look for it, and post your pictures and stories about him there. Many of us feel your pain and I know I'm not the only one who would love to share in your love for Punky.  You'll find pics of my Sam there as well - as well as my new kitties, who I brought home on Christmas. 

 

Peace to you, my friend. It's never a good time to lose someone so dear, but to have to go through it when you're dealing with w/d... well like I said, I know how you're feeling.

 

 

ginger

 

 

[[sa...]]

Thank you Tree and thank you Ginger,

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your beloved Sam Ginger. Thank you for sharing your story with me.  Pets become part of your family, almost like children.  They are innocent and sweet and look for you only to love them.  I will check out the  pet tribute page you suggested but unfortunately none of my pictures of Daisy are digital.  I can find some solace knowing that I gave her a good home - she was a shelter cat, about 12 weeks old when she was adopted.  I remember she was in a cage with her litter mates and she just stood there, very proud and dignified looking.  I picked he up and she immediately started to lick me - so sweet right from the start.

 

Luckily I have 2 other cats, one of whom is very Daisy like, always by my side or in my lap.

 

Thank you again,

 

Saraann 

[[Pa...]]

Oh Saraann, I'm so sorry.  This brings back so many memories of Gingers cat Sampson, I'm crying just remembering all of the wonderful animals we've had goodbye to on the forum since I've been here.

 

I have a 16 and a 13 year old cat, so your story is very hard for me to hear, but I can feel the love you have for all of your family.

 

Please accept my heartfelt condolances for your loss.

 

Pam

[[gi...]]

Sarann,

 

If you can ever scan the pics that'd be great for the tribute page but stories are wonderful too. There are some great ones there. Sorry I mixed up Daisy's name with Tree's pet's.  Do yourself a favor and never read my blog entries from July-October!!  Poor Pam, I damn near killed her.

 

I'd never lived without an animal and whenever one's died there's always been someone else around to help soften the blow. Sam was my only pet for the last 2 years. The 3 months from the time he died to the time I got my new cats were the most lonely months of my life! I don't know how people can live without animals.

 

Daisy and Sam are sizing each other up right now, trying to outdo each others World's Best Mom stories.

 

g

 

[[tr...]]

Lucy Mae to cheer you up~~

 

http://i892.photobucket.com/albums/ac123/treehealy/P1010270.jpg

 

Looking forward to Part 3 of your story....on the edge...you should write a book my dear, LOL.

 

[[sa...]]

Tree,

 

this is your pooch?  Adorable!  What breed is she??  A Terrier?  I've never owned a dog, maybe some day.

 

 

[[tr...]]

Yes she is mine.  She is a Yorky and so mischievous.  She is going on 3 years.  Punky my cat...he is going to be 7.  They have gotten me through so much even though at one point I couldn't even take care of them.  Such unconditional love...a life saver. I know you are suffering and you are in my thoughts.

[[sa...]]

Thanks Tree - pets are a life saver. 

 

I've been thinking about Daisy off and on during the day, trying not to dwell. I went to the pet tribute page but it was too much, the Rainbow Bridge poem had me balling my eyes out, I don't need that.

 

I want to make a comment on exercise.  The biggest mistake I made during the Fall and Winter of last year was to stop exercising.  I have always been a bit fanatical about my exercise over the years but I swear it helps recovery.  After being hugely active even after a c/t and during a taper last year I stopped early in the Fall and I'm paying the price now.  I have lost so much muscle and muscle equals strength and energy.  Exercise for me also always helped to calm me down and help me sleep better.

 

Now that I'm trying to walk again it's very difficult.  I am going to continue to try to walk every other day and let everyone know about my progress, whether I notice sx reduction or better sleep. 

 

I'll get off my Soap Box now.... 

 

Saraann

[[tr...]]

Sara,

 

I too have been kind of an exercise fanatic all my life, maybe to an excess, and always kept myself in good shape.  We have that in common. I used to run 5K and 10K all the time, even on benzos, up until about four years ago when tolerance set in. I can hardly walk a couple of blocks now and all my muscle tone is gone.  Fiance' says I still look good but I think he is just trying to be nice. So I hear ya, and I am trying to go for short walks now, baby steps I guess. I'm trying to do the healthy eating thing too, protein powder, vitamins, etc. I feel like I have aged so much and it really bothers me.

 

Keep it up my friend...I am trudging through along with you.

 

Theresa

[[Pa...]]

Hi Saraann,

 

I'm really glad to see you exercising, you're right; it's incredibly important.  We lose much more than time when we let this process take our lives apart one piece at a time.  Your body needs the right fuel and the right exercise to heal, good for you! 

 

Pam

[[sa...]]

It's a beautiful day here but I'm just out of poop today.  I probably over did it with my walk which I tend to do when I exercise but my MP3 was cranking out good tunes and I just kept strutting along to some Old Beatles songs. 

 

I'm really upset that i keep gaining weight.  None of my summer clothes fit and I don't know what I'm going to do.  I can't even imagine going to the mall to shop. I've never felt so unattractive in all of my life.  Oh course my husband says I'm beautiful but I'm a far cry from that woman who used to shower and blow dry her hair every day, put make up one and a really nice outfit or clingy jeans and a smart top.  I loved clothes and shoes and accessories.  I have some beautiful jewelery that I' can't even wear any more because I can't stand the touch of it on m skin.  Oh well.

 

Sorry to be writing so down today but it's so hard to wait and wait to get better - sometimes I think my GABA receptors are fried beyond repair....

 

Saraann

[[Be...]]

Hi Saraann,

 

Try not to upset yourself over a little weight gain.  You are walking again now which is fantastic and that will soon start to help with any unwanted pounds you may have gained.  I've started walking every other day now too and it really does help, so just keep up the good work and you will get the results.  It's early days yet, so try not to beat yourself up...it doesn't help, hun.

 

I know what you mean about not being bothered about clothes, hair and jewelery anymore...I feel the same way    But we will get back to the way we once were and we will appreciate it even more than we ever did.  Believe your husband when he says that you are beautiful...it's true!  It is only our distorted and untrue image of ourselves that makes us feel down about ourselves...other people don't see this, only us, so try not to feed into the negative thoughts...it's just w/d and our frazzled minds trying to fool us.  You are doing all the right things to heal so try to be gentle on yourself and one day soon you will be back living your life the way you want to.  Your gaba receptors WILL heal....believe and trust in that.

 

You are doing a great job so try to focus on all the postive and dismiss the negative 

[[sa...]]

Thank you Bevoir,

 

I've never been a patient person.  I mean I could work through goals in my life but when it came to exercise, weight loss, learning something new I always put more pressure on myself than average. I am so tired of feeling like an alien, yes, I describe myself as an ALIEN in a body and brain with senses, perceptions and thoughts that do not even feel in the human realm.  I so want to participate in life again and the thought of going through this for another 9 months or a year seems like and eternity to me.

 

I know all these horrible sx are supposed to be a sign that I'm healing but it's so hard to equate feeling so sick every day with getting better.  All our lives when we are sick with various colds, flu and other more serious conditions we gauge our healing by the way we feel,  "my temperature is down, I stopped sneezing, my knee is less swollen", but there is no feeling of health in this process, no way to really know for sure one is getting better except to have faith.  Faith is also not my strong suit.  I appreciate everbody's encouragement and your stories of healing but I can't help but wonder when will my time come?  I know there is no answer to this question and I know we shouldn't focus on this but like so many of us here we still ask the question. 

 

Again,  I do appreciate everyone's encouragement and I look forward hearing from others - you all are becoming my much needed allies and friends during the fight of my life and I have warm feelings for you all.

 

Saraann

[[Be...]]

Hi Saraann,

 

I've never been a patient person either so I totally understand your frustration.  I completely sympathize with how you are feeling because I have been struggling with that of late...but I have realized during my time here at BB that those kinds of negative (yet highly normal) thoughts only make this process even harder to deal with.  As I'm slowly learning to accept that this is the way it has to be for now, things are getting a little easier.  There are still moments when I get frustrated, upset and cry over this situation I now find myself in but acceptance is the key, and time. I know it sucks to hear that...it sucks for me too, but it's the only thing we know will heal us.  And, as my hubby said last night, what's a few months (or longer) compared to the next 40, 50, or 60 years of your life?  That helped me put things into perspective a little bit...

 

Have you checked out the "A"ccentuate the positive board?  It helped me yesterday when I was feeling utterly fed up with it all.

 

I know it's hard but you WILL make it though this.

[[gi...]]

Hi Saraann,

 

I hope the day finds you well.

 

I bet when you get back up to exercising full-on again you'll shed those pounds.  

 

I've been a gym rat for 25 years, working out on average 5-6 days a week all this time. During the worst of my w/d I still made it to the gym at least 3x week even though I could barely do anything. Unfortunately I didn't know about burning extra protein during w/d, wasn't eating right and didn't think I had to worry about the loss of muscle mass that can occur during w/d because I worked out so much.

 

Well, I lost it ALL, and half my fat. It's been a year, and my thigh skin still hangs down over my knees, my calves jiggle when I walk, I have a "tummy flap" and "wings" that go from my elbows to the bottom outside of my armpits.  I've gained 10 of the 12 pounds I lost but it's all fat.  I wasn't some sculpted thing before but nothing drooped, hung or flapped. But I can't work out like I used to; it makes me sting and I struggle at 50% of the weight I could do 6 months ago. It seems if I miss 4 days in a row it takes me a week to get back to where I was. Now that I'm sidelined with knee rehab, everything is deteriorating.  I've been to the gym twice in the last week and even 25 crunches are agonizing; 3 weeks ago I could do 200 without breaking a sweat, just  like I've done every-other day for 25 years. Now it's all I can do to support myself on my crutches, my fatigue and pain are so high.

 

This aspect of my PWS is devastating to me.  It's the worst part of all if it, even worse than the constant screaming tinnitus and burning back. All I can tell you is, fight. Try to maintain your current level of activity. Don't give up!

 

I had a sensitivity to touch for a while and even got rashes where my clothes were tight. My skin actually broke & bled when I kneeled in the garden to mulch!  I was scared for a month or so but it stopped, and I'm back to wearing whatever I want (even though the stuff is just shapeless and hangs on me now that I don't have a figure).  So don't worry, it'll die down for you too. Your receptors are just coming back to life and are relearning how to regulate things.

 

I hope you got out to walk today!  You know, if you find yourself just too fatigued to do so, you could always do non-impact core work or chi gong, or high-rep stretching in your house. Maybe that would help.

 

I second what Bev said, too.  As much as I hate where I am right now, acceptance is the only thing that's getting me through!

 

take care,

 

ginger