introduction

[[sa...]]

Hi All,

 

I am a 48 year old woman who has taken various types of benzos at accelerating doses off and on for the past 7 years - so many years and so many forms I can't quite remember.  Benzo's were prescribed to me for chronic anxiety with depression - obviously they eventually stopped working and medication was prescribed in increasing amounts over the years.

 

My last event with benzos was a about a year and a half ago.  I had been off of then for 9 months, (cold turkey) when I felt I could no longer tolerate w/d sx. With the advise of friends and family I sought another doctor to prescribe Valium to me (I had read the Ashton Manual a this point).  However my reinstatement was a nightmare - it worked for a few months but then sx started to develop (w/d tolerance).  I went from taking 55 mgs. of Valium day tapering to 35 when I was hospitalized for a medical problem and the doctors decided I was taking too much Valium and cut my dose to 15 Mg's..  I lost my health insurance and had to yet again find another doctor, this one decided I had to go to detox and get off of Valium entirely.  I went, it was a nightmare and because the center did not accommodate benzo detoxes I was sent home with a 4 week taper and I have been off Valium for about 5 weeks.

 

If I thought I had bad withdrawal sx before they are 100 times increased this time around - mainly sensory with extreme muscle and nerve pain (horrible hots pins and needles and burning sensations), acute sensitivity (sp) to light, touch, sound, and smell, along with anxiety and insomnia and gastric sx.  I have too many sx to describe here.

 

I've decided to try to join your forum because I need support from others who can relate to what I'm going through and need their wisdom and reassurance that this will pass.  I also feel I can contribute by sharing my experiences with others in what I can only describe as the hardest battle I have ever fought in my life.

 

 

[[...]]

Hi Saraann,

 

Welcome to benzo buddies.  First off, congrats on being off the benzos.  It sounds like you had a very rough road to get to this point, but you made it.  This forum has many people in various stages of w/d and recovery.  We have a few people that have done quick taper or went cold turkey and many of them have completly healed.  It took some time, but they healed. 

 

Hopefully, some of them will be by to let you know about their experiences.  I believe that time is something that is truely the real "healer" during this process.  You have made it to this point and that is huge, things should only get better in the future.

 

TC

[[Pa...]]

Hello saraann, Welcome to BenzoBuddies,

 

You've come to the right place, I can relate to absolutely everything you've described.  From the horrors of a detox facility to the pain of a cold turkey.  I'm so sorry you're suffering as you are, I hope coming here will help you cope.  

 

You're among friends, we'll support you as best we can while you heal.  It was the worst pain I've ever endured, I understand what and how you're feeling.  

 

Pam

[[...]]

 

That was almost like magic having Pam appear that quickly.

 

Pamster is a very valuable resource...she has fully recovered from her c/t detox experience....and has been a very positive force here on BB for quite some time...

 

I have never experienced a detox or a very rapid taper...but I know that even with tapering this stuff slowly...it is truely a bad experience...it is also the worst experience I have ever had too....

 

As Pam said, you are among friends here...and I think you will find most of us can relate to what you are going through....and hopefully, we can help you during this part of your journey..

 

TC

[[sa...]]

Thank both of you for responding and welcoming me  "".  It's amazing to me that both the general and medical community have been clueless about benzo withdrawal.  I have been to shrinks, doctors, pain specialist, and neurologists and no one believes that all of my sx could be caused by withdrawal - the standard party line is "I've never heard of withdrawal taking more than a few weeks".  I even start to doubt myself and start looking up diseases and vitamin deficiencies some of which mimic some of my sx, but not all of them.

 

I've been out of work for 3 years (I was a MH professional working at a community center) and I miss it so.  I miss everything - I can't wear normal clothes, (I loved dressing for work or occasions) only super soft sweats and T's.  I don't get my hair done anymore - sitting at the stylist for hours would be too painful.  I don't even wash/style my hair like I used to or wear makeup, (my skin is doing all sorts or weird things and the chemicals are too harsh).  I can't even cuddle, hug or be touched by my fiance anymore like a normal person because it's just too painful  "" . I putter a bit around the house pathetically.  I used to exercise, ski, clean my house like a banshee!  I feel like an alien sometimes - the sensory stuff is so unfamiliar - I try to describe it but words don't do it justice - like drying myself off after a shower feels like I'm rubbing sandpaper over my skin instead of a bath towel.  This process has robbed me (all of us) or our humanity to some degree.

 

Here's a question.  My sx seem to accelerate over the course of a day.  I am very stiff and sore and weak when I wake up but my neurological sx aren't as intense.  As they day wears - and especially after eating, my sx sky rocket.  After I eat dinner it's totally unbearable and I have run and get out of my "day" sweats, change into my sleeping clothes and then lie down and try to remain very still while my nervous system seems to calm down.  Has anyone ever heard of any of what I described?

 

Again, thanks for letting me join the community - I really need the support.

 

Sara  ""

[[Gm...]]

hi saraan! Welcome to BB

 

A lot of people say certain foods, vitamins and supplements flare up  there symptoms ex : Coffee is a no no for some.

 

Maybe it is something your eating that makes the day get worse? Also, keep in mind WD symptoms are not known to be a linear thing. Its more like a up and down roller coaster, with many turns....

 

Gman

[[gi...]]

Hi Sara,

Glad to hear that you are off of benzo's but sorry to hear of the ordeal that you went thru to do so.  Symptoms really do wax and wane in intensity and sometimes I have none at all and sometimes the ones I have go away for good and sometimes others take their place. Please know that what you are going thru is common to withdrawl and that they will go away.  I used to research all of my symptoms when I got them as they freaked me out.  I am sure I had myself dead and buried several times.  lol  I found this was useless and just made me scared which only intensified my symptoms.  I now look at my withdrawl symptoms list and it is generally on there and I just ride out the storm.  Please be encouraged that all of this is temporary and will go away.  Hugs Ginia

[[sa...]]

I can't make heads or tails about what I eat affecting my sx.  I try organic, I try no sugar, no msg.  No matter what I eat my sx take a daily course - bad, worse, worser, horrible, intolerable.  I don't take vitamins, gave up coffee, soda, and  cigarettes 6 months ago because they did make me more anxious and intensify sx. 

 

At this point my sx do not wax and wane over the course of the day, they just get worse.  I know it's very early into withdrawal and logically I know I don't have some dreaded disease.  I know it's all about coping but sometimes the logic dissolves and emotions get the best of me.  I've been going through this for so long (with previous reinstatement and prior withdrawals) and am so very tired of it.  I get so angry I just scream sometimes!    This sends my cats running...  I definitely have "benzo rage" at times. I just need to vent.  Sorry.

 

Laura

 

 

 

 

[[Gm...]]

oooh, benzo rage 

 

I never had that, but know of a few that have...... I hope they took my advice and bought paper plates for the kitchen..

 

If you need to vent, feel free to vent here....If your emotions are getting the best of you, do not hesitate to lean on us. That's why we are here...

[[Te...]]

Hi Saraann

 

 

Sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. But its great that you are done with benzos! I also get increased symptoms towards the end of the day. Some times I just want to get under the

covers of my bed & hide. Laying down and deep breathing helps me to calm down. Some times a hot shower or bath gives me a temporary break from the inner trembling.

 

Hope you get a good nights sleep and feel sooomuch better tomorrow!

 

Teakettle

[[sa...]]

Thanks for the advice Teakettle and oops I forgot your name.  Benzo rage, me?  Let me put it this way - when my fiance snores really loud at night sometimes my mind well... wanders... Think the opening scene of Goodfellas, or something somebody might do in the Sopranos.... .  Just a thought, it passes - please don't call the police! 

 

OK, more dignified, I'm watching the Olympic men's skating, Beethoven's 5th is playing...

 

Laura 

[[Pa...]]

Hello Laura,

 

My heart goes out to you.  When you describe what you're feeling it brings it all back to me.  You're so right, this process dehumanizes us in ways no one can imagine, but you've pointed them out so perfectly.  The worst part of this whole thing for me was the loss of self and the fear.  I lost who I was, I no longer recognized myself, felt uncomfortable in my own skin.  The unreasoning fear was with me every minute of every day, I was afraid of everything and nothing because I couldn't define it.

 

I'm so sorry you're living this, but this is what you have to endure to make it through this.  I know you know this, you've been here before, it's the only way out.  You sound good though, even in your pain.  You've educated yourself, and you're dealing with this as best you can.  It's not our finest hour, don't be too hard on yourself if there are times when your grace deserts you.  This is a damn hard thing to live through, but you will.  I made it, and you will too.  I feel good about you, about your strength.  Keep coming back.

 

Pam

[[sa...]]

Hi whoever is out there,

 

Sorry I haven't posted here for so long and here I am all needy, but I've become increasingly more terrified... After joining the forum and describing all the horrors of withdrawal, and now almost 3 months off of Valium, the withdrawals are getting worse and worse.

 

I started to leave the house and go out about 6 or so weeks ago after not setting foot outside for months.  I was forcing myself to do things despite body pain and uncomfortable neuropathy.  I would only last a couple of hours out but one day I got my hair done, and I started going to the grocery store and cooking nice dinners, got my nails done etc.  However, during the past 2 weeks my sx have escalated to beyond belief - before, the neuropathy would creep up during the day - now I have it all waking hours as it gets worse as the day goes on.  My anxiety is through the roof - heart palpitating a lot, many more unpleasant intrusive thoughts, and my sleep has gotten much worse.  My stomach is bloated beyond belief and I've gained weight (I'm hungry all the time, probably due to increased cortisol levels from this constant state of stress).  It's getting warm here and none of my summer clothes fit - last summer I could wear a bikini and was walking 4-5 miles a day most days of the week and now I'm at least 2 sizes up from weight gain and muscle loss.

 

Can this really be benzo withdrawal??  I know it must be but it feels like my inside and outside are going through a meat shredder and I wonder how much more can this middle aged body and mind take?  I read other peoples posts and so many are able to function (or so it seems) I feel like I am going through the worst withdrawal ever recorded - sorry to sound narcissistic -  I know so many of you are suffering too.

 

I am going to start checking in here again as I need the support.  I'm so used to helping other people I hate this role reversal.

 

Thank you,

 

Saraann

 

[[...]]

 

Hi,

 

It is good to see you back, I wish it were under better circumstances.  The quick detox was better than a cold turkey, but you came off a pretty good amount of valium in a rather quick fashion.  I can not say for sure, but based on what you have said it is quite probable that this is withdrawal. Things should get better in time.....

 

I see you are also on some other medication, is it possible that it could be anything caused by these medications? 

 

If it is truely benzo withdrawal, time is the true healer...I know you probably don't like hearing that...none of us do...but I have seen that it is certainly the case for most folks that come through benzobuddies...

 

Hang in there....I wish you continued healing..

 

TC

[[sa...]]

Thanks TC,

 

I know time is the true healer but last year I was doing so much and now I'm weak and tired and you know, what I described.

 

As far as the Trazodone, I've been on it for almost 20 years.  I was originally put on 1200 mgs. of Neurontin a bit over 2 years ago after a hospitalization and have cut down to 300 mgs. as of 1 1/2 years ago.  I'm so afraid to mess with any of my meds at this point.  I keep hoping the next day will be better but it isn't.

 

There are stressful mitigating factors... close family member dying, cat of 18 years dying, stressful family dynamics, etc.  Horrible nightmares too.

 

Thanks again,

 

Saraann

[[sa...]]

I'm shaking so much I can hardly type - my heart is pounding out of my chest, I feel so weak.  My nerve pain is so bad I can't stand the feel of clothes on my skin.  How much more can I take?  It feels like I'm going to die.  What the hell is going on?

 

Saraann

[[Re...]]

Hey saraann,

 

 

    Welcome back.  I understand your pain.  At 3 months out, you still have lots of healing to do.  As TC said, time is the healer.  I know that does not say much when symptoms are so intense that you feel as if you are going to die, and that you can't take another minute of it; but you can make it through this.  Others have been where you are, and still others have endured and are now completely healed.  I have experienced every symptom that you have described, and much more.  Most days I felt that I could not go through this another day, but I did, and as a new day came, I felt more in control and more confident that I will beat this. 

 

    At 8 months benzo free, I am here to reassure you that it does get better, and if you persevere through this, you will completely heal.

 

    Stay the course. 

 

[[...]]

Hi Saraann:

 

Welcome to BB.  I too, find that my symptoms get worse as the day goes on, except for the anxiety which is a morning thing.  I attribute it to getting tired but I don't actually know that this is the case.  When it gets too bad, usually about 4:00 pm,  I deal with it by lying flat on my back on the floor and listening to a talking book.  With luck I drop off to sleep for half an hr or so.  If that doesn't happen, I am at least distracted from the the discomfort for a while.

 

ntw

[[ro...]]

welcome saraann,

    I did a rapid withdrawl from neurotin at a very high dose 800 mgs 4 times a day.I didn't understand I was in withdrawl and was very ill for months. Then put on xanax as a cure for that. I am now tapering off of xanax. I would say on the plus side you are off of the benzo. All you can do now is slowly get better.

    It will take a while maybe but you are getting a little better everyday. I think everyone has a bad time of day and its different for each person. I think its great you are off and now can heal.

  With the neurotin I felt like the nerves would just go through the roof and some days I would have to pace for up to 5 or 6 hours non stop just to stay sane. I couldn't eat sleep or function for a long time. It took about seven months but I did get better from that and you will too. I was given the neurotin for an accident I was in causing spinal cord damage. It was helping me quite a bit at the lower dose and not sure why they keep increasing it. I was head injured at the time so didn't think to question it.

  Neurotin is gabapentin and it is a benzo type drup and may be making things worse. Are your symptoms better or worse after your dose of that ?

   

[[sa...]]

Thanks for the support.  I get so frustrated because I've been dealing with this for over three years.  I don't know if I mentioned it but I went c/t for 9 months over 2 years ago and made the huge mistake of reinstating.  I thought my sx were bad at 9 months off and I would trade them in a heartbeat - including my house and all of my earthly possessions if I could go back to the way I felt then.  I don't mean to give advise but as much hell as this is, if anybody is thinking of reinstating after they've been off for a long time I would say HELL NO!!!!  Again, this is just my experience and opinion.

 

My biggest fear is that I have done permanent damage to my brain and body.  I can't live like this for the rest of my life.  I would kill for a small window but I know it's still so early.

 

I did go out for a walk today - it's been so long since I got any exercise and I only lasted 20 minutes. Last spring I was walking almost a hour and a half.  Exercise has been such a part of my life - walking, biking, swimming, skiing, hiking....  I hate being so out of shape 

 

Oh well, I hope everyone else is having a better day than I am.  If anyone has a similar story to mine as far as being on an off of benzos with multiple withdrawals and is no healed I would love to hear from them.

 

Thank you,

 

Saraann

[[...]]

Dear Saraann

 

It's good you are here.  You can help spread the word about what a bad idea reinstating is.  So many folks suffer so much during and after withdrawing that they forget how much they suffered while they were on these awful drugs.  The more people who say of their own experience what a bad idea it is, the better chance of warning people before they start back.

 

ntw

[[Pa...]]

I was just reading your post about how your skin feels, I'd forgotten that part.  This process changed how I dressed for work.  I used to wear heals, hose, skirts and contacts in my eyes.  During it I had to start wearing glasses, could only wear loose fitting pants and flat shoes.  I could no longer wear sandals as my feet were so sensitive I couldn't go without shoes in the summer.  My goodness, what a total life changing process this is. 

 

I'm so sorry you're suffering so....

 

Pam

[[sa...]]

My skin is so sensitive I can't tolerate "regular" clothes for very long - only a couple of hours and it's very unpleasant.  I wear even my softest clothes and at times they feel like they are scratching me like wires!

[[Pa...]]

Yep, I remember that!  I couldn't stand cold either, I had to put a blanket on my couch, it felt cold to my skin, my chair at work had vents in in, had to put a blanket on that too.  Is there any part of our body that isn't affected by this nightmare?

[[sa...]]

No I don't think there isn't a part of the body affected.  I'm surprised that you were able to work though your withdrawal?  There is no way I could work now.