12-18 month support

[[Gr...]]

Hey Nova,

sorry to hear it's turned difficult for you again. Ive had a continuous cycle of mainly depression but lots of other new and old stuff chiming in. I was sleeping fairly well for weeks 5-7 hrs and lately every two nights I get amped up and can't sleep but 2-3hours making the next morn and day a nightmare.

 

I haven't had a true window (2.5 days)since sept. I get tolerable and fair hours ocationaly but less than before.

 

Yup dealing with this day after day week after week etc..  Not knowing the end date makes the process unbearable. Hope things calm down for you.

 

Hey, Jrod.

 

When I started this thread, I naively thought we'd all be talking about re-entry stuff, I was all excited about the first year being up, and now look, lol!  We're all having a tough time.  I never dreamed we'd all be getting hit like this.  I'm still shocked. I'll settle down.  And the depression, it's weird, I know it's that chemical depression from the benzos, not kill-myself depression.  But it's bad, especially added to the fatigue and no sleep.

 

It seems when I sleep I'm a lot better.  You?

 

We're all going to get some breaks soon.

[[No...]]

Hi Peace ... seems we have a little Friday night yukkies going on ...

 

Haven't hung around the board like this in a while ... I will eventually run out of steam and hopefully get some sleep for a while ...

 

[[Gr...]]

Green ... just hanging out tonight for a while ... listening to an audiobook ... the tv made me dizzy trying to watch it ... and the jigsaw puzzle was out of focus ...

 

Guess I have the full monty tonight ... not crazy-making ... just damn irritating ...

 

Been having muscle spasms and jolts all day ... mostly in the back and neck and arms ... I guess that is pretty much all over ... funny, though, no anxiety ...

 

Just trying to stay centered and not fall into the deep end ...

 

Yup, that's what I'm trying to do.  It's hard.  Hang in there. 

 

I was thinking of Coop and how irrepressibly positive she is.  I miss her.  I hope she's in the biggest window!  I hope she's in a window the size of Macy's window on 34th St.!  I do miss her, though.

Have a good night.

 

[[No...]]

Green ... hope you get a good sleep ...

 

[[Gr...]]

I'm here to join the party with vibrating, eye twitching, lower back pain and some low key paranoid thinking which is clearly a relative to my regular anxiety. Damn!

 

But like you all, I know the drill and I'm grateful not be battling a deep depression on top of it all. Fingers crossed.

 

With you all,

Peace2

 

Peace,

You sure are a wordsmith when it comes to describing symptoms.  Welcome to this sad, rag tag Friday night 

[[No...]]

Starting to nod off ... gonna' try and get some sleep ...

 

[[Fi...]]

MRSALW!  I just got my first disk of Gilmore Girls today!  I need the perfect thing to stop myself from thinking too much.  I first saw a recommendation for How I Met Your Mother on this board and then my daughter recommended it too.  That was so perfect and many times I watched two or three episodes in the middle of the night.  Now my daughter has recommended GG so it's interesting to see it mentioned here, too. 

 

Greenice, I'm pretty sure what's going on with me now is more about the benzos than the opiods.  In another thread, somebody was telling me I couldn't possibly be having sxs from opioids 23 months after going off of them, but I'm not so sure that's true. But  the weirdness of my current sxs and this business of having a horrible wave at 14 months seem like just what's going on with all of you.

 

Sorry this thread didn't turn out as upbeat as you'd hoped, but the fact that it didn't means it's all the more important that you started it.  I know it's helping me feel more patient and grounded to know that other people are having a hard time too but that we will all heal. 

 

The way you describe your fatigue is dead on.  I'm there with you!

[[Gr...]]

MRSALW!  I just got my first disk of Gilmore Girls today!  I need the perfect thing to stop myself from thinking too much.  I first saw a recommendation for How I Met Your Mother on this board and then my daughter recommended it too.  That was so perfect and many times I watched two or three episodes in the middle of the night.  Now my daughter has recommended GG so it's interesting to see it mentioned here, too. 

 

Greenice, I'm pretty sure what's going on with me now is more about the benzos than the opiods.  In another thread, somebody was telling me I couldn't possibly be having sxs from opioids 23 months after going off of them, but I'm not so sure that's true. But  the weirdness of my current sxs and this business of having a horrible wave at 14 months seem like just what's going on with all of you.

 

Sorry this thread didn't turn out as upbeat as you'd hoped, but the fact that it didn't means it's all the more important that you started it.  I know it's helping me feel more patient and grounded to know that other people are having a hard time too but that we will all heal. 

 

The way you describe your fatigue is dead on.  I'm there with you!

 

Opioid w/d sx can go on for quite a long time.  But that's generally very heavy long term users, or heroin users.  But the BZD is the most brutal of all withdrawals.  So it's probably the Xanax you're dealing with.

 

Just wondering.  I hang out on addiction and recovery sites sometimes, lol, at least they seem to know what's going on.  I read on one that that waves are something like "moon" cycles, 30 60 90, 120, 180, 1 year.  I agreed, I thought my waves tended to start around the same time of the month.  So I was just wondering, does it seem like the second year is a milder version of the first?  I'm dealing with stuff I haven't dealt with in a while, insomnia, panic attacks, revving, the muscle pain, fatigue.  And it seems like ppl feel crappy from months 12-15, 16.  I was wondering, are we doing the first three months over again, but way milder?

 

Boy, I'm really grasping, trying to get control of this.

 

Glad you jumped on.  It's much nicer doing this with friends.

[[mr...]]

MRSALW!  I just got my first disk of Gilmore Girls today!  I need the perfect thing to stop myself from thinking too much.  I first saw a recommendation for How I Met Your Mother on this board and then my daughter recommended it too.  That was so perfect and many times I watched two or three episodes in the middle of the night.  Now my daughter has recommended GG so it's interesting to see it mentioned here, too.

 

Oh, yay!!  I'll have someone to chat with about Gilmore Girls!!  It's so good!

 

Keep an eye on that Luke and Lorelei...

 

Keep me posted on where you are in the series!!!!

 

Mrs.

[[Fi...]]

MRS-- I'll just be starting Gilmore Girls so, no spoilers please!  I've never watched any of it before so it should give me a good long run.  Yes, I love Netflix too and just upped my haul from 3 disks at a time to 6 until I get through this. 

 

Greenice--I wanted to add that I really thought I hadn't taken that much Xanax either, but I've been surprised at some of the small, intermittent doses people have taken for shorter times and still had problems.  I think what got to me was the length of time I took it--five years.  My doc wasn't enthusiastic and said don't take more than two or three tabs a week.  (He's the one who originally prescribed it without my asking to take on a stressful, overseas trip.)  I notice I always managed to take three, though, and when I found I could go back to sleep on a half tab, instead of only taking three half tabs a week, I was probably doing more like 6 half tabs.  So I was really building that frequency and dependency.  If I'd thought I was that hooked I wouldn't have cold turkeyed like I did.  I had a friend who was on this board for Klonopin and she's the one who clued me in about BB.  She was quite concerned about my decision to Cold Turkey, but once I got the idea in my head that the Xanax might be my problem, I didn't want to take one pill more.

 

I never really had some of the horrible symptoms many of you describe which may be why it took me so long to sign on.  I certainly didn't have anything to offer in the way of advice or a story of inspiring improvement.  I only had two really bad nights of insomnia, but that was enough to  know how horrific it is and make me so sympathetic to those of you going through this tonight.  It's so hard to explain why it's so awful, right?  You don't sleep, so what?  I read something about sleep eliminating poisons in your brain.  Not very scientific, but it sounds right!  When you haven't slept, you walk around like your brain's poisoned.

 

About a year ago, even though I was thinking I was probably almost well ( ) I went for a one time consultation with an addiction doctor in my town, apparently the first one to set up shop here.  She said if I was sleeping pretty well, I was probably through the worst of the benzo withdrawals but that I probably had a "a few more months" to go on the opioid sxs.  She said I would probably feel better with each passing month, acknowledging that it wasn't a thing where you'd slowly get better each and every day.  Of course I've been counting the months since that and have long passed anything resembling "a few" and still I'm not well.

 

Here's the thing about opioids and how much the damage will do to an individual.  1) length of use 2)dosage 3)method (it's worse if you snorted or shot something up---I didn't  4)whether you have a propensity for addiction--I don't and 5) particular substance. 

 

I was okay on everything except the substance.  It turns out that Oxycodone is worse than heroin because the pharmaceutical companies do such a good job of targeting the med to the receptors.  It's more efficient in this than heroin.

 

It's pretty clear to me that I have been dealing with brain issues from both opioids and benzos, but all the way along I've identified more with the people on BB than on any other addiction website.  I was actually following this board BEFORE I realized Xanax was part of my problem and I had to get off of it.  There was no way to follow stories of people going off of opiods.  It seems like they would mostly relapse.  People on BB share my frustration with having trouble with DRUGS THE DOCTORS PRESCRIBED.  Our medical system has no plan for taking care of people like us. 

 

This is why I am writing a book about this.  I think it's an untold story.  Actually I wrote it and called it finished about last February, the point where I finally recognized my own creative brain returning.  I wrote an epilogue of the way I assumed the rest of my healing would go.  And then that's not what happened!  I realized I could not finish and publish the book until I finished living the end of the story.  I mean, I am writing the book I wanted to read during this time, and the big question here for all of us is...how long until we're really well? 

 

NovaScotia--hope by the time you're reading this you got some sleep!

 

:smitten:to everybody out there.  We are not alone.

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... got a couple of hours sleep ... for me, seems like that was a good thing to do last night ... just stay up until I got groggy enough to sleep without going into a vibration cycle ... and to let the revving run out of steam ... and I did not drop into that "disconnected place" ...

 

Hope you all are getting some sleep ...

 

Green ... "doing over again" ... I need to keep remembering "non-linearity" ... for me, it often seems I am "going over the same ground again" ...

 

Here is a very goofy metaphor ... "eat all your vegetables" ... and on the table are piles and piles of vegetables ... and I cannot leave the room until I eat all of them ... I don't have to "stay at the table", but I cannot leave the room until I am done ... so ... I eat a little ... move around ... eat some more ... and on and on ...

 

In the beginning the piles and piles of vegetables are overwhelming ... I will never be able to eat all of them and get out of the room ... I will be "trapped" here forever ... and I nibble away ... what else is there to do? ... I feel like I am eating the same stuff over and over again ... and I am ...

 

Some days I can't eat much ... other days I can manage big bites ... and I keep eating ...

 

(for you astute observers of metaphors ... there is a bathroom in the dining room  )

 

And of course, each different vegetable "reacts" differently in my tummy ... and I keep eating ... it is the only way out of the room ... and after a while the piles are not as large as they were in the beginning ... and I am now getting aware of what each vegetable "does" when I eat it ... and I notice "combinations" of post-prandial effects ...

 

Round and round I go ... and one or two piles are gone ... hmmm ... that is encouraging ... and then I realize that under some of the beans are a few tomatoes that I had thought I was finished with ... and I keep going round the table ... nibbling away ...

 

Okay ... not a great metaphor ... and it does "feel like" what is going on for me and what others are now describing this far out ...

 

Well, anyway ... have a good Saturday ...

 

[[mr...]]

A little tidbit of good news to share...

 

I slept in until 7:52am today!!! This hasn't happened in a long time!! Its usually 5-6am when I wake the first time, and I groggily doze in and out until I need to start getting ready at 7am for work.

 

7:52am! Cool beans.

 

Mrs.

[[He...]]

Well I certainly joined several of you with the Friday night crud and I jolted awake several times, the last about an hour ago and I'm really revved up. Stupid waves! I fought anxiety all day yesterday, starting with taking my dog to the vet first thing and then having an eye doctor appointment for myself. I got my eyes dilated and it totally brought anxiety due to the distorted vision. I also have doctor/health fear which started rising just sitting in the waiting room. I had to work at a holiday bazaar in the afternoon through early evening and it just kept things revved.

 

My muscles were so tight, especially my upper back, and it felt like I had a weird buzzing or electrical charge zooming under my skin. I still feel this. It almost feels like my body is going to short circuit. Have any of you felt like this?

 

Speaking of revisiting old places, or eating all those damn vegetables, I actually had to get up and pace around my house earlier because I was jumping out of my skin and I couldn't lay down. That used to be an every night occurance. Hopefully there are not too many of those left in my "kitchen"! Ugh.

 

I'm calming down now and going to try to fall back to sleep as it's still fairly early. Fingers crossed!

[[He...]]

A little tidbit of good news to share...

 

I slept in until 7:52am today!!! This hasn't happened in a long time!! Its usually 5-6am when I wake the first time, and I groggily doze in and out until I need to start getting ready at 7am for work.

 

7:52am! Cool beans.

 

Mrs.

 

Mrs, that's awesome!!

[[je...]]

Hi guys,

Sorry to hear a lot of you are struggling. Iam 14 months out now and although I still have a lot of physical sx I somehow still feel way better even better than a few months ago. My mental clarity is so much better,  my functionality level is far better, and my stress tolerance has also improved. I see a big difference from a few months ago, so I'm hoping it will continue to improve. All my mental sx  are gone at the moment no depression, and no anxiety which is a miracle being that anxiety and panic attacks were the reason I was put on benzos. The only thing that I know for sure has helped me is exercise, and time...... I hope you all start to feel better, but I just wanted to encourage you all that things will improve for all of you too! Jenny 

[[Fi...]]

Buddies--It makes me feel a little guilty to admit that I slept well, without waking, from about midnight until seven.  Actually, this is the usual story recently.  Last summer I actually logged something like 40 days of sleeping straight through the night, which I took as such a good marker of healing.  It really makes me understand how the Xanax was so bad for me, because before my knee surgery, I was regularly waking at 3:00 am and I'd take Xanax to go back to sleep.  I just thought I was a person who needed that.  Hey, everybody understands how important sleep is, right?  I never felt hung over so I did not see the harm.  Now I can see how I was teaching my brain dependency.  So it makes me optimistic to realize I am going to come out of this better than I was before.

 

I also think I'm calmer than I was before in general. 

 

I am so sorry you are all having so much trouble!  I have to admit I've never really had these vibrations people talk about or the random bouts of anxiety.  That may be partly because I have so effectively cut myself off from the world and as many sources of anxiety as possible.

 

I'm just sitting here this morning with that old pain in the backs of my thighs which has dogged me from the time I first started going off the Oxycodone.  Maybe between the two different things going on in my brain, I have a slightly different set of sxs than you all.

 

And by the way--what exactly does sxs stand for?  Side effects? 

 

Hope you have a better day.  NovaScotia--glad you slept at least a little.

 

My plan is to use whatever morning energy I'm granted to get in at least a little exercise in the form of riding my stationary bike.

[[mr...]]

Well I certainly joined several of you with the Friday night crud and I jolted awake several times, the last about an hour ago and I'm really revved up. Stupid waves! I fought anxiety all day yesterday, starting with taking my dog to the vet first thing and then having an eye doctor appointment for myself. I got my eyes dilated and it totally brought anxiety due to the distorted vision. I also have doctor/health fear which started rising just sitting in the waiting room. I had to work at a holiday bazaar in the afternoon through early evening and it just kept things revved.

 

My muscles were so tight, especially my upper back, and it felt like I had a weird buzzing or electrical charge zooming under my skin. I still feel this. It almost feels like my body is going to short circuit. Have any of you felt like this?

 

Speaking of revisiting old places, or eating all those damn vegetables, I actually had to get up and pace around my house earlier because I was jumping out of my skin and I couldn't lay down. That used to be an every night occurance. Hopefully there are not too many of those left in my "kitchen"! Ugh.

 

I'm calming down now and going to try to fall back to sleep as it's still fairly early. Fingers crossed!

 

"2nd year-isms" is the name of the album that's playing for you at the moment, I believe. You've heard of the group before, I know you have. Its the last album ever put out by the group, "Benzo's Last Stand". The group NEVER put out another album after this one -- they just kinda broke up and went their own ways for good (remember that). The album absolutely STINKS but it ranked #7 in the Top 40s poll -- go figure, right? I think its because once the tune is playing, its one of those catchy dumb tunes that takes a bit to get out of your head -- kinda like that Taylor Swift song, what's it called? Shake It Off? Hey, maybe we just need to switch the channel to that Taylor Swift song...

 

No sweat, sister. You've been through the worst. Mr told me last night -- if I had to do it again, I COULD and I WOULD -- because I am SO MUCH STRONGER now. And...he's right. I ABSOLUTELY NEVER want to go through anything like this again (and I won't), but I could if I had to.

 

No rush. No worries. Just remember, The "Isms" is by: "Benzo's Last Stand". Love ya girl. Shake it off. :laugh:

 

Mrs.

[[mr...]]

And the playa's gonna play, (play, play, play, play) and the hater's gonna hate, (hate, hate, hate, hate)... Aaahhhwww, heck.

 

Mrs.

[[Gr...]]

MRS-- I'll just be starting Gilmore Girls so, no spoilers please!  I've never watched any of it before so it should give me a good long run.  Yes, I love Netflix too and just upped my haul from 3 disks at a time to 6 until I get through this. 

 

Greenice--I wanted to add that I really thought I hadn't taken that much Xanax either, but I've been surprised at some of the small, intermittent doses people have taken for shorter times and still had problems.  I think what got to me was the length of time I took it--five years.  My doc wasn't enthusiastic and said don't take more than two or three tabs a week.  (He's the one who originally prescribed it without my asking to take on a stressful, overseas trip.)  I notice I always managed to take three, though, and when I found I could go back to sleep on a half tab, instead of only taking three half tabs a week, I was probably doing more like 6 half tabs.  So I was really building that frequency and dependency.  If I'd thought I was that hooked I wouldn't have cold turkeyed like I did.  I had a friend who was on this board for Klonopin and she's the one who clued me in about BB.  She was quite concerned about my decision to Cold Turkey, but once I got the idea in my head that the Xanax might be my problem, I didn't want to take one pill more.

 

I never really had some of the horrible symptoms many of you describe which may be why it took me so long to sign on.  I certainly didn't have anything to offer in the way of advice or a story of inspiring improvement.  I only had two really bad nights of insomnia, but that was enough to  know how horrific it is and make me so sympathetic to those of you going through this tonight.  It's so hard to explain why it's so awful, right?  You don't sleep, so what?  I read something about sleep eliminating poisons in your brain.  Not very scientific, but it sounds right!  When you haven't slept, you walk around like your brain's poisoned.

 

About a year ago, even though I was thinking I was probably almost well ( ) I went for a one time consultation with an addiction doctor in my town, apparently the first one to set up shop here.  She said if I was sleeping pretty well, I was probably through the worst of the benzo withdrawals but that I probably had a "a few more months" to go on the opioid sxs.  She said I would probably feel better with each passing month, acknowledging that it wasn't a thing where you'd slowly get better each and every day.  Of course I've been counting the months since that and have long passed anything resembling "a few" and still I'm not well.

 

Here's the thing about opioids and how much the damage will do to an individual.  1) length of use 2)dosage 3)method (it's worse if you snorted or shot something up---I didn't  4)whether you have a propensity for addiction--I don't and 5) particular substance. 

 

I was okay on everything except the substance.  It turns out that Oxycodone is worse than heroin because the pharmaceutical companies do such a good job of targeting the med to the receptors.  It's more efficient in this than heroin.

 

It's pretty clear to me that I have been dealing with brain issues from both opioids and benzos, but all the way along I've identified more with the people on BB than on any other addiction website.  I was actually following this board BEFORE I realized Xanax was part of my problem and I had to get off of it.  There was no way to follow stories of people going off of opiods.  It seems like they would mostly relapse.  People on BB share my frustration with having trouble with DRUGS THE DOCTORS PRESCRIBED.  Our medical system has no plan for taking care of people like us. 

 

This is why I am writing a book about this.  I think it's an untold story.  Actually I wrote it and called it finished about last February, the point where I finally recognized my own creative brain returning.  I wrote an epilogue of the way I assumed the rest of my healing would go.  And then that's not what happened!  I realized I could not finish and publish the book until I finished living the end of the story.  I mean, I am writing the book I wanted to read during this time, and the big question here for all of us is...how long until we're really well? 

 

NovaScotia--hope by the time you're reading this you got some sleep!

 

:smitten:to everybody out there.  We are not alone.

 

Finally,

You said so much, and I agree.

 

The Xanax.  I've been on them a while.  Thing is, in 2004, or by 2004, when I had been taking "as needed" for maybe a year, really very infrequently, and then I maybe started .5 for sleep a couple of nights a week, then stopped, having no idea what I had done, I had this brutal abrupt onset tolerance withdrawal that was so bad I was running to every doctor I could find to figure out what was wrong.  It was really tragic, I was a bright woman, lived in a city with the best medical care in the world, and no one could figure out what was wrong with me. 

 

So, yes,  establishing any kind of pattern of use with BZD is a recipe for disaster, even at very low doses.  I've had a pretty rough time with the cold turkey, but I was as bad, or worse, back then, on a tiny dose, and not for so long, relatively speaking.  These can be very dangerous drugs.  I would love to know the statistics.  There has to be a reason they're not studied, or we don't have access to the studies.

 

Yes, oxy is very bad, very dangerous.  there was a good story, I think Atlantic monthly, about oxy and the pharmaceutical company that pushed it, and how it's destroyed so many lives.  I have the link if you want to read it.

 

PAWS for opioid use is bad, but I think it's worse for BZD users, I really do.  Actually, you would know, you came off both, what are the differences, what's worth and why?

 

All I know is it's virtually impossible to explain this to anyone.

 

As far as the medical system taking care of us, there's really nothing to do.  It's just time.  A lot of ppl are messed up, though, the duration of recovery destroys their relationships, careers, jobs, homes are lost.  PPL lose a lot going through this.  It would be nice if temporary disability were available, if the medical system would just recognize how ill we are, how disabled, albeit temporarily.  It's very hard being so terribly sick, or out of commission is a better term, for me,  with an "invisible illness," one which no one recognizes.  People tend to view it as a psych problem or hypochondria.

 

Nice talk.  Food for thought.

[[Gr...]]

Good Morning ... got a couple of hours sleep ... for me, seems like that was a good thing to do last night ... just stay up until I got groggy enough to sleep without going into a vibration cycle ... and to let the revving run out of steam ... and I did not drop into that "disconnected place" ...

 

Hope you all are getting some sleep ...

 

Green ... "doing over again" ... I need to keep remembering "non-linearity" ... for me, it often seems I am "going over the same ground again" ...

 

Here is a very goofy metaphor ... "eat all your vegetables" ... and on the table are piles and piles of vegetables ... and I cannot leave the room until I eat all of them ... I don't have to "stay at the table", but I cannot leave the room until I am done ... so ... I eat a little ... move around ... eat some more ... and on and on ...

 

In the beginning the piles and piles of vegetables are overwhelming ... I will never be able to eat all of them and get out of the room ... I will be "trapped" here forever ... and I nibble away ... what else is there to do? ... I feel like I am eating the same stuff over and over again ... and I am ...

 

Some days I can't eat much ... other days I can manage big bites ... and I keep eating ...

 

(for you astute observers of metaphors ... there is a bathroom in the dining room  )

 

And of course, each different vegetable "reacts" differently in my tummy ... and I keep eating ... it is the only way out of the room ... and after a while the piles are not as large as they were in the beginning ... and I am now getting aware of what each vegetable "does" when I eat it ... and I notice "combinations" of post-prandial effects ...

 

Round and round I go ... and one or two piles are gone ... hmmm ... that is encouraging ... and then I realize that under some of the beans are a few tomatoes that I had thought I was finished with ... and I keep going round the table ... nibbling away ...

 

Okay ... not a great metaphor ... and it does "feel like" what is going on for me and what others are now describing this far out ...

 

Well, anyway ... have a good Saturday ...

 

 

Nova, this feels like deja-vu all over again!  Can't help feeling I've done this before.  I clearly don't want to eat my greens!  Glad you got some sleep.

[[Gr...]]

Well I certainly joined several of you with the Friday night crud and I jolted awake several times, the last about an hour ago and I'm really revved up. Stupid waves! I fought anxiety all day yesterday, starting with taking my dog to the vet first thing and then having an eye doctor appointment for myself. I got my eyes dilated and it totally brought anxiety due to the distorted vision. I also have doctor/health fear which started rising just sitting in the waiting room. I had to work at a holiday bazaar in the afternoon through early evening and it just kept things revved.

 

My muscles were so tight, especially my upper back, and it felt like I had a weird buzzing or electrical charge zooming under my skin. I still feel this. It almost feels like my body is going to short circuit. Have any of you felt like this?

 

Speaking of revisiting old places, or eating all those damn vegetables, I actually had to get up and pace around my house earlier because I was jumping out of my skin and I couldn't lay down. That used to be an every night occurance. Hopefully there are not too many of those left in my "kitchen"! Ugh.

 

I'm calming down now and going to try to fall back to sleep as it's still fairly early. Fingers crossed!

 

HH, I've got the tight muscle thing going on, to me it feels like rigor mortis.  And I get more like a buzzing electrical feeling under the skin.  When I had this in 2004 I thought I had MS and ran for an MRI.  I'm really glad I already did that, so I don't have to get any crazy health fears now.  I know what this is, I've had it, it's definitely w/d, and even so I'm stunned by how many body systems are affected by withdrawal, stunned.  It will pass.

[[Gr...]]

Buddies--It makes me feel a little guilty to admit that I slept well, without waking, from about midnight until seven.  Actually, this is the usual story recently.  Last summer I actually logged something like 40 days of sleeping straight through the night, which I took as such a good marker of healing.  It really makes me understand how the Xanax was so bad for me, because before my knee surgery, I was regularly waking at 3:00 am and I'd take Xanax to go back to sleep.  I just thought I was a person who needed that.  Hey, everybody understands how important sleep is, right?  I never felt hung over so I did not see the harm.  Now I can see how I was teaching my brain dependency.  So it makes me optimistic to realize I am going to come out of this better than I was before.

 

I also think I'm calmer than I was before in general. 

 

I am so sorry you are all having so much trouble!  I have to admit I've never really had these vibrations people talk about or the random bouts of anxiety.  That may be partly because I have so effectively cut myself off from the world and as many sources of anxiety as possible.

 

I'm just sitting here this morning with that old pain in the backs of my thighs which has dogged me from the time I first started going off the Oxycodone.  Maybe between the two different things going on in my brain, I have a slightly different set of sxs than you all.

 

And by the way--what exactly does sxs stand for?  Side effects? 

 

Hope you have a better day.  NovaScotia--glad you slept at least a little.

 

My plan is to use whatever morning energy I'm granted to get in at least a little exercise in the form of riding my stationary bike.

 

Finally, from what I've read, it takes a long time to deal well with pain after opioid w/d.  Something to do with the receptors it targets, again.  like everything just hurts more than it should. I don't know if the endorphins come into play.  But it gets better over time.  sx is symptoms, I think

[[Gr...]]

Hi guys,

Sorry to hear a lot of you are struggling. Iam 14 months out now and although I still have a lot of physical sx I somehow still feel way better even better than a few months ago. My mental clarity is so much better,  my functionality level is far better, and my stress tolerance has also improved. I see a big difference from a few months ago, so I'm hoping it will continue to improve. All my mental sx  are gone at the moment no depression, and no anxiety which is a miracle being that anxiety and panic attacks were the reason I was put on benzos. The only thing that I know for sure has helped me is exercise, and time...... I hope you all start to feel better, but I just wanted to encourage you all that things will improve for all of you too! Jenny 

 

Jenny, you sound great today, and I'm so glad, for you, and for me!  I need to hear about ppl feeling better.  And thank you for realizing there was a need for this thread.  You were absolutely right.  After the first year, it's really a very different ballgame,  and our support needs are different.  So good.  Have a wonderful day.   P.S.  I've noticed that new clarity thing, and it's a gift, I am grateful.

[[Gr...]]

Whew, another day in La Vida Loca of BZD withdrawal!  Hope I spelled that right.  I was having a rough time with mental sx on top of physical.  Las t day or so, I'm getting a handle on the mental.  I really do feel like I'm doing this over again, it feels like a repeat of the beginning, only not so intense, starting with the panic attacks I had at the beginning of this wave.  So now that I know there's a new playing field, I'm applying my old wd tools trying to lose the depression.  That sh&* has to go.  there is no way I can cope with all these sx and depression. 

 

Sleep was not great, fell off at 4 a.m., woke up at 7, fell back until 10.  But it's not always quantity, it's quality.  The quality must have been better, because I'm strong mentally and feel okay.  I had also recently made a decision to go back to not going to bed, just watching a movie at 2 a.m. instead of tossing and turning.  I did this early on when I wasn't sleeping, and it worked for me.  I didn't feel so anxious when bedtime came, I avoided the internal vibrations and restless legs.  and my brain loves it when I "accept" rather than resist the symptoms.  I can do this because I don't have to get up for work or kids.  Thank God.

 

So I feel better because I'm accepting where I'm at, not fighting it, or I feel better because symptoms are abating?  I've been asking that question since day one.  I don't think I'll ever know.  I suspect acceptance. 

 

Weird, though, when I woke up there was a song playing in my head almost like I was listening to a radio.  I mean I opened my eyes and heard it before I was fully awake.  Also been noticing cars crashing and horns blowing that wake me up out of a half sleep.  I wake up looking for the source, and shocked, again to realize it's in my head.  Anybody??  You really couldn't make this stuff up.  AND WHEN I TRY TO TELL THE THERAPIST, SHE WANTS TO GIVE ME CRAZY MEDS!!

[[Mi...]]

I still get the extreme muscle issues as some of you describe, but not nearly as often as months ago.  My arms and legs will hurt really bad, but it's not straight up pain, it's a combination of feeling like your muscles are made from concrete, and also that they have been completely over-worked like if you did too much lifting at a gym.  Almost a tight and tearing feeling.  It's completely awful and I loathe when that SE decides to show up.  Again you are't alone.

 

***I can definitely contribute to the Oxycodone discussion.***

 

I was bad, really bad, for over 3 years.  600mg's a day bad.  I would wake up, take 7 1/2 30mg pills in one shot, barely get a buzz, and have the chills within 5 hours.  Before I started looking for heroin I went to detox and went C/T off 600mg/day, declined their stupid Methadone.  Took 45-60 days and felt 100% recovered.  Stayed clean for 2 years without a problem.  After two years I hurt my back falling down the stairs.  After 2 months the nerve pain wouldn't let up so I went back on oxy's.  This time I was totally responsible and did not abuse them.  Took 90mg/day for another 3 years then weaned off of them myself in a 2 month span.  After I stopped I developed "some" anxiety.  This is totally normal for former opiate users, I was well aware.  Instead of just dealing with the temporary anxiety, a$$hole me started taking xanax.  It was that stupid stupid mistake that has ruined the last 2 years of my life.  Looking back I was such a weak man for taking xanax instead of just dealing with some temporary anxiousness.  I will never take another man made drug as long as I live.