12-18 month support

[[Gr...]]

Green...you are going to come out of this wave. It has only been in the last 7-12 days that I have had times of " seeing the possibility " ...and sometimes feeling the possibilities. ...and today my window was mostly back to baseline...although a decent baseline and I was tired again. I think it is still very up and down and all around but a much gentler ride. I just know the minute I commit that to written word I will be thrown into a wave.. do knock on wood. ...I am definitely not strong...I am just trying to go with whatever shows up on any given day and on some lucky days its mostly good lately. I am able to push myself just a little and venture a few stabs at risk taking but retreat quickly if things start going funky. I think that 2 year time frame for 100% healing is what I am going for but I expect things yo be much better still by mo th 14-16....crossing my fingers.

.....its ok to rest Green...if you put in some couch  time it doesn't  mean. you wont ever get off the couch abasing. Although I have to confess my own aversion to my bed...I have spent so much time in it over the past year I don't want to take rests in the day a y more..but I have so many days ( most) in which I need to rest.

.....I am thinking of you Green and sending you wishes for some sunbreaks tomorrow...coop

 

Coop, I love hearing you this positive.  I remember the dark days this time last year -- and the world looked literally dark then because I was in acute -- we were crazed and desperate, well, I was, lol.  And it's not like that anymore, no way.  We have walked through fire and lived to tell.  We're not finished, but when there are waves and bad days, the support we need is right here.  It will be very nice to settle in for the winter and consider the possibilities.

[[No...]]

Good Morning ...

 

Shut down last night pretty early ... lots of head pressure and general malaise ... uncomfortable for quite some time ... and I did not sleep well ...

 

And sitting there feeling somewhat miserable through the night I remembered ...

 

When I am here, on BB, I can let your posts "wash over" me ... soothe me ... when I am alone with my "stuff" your posts "sustain" through the hours ...

 

Alone, I am strong, resilient, steadfast ... I do manage to keep my "focus", however tenuous from time to time ... and your posts are additional "logs" I use to keep my home fires burning ... and I do have my own stash of logs I have prepared and use ... and with the addition of what is given to me here my "work" is easier ... I am given some time to relax from my "labours" ...

 

And, for me, it is not "enough" to do this alone ... the "gift" of my recovery is so much more bountiful, expansive when it includes the community of those who have gone before, those present today, and those who will follow us along this path ... 

 

Some reflections from an old fella who spent some time in reverie with his fellow travelers last night ... bless you all for being "here" for me ...

 

[[je...]]

Hi guys,

 

I'm in a negative head space today and feel the need to isolate. It started last night at soccer practice... I was looking around at all the parents talking and I felt like such an outsider, I felt lonely. I came home and started crying, its probably hormones or something. Woke up today to all the lovely negative voices I know so well. Just wanted you all to know I'm thinking of you.  Jenny

[[He...]]

Good Thursday morning!  I'm sorry that yesterday and last night was one of struggles.  This damn recovery process...it is awful and draining and demoralizing at times.  Thankfully those times start becoming less and less as we put more time between us and the stupid benzo!  Today I am feeling quite "edgy".  I am fairly stressed out by our leaving this afternoon for my daughter's volleyball championship games.  I am not packed yet, and things feel very out of sorts.  I will be running home during my lunch hour to pack and finish some things that need done because we are leaving straight from school, about an hour early.  I hope I will be able to relax once I finally get in the car and we are on the way! 

 

The good news is that I slept great last night.  This makes me very happy, and is another sign of healing, because last year I could hardly sleep before games, especially big games that we had to travel to!  I would continually be jolting awake and would lay there all night just pulsing with anxiety.  It is such a wonderful thing to not be in that place anymore! 

 

Alright, deep breaths for me because I need to get ready for work. 

Love to you all!

[[Sk...]]

So, I survived yesterday. Mr Sky said he could hear my heart when I hugged him.

 

Anyway, a quick note, no matter how bad my day, I am sleeping quite well except for the occasional nightmare. Last night I dreamt my nose bled...

 

Otherwise for today, I am getting a break, but this month is unreal.

 

Hugs and smiles to all.

[[je...]]

Great news HH and sky! My sleeping has been better the last few days too. 

[[Sk...]]

Way to go Jenny !

 

Hugs everybody, I am off. I wrote my progress log and I feel like I have been lifting weights it is so hard for me to write about wd, my fingers become like two left feet !

 

Night everybody, I am calling it a night.Hugs and smiles .

[[No...]]

Hello ... had a 4 hour nap after supper ... so am up here at 12:30 AM ... feeling pretty "centered" ...

 

Seems my long pre-one year wave has morphed into short, intense cycles of 3 or 4 hours ... sure would be nice if the person in charge of this process would let me know what the next "chapter" would feel like ... sure would save some stress and doubt ...

 

Went to a "community class" on exercise yesterday afternoon ... about 25 middle aged and senior women and yours truly ... and a 20-something facilitator ... quite fascinating really to watch your "culture" in motion ... is there a "script" for these kind of things that I did not read? ...

 

It was like watching a tennis match ... the facilitator would "lob" over some information ... and the group would "lob" back ... "don't have enough time" ... hit that one back ... "I don't like change" ... hit that one back ... "the weather is never nice" ... hit that one back ... at least it loosened up my neck muscles for a couple of hours watching the "match" ...

 

And the cell phones ... and folks texting during the presentation ... and yapping ... hmmm ... found it "interesting" ...

 

Anyway ... as with anything, this too is about self-motivation ... and finding resources ... and ignoring the "chatter" ... and I was the only one in the room who did not own a car ... and got the "what do you do?" response ... I walk, I take the bus ... I do not need a car ... when I need one I rent one ... Heinlein had a great title ... "Stranger in a Strange Land" ...

 

Oh well, enjoyed myself and was thankful I had no issues around interacting ... a bit "foggy" from time to time ... and then walked home ... only an hour ...

 

Michael

 

[[Co...]]

Michael...lol...sounds like a great venture in re- entry. Me too, wherever I go out in the world these days I feel exactly like I did in middle school...like a foreigner in a foreign land. Thank goodness you and I have been around long enough to not give a flying fig what anyone thinks. ..You sound really good Michael. So glad to hear that your waves are 3/4 hours ...How is the b/p?.....I don't drive either ( I always hated it anyway). I love going on the bus..I find it really relaxing.....so glad to see you here....coop

[[No...]]

Coop ... yep ... I am pretty good ... these intermittent bits of wavey are just a nuisance ... and also a "good thing" ... the healer is still on the job ... tinkering with the setting that still need adjusting ...

 

The BP stuff is a bit odd still ... but I don't think about it much ... seems it wants to bounce around a bit ...

 

Glad to hear you are in a good place at the moment ... we just have to keep chugging along ...

 

Have a good evening ...

 

Michael

[[Sk...]]

Seems my long pre-one year wave has morphed into short, intense cycles of 3 or 4 hours ... sure would be nice if the person in charge of this process would let me know what the next "chapter" would feel like ... sure would save some stress and doubt ...

 

So, is that what we get next ? I am in the 24 hour cycle phase and it is tough. I am having my bad day and I have strong palps. I was wondering the same thing today, what the next phase will be.

 

Michael, you do sound great.

[[ga...]]

Nice to see this 12 to 18 month board.  Let us hope that this will lead many of us into a much improved period in our lives.  Continued lessoning of sxs would be wonderful.  Would love to hear many success stories. 

 

I haven't been on the boards much lately.  Overall, at 16 months, I can say things are slowly improving.  There are still the difficult periods.  I just try my best to take them one day at a time.  Do my best to get through the rough ones.  For me, those are ones where I don't get much sleep the prior night.  I am not keeping a sleep journal but if I was to guess I would say it is gradually moving in the right direction.  I am falling asleep at 10:30 or so most nights now.  Still more tossing and turning then I would like.  Generally awake by 4:30 and lying in bed for a bit after that.  This is still enough for me to get along.  Still having those intrusive, negative thoughts in those earlier morning hours but I find I can shake them sometime during the morning.  Bottom line...IT IS GETTING BETTER>

 

Best of luck to all who are in this stage.

[[mr...]]

Seems my long pre-one year wave has morphed into short, intense cycles of 3 or 4 hours ... sure would be nice if the person in charge of this process would let me know what the next "chapter" would feel like ... sure would save some stress and doubt ...

 

So, is that what we get next ? I am in the 24 hour cycle phase and it is tough. I am having my bad day and I have strong palps. I was wondering the same thing today, what the next phase will be.

 

Michael, you do sound great.

 

Sky, have you considered some supplementation to help with things?

 

I know that it is not for everyone, of course I will share my experiences with you, and what has worked well for me

 

Magnesium: I believe this did a wonderful job for me, with anxiety, tachycardia, heart palps, and panic. Generally, 20-40 minutes after taking my dose if it, my heartrate would slow down by 5-15bpm, and the beats would calm (less "pound"), etc. I believe the RDA is 300-400mg per day. I began at 400mg per day (100mg four times throughout the day). In the worst of withdrawal, I was taking 1,200mg (300mg four times per day). This is just me, of course. Everyone's "effective" dose is different I use Parker's brand that she suggested, Doctor's Best 100% Chelated Magnesium Glycinate. I chose this form because it us very easily absorbed in the digestive tract (many forms are not), and I believed it would therefore have a better chance of reaching my bloodstream and have the calming effect as I was seeking. I also liked that it used glycine as well, because glycine is believed to have a calming effect on the central nervous system.

 

Vitamin C: I believe this has helped me with cortisol, and its effects (things like "adrenaline surges", sweats, early morning wakings, exercise intolerance, tremors/shakes, panic, sleep disturbances, etc). When in the bloodstream, vitamin C is thought to be a cortisol "gobbler". I believe the UL for vitamin C is 2,000mg per day. I've taken anywhere from 1,500-4,000mg per day (usually in 500-1,000mg increments throughout the day depending on activity). I'll usually take 1,000mg liquid form a little before and during my exercise, in order to help prevent a raise in cortisol. I'm a little less common, in that my cortisol 'peak' occurs in the afternoon, so I'll usually dose 1,000mg during that timeframe as well. But a LOT of buddies seem to have their issues in the morning/early morning hours (early wakings, panic wakings, early AM anxiety, etc). So I've heard of people dosing before bed, or when they wake in the early AM, to help reduce symptoms.

 

These are just a couple things that have helped me out Again, they may or may not be for you; its also probably good to check with your doctor to be sure no other meds you're on would interact, etc Hope this helps you!! We are healing

 

Mrs.

[[Sk...]]

Mrs, thanks for such detailed advice.I am looking into supplements of some kind.

 

About magnesium, I am a little scared, I read it needs a lot of testing, for the right personal dose. You mention brand names but I am in another country, there are different brands. Also the whole doctor consulting matter, which makes sense but it is not an option for me, my doc is not benzo wise.

Is  the magnesium, something advisable without consulting my physician ? Sorry, my benzo brain hasn't allowed me all that much  research into alternatives, so I know very little on the topic.

 

About the vitamin C, it does sound just what I need, and it does come with great reviews. TIme and dosage are important from what you say.

I will jot this down so tomorrow, maybe I wll remember to research it a little. If I have any doubts, I hope you don't mind my PMing you for further info. 

Mrs, again, thanks for taking the time.

[[...]]

Sky, I don't mean to butt into Mrs conversation, but I've done a lot of research on the magnesium. Typically you will start with 400 mg per day. My research says that 80-90% of people are low in magnesium and it can affect many things, including sleep, restless legs, and jerks and twitches.

 

Many people on BB have tried it and they did not do well with it. I have done very well on it! I take 800 mg before bed. Just listen to your body! One of the best absorbed is magnesium glycinate, but any magnesium will work. These are not "brands" but "types".

 

[[Sk...]]

GMIT, thanks for butting in.    I will look into types, and see about the dosages you suggest.

 

I have to say it scares me, I have become too sensitive to just about anything, but it is not possible to carry on this way any longer.

 

Night folks !

 

[[mr...]]

Hi Sky,

 

As far as I know, there is no "requirements" in checking with a physician to supplement magnesium. I only mentioned checking because they may know if it would interact w/ any other medications you might be taking Magnesium can sort of "hog" absorption, so sometimes they'll suggest taking your meds at a different time than the magnesium. The only other thing to think about is kidneys. Your kidneys are kind if the "filter system" for the blood & body, so if you have a preexisting kidney condition or are on dialysis, generally they recommend checking with your doctor before taking anything new, ya know?

 

Magnesium is the third most abundant element in the body, and it is used in over 300 functions & processes in the body. So, IMO, its a pretty safe one to supplement with. There's also not much derived from the diet, so there's that also. With most things, I almost always start small & low and work my way up to an effective dose. I found my "effective" dose when I noticed my heartrate settle and gentle itself down after 20-40 min of my dose! I started with 100mg per day, and slowly worked my way up. For me, my "effective" dose happened at around 600-800mg per day -- it was glorious Of course, all up to you my friend

 

One other thing I'd mention - IMO - the type of magnesium matters. I'm not talking about brands as much as I am talking about blends. The type I take is magnesium glycinate, and it is considered an amino acid chelated blend. IMO, these blends absorb the best into the bloodstream. OK, 'nuff for now Feel free to research as you wish!

 

Yes, IMO, time and dosage makes a difference in efficacy, for both magnesium and vitamin C

 

Hope this helps you, my friend And if any of it is too complex to understand, let me know and I will explain it more simply Take care buddy,

 

Mrs.

[[pe...]]

I miss you! ….So, here I am a little ahead of schedule, but I've no illusions of being done with this before January which is my one year mark. So, I'll just give myself the head start.

 

Let me start by saying -boof. It's the sound of getting the wind knocked out of you. It's just a common exclamation for me.

 

Then let me say reentry is confusing the snot out of all my people, including me. I feel like crap, a lighter version of crap, but crap with crazy thoughts and weird sensations none the less. And my husband says - "you seem great. You seem joyful and energetic. It's night and day. No one can tell you're not right as rain."

 

And I don't even know how to understand that. I should act sicker? It's confusing that I don't act sicker? Because I feel sick! I'm glad I'm not putting others out with my sickness, but I'm sick and this dance is very difficult, though I'm not exactly pretending because sometimes I can kind of lose myself for a few moments and it's the accumulation of those moments that will bring me back to 'life'. But even lost in those moments, stringing them together takes effort and in the end I'm exhausted and foggy, anxious and disjointed.

Boof. And I know have a longer road, I know there is more of this discomfort ahead. I just have to keep going.  And sleep seems like a good idea so I'll do that now. But I made it through the staff retreat and conferences for my sons and an evening fundraiser and my reward was being heard by my husband. It's still not easy, even with a sometimes smile and a few ideas. It's still not easy but maybe it's getting easier.

 

Hoping for that for all of us, just a little easier each day or week or month.

Peace2

 

 

[[He...]]

Well, crap....I just had a big ol' panic attack. That SUCKED! I've been in and out of a wave all day, fighting anxiety and some other physical symptoms. I made it through a long day at my daughter's vball tournament, but woke up about 40 minutes ago in a hot flash and I started panicking. I'm finally calming down now.

 

I've not had that heat flash thing before, but my skin was hot to touch...like I spiked a fever. I hope that isn't something that occurs on a regular basis!

I guess I'm not wave-free yet. I'm laying here trying to convince myself that this is still a healing year.

 

<sigh> :'(

 

[[pe...]]

HH -

You are healing in a healing year. Despite this wave, you are still very close. MommyR found great relief from the hot flashes with vitamin c.

 

Hope all calms today.

Peace2

[[mr...]]

HH -

You are healing in a healing year. Despite this wave, you are still very close. MommyR found great relief from the hot flashes with vitamin c.

 

Hope all calms today.

Peace2

 

HH, I second that about the vitamin C!! Very helpful

 

No worries about the panic attack, my friend Poop happens.

 

Mrs.

[[He...]]

Thank you Peace and Mrs! This wave is slamming me. I feel so much fear and anxiety, and lots of physical "yuck" that hasn't been there to this extent before. I spent the night waking up with cortisol rushes every 30 minutes to an hour. I'm feeling very overwhelmed and frantic right now.

 

My daughter has one or two games left in her volleyball season, and it ends today. If they win the 1st game they will be playing for the 4th place State trophy this afternoon. I HAVE to watch her! I can NOT let this rob me of this experience with my daughter! But I am not sure where I'm going to pull that strength from....I feel so beaten and empty.

 

I'm sorry for the downer post.  :'(

 

 

 

[[Sk...]]

Thank you Peace and Mrs! This wave is slamming me. I feel so much fear and anxiety, and lots of physical "yuck" that hasn't been there to this extent before. I spent the night waking up with cortisol rushes every 30 minutes to an hour. I'm feeling very overwhelmed and frantic right now.

 

My daughter has one or two games left in her volleyball season, and it ends today. If they win the 1st game they will be playing for the 4th place State trophy this afternoon. I HAVE to watch her! I can NOT let this rob me of this experience with my daughter! But I am not sure where I'm going to pull that strength from....I feel so beaten and empty.

 

I'm sorry for the downer post.  :'(

 

Healing, it is not a downer post, you are tired, you need to vent, you want to be there for you daughter. I mean, 4th place State trophy  is HUGE, I am sure you will manage somehow.

 

That is what we have been doing in these last months, managing somehow.

 

When you get back, let us know how it went but most of all pamper yourself for the extra effort you put it in.

[[Sk...]]

I miss you! ….So, here I am a little ahead of schedule, but I've no illusions of being done with this before January which is my one year mark. So, I'll just give myself the head start.

 

Let me start by saying -boof. It's the sound of getting the wind knocked out of you. It's just a common exclamation for me.

 

Then let me say reentry is confusing the snot out of all my people, including me. I feel like crap, a lighter version of crap, but crap with crazy thoughts and weird sensations none the less. And my husband says - "you seem great. You seem joyful and energetic. It's night and day. No one can tell you're not right as rain."

 

And I don't even know how to understand that. I should act sicker? It's confusing that I don't act sicker? Because I feel sick! I'm glad I'm not putting others out with my sickness, but I'm sick and this dance is very difficult, though I'm not exactly pretending because sometimes I can kind of lose myself for a few moments and it's the accumulation of those moments that will bring me back to 'life'. But even lost in those moments, stringing them together takes effort and in the end I'm exhausted and foggy, anxious and disjointed.

Boof. And I know have a longer road, I know there is more of this discomfort ahead. I just have to keep going.  And sleep seems like a good idea so I'll do that now. But I made it through the staff retreat and conferences for my sons and an evening fundraiser and my reward was being heard by my husband. It's still not easy, even with a sometimes smile and a few ideas. It's still not easy but maybe it's getting easier.

 

Hoping for that for all of us, just a little easier each day or week or month.

Peace2

 

PEace, this is nuts, not us. I understand where you are coming from, this is all  very tiring and confusing.

 

Btw, I too am saying " boof " a lot these days !

[[be...]]

Hey all,

Welcome to the next phase of 12- 18 months.

I haven't been on here for a few days. I'm pulling out of a nasty 3 day wave. Dang, I really thought those bad waves were gone. All I can say is "there had better be some really good healing around this corner". So ready for these physical symptoms to be gone.

I  was watching tv last night and saw on the guide that the movie Grounding Day was on, I usually watch it when it on, but not last night, because it's a reminder of what my life is like.....imagine that.

Hope you all are having better and more peaceful days.

Hugs.

.