JOKE OF THE DAY GROUP

[[Bi...]]

A duck walks into a bar and asks,

"Got any grapes?"

 

The bartender tells the duck no.

The duck thanks him and leaves.

 

The next day, the duck returns and asks,

"Got any grapes?"

 

The bartender tells him,

"No -- the bar does not serve grapes,

has never served grapes, and furthermore,

will never serve grapes."

The duck thanks him and leaves.

 

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells,

"Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes!

If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck feet to the floor!"

 

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks,

"Got any nails?"

 

Confused, the bartender says No.

 

"Good!" says the duck.

"Got any grapes?"

:laugh: :laugh: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

[[Bi...]]

i wish i knew some jokes to say here, the only ones i know are profane or sound racist   i'll give it some thought my memory might refresh and a clean joke might pop up

Hahaha you're awesome! You look like Zoey dechanel too

 

Knock knock?

 

I LOVE ZOEY!!!   

:smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

[[ba...]]

i wish i knew some jokes to say here, the only ones i know are profane or sound racist   i'll give it some thought my memory might refresh and a clean joke might pop up

Hahaha you're awesome! You look like Zoey dechanel too

 

Knock knock?

 

thanks Arrakis ! i always joke around with friends , seems like humor comforts me , im still thinking of a cean joke to say here , staff here are mean to me and banned me before

[[Pe...]]

This is going to be an interesting thread! 👍

[[Bi...]]

i wish i knew some jokes to say here, the only ones i know are profane or sound racist   i'll give it some thought my memory might refresh and a clean joke might pop up

Hahaha you're awesome! You look like Zoey dechanel too

 

Knock knock?

 

thanks Arrakis ! i always joke around with friends , seems like humor comforts me , im still thinking of a cean joke to say here , staff here are mean to me and banned me before

 

Baby the staff is nice.  No medical advice and be polite.

[[Bi...]]

A cop pulls a guy over,

 

"Any drugs or alcohol sir?" 

 

"No thanks I got everything I need"

[[Ar...]]

Accidently pooped my pants in the elevator. I'm taking this sh1t to a new level...

[[be...]]

what do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool???

 

                                                                                        'Bob'

 

 

 

What do you call a man with no arms legs laying in front of a door??  You tell me 

 

Matt ?

[[be...]]

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills... She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

 

 

 

[[Bi...]]

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills... She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[[Bi...]]

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

[[be...]]

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

 

[[Bi...]]

what do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool???

 

                                                                                        'Bob'

 

 

 

What do you call a man with no arms legs laying in front of a door??  You tell me 

 

Matt ?

 

  Yes,    :laugh:

 

OK, What do you call a girl with no arms only one leg?

[[Pe...]]

A coyote date?

[[Bi...]]

A coyote date?

 

Ilean

[[Bi...]]

OK, What do you call a girl with no arms only one leg?

 

A bit stand-offish, but still approachable.

:laugh: :laugh:

[[Bi...]]

A bear walks into a bar. He says, "I'll have a gin... ... ... ... and tonic." The bartender says, "Sure, but what about the big pause?" The bear says, "I was born with them."

 

[[Bi...]]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!

[[Bi...]]

Pete is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Pete asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

[[be...]]

A bear walks into a bar. He says, "I'll have a gin... ... ... ... and tonic." The bartender says, "Sure, but what about the big pause?" The bear says, "I was born with them."

 

[[Bi...]]

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

[[lo...]]

Love this Japanese Doctor!

 

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?


A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 


A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottoms up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?


A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 


A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 


A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 


A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? 


A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits. 


2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.


3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.


4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits. 


5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

 

That is ok. I'm Scottish 

[[Bi...]]

Love this Japanese Doctor!

 

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?


A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 


A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottoms up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?


A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 


A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 


A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 


A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? 


A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits. 


2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.


3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.


4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits. 


5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

 

That is ok. I'm Scottish 

 

:laugh: :laugh:

[[Bi...]]

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.

[[...]]

:laugh:

 

Farmer Gossman goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated."

 

The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."

 

Farmer Gossman comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.

 

The vet says, "What happened?"

 

Farmer Gossman says, "The horse blew first."