JOKE OF THE DAY GROUP

[[Bi...]]

PASTE YOUR FAVORITE JOKES HERE -

[[Bi...]]

Divorce:

 

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

 

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

 

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

 

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

 

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

 

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

 

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

 

"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

 

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

 

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."

 

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

 

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

 

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

 

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

[[be...]]

 

[[be...]]

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.......

[[lo...]]

Quite right too

 

Fiona

 

I can never remember jokes. Now I can never remember anything!?? 

[[Bi...]]

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school." The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!" The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!" The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.

[[Ar...]]

:D I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.  :D--

[[be...]]

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school." The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!" The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!" The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.

        lmao....awesome.....

 

 

New England Temperature Conversion Chart

Funny jokes about New Englanders

 

60° F: Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably. New Englanders sunbathe.

 

50° F: New Yorkers turn on the heat. People in New England plant gardens.

 

40° F: Italian & English cars won't start. New Englanders drive with the windows down.

 

32° F: Distilled water freezes. Maine's Moosehead Lake's water gets thicker.

 

20° F: Floridians put on coats coats, gloves, wool hats and thermal underwear. People in New England throw on a flannel shirt.

 

15° F: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in New England have the last cookout before it gets cold.

 

0° F: All the people in Miami die. New Englanders close the windows.

 

10° below zero: Californians fly to Mexico. The Girl Scouts in New England are selling cookies door to door.

 

25° below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. New Englanders get out their winter coats.

 

40° below zero: Washington, D.C. runs out of hot air. People in New England let the dogs sleep inside.

 

100° below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in New Englander get frustrated because they can't start their "kahs."

 

460° below zero: All atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). New Englanders start saying, "cold 'nuff for ya?"

 

500° below zero: Hell freezes over. The Red Sox win the World Series.

[[Bi...]]

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school." The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!" The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!" The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.

        lmao....awesome.....

 

 

New England Temperature Conversion Chart

Funny jokes about New Englanders

 

60° F: Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably. New Englanders sunbathe.

 

50° F: New Yorkers turn on the heat. People in New England plant gardens.

 

40° F: Italian & English cars won't start. New Englanders drive with the windows down.

 

32° F: Distilled water freezes. Maine's Moosehead Lake's water gets thicker.

 

20° F: Floridians put on coats coats, gloves, wool hats and thermal underwear. People in New England throw on a flannel shirt.

 

15° F: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in New England have the last cookout before it gets cold.

 

0° F: All the people in Miami die. New Englanders close the windows.

 

10° below zero: Californians fly to Mexico. The Girl Scouts in New England are selling cookies door to door.

 

25° below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. New Englanders get out their winter coats.

 

40° below zero: Washington, D.C. runs out of hot air. People in New England let the dogs sleep inside.

 

100° below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in New Englander get frustrated because they can't start their "kahs."

 

460° below zero: All atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). New Englanders start saying, "cold 'nuff for ya?"

 

500° below zero: Hell freezes over. The Red Sox win the World Series.

 

BJ good one, remind me never to go to New England.  It's 107 F. in Vegas today and we are still wearing jackets and long pants 

[[ma...]]

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school." The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!" The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!" The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.

 

[[...]]

Hee! Hee! Hee!   

 

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

 

 

[[Bi...]]

Hee! Hee! Hee!   

 

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

 

 

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[[Bi...]]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[[Bi...]]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[[be...]]

what do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool???

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                  'Bob'

[[...]]

:laugh:

 

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

[[Ar...]]

ROFL

Who was the fruit that conquered the world?

[[...]]

.?? Dunno?

[[Ar...]]

ALEXANDER THE GRAPE!!!!  :D hahaha its soooo CHEESY

[[...]]

:laugh: :laugh:

 

That's why it's so funny!!

 

[[ba...]]

i wish i knew some jokes to say here, the only ones i know are profane or sound racist   i'll give it some thought my memory might refresh and a clean joke might pop up

[[Ar...]]

i wish i knew some jokes to say here, the only ones i know are profane or sound racist   i'll give it some thought my memory might refresh and a clean joke might pop up

Hahaha you're awesome! You look like Zoey dechanel too

 

Knock knock?

[[Bi...]]

what do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool???

 

                                                                                        'Bob'

 

 

 

What do you call a man with no arms legs laying in front of a door??  You tell me 

 

 

[[Bi...]]

i wish i knew some jokes to say here, the only ones i know are profane or sound racist   i'll give it some thought my memory might refresh and a clean joke might pop up

 

LOL,  Any foul jokes will be banished by the mods, keep it clean folks 

[[Bi...]]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

:laugh: :laugh: