JOKE OF THE DAY GROUP

[[jo...]]

That was funny one, joneybo.

 

[[Be...]]

Rusted fire hydrants from the dogs. 

[[Ha...]]

This is a complicated joke and one of my favourites……..

 

A. I was doing a crossword and I got stuck on a word. The clue was ‘ Postman’s Round’

 

B. Ooh that’s tricky, how many letters?

 

A. Hundreds!

 

 

[[Be...]]

I heard a funny joke on Johnny Carson last night.  I thought it was funny because I study grammar.  People were being surveyed about how much they read last year, and one person replied, "I didn't read no books and I didn't buy no books either last year." 

[[no...]]

 I threw a ball for my dog the other day, know it's a little over the top, but he looked great in a Tuxedo.

[[Es...]]

[[Es...]]

[[no...]]

 

A maid asked the Wife of her employer to Increase her Pay

The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

The Maid said: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

The Wife asked: "Who said that?"

The Maid said: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Then Maid said: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

The Wife asked: "Who said that?"

Again Maid said: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Then Maid said: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

The Wife questioned: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Then Maid answered: "No, the gardener did."

 Wife: "So how much do you want?"

 

 

 

[[no...]]

 

 

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, it came down to three applicants- two men and one woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”

The first man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The applicant was promptly dismissed.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

Then he came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “Then you don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn, only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. There was screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

She said, “Geez! You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!

 

[[no...]]

 

A wife says to her husband, "I called the surgery saying I think I'm pregnant, and they said to bring in a specimen. What do they mean?"

He says "I don't know, but Mary next door has been pregnant loads of times, so why not go and ask her?"

So off she goes, and she comes back later with a fat lip, a thick ear, a nosebleed, a black eye, and half her clothing ripped to shreds, and her husband says "What in the name of Jesus, Mary and Joseph and the wee donkey have you been doing?"

And she says, "T’wasn't my fault. I asked Mary what the surgery mean by 'bring in a specimen' and she said 'Go piss in a bottle!'. So of course I said, 'Oh well then, and you can go shit in your purse, Mary Flanagan!' and things went downhill from there."

 

 

 

[[no...]]

 

There was once a prince who had been cursed by a witch. the curse was that he could only say one word each year.

 One day, by the stream, he meets a beautiful princess. He decides that he loves her and doesn't speak for 3 years so that he can save up the words to tell her " I love you".

Then, after the 3 years are up, he realises that he wants to marry her, so he stays silent for another 4 years, so he can ask " will you marry me?"

Well, the day finally comes. he's so excited, and he's kneeling by the fountain with a smile on his face.

He looks up at the princess and says, I love you. will you marry me?

Silence for a second, before she responds sorry what was that?

[[Es...]]

2 hours ago, [[n...] said:

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, it came down to three applicants- two men and one woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”

The first man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The applicant was promptly dismissed.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

Then he came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “Then you don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn, only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. There was screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

She said, “Geez! You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!

This one kicks ass.

[[Es...]]

[[Es...]]

[Guest [...]]

I haven’t laughed so hard in so long

Estee that was hilarious and Nova1 hilarious.

[[Be...]]

estee, that one was funny.

[[no...]]

 

A man walks into a bar.... He says to the bartender, "Hey, if I show you something amazing, can I drink for free?" The bartender agrees, and the man proceeds to pull out a tiny, one-foot-tall man with a miniature piano, places him on the bar, and he begins playing.

"Wow! Okay, your drinks are on the house, but where did you get him from?" says the bartender. "Oh, there's a genie just in the alley behind here, granting a free wish to anyone." replies the man.

The bartender quickly rushes out to the alley, and sure enough there's a genie who asks what he would like. "I wish I had a million quid!" Suddenly, thousands of squids begin to appear, flooding the alley, causing the bartender to rush back into the bar for cover.

He screams to the man "Bloody hell, I wished for a million quid, and he's given me a million squid instead, must be a bit deaf that genie." The man laughs, "Well of course he is, you didn't think I wished for a 12-inch pianist, did you??"

[[no...]]

 

The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant, “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

“That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I’m terribly sorry, but I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps, and this is not accurate at all. I don’t recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again, the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, “No, this just can’t be right! I’ve been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don’t recognize any of these sounds.”

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

“This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps, and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!”

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

“What seems to be the problem, sir?”

“This is an outrage! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!”

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

“I’m terribly sorry, sir. It appears we’ve been playing you the bee side.”

[[Es...]]

[[Es...]]

[[Es...]]

[[An...]]

On 16/08/2023 at 10:44, [[n...] said:

A maid asked the Wife of her employer to Increase her Pay

The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

The Maid said: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

The Wife asked: "Who said that?"

The Maid said: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Then Maid said: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

The Wife asked: "Who said that?"

Again Maid said: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Then Maid said: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

The Wife questioned: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Then Maid answered: "No, the gardener did."

 Wife: "So how much do you want?"

LMAO 😁