6-12 month thread....

[[so...]]

Awesome, Saraa!  AWESOME!!!!!

[[Sa...]]

Sofa,

 

While i'm on a roll here, my prediction for you is that those morning cortisol stuff is loosing steam & windows will stay open all day.

 

[[...]]

Sofa, g33K, Herckie, bubbles, Leo, kinia, Ddd, and all on 6-12

 

I am so happy everyone is seeing a shift in symptoms and intensity. 

 

I certainly have.  I am taking care of let's see a dog who just had 4 teeth extractions today, so back and forth to vet in flood warning.  Looking after my mom 84, my brother who is a guest staying over for a few days, cooking and running erands all being really tired after having partied last night until 1 am.  Today i was scared of the tiredness, thinking OMG how do i get rid of being tired.  Am i going to freak out or am i going to go under, just holding my breath not knowing how to unwind.  BUT Nothing happend!  I am confused

 

Yes i had the symptoms at play in the background like the numb chin and calf vibration but to a lesser degree.  I had the depression but to a lesser degree.  A doable degree.  Yes i feel vulnerable yet strangely very strong. 

 

I call it the pinball machine of the nervous system recovery.  That silver ball hits all different targets making all sorts of noise.  From right to left, up and down it forcefully pings off one target to head for another this time perhaps stroking it softly with a whisper, then again a loud ping, so much hoopla before finally rolling down inspite all efforts, it falls down.  Game over and we have won! Buddies we will win.

 

Good Night all, Wish everyone a great night and an even better tomorrow. As i sleep I will do my usual visualization, day dreaming about all the things i love to do and say f..k it to the rest on my to do list.  I am so happy and amazed at how i was not able to walk or talk about a month ago now i am superwoman.  What the heck?

 

Saraa- you say that about a month ago you could not walk or talk but from the previous posts I've read on you you were able to fully function can you explain.  and I struggle with my physical symptoms  a great importance to me  what you went to last month that I struggle physically everyday and how it's improved for you you seem to have gone through a lot of windows where I've had pretty  much None

[[...]]

Sofa, g33K, Herckie, bubbles, Leo, kinia, Ddd, and all on 6-12

 

I am so happy everyone is seeing a shift in symptoms and intensity. 

 

I certainly have.  I am taking care of let's see a dog who just had 4 teeth extractions today, so back and forth to vet in flood warning.  Looking after my mom 84, my brother who is a guest staying over for a few days, cooking and running erands all being really tired after having partied last night until 1 am.  Today i was scared of the tiredness, thinking OMG how do i get rid of being tired.  Am i going to freak out or am i going to go under, just holding my breath not knowing how to unwind.  BUT Nothing happend!  I am confused

 

Yes i had the symptoms at play in the background like the numb chin and calf vibration but to a lesser degree.  I had the depression but to a lesser degree.  A doable degree.  Yes i feel vulnerable yet strangely very strong. 

 

I call it the pinball machine of the nervous system recovery.  That silver ball hits all different targets making all sorts of noise.  From right to left, up and down it forcefully pings off one target to head for another this time perhaps stroking it softly with a whisper, then again a loud ping, so much hoopla before finally rolling down inspite all efforts, it falls down.  Game over and we have won! Buddies we will win.

 

Good Night all, Wish everyone a great night and an even better tomorrow. As i sleep I will do my usual visualization, day dreaming about all the things i love to do and say f..k it to the rest on my to do list.  I am so happy and amazed at how i was not able to walk or talk about a month ago now i am superwoman.  What the heck?

 

Saraa- you say that about a month ago you could not walk or talk but from the previous posts I've read on you you were able to fully function can you explain.  and I struggle with my physical symptoms  a great importance to me  what you went to last month that I struggle physically everyday and how it's improved for you you seem to have gone through a lot of windows where I've had pretty  much None

 

Well if Saraas patterns are anything like mine.......

 

The peaks of my waves I was miserable and bed ridden on either side of the peak I was non-functional.  But at the peaks of my windows I was functional.

 

When I recollect on how I feel from one month to the next, I think the bad has a tendency to out-shadow the good. That kind of skews my account of my healing.  Yet if I go back through my posts, I too will have posted about feeling ok and doing chores or projects. 

 

That's a 100% human trait in my opinion.    It happens in my occupation all the time.  A customer of mine who has a good experience with my company will tell one or two people at most about it.  A customer who had a bad experience with my company will tell anyone and everyone about it and probably never forget it. A customer who has had both positive and negative experiences will likely only recall the negatives when it comes to word of mouth.

 

I feel this applies to many of us in our healing process.  It's very easy to forget the good days when the bad days are sooooo bad.  The bad days just keep coming and you constantly doubt your recovery.  I do it every single time I slip back into a wave.  EVERY SINGLE TIME.  The slip back is mentally drain in it's own way.  The windows get your hopes up.  The wave that follows the window crushes those hopes.

 

That's when I'm posting at 3 am about how life sucks.

 

 

[[Sa...]]

Ddd,

 

At about 9.5-11 months i was a total veg.  Now you say i said that i had said i was fully functional then.  Could you tell me which post during that time i has said i was fully functional? 

During that time i did a lot of pm's to people like Challis, Morreweg, and others in total despair.  You can check with them if you don't believe me.

Yes, when i was living that hell i was trying to be careful not to post the total nightmare on elm street posts not to scare new comers here but i  never then or now will say i am good when i am not or visa versa.  I maybe hopeful in the throws of feeling like crap and count the things i was able to do in order to be positive but that is all.  The truth and nothing but the truth.

 

Ddd,  Yes we are all different, personalitites and pasts but i do think you will get better and better maybe slowly at time, tricles and then sudden turn around at other times till this thing is gone.

 

Hang in there buddy as its slowly changing.

This morninig i was noticing the change in my leg muscles where it looked like melted wax a year ago.  The weight also came back up due to feeling better where it had again gone down during the 9.5-11 months ordeal.

If i had a wish for something to get leave off now it would be the head stuff. 

 

Ok, please ask me anything you want.  I hope i have cleared up your concerns about my posts if not, please copy and paste a post that is contrary to what i have said and i can try to see what was happening then and perhaps can clear it up.

 

Hugs

S

 

[[so...]]

Hi Buddies,

 

3:45am something weird and frightening happened.  I jolted awake with my heart pounding and racing at over 150 BPM!  It went back down after about 15-20 sec.  I've never had this in 14 months!  Has anyone else experienced this?  Scared me to death!

 

Saraa,

 

I so hope you are right about the cortisol mornings.  You always give me encouragement.  Thank you.

 

Ddd,

 

I think our chronicles of this journey are as chaotic, up and down, looping and thrashing as we are currently experiencing the events that unfold.  We are all looking for patterns we can count on in ourselves and in other buddies' accounts.  It would give us some comfort and security knowing what to expect.  Unfortunately, this roller coaster ride doesn't work that way.  We are in a washing machine of symptoms that toss us around frantically each day without mercy or logic.  We cling to the belief this insanity will cease one day, as healed people tell us.  Just hang on to the roll bar until the ride is over.

 

Love, Sofa

[[MT...]]

It's helpful to hear about folks seeing improvement. I like the idea that around 14 months this could lift more. A month ago I was feeling pretty hopeful. I was having more frequent bouts of windows where I could do fun things like hiking then the symptoms gradually crept back.

 

Today, after another very bad night, I got up weak, stomach upset, with diarrhea, all my paresthesias flaring and it feels impossible to do anything but just survive. I want to believe I can turn a corner soon. These bitch-slapped waves are hard to stand sometimes. I'm thankful though that I don't have to work today or take care of anyone else. I can just chill.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Sofa, I had that happen with my heartrate earlier on. It is scary and feels so uncomfortable. It feels like you're dying. That was a brutal cortisol rush. I'm glad it went away after a bit.

 

MT

[[so...]]

Bless you MT,

 

It was truly awful!  Very scary to have something happen 14 months out that is like nothing you've ever experienced.  My heart rate has always stayed elevated, but not like this rushing onslaught like someone used a defibrillator on me!

 

Do you think my heart is okay?

 

Love, Sofa

[[so...]]

MT,

 

I'm so sorry you're in a rough wave.  It will pass, sweetheart, and you'll have a higher baseline.

 

Love, Sofa

[[...]]

Ddd,

 

At about 9.5-11 months i was a total veg.  Now you say i said that i had said i was fully functional then.  Could you tell me which post during that time i has said i was fully functional? 

During that time i did a lot of pm's to people like Challis, Morreweg, and others in total despair.  You can check with them if you don't believe me.

Yes, when i was living that hell i was trying to be careful not to post the total nightmare on elm street posts not to scare new comers here but i  never then or now will say i am good when i am not or visa versa.  I maybe hopeful in the throws of feeling like crap and count the things i was able to do in order to be positive but that is all.  The truth and nothing but the truth.

 

Ddd,  Yes we are all different, personalitites and pasts but i do think you will get better and better maybe slowly at time, tricles and then sudden turn around at other times till this thing is gone.

 

Hang in there buddy as its slowly changing.

This morninig i was noticing the change in my leg muscles where it looked like melted wax a year ago.  The weight also came back up due to feeling better where it had again gone down during the 9.5-11 months ordeal.

If i had a wish for something to get leave off now it would be the head stuff. 

 

Ok, please ask me anything you want.  I hope i have cleared up your concerns about my posts if not, please copy and paste a post that is contrary to what i have said and i can try to see what was happening then and perhaps can clear it up.

 

Hugs

S

 

Saraa-  I'm sorry if I offended you I never thought you lied or were a lie but underneath what you post shows that you felt perfect almost healed at 7 months just leave me to feel that you are functioning just right.  maybe I miss read some of your posts I'm sorry about that I'm just scared because it almost 11 months I have a lot of weakness and shaking in to do just simple chores takes everything I have.  showering is hard I can't even drY myself off  we looked other people's experiences to help us feel like we're OK and its normal what we're going through going cold turkey was devastating to my body and my brain.  I have never had a window where I feel good enough to get up and be able to do anything most of my days been pacing in my backyard just walking trying to build up my muscles .  kind of brush my teeth my brain doesn't comprehend the motions and I'm supposed to do in my left arm if I try to use it for something it shakes a radically and unable to make it function the way it should even the simple things that we used to just do by instinct.  I find that your post have always been positive so please forgive me if I insulted you not my intention.  you have calmed me down and make me feel better and your previous post just trying to make sure what I'm going through is actually something somebody else has gone through and is normal if you can call it that

[[Sa...]]

Ddd,

 

You didn't offend me at all sweetheart.  I merely thought that you thought that my posts didn't add up and i just wanted to clarify.

Yes, i was functional by pushing and i had very good days, lots of windows up to the 9.5 month downturn to worse than acute.

 

I am sorry that you have not been functional at all for a whole year.  That makes me so mad and sad to hear that you weren't even able to push yourself which is what i did a lot but was fortunate to be able to do for 9.5 months.  But for a month and half i was not able to even for the life of me.  Then it lifted and magically for no reason at all.  Currently i have a lot of ups and downs and mental stuff mainly, the physical i can deal with like the vibration and lethargy.  But the mental, the brain stuff is what i have a hard time with.  I feel my brain has been damaged BUT a huge but is that i feel its getting stronger in increments ever so slowly but surely.

 

Ddd, you being scared has imo to do more with the amygdala which is the fear center of brain that has been effected by the benzos.  It will recover for sure.  You will not live your life being scared that you are going to be the same for the rest of your life.  I believe this inspite you not having had any windows or being semi functional for this long.

 

You i believe will see your symptoms ease and see the beauty of life once again very very soon.  Please please don't loose heart.  I have seen it here and read it over and over again.  People who wanted to give up at a year's time or even up to 14 months.  But then suddenly the cloud lifts, they get their muscles and mood back, energy and zest for life comes into their lives that they can't even make sense what caused it.

 

Anytime no matter how many times you can pm me or write here and ask me questions or you can just vent.  So many times people here saved me and turned my symptoms around by listening to me and reassuring me.  This is why we are here, for each other, yes, to ease symptoms and help to bring about window.  Windows for me have always come by encouragment, reassurement, if there's such a word, love and connections etc etc.  Vitamin D drops and i say nothing but nothing helps me more than a glass of freshly squeezed organic apple juice and carrot juice.  For me those are windows in a glass.  Literally windows in a glass.

 

Hang on sweetheart i am willing to make a bet, $'s, that your muscles are waking up as we speak that's why you feel them now being weak, yes feeling the weakness of your muscles and not being able to move them as the ability in the shower i believe has to do with your brain starting to sense them and communicate with them.  I am willing to make a bet on that and that your muscles are about to go to work for you as we speak.

 

Love you Ddd, i am here anytime you need to talk.  Smile, you will get well no IFs and buts about it :smitten:

 

 

[[...]]

Ddd,

 

You didn't offend me at all sweetheart.  I merely thought that you thought that my posts didn't add up and i just wanted to clarify.

Yes, i was functional by pushing and i had very good days, lots of windows up to the 9.5 month downturn to worse than acute.

 

I am sorry that you have not been functional at all for a whole year.  That makes me so mad and sad to hear that you weren't even able to push yourself which is what i did a lot but was fortunate to be able to do for 9.5 months.  But for a month and half i was not able to even for the life of me.  Then it lifted and magically for no reason at all.  Currently i have a lot of ups and downs and mental stuff mainly, the physical i can deal with like the vibration and lethargy.  But the mental, the brain stuff is what i have a hard time with.  I feel my brain has been damaged BUT a huge but is that i feel its getting stronger in increments ever so slowly but surely.

 

Ddd, you being scared has imo to do more with the amygdala which is the fear center of brain that has been effected by the benzos.  It will recover for sure.  You will not live your life being scared that you are going to be the same for the rest of your life.  I believe this inspite you not having had any windows or being semi functional for this long.

 

You i believe will see your symptoms ease and see the beauty of life once again very very soon.  Please please don't loose heart.  I have seen it here and read it over and over again.  People who wanted to give up at a year's time or even up to 14 months.  But then suddenly the cloud lifts, they get their muscles and mood back, energy and zest for life comes into their lives that they can't even make sense what caused it.

 

Anytime no matter how many times you can pm me or write here and ask me questions or you can just vent.  So many times people here saved me and turned my symptoms around by listening to me and reassuring me.  This is why we are here, for each other, yes, to ease symptoms and help to bring about window.  Windows for me have always come by encouragment, reassurement, if there's such a word, love and connections etc etc.  Vitamin D drops and i say nothing but nothing helps me more than a glass of freshly squeezed organic apple juice and carrot juice.  For me those are windows in a glass.  Literally windows in a glass.

 

Hang on sweetheart i am willing to make a bet, $'s, that your muscles are waking up as we speak that's why you feel them now being weak, yes feeling the weakness of your muscles and not being able to move them as the ability in the shower i believe has to do with your brain starting to sense them and communicate with them.  I am willing to make a bet on that and that your muscles are about to go to work for you as we speak.

 

Love you Ddd, i am here anytime you need to talk.  Smile, you will get well no IFs and buts about it :smitten:

 

 

all I can say is you made me cry but a good cry happy cry I pray you're right thank you for being so sweet and such a godsend for answering with such a positive attitude god bless you

[[Sa...]]

[[...]]

Sofa,

 

I had episodes exactly as you describe when I was in the 2 weeks crossover from zopiclone to clonazepam.

 

my bouts of tachycardia would last 5 -10 mins usually.

 

It would go down like this:

 

I would become awake in bed instantly. 

Without even having moved I would get a HUGE shot of cortisol. 

Then I would get tachycardia.

Then I would get waves of extreme fatigue where I would feel like the life was literally draining out of me.

Then as it passed, I would have shaky muscles.

 

I went to the ER 3 times, scared out of my mind, over this.  I had it a few times after that but to a lesser degree

 

I haven't had it since,  THANK GOD

[[MT...]]

Bless you MT,

 

It was truly awful!  Very scary to have something happen 14 months out that is like nothing you've ever experienced.  My heart rate has always stayed elevated, but not like this rushing onslaught like someone used a defibrillator on me!

 

Do you think my heart is okay?

 

Love, Sofa

 

Sofa, I think your heart is probably OK. So many of us have these symptoms. When I've had it, it often lasted much longer. Now I try to be thankful when I have periods of time when my heartrate is normal.

 

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I'm remembering you were pretty bad off about a month ago so that you're seeing improvement now it great.

 

MT

[[Sa...]]

Sofa,

 

When we get checked out by the doc it helps to reassure us that this thing really is withdrawal.  Its an easy peace of mind.

 

IMO, i its like the brain is checking connections to the organs, recalibrating of sorts.  Especially when its in a jolt like fashion that we have become accustomed from time to time.  If it was constant, built up gradually i would be more concerned.  But if you could see a doc to like i said have that added assurance it'll be good to ease your mind.

 

I hope you're keeping dry and comfortable in this rain till they both blow over. 

Hugs

 

 

[[Le...]]

Hi Buddies,

 

3:45am something weird and frightening happened.  I jolted awake with my heart pounding and racing at over 150 BPM!  It went back down after about 15-20 sec.  I've never had this in 14 months!  Has anyone else experienced this?  Scared me to death!

 

Yes! Absolutely. Waking up confused scared and very disoriented. There were times I thought I was really in bad shape. Truly losing it but alas its our old nemesis withdrawal. Shortly after that Instarted having strange anxiety for no good reason sessions then poof, good bye. I have yet to experience this again and I am thankful for that..

 

Recovery is inevitable!!

 

Leo

[[Sa...]]

Recovery is inevitable!!

 

Leo

 

 

Here, here!

[[so...]]

Thank you, Leo and Saraa,

 

You are my beacons of light in this storm.  I will have my heart checked out (had a 24 hour Holter monitor 5 months ago) if it happens again.  Thank you for the reassurance!

 

Love, Sofa

[[Sa...]]

Wishing everyone a good nights sleep 

 

[[...]]

had a nice little break from the cortisol rushes, but they are back.

 

My sleep has been suffering for a few different reasons the last week so that's probably contributing to the return of this lovely symptom.

[[...]]

okay so one week from 11 - month and what's happening now is just instinct movements are really tough to do tried to brush my teeth and literally had to force my right hand to the motions and feel like my brain was pulling against me at the same time. Is this normal your brain, against your mobility having to force move inside should be instinct

[[so...]]

Ddd,

 

This is so normal in WD, having to consciously think about doing things that used to be automatic.  The automatic things are a chore.  I feel drugged all the time, which contributes to me having to think deliberately about doing everything.  This is my third day without the drugged feeling, so there is hope that this will leave permanently.

 

How is everyone else doing?  What is getting better for everybody?

 

Love, Sofa

[[...]]

Ddd,

 

This is so normal in WD, having to consciously think about doing things that used to be automatic.  The automatic things are a chore.  I feel drugged all the time, which contributes to me having to think deliberately about doing everything.  This is my third day without the drugged feeling, so there is hope that this will leave permanently.

 

How is everyone else doing?  What is getting better for everybody?

 

Love, Sofa

 

Sofa-  I'm glad the drug dealing has left you for 3 days I have it today.  my left side is been weeks since it began but now I've noticed in the last 2 months that I struggle to use my right.  I'm unable to put my hair up and had to have my husband do that for me today so discouraging.  it seems like from the 10th month now going into the 11th extreme weakness and fatigue and now I'm able to do the motions of everyday things like I used to it was difficult before but now it seems like I struggle and my brain pills when I try to do something.  it scary I wonder if I'll ever has mobility like I used to have before.  my left leg shuffles and I can't raise my left arm enough to go ahead and wash my hair or put my hair up I have to use my right for everything and now my right is starting to struggle.  chores such as taking a shower or dressing is really tough and I have to get myself and make myself ready for it because it's just so hard to do.  scary at 48 years old.  I was just wondering if others seem like they were going downhill and then mobility as they got closer to the one year mark

[[so...]]

Ddd,

 

I've read many stories on BB about "left sided" symptoms that eventually move to the right side, then vanish.  It is encouraging that you already have noticed the shift.

 

I know you're having a rough time, Ddd, but it gets better after the first year.

 

Love, Sofa