6-12 month thread....

[[No...]]

Peace ... "So what happened?  I feel like it's time to let go, to stop trying not to go crazy, to relax into this and see what happens. I'm so tired of fighting. The path of least resistance. I'll let you know how it goes."

 

A little "relaxed" craziness ... I am able to find that place from time to time ... standing out on my balcony ... feet apart ... arms raised ... middle finger on both hands extended upward ... breathing deeply ... I call this "position" the "Benzo Mudra" ...

 

I smile and keep breathing ... a little more gets "released" ...

 

[[No...]]

GMIT ... on my own for 5 days ... Mrs Nova left for her miniaturist group camp this morning ... back Monday evening ... feeling a little "captured" and stuck here at home on my own ... oh well ... she has been doing this for several years and I survived each one ...

 

"Noise" is upsetting ... my startle reflex is working overtime ... its all the drug aftermath ...

 

Hope you are having a "quiet" day ...

[[No...]]

Garton ... I try to hold the "future" close ... trying not to get too "extended" ... and it is difficult when we are aware of "down the road" possibilities ...

 

And, we are "living" right here, right now ... that's why hugs work ... this next breath is the one that "matters" ...

[[No...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Wednesday, Sep. 24

 

Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, "Grow, grow."

 

The Talmud

 

[[wh...]]

Jrod  that's exactly where I am right now. 

This board and these amazing friends are what get me through these really bad days.

It is the nature of this beast I guess so I just acknowledge it; come here for validation and hopefully help someone along the way.

Thanks everyone; another day of mental anguish and starting to get stomach stuff....what a ride.

When we go to Disneyworld in May I will not be afraid of any rides like I used to be....this is the scariest ride ever.

 

[[No...]]

Hi Whoot ... snuck a peek, supposed to be working ... hang on my friend ... I am "floating" in a swirl of physical stuff as well ... take care ... later ...

[[mi...]]

Hi everyone... I was reading and thought I would share this Quote by Winston Churchill....

 

        "When I had no roof I made Audacity my roof.....Never, never, never give up"

 

That just seems to fit this journey....m...

[[ga...]]

Nova....hold the future close.  Great advice....always trying to remind myself don't look ahead and stay in the now....Love hearing those reminders.  Got to get it through my thick head!!

[[Co...]]

Hi Minnie...happy to see you here...and thank you again for that wonderful article by the Canadian physician...helped me so much to cultivate a patient attitude about healing and trying to ' relax ' into the second year. I know it will be easier than year one....wishing you a very good day ..  coop

[[Co...]]

Nova...sorry to hear that your s/x are in parade formation. Those days are hard. Nova,  the statement by the Canadian physician that Minnie posted ..and Green re-posted.. came originally by Whoot ( few pages back) ...was such a help to me.  I hope it resonated with you too. You are almost one year..with an " in the moment " practice no less. I work on that one daily..that article reinforced that greatly for me. This second year coming up is feeling promising.

....So you arr just kicking around on your own...that could be mischief.  Thank you Nova for hanging out with us and helping us get through this ' mental illness ' of w/d....love to you Nova....coop

[[He...]]

UGH...tough day.  :'(  LOTS of anxiety that is all physical anxiety (chest tightness, weird currents under my skin that makes it feel like something is going to short-curcuit, nausea, shaking, some head pressure, some dizziness), with a layer of fear for good measure.  I just feel awful and have been fighting it since I woke up and I had that dread feeling that comes around.  I probably should have went for a walk this morning, but I didn't.  Stayed in bed and hid under my covers for as long as I could.  I am struggling to hang in here for the day, but I will give it my best. 

 

I don't understand the non-linear style of healing this brings with it.  It just is really hard to accept feeling good and then feeling like I am plunging backwards.  It's mentally taxing...but I am holding on to what that doctor said regarding staying strong so WHEN (not if) the waves come up, even the really bad ones, I don't make it worse for myself.  I think I have some additional anxiety about healing because I really held on to the 14 month mark.  I thought for sure I'd be done by then.  That article does help to quiet some of my "it's me, I'm the ONE" fears.  Two years.  24 months. Lots of good days, some bad days.  I'll hit 15 months a week from today.  That means I still have 9 months left of healing, and it's normal.  Deep exhale, feeling some relief with that.  It's normal and I'm still healing. 

 

OK, I can do this.  WE can do this. 

 

 

[[mi...]]

Hi HH......that is such a tough place to be.....sometimes there was just nothing that could comfort me.....and yet somehow those days passed....and the tiring journey continued.....we all believe somewhere inside that we will heal....the hard part for me was....getting through the in between days.....you are doing the best you can in this moment....it will lift again....

 

Hang on HH better days are coming ...m..

 

[[Co...]]

HH...I hate to hear that you are having such a tough day. ..Me too...I was so focused on the first year. At 10 months I got one of my worst s/x...head pressure and dizziness. I have been frantic and full of anxiety. The article ht the Canadian physician also helped me...huge help to calm down a little and lean into this second year with less emphasis on push push push to "get all of my life back ". Now I am trying to work with whatever is in front of me ( not as easy as it sounds as we all know).

.....It has to be discouraging to get to a year and have this kind of wave. I hope it lets up over the day. Some of my waves are much shorter now...sometimes more intense but shorter. However this last wave was 3/4 weeks but seems to be fading and leaving a better baseline. 

...Hold on HH..this wave will lift and you will be back to where you were before it descended on you....wishing you a a much better afternoon....coop

[[No...]]

Coop ... hmmmm ... yes a little mischief please ... going to the library after "work" ... that's where I am supposed to be now ... picking up a movie on hold for me "Marley & Me" ... mischief on the hoof, or rather paw ... later ...

[[No...]]

I am one year out this September, and I'm feeling so good!

[[Co...]]

Nova.  Enjoy that book it is so great. The movie...not so much. Glad you got to the library.. enjoy your ' on your own days '...eat some chocolate ánd take up the whole bed...leave the dishes in the sink.  ..keep writing to us of your ' free range ' mischief ...coop

[[Co...]]

Glee!....do happy to see you....Oh,  CONGRATULATIONS!!!...Boy that is manna from heaven for us to hear....that you are feeling so much better...I am doing a happy dance for you

....Tell us more!...What has improved? ..What are you doing...are you out and about?....Do you feel that you have your life mostly back?...

.....That is such sweet sweet news...thank you so much for sharing that with us.. it is hugely encouraging.....coop

[[al...]]

Congratulations NotGleeful - your post is well timed - a lot of us, including me, are still struggling. Thank you for the post - I was just feeling down and then I saw your post.

 

HealingHope, sorry to hear of your suffering. I can relate. I have been listening to hypnosis meditations for the relief of panic and anxiety - it has taken the edge off.

 

It seems like it has been a tough time lately for some of us. Sending out best wishes for better days for all of us.

 

~Allie

[[wh...]]

Hi everyone.  hanging on with you all.  Nova you crack me up....

Bad dp/dr today....tight chest....stomach....health anxiety......... :'(

Sorry Nova, HH...I'm there with you though.  I don't know how we get thru these days....but we do.

Hi Minnie; glad you are hanging out here.

I'm just going to try to watch TV now...got some stew in the slow cooker...monumental task as it was....OMG....

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

[[li...]]

Hi Minnie...happy to see you here...and thank you again for that wonderful article by the Canadian physician...helped me so much to cultivate a patient attitude about healing and trying to ' relax ' into the second year. I know it will be easier than year one....wishing you a very good day ..  coop

 

HI everyone, in a retreat for the head... It is close to a non judgmental intentional community as possible. Here is one things that I know for sure now. As hard as it may be to figure out windows can be welcomed with a change n environment or positive reinforcement I have a few good day up here. The first is a 6 week prior wave. I guess what I realize is that windows can be ushered in with positive reinforcement for our environment. Just wanted to check in and say hello. Love to all. This whole process is so tough but we will make it. That is a fact!

 

God bless you all.

 

Life

[[Sk...]]

Hello everybody, just checking in after a day in hell. I am on my way to bed so I checked in to see what's up.

 

My brain today is far worse than usual, my mind wanders more and I was unable to folllow a silly movie on Tv. Reading is hard too. I had not been that bad concentration wise, in a few months, it sure brought me back to the beginning.

 

Strong vibrations, but at least today, the whole thing did not discourage me. And that is soo important.

 

I read a buddy before saying she as at one year and is feeling great. I hope she will elaborate.

 

Please, about the canadian doctor's article, I find the two year timeframe so depressing, especially after days like today. Rationally, I understand that two years is a realistic assessment, but my rational side  isn't  in charge at the moment. I am glad you all found the article encouraging, but I would have phrased it differently especially for people in wd, a day feels like a year. Just because it is true it doesn't mean I have to obsess about it.

 

I know that two years doesn't mean that every single day will be like today, I know that she means it takes two years to be completely healed, but as I said, these days, rationality is not my scene. Anyway, if she meant it, she could have said it, there are very sick people here and people in wd have cognitive problems, and I am one of them, big time !

 

Sorry I criticized it , I know you  all found the article very inspiring but  another year of this madness is a thought that could break all the sanity I have been fighting to keep in wd.

 

Take care everybody, have a good night. 

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Good Morning Folks ...

 

"Fear" ... "Crazy" ... "Split" ... "Health" .... yes, yes, and yes ...

 

Seems the one in charge of my healing had to take every symptom I have been through out yesterday and dust it off, take a good look at it, "review" it and then "exercise" it ... and whatever this process is the one in charge is not satisfied yet ... the "parade" continues this morning ...

 

I was "allowed" a bit a sleep .... back to sitting here with my seatbelt fastened ...

 

I read every post yesterday, slowly ... and sent a hug each time ... and I used up so much energy getting thru the day I could not respond in the moment ... I felt that if I "spent" one more iota of energy I might "break" ... and it is "difficult" this morning "focusing" outside myself ...

 

And I need to post ... as much for myself as perhaps for others ...

 

This stuff is "real" ... it is "actually happening" ... I am not making this "process" up ... I am living it ... this is not "fiction" ... I am in the "autobiography" section of the library ... this is not some "dream", not some "nightmare", not a piece of "active imagination" ...

 

And, for me, this "means" something very, very precious ... I am whole ... I am strong ... I am resilient ... I am living ... I want to open the window and just start shouting ... "I am here" ... and the sense of another "release" ... another milestone ... I am "waking up" ... still yawning and stretching and "unsteady" ...

 

Too much "stuff" "swirling" around in my mindful little head this morning ... maybe just a little "manic" once again ... okay, fine ...

 

Here is perhaps the "gist" of this ... "validation" ... "self-validation" ... and even when the "outside" community is "confused" with us, is perhaps a little "fearful" for us ... perhaps "feels" "powerless" to "help" us ... perhaps a little "lost" in how they can express their love for us ... we, each and every one of us, have the possibility to do this for ourselves ... each day ... well, maybe not each day ... however, this self validation is getting a little stronger, a little louder each day ...

 

And that is what we are doing for each other on this thread ... validating ... acknowledging ... encouraging ... for ourselves and each other ...

 

When I "respond" to one of you with a message of reassurance there is oftentimes "more" there than I am acknowledging ... when I say "you are strong" I am also saying "I am strong" ... when I say "you will get through this" ... I am also saying "I will get through this" ... there is an "echo" in each post that I need to hear ... to take in ... to acknowledge ... I am not only validating you, I am validating myself ...

 

Perhaps all of you already "know" this, and I am just catching up ... listen for the "echo" ... take a moment and breathe it in ... "reassurance" and "soothing" is a two-way street ... we give and we receive ... I need to acknowledge the blessings that I give ... and the blessing that I am ...

 

Okay, stepping down from my "soapbox" for a while ...

 

Namaste ... for each of you and for myself ...

 

 

That about says it all, Nova.  It feels like a life lesson, giving, and receiving back tenfold.

 

You said you have your seatbelt on. I hope you're not getting hit with too many branches, hope the storm is brief.

[[Gr...]]

coop, mrsalw,....Thank you for your responses and most of all your understanding.  Green...I have had issues with benign pvcs mostly occurring at rest for 30 years or so, well before using the benzos.  Had two ablations to try and correct the problem.  Did alleviate the skips.  He knows about my history. He feels this is just a change that has occurred in the last six months totally unrelated to the Ativan usage.  For so many years those skips occurred at times while the heart rate was slow.  This time, however, the skips go crazy while exercising.  He is not an alarmist.  Just the fact I have to wait over a month to start testing is going to be difficult to say the least.  I guess I should relax since he didn't rush me in saying it needed to be done immediately.  Good sign he is not to concerned.  He says they may be nothing or possibly something that could be treated by meds or another ablation.  Slight chance it could be something more serious but not to concerned.

 

Well, I guess I shouldn't be to surprised that I awoke at 3 a.m. thinking about this and got myself all worked up to the point I couldn't sleep.  It is going to be a struggle for the next month with this hanging over me.  I just have to accept it.  Worst case, I will have an ablation and be out of work for awhile.  I start going into the future and worrying about all my fears of the unknown.  What might happen. 

 

Whoot...I read your post and can so much empathize with what you are dealing with.  So many of the same concerns and fears I have dealt with and am still dealing with.  I am going to get back to reading the book I told you about.  It does address so much of what we are dealing with.  Toxic thinking that needs to be changed. I just need to sleep a bit so I can sit down and really focus on the words in the book.  We have to keep at it.  We will manage to get through it.  Stay strong and know that I am thinking of you. 

 

My wife who is 55 just saw a new doctor yesterday.  She has to go in for an ultra sound on her remaining ovary.  She has dealt with a bout of stage 1 breast cancer ten years ago along with two superficial melanomas over the last 30 years.  I get so worked up worrying about her.  She is not concerned at all and says it's just a preventative test to monitor her as she ages. Routine.  How come I am the one that gets so worked up.  That old fear that it may be something and I may end up alone some day.  How freaking senseless is it to get excited at this point.  Completely useless worry on my part.  One more thing to keep me awake at night.  Got to turn my brain off for the next few weeks.

 

Thanks again for listening to my venting.  Just need to write at this point.  Best to all of you dealing with hardships.  It is not fun but we will make it!!

 

Gart, I had an ablation in 2012.  After I read your post, I ran to Google my stuff.  What I read coincides with your cardiologist's attitude -- it's nothing to get too worried about.  It has to be monitored, but it's okay.  And then they listed a bunch of world class athletes  who had had the procedure and competed just fine.  So hopefully he can control it with meds or another procedure.

 

As for your wife being calm.  I used to worry all the time and my ex would sleep fine.  Except I noticed when I stopped worrying, he got frantic.  Your wife doesn't worry because she knows you've got it covered!

[[Gr...]]

UGH...tough day.  :'(  LOTS of anxiety that is all physical anxiety (chest tightness, weird currents under my skin that makes it feel like something is going to short-curcuit, nausea, shaking, some head pressure, some dizziness), with a layer of fear for good measure.  I just feel awful and have been fighting it since I woke up and I had that dread feeling that comes around.  I probably should have went for a walk this morning, but I didn't.  Stayed in bed and hid under my covers for as long as I could.  I am struggling to hang in here for the day, but I will give it my best. 

 

I don't understand the non-linear style of healing this brings with it.  It just is really hard to accept feeling good and then feeling like I am plunging backwards.  It's mentally taxing...but I am holding on to what that doctor said regarding staying strong so WHEN (not if) the waves come up, even the really bad ones, I don't make it worse for myself.  I think I have some additional anxiety about healing because I really held on to the 14 month mark.  I thought for sure I'd be done by then.  That article does help to quiet some of my "it's me, I'm the ONE" fears.  Two years.  24 months. Lots of good days, some bad days.  I'll hit 15 months a week from today.  That means I still have 9 months left of healing, and it's normal.  Deep exhale, feeling some relief with that.  It's normal and I'm still healing. 

 

OK, I can do this.  WE can do this.

 

HH, I found the doctor article positive, but I was also a little upset.  Two years seems so overwhelming.  But Coop has it right, we can't have arbitrary timelines for healing, or we're going to be very, very upset when we get these waves.  That has always knocked me for a loop, thinking I'm better and then the next wave.  And remember, you're going to have far more good days.  So hang in there.

 

I looked up National Glacier Park, it looks so beautiful.  I promised myself a trip, hiking maybe, when I'm better

[[No...]]

Green ... my "hard hat" deflects all those branches ... it is kinda' cool to get knocked about when it doesn't hurt ... 

 

Sort of like benzo recovery ... humming along minding my own business, or someone else's as the case may be, and "whack" ... wobble a little, and keep going ... then "whack" ... wobble again ... keep going again ... gotta speak with the folks who "maintain" this "benzo track" ... the decal on my hat says  "got the block head covered whack away" ...

 

Thanks for the "pick me up" ...