6-12 month thread....

[[Gr...]]

HealingHope. Beulah, thanks for both posting such encouraging posts !

 

Healing, I can just see that scrapbook filling up and being completed.

 

About working helping in wd.

Yesterday I was in a bad way, and I had an online lesson. I saved myself for it, I paced my activities and naps for that one hour, I was so scared of missing it.

But then, after the lesson, when I expected to crash, I actually felt better and went on normally till, by evening, I got as well as I can get, given the circumstances.

My thing is extremely part time, hopefully this month I will get more students, but I am starting to look forward to my lessons because after, I usually feel better. It hasn't always been this way but normally it has been invigorating.

 

For example, yesterday, during the lesson, the skype connection started being awful. I could barely  hear my student , it was as if a giant vamuum cleaner were going on and on in my ears. Technical glitch not benzo stuff !

The student heard me well  so I pretended I was hearing everything, I asked him to repeat when I did not understand him and resisted the urge to raise my voice.

 

All in all, I was pretty coolheaded given the circumstances.

 

Just 6 months ago, I was too scared to go to the bathroom alone, so this is something good.

 

Well, happy healing to eveybody today. 

 

Way to go, Sky.  I'm really happy for you. 

[[Gr...]]

Hi Friends,

I hope you are all going OK this weekend.  At least we are one day further along the path!

 

I have been in a bit of a wave this weekend, which is a bother for me, but it is no where close to what used to be considered a wave.  Here is my wave at 14 months out: 

          Woke up feeling some fear and anxiety, but was able to sleep in (I haven't woke up at 4:00 in months!).  Felt somewhat hollow, anxious, depressed, almost like I could cry.  It mostly went away shortly after getting out of bed, but was enough where I thought "this is definitely w/d".

          Some bouts of chest tightness and weird breathing patterns (almost like I keep holding my breath)

          Some waves of anxiety that hit at random times throughout the day.  Not anything close to panic, but definitely there and uncomfortable.

          Occasional head pressure that pops up and some lightheadedness.

          More tired than usual. 

 

The positive is that throughout today, while feeling all of those symptoms, I have also felt joy (it is SOOOOO good to not be constantly depressed anymore!!).  I planned the menu for the week and went grocery shopping, precooked the taco meat for Taco Tuesday, cleaned the parts of the house, been working on laundry, in process of making tonight's dinner, in process of cooking split pea soup for Saturday's dinner (we have an out of town volleyball tournament that day), and am about ready to sit down and write another paper for my masters program.  I even treated myself to an iced latte....and ordered a 1/2-caff rather than decaf!  All this while in a wave! 

 

I tell you this not to gloat, but to share how things improve.  I think back to how weekends used to be for me while I was between 6 - 12 months out and I am amazed with how much better I am.  Several of you know this, but when I was 7 months off I had anxiety SO bad that I had to turn around and come home from trying to take my daughter to her out-of-town volleyball tournament.  I woke up crying, spent the morning crying and panicking, had massive physical symptoms, tried to tough it out but I couldn't and she had to miss her tournament.  I have many, many other stories of awful waves.....but I have went from waves like that to waves like this weekend.   

 

I am continually realizing how much benzos sucked from my life.  This morning I was cutting out the sports articles from the newspaper that featured my daughter, and my husband made a comment about it.  See, I haven't done this before even though she's been in the paper many times since her freshman year.  I was too sick/depressed to do anything about it before.  Now I am starting a scrapbook....at least I'll have her last 2 years of high school sports. My girls and my husband finally are trusting my healing and the new me (or should I say old, as in pre-benzos, me?), I'm no longer just a shell that's given everything just trying to make it through the day. I am SO incredibly thankful that I have gotten off of them.  It has been 100% worth the past 14 months that have included more hellish times than good times.

 

       

 

HH, this is so inspiring.  Thank you.  I suspect you suffered a lot more than you ever indicated.  I'm glad you are doing so well.  I'm also looking forward to doing some cleaning!

[[Gr...]]

Hey, Guys, sorry but I'm a drip right now.  I feel like when I was a little kid and had the chicken pox and was looking out the window watching all the other kids playing.

 

I'm listening to all these posts where people are working and are pretty much out there functioning, and I'm thinking maybe I'm not doing as much as I could, maybe I should be working, maybe I should be cleaning the house top to bottom.  I don't know.  I used to be really active, energetic.  This is really not me.  I just feel paralyzed most of the time.  I ride my bike, but I seem to have so much trouble getting motivated to do anything.  And then I find myself getting hit with head pressure and cog fog and DP/DR when I'm out in the world and I think to myself, I don't think I could work through this, I can barely talk to the people I'm sitting with when this happens.  Maybe when this wave passes...

[[...]]

Green, you are doing great! Please don't compare your situation to anyone else's! We are individual and experience things differently, you will do what you can when you can!

 

Working is not easy either! The stress of learning a new job, meeting all the new people, it's just what I "need" to do to keep my mind occupied with something other than this...it's hard when the anxiety/fear hits!

 

I took 1/2 a Unisom last night and slept 8.5 hours but woke feeling tired! Can't wait for the sleep issues to improve!

 

Healing is happening!!

 

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... received a short-notice opportunity a few days ago and took it ... sorry for "disappearing" ... got back last night ... my wife tried to log in for me and post a message from me but I see it didn't work ...

 

Spent six days up the shore in a cabin alone ... the total "disconnect" was wonderful ... talk about "re-entry" ... coming back is going to take a bit of time ... more later ... still got some chores to do and have to "work" today ... next time I will have to "plan" this better ...

 

Hope everyone has a good Tuesday ...

 

[[Co...]]

Green,  'just ' healing IS work. Healing is a worthwhile and meaningful. I feel the same way. When I read of the amazing buddies working,  raising little children,  keeping up on the household chores AND social events I wonder,  " what am I contributing to life?".....When I get depressed about my. ' slo- mo ' life I remember the comments in the success stories that say that re- entry is is a big feature of year 2. I wouldn't be able to work now either. But...last year I couldn't get out of bed hardly. This year I am up and functional almost every day. I feel traumatized by this last big wave with the head pressure and dizziness...I feel as though I am starting all over again with developing confidence and bravery.

.  ..Green,  you have come a very ling way. I think we have to trust our bodies...I really think our mo- Jo will come back naturally...we will feel it and " know " when to do more. In the meantime I tell myself that healing is my job and my 'work ' right now. You are doing an awesome job of healing and getting your life back. The dizziness wave takes awhile to bounce back from. Also living alone takes a lot of effort in the self support demand in recovery. ...We are going to have our energy and our lives back...I was so happy to see you back on this morning...I hope you are recovering from this last wave. I have had a couple of really good days. I wake up with acute like s/x but it has lifted after being up for a few hours. This morning is fear and depression but once I get the dog out things will improve if the pattern holds

....Thinking of you Green...wishing you a good day ...you are working hard every day at healing...thank you for all of the support you pour into this thread....love to you Green....coop

[[je...]]

Green-- I feel the same way, my motivation is non existent. I know its w/d because when I'm in a window I feel so much motivation and I can get a lot done. I'm also tired a lot so I just want to lay on my couch a lot, not how I want to be living but I have zero energy at the moment. I think this is also parr of acceptance, not to feel guilty about things we can't do-- its hard. Feel better, jenny

[[ga...]]

Sorry to start the morning with a downer.  Last night was a disaster for me.  Went to bed at midnight. Fell asleep quickly but woke at 2:45 with a burst of anxiety and couldn't stop all those thoughts that flooded my mind at that time.  My wife knew I was up and asked the old question, "What's going on".  Well all the standard stuff I dwell on at that time of the night.  We have a trip to NY this weekend for a family event and then some other stressful events in the coming weeks.  I just lay there going round and round thinking how will I get through this and all the "what if's" that go along with this thought process.  I am a failure and I can't stand going through my life like this. I just am overthinking everything rather than just letting life happen day to day.  Damnit!  Why can't I just shut my brain down instead of getting all caught up with this horrible thinking.

 

Sorry about this...but this has become my focus and my life.  Caught up thinking about me, me , me.  No one else.  Very selfish and self centered and just driving my wife crazy.  She has put up with this for years.  I'm wondering when she will have had enough and I will be left all alone to deal with this.  Scares the hell out of me and creates more anxiety and despair.  A vicious circle I am in.  Just want to enjoy my life day to day.

 

[[Co...]]

Nova....SO happy to see you this morning we love to hear from you as you check back in.  ...Six days unplugged...wonderful. I am trying to go on just once in the morning and once in the evening. Over the last year I have developed a serious dependency on BBs...it is what got me through the last year. Now I am trying to stay connected to the rhythm of the day and concrete life a little more.

....Re- entry seems to be a big topic ...a good sign of healing ..last year most of us couldn't see our way to the next day. A lot of healing in these last few months of year one.....love to you dear Nova.. ..coop

[[Sk...]]

Sorry to start the morning with a downer.  Last night was a disaster for me.  Went to bed at midnight. Fell asleep quickly but woke at 2:45 with a burst of anxiety and couldn't stop all those thoughts that flooded my mind at that time.  My wife knew I was up and asked the old question, "What's going on".  Well all the standard stuff I dwell on at that time of the night.  We have a trip to NY this weekend for a family event and then some other stressful events in the coming weeks.  I just lay there going round and round thinking how will I get through this and all the "what if's" that go along with this thought process.  I am a failure and I can't stand going through my life like this. I just am overthinking everything rather than just letting life happen day to day.  Damnit!  Why can't I just shut my brain down instead of getting all caught up with this horrible thinking.

 

Sorry about this...but this has become my focus and my life.  Caught up thinking about me, me , me.  No one else.  Very selfish and self centered and just driving my wife crazy.  She has put up with this for years.  I'm wondering when she will have had enough and I will be left all alone to deal with this.  Scares the hell out of me and creates more anxiety and despair.  A vicious circle I am in.  Just want to enjoy my life day to day.

 

Garton, trips bring on anxiety as a rule.

 

That said, consider it this way.

 

There are people who would give an arm and a leg to spend this weekend in New York. With or without wd. I am one of them.

 

Your wife may not enjoy what is happening but she understands and she will not get fed up.  This is the greatest test a couple can go through and if you survive this nothing will break you.

 

The only real great thing of wd, for me, has been witnessing the great, selfless love mr Sky is capable of. I have lost everything but I have his love.

I used to worry I was not pretty or young enough for him anymore. What an idiot, may I add, I am freaking awesome!

But love is not about these things but it took this to really understand. That is priceless.

 

Just in case, let her read some articles on benzos so she is fully informed on what is going on.

 

Take care, self doubt is ugly but our families can walk us through this with their support.

[[Sk...]]

Green,  'just ' healing IS work. Healing is a worthwhile and meaningful. I feel the same way. When I read of the amazing buddies working,  raising little children,  keeping up on the household chores AND social events I wonder,  " what am I contributing to life?".....When I get depressed about my. ' slo- mo ' life I remember the comments in the success stories that say that re- entry is is a big feature of year 2. I wouldn't be able to work now either. But...last year I couldn't get out of bed hardly. This year I am up and functional almost every day. I feel traumatized by this last big wave with the head pressure and dizziness...I feel as though I am starting all over again with developing confidence and bravery.

.  ..Green,  you have come a very ling way. I think we have to trust our bodies...I really think our mo- Jo will come back naturally...we will feel it and " know " when to do more. In the meantime I tell myself that healing is my job and my 'work ' right now. You are doing an awesome job of healing and getting your life back. The dizziness wave takes awhile to bounce back from. Also living alone takes a lot of effort in the self support demand in recovery. ...We are going to have our energy and our lives back...I was so happy to see you back on this morning...I hope you are recovering from this last wave. I have had a couple of really good days. I wake up with acute like s/x but it has lifted after being up for a few hours. This morning is fear and depression but once I get the dog out things will improve if the pattern holds

....Thinking of you Green...wishing you a good day ...you are working hard every day at healing...thank you for all of the support you pour into this thread....love to you Green....coop

 

Green, I am sorry you feel this way but Coop is right.

 

What we are doing is HUGE.

 

I work a few hours a day and I wish I could avoid it. But I have no choice.

 

Today, I had two lessons back to back. I planned them , but still, this afternoon I could not breath my chest was so tight like in tolerance.

That was when I understood I have to be careful. Very careful.

 

You are doing a lot, you owe it to yourself to not be hard on yourself. 

[[ga...]]

Sky...My wife has supported me for many years as I have dealt with the anxiety and sleep issues.  Some days she can tolerate me and others, not so much or not at all.  Some days I see compassion and others I'm beaten over the head for not being more in control of how I think and look at life.  I know we are ultimately responsible for our thoughts...so I take the blame for not being able to turn them around when negative thinking prevails.  Sometimes we have to dig deep to change those thoughts and I am not very accomplished at that.  For some reason I must get something out of dwelling on the negative.

[[La...]]

Doing well going into 8 months off. Then out of nowhere, the early waking, popping up like a rocket at ~4:30 am EVERY morning, started occurring. This shit is getting real old. I was doing so well for so long and now this. Its benzos for sure. I will never forget that early am burning feeling. Its. Back. 

 

Fortunately, hydroxyzine can prevent the early wakings, but I really dont want to be on any sleep meds. I do break down every once in a while and take some just to recharge my sleep. And I feel like a million bucks the day after. 

 

Hope all of you are making your way to the exit door on this hellacious benzo ride.

 

laser

[[Co...]]

Laser...so sorry to hear this. I also got hit big time with the dreaded ' 9 month ' wave...many of us hit some rocky roads somewhere between months 9-12 after experiencing some weeks/months of progress. ..Just hold tight many buddies who have healed report a wave or 2 that were brutal right before healing. ...8 months is so great...more than half way...congratulations....you are going to make it through. Some day we wont be measuring our days in waves in windows...

......take care and go easy....coop

[[ga...]]

Just discussing these morning bouts of depression with my wife.  She is so fed up with this behavior on my part she suggested I go back on A/D's and benzos to resolve this.  I know she is fed up and so am I.  But really...would this help.  I think I know and most of those who read these threads knows the answer.

[[Mo...]]

Doing well going into 8 months off. Then out of nowhere, the early waking, popping up like a rocket at ~4:30 am EVERY morning, started occurring. This shit is getting real old. I was doing so well for so long and now this. Its benzos for sure. I will never forget that early am burning feeling. Its. Back. 

 

Fortunately, hydroxyzine can prevent the early wakings, but I really dont want to be on any sleep meds. I do break down every once in a while and take some just to recharge my sleep. And I feel like a million bucks the day after. 

 

Hope all of you are making your way to the exit door on this hellacious benzo ride.

 

laser

 

Lazor,

Was reading everyone's post when I got to yours.  I looked up hydroxyzine.  There is an untouched bottle from my vacation in July when I was attached by chiggers.  I was too afraid to take it so used benedryl. Really.. this stuff helps you sleep??  Maybe it will break the cycle.

 

I haven't slept in almost 2 months since hot flashes and cortisol rushes invaded.  Will try it out tonight.

 

MommyR

[[ga...]]

Do doctors prescribe this for sleep?  Or allergies? Both??

[[fl...]]

Hi, friends.  Yes, hydroxyzine works for sleep.  I have an rx for it myself.

 

So, guess what I got this morning at 10 months out and wondering if I'm done healing?  ...Brain zaps!  Very mild, but unmistakable.  In a way, I don't mind, because it gives me some physical proof that I'm still healing, and my anxiety is not just "me."

 

Hope everyone has a great day!

[[ga...]]

Hi Floc....so this hydroxyzine is nothing at all like a benzo and no side effects.  Sounds like a magic potion for some.  I have been looking for 20 years for something.  20 mg ambien didn't work for me along with 60 mg of restoril(temazapan).  I am reluctant to try something new but you can't argue with the success some here are experiencing.  I'm just going through a very difficult couple of days with lack of sleep and just feeling down and out.  I'll certainly check this out.  THanks...

[[Co...]]

Hydroxyzine....please research this drug before using it. I think it is similar to benedryl or other antihistimines. There are a couple of threads about it on the. 'Other Medications ' board. Dome who have used it report that it can have a hang over effect and loses its effect on sleep fairly fast with routine use. ..

[[fl...]]

Yep, it's like Benadryl.  It causes the usual grogginess the next day, and tolerance develops if you use it too frequently.  I take it maybe once a week so it stays effective.  There's nothing special about it.  Just a different antihistamine to rotate.

[[ga...]]

I'll look to add it to my rotation.  I just wish somebody would develop the "magic pill" for sleep.  Just shows how much isn't known about sleep and the brain.

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... was visiting with a friend Labour Day afternoon and got talking a bit about what I "missed" these last few years ... got talking about being out, alone, walking, camping, and so on ... got my bluff called ... my friend has a "camp" up the shore ... pretty rustic but safe and warm and dry ... he offered to drive me up and drop me off for a "few days" ...

 

Be careful what you wish for ... my wife said "go" ... if I had had the time to "think" about it I likely would not have gone ... he drove me up, stayed the night, and drove back to town in the morning ... I got back to town last night ... six days alone ... I know what I am doing in the bush ... but it had been a very long time ... sometime Tuesday afternoon I felt at home and just moved into being where I was ... found the "rhythm" of the place ... it is such a luxurious feeling to be "accepted" and "known" within a place ... very much like walking into a familiar cathedral ...

 

No writing, no reading ... a true respite for me ... six days of living in my "senses" ... and yes, I was aware of some side effects still percolating ... there is still healing going on ... and my centre was aligned with the place and the environs and we just breathed together ... hard to get tangled up in benzo stuff when all my focus was on just being where I was ...

 

Take Care ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[pe...]]

I love you Nova. I love your voice in this story we are each writing. I really hope you write a book of wisdom to share with the world. Your thoughts are things of beauty. I breathe more deeply when I read your words. I feel more grounded.

 

I'm glad you had some time in the woods. I want to ask if you chopped wood and carried water, in both senses of the words. SIx days in the woods sounds almost magical and certainly healing. I'm glad your symptoms are percolating rather than at a full roar.

 

Peace2

[[pe...]]

I taught 16 lessons in the last two days. It's going pretty well. The children are inspired and I am exhausted. I would like nothing more than to bang my head on this table and wake up the rest of my brain cells that are not yet online. Unfortunately, I think it would only add to my problems.

 

Tired.

 

Tireder, tiredest.

Comparative, superlative.

 

Peace2