ChinaDoll Escapes from Wonderland!

[[Ch...]]

I now know how Alice must have felt when she found herself in a world where everything was upside down and backwards.  I really don't know how to start this story so I guess I will begin at the beginning.

 

Back in 2006 I was the victim of a violent crime.  My world really did turn upside down.  I wanted to pretend it didn't happen and “just get over it,” but it does not work like that.  The FBI guys were nice but I had to tell the story over and over again and get prepped for testifying at the trial and all that stuff. I have always had anxiety but it went from being manageable to being way out of control.  So after a few tries with antidepressants which just made me depressed my Doctor reluctantly put me on klonopin.  His only warning was it is addictive.

 

Being a pretty moderate person I was not worried about that.  I never abused it and I never felt “high” on it so I couldn’t figure out what the big deal was.  The first two years was the “honeymoon” phase for me.  It worked just as it was supposed to.  Called them my “happy pills” and it would have been hard to convince me they were bad or dangerous.

 

In 2008 I moved down south to take a promotion to a supervisory position.  I figured it was time to let go of the happy pills so I did what I thought was a slow taper over about two months.  My anxiety went absolutely off the charts and both I and my new Doctor figured it was still my PTSD symptoms and he reinstated me at 3 mgs a days of klonopin from the 2 mgs daily plus 30 mgs xanax a month for breakthrough panic attacks.  He said the extra klonopin would prevent the attacks in the first place.  Sounded good at the time but I think the extra mg of the klonocide was what really did me in or at least it speeded up the process.

 

What I don’t understand is how progressively over the next four years I went from being outgoing and always on the move to being an agoraphobic recluse without noticing.  It was just what my world had become and I was so emotionally blunted it had become my normal.  Sitting here trying to type this out in a way that makes sense is impossible.  Mainly because it doesn’t make sense.  I am sure many of you are nodding your head in agreement because you have been there.  But to someone who has not experienced it, it is impossible to explain.

 

It was during this time that my iatrogenic addiction and my Son's opiate addiction collided like two trains on the same track.  As he got worse and bolder I got worse and less resistant.  When he met the girlfriend she just wiped me out financially without mercy.  They would drain my checking account and I would cuss, cry, scream and beg them to stop, then I would take an extra pill and sleep for 16 hours. 

 

During this time I was also working crazy hours, sometimes hitting all three shifts in one week.  There was overtime I didn’t want but I had no relief so I was stuck.  I was exhausted all the time and being treated for all kinds of mystery ailments.  I literally slept for 18 hours a day on my days off.  I got nothing done.  My house was a wreck, my finances were totaled, I gained 50 pounds and neither I nor my Doctor even suspected the klonocide could be the root of the problem.  I just assumed it was my crazy work schedule and stressful job.  I know now I was in deep tolerance and the klonopin had become toxic to me. 

 

In the fall of 2012 my Brother passed away so I went home to NJ for the funeral.  When I got back I discovered that the dynamic duo had taken several hundred dollars out of my checking account and my klonopin prescription was gone.  I decided since I could not keep anything locked up well enough to keep it away from them that I wanted the klonopin out of my house.  And thankfully I had just given up the supervisory position to go back to doing the job I had done for 15 years and could do in my sleep.  I had no idea at the beginning of this taper what a blessing that would turn out to be.

 

I took my last refill of 90 mgs and tapered with 50 percent cuts all the way down.  It took a little over 3 months.  Honestly the only thing I knew about tapering klonopin was you needed to go slow to avoid seizures.  Sometime in early January I hit acute withdrawal with ALL the classic symptoms.  The inner vibrations and sensory distortions are what sent me googling “klonopin taper” to see if I was tapering too fast and fixing to have a seizure.  That is how I found BenzoBuddies. After reading for a couple of weeks I finally understood what I had been through and how I found myself in my current position.  This knowledge was terrifying and liberating at the same time. 

 

I went ahead and signed up and spent the next couple of months glued to my computer screen.  I mainly lurked but what I read reassured me I was not crazy or gonna die any second.  I, like a lot of others, searched relentlessly for the answer to when is this craziness going to end??  I even went down to the archives thinking maybe one of the old timers had found the answer.  I knew I had tapered to fast by Ashton or any other standard, but I had a limited amount of meds to work with and I was so angry at the medical profession I could not stomach the idea of going to see one.  So I carried on.  The last month of my taper and the first two to three months off were the worse for the w/d symptoms.  I still don’t know how I managed to work through that.  I just hid in my office and worked when I could and spent time here at BB when I couldn’t.  Driving back and forth was an adventure.  Once I got into the city on the 6 lane highway I was a total mess.  I almost wrecked because someone blew their horn as they were passing me and it felt like someone had shot me in the head.

 

Somewhere near that three month mark the symptoms, though still present, were not as intense.  My head started to clear and with that I found myself waking up from the sedation and stupor that is benzo tolerance.  I found myself starting to actually care about life again.

 

Healing for me has been very linear.  Slow, but linear.  All the symptoms slowly got lighter and lighter as time went by.  I am just a week shy of the one year since benzo free mark.  The last couple of months I have been mostly pretty good but stress could definitely take me back to acute for a couple of hours or days.  I was thinking that I may have to live with an inability to deal with stress forever.

 

Then of course, as things in my household have for the last couple of years, everything hit the fan two weeks ago.  Son winds up in jail.  I have a knock down drag out with the Daughter in Law in the front yard over taking my granddaughter to the emergency room.  I finally won the battle with threats of calling Child Protective Services.  We get home from the ER and she goes into labor 5 weeks early.  Back to the Hospital for an emergency C Section cause the baby is breach.  The baby is small but healthy, thankfully.  I have the two year old for five days by myself and my precious angel only stops moving to sleep.  (And more drama that I will spare you.)

 

And during this whole time no w/d symptoms!  Of course I have some normal anxiety.  The situation demands it.  I have a lot of concerns for the future.  I may have to take custody of my granddaughter at some point if her parents don’t get it together.  But NO popping, zinging, shaking, vibrating, teeth clenching, puking, intrusive thoughts or any of the other major players of benzo w/d.  It has been two weeks now and the drama hasn’t stopped, but I feel hopeful.  I feel hopeful because I now feel like I am able to handle what comes.  Eighteen months ago I would have hid in my dark family room with the TV clicker or just went to bed to endless, dreamless sleep.  I pray that my Son and DIL will get it together and be good parents but if I have to I will be able to take care of my grandchildren.

 

Yes, withdrawal definitely sucked!  But it was so worth it to get off that poison and be a in a position to rebuild my life.  I have a ton of rebuilding to do but I have a plan.  I can’t thank the BenzoBuddies Team enough for keeping this place going.  I don’t know where I would be right now if it had not been here.  And big hugs to my special buddies for keeping me sane through all of this.

 

I also want to thank this page for allowing me to bleed all over it.  This is the first time since all this started that I have taken the time to put this experience into some kind of rational order and it has been healing.  As I sit here at the edge of this rabbit hole looking down into it I still have trouble believing all this is real.  For those of you still down there in the thick of it I will reassure you that healing will happen.  I am not sure there is a "painless" way to get off of this crap but stick it out because the end result is worth it!

 

With Love

ChinaDoll   

 

[[ba...]]

Congratulations ChinaDoll!

 

What a moving and inspirational success story.  I know this will be one I will read over and over again. 

 

Thank you,

 

[[Wo...]]

Well done ChinaDoll

 

Your story moved me, im 14 months off after only 4.2 months on and im still trying to find my way back from Wonderland.

 

I assume when you said Alice in Wonderland you meant the intense DP DR LSD Acid Trip ?

 

I also get what you say about the stress, any stress at all send me in to a spin, before I was made of steel so reading how you have also overcome the stress set back also gives me hope.

 

For now, I just wish the intense DP DR LSD Acid Trip would stop.

 

Bless you for all you have been true and for coming out the other end, after enduring and coming through this you will be bullet proof.

 

Best Wishes

 

Woofs

 

 

[[Ch...]]

Congratulations ChinaDoll!

 

What a moving and inspirational success story.  I know this will be one I will read over and over again. 

 

Thank you,

 

 

Thanks Babyrex,

 

It did feel good to get it out, even if it did get kinda long.  Believe or not I was trying to keep it brief.. lol

 

Love and Healing,

China

[[Ch...]]

Well done ChinaDoll

 

Your story moved me, im 14 months off after only 4.2 months on and im still trying to find my way back from Wonderland.

 

I assume when you said Alice in Wonderland you meant the intense DP DR LSD Acid Trip ?

 

I also get what you say about the stress, any stress at all send me in to a spin, before I was made of steel so reading how you have also overcome the stress set back also gives me hope.

 

For now, I just wish the intense DP DR LSD Acid Trip would stop.

 

Bless you for all you have been true and for coming out the other end, after enduring and coming through this you will be bullet proof.

 

Best Wishes

 

Woofs

 

Thanks Woofs,

 

I have called my anxiety and panic attacks "the rabbit hole" since high school.  It was the best way I could explain it.  That anxiety had nothing on w/d anxiety tho! 

 

I am sorry you are still going thru it so far out.  This crap really does have a mind of its own.  It will happen tho!

 

Hugs,

China

[[ba...]]

Congratulations ChinaDoll!

 

What a moving and inspirational success story.  I know this will be one I will read over and over again. 

 

Thank you,

 

 

Thanks Babyrex,

 

It did feel good to get it out, even if it did get kinda long.  Believe or not I was trying to keep it brief.. lol

 

Love and Healing,

China

 

Not too long at all.  I appreciate the detailed stories!

 

[[Li...]]

 

http://i1188.photobucket.com/albums/z414/Lilyagain/BB%20posts/37e2ba37-63af-43dc-8e90-664431c5a8bd_zps66ac615c.jpg

[[Ch...]]

 

http://i1188.photobucket.com/albums/z414/Lilyagain/BB%20posts/37e2ba37-63af-43dc-8e90-664431c5a8bd_zps66ac615c.jpg

 

Thank you Lily My Friend!

 

May we always have puddles to splash in!

 

[[ca...]]

Dear China,

 

This is great news.

I am so happy for you.

 

Healing does happen.

 

Please come back next year and decorate my blog again..

 

I hope things settle down for you soon and you are able to enjoy your new healthy life to the fullest.

 

I am so happy for you and proud of you.

 

Keep it up China,

 

Much love and healing,

Causing

[[Ch...]]

Dear China,

 

This is great news.

I am so happy for you.

 

Healing does happen.

 

Please come back next year and decorate my blog again..

 

I hope things settle down for you soon and you are able to enjoy your new healthy life to the fullest.

 

I am so happy for you and proud of you.

 

Keep it up China,

 

Much love and healing,

Causing

 

Thanks Causing.  I am hoping things will settle down around here myself! 

 

And I will be happy to decorate your blug again.  Just submit 19.95 and your requested color scheme to PaytheDoll.com! 

[[No...]]

China! I teared up reading your story.  :'(

 

It's outstanding. You're outstanding. Thank you so much for writing this!

 

I enjoy reading all the success stories, but yours brings me to literal tears of happiness. I mean it when I say success couldn't have happened to a nicer person.

 

Congratulations, my friend!

 

Muah!

NoNo

 

:smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

[[pi...]]

ChinaDoll!!!

 

You did it, you healed!  Congratulations! It sounds like you are ready to grab life and live it, good for you.

 

Thanks for posting this, you are very strong and determined and will succeed in your plans, whatever they are.

 

pianogirl

[[Ri...]]

Thank you China Doll for writing your story (no it is not too long), it gives me such hope to read and you are an inspiration.

I am so happy for you.

Enjoy your new freedom and I really hope you do get to Belize someday.

 

Ringo

[[Ho...]]

Hi China Doll,

 

Congratulations on your amazing succes story. I can relate to everything you said. You mentioned sensory symptoms, I was wondering if you would elaborate on those. I have EXTREME body and head pressure and a constant boaty feeling. I also feel very tall sometimes and like I am being pushed from behind by a strong wind. The forces are so strong I have to hold on to things at times. I also have facial distortions.

 

I also was wondering if you had deep Dr and DP, mine are so bad at almost 10 months I cannot drive or work, I am in a constant trance-like state.

 

Thank you so very much for coming back to encourage others, you rock!

 

 

[[IG...]]

Congratulations China, 

Thank You for sharing your story, it gave me goose bumps..

I'm sooooo happy for you.

 

This post really made my day.

 

Molly

[[am...]]

Awesome story Chinadoll and it is great that you are living your life again ! Congrats !! 

 

Patrick

 

[[Ch...]]

China! I teared up reading your story.  :'(

 

It's outstanding. You're outstanding. Thank you so much for writing this!

 

I enjoy reading all the success stories, but yours brings me to literal tears of happiness. I mean it when I say success couldn't have happened to a nicer person.

 

Congratulations, my friend!

 

Muah!

NoNo

 

:smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

 

Thanks NoNo!!

 

I can't wait to read yours.  You are so much better with words then I am. 

 

:smitten: :smitten:

 

China

[[Ch...]]

ChinaDoll!!!

 

You did it, you healed!  Congratulations! It sounds like you are ready to grab life and live it, good for you.

 

Thanks for posting this, you are very strong and determined and will succeed in your plans, whatever they are.

 

pianogirl

 

Thank you PianoGirl!

 

And thank you for all the hard work you and the gang do around here.  I am sure it is often a thankless job so take a couple of extra thank yous from me. 

 

China

[[Ch...]]

Thank you China Doll for writing your story (no it is not too long), it gives me such hope to read and you are an inspiration.

I am so happy for you.

Enjoy your new freedom and I really hope you do get to Belize someday.

 

Ringo

 

Your welcome and thank you Ringo!

 

And I think I will look rather stylish in a snorkel mask!

 

 

China

[[Ch...]]

Hi China Doll,

 

Congratulations on your amazing succes story. I can relate to everything you said. You mentioned sensory symptoms, I was wondering if you would elaborate on those. I have EXTREME body and head pressure and a constant boaty feeling. I also feel very tall sometimes and like I am being pushed from behind by a strong wind. The forces are so strong I have to hold on to things at times. I also have facial distortions.

 

I also was wondering if you had deep Dr and DP, mine are so bad at almost 10 months I cannot drive or work, I am in a constant trance-like state.

 

Thank you so very much for coming back to encourage others, you rock!

 

Thank you Hopeful,

 

I pretty much had all the sensory stuff going (bright lights, imaginary sounds, startle reflex on overdrive, smells and so on plus it always felt like an elephant was sitting on my head.  The DR/DP was only at its worse in the first 3 months thankfully.  The involuntary grimacing and jaw clenching was awful to.

 

Healing will happen tho!  The more you can do the better, even if you have to push yourself a little. 

 

Keep positive!

 

China

[[Ch...]]

Congratulations China, 

Thank You for sharing your story, it gave me goose bumps..

I'm sooooo happy for you.

 

This post really made my day.

 

Molly

 

Thanks Molly!

 

You know I could not let you get to far ahead of me. 

 

China

[[Ch...]]

Awesome story Chinadoll and it is great that you are living your life again ! Congrats !! 

 

Patrick

 

Thanks Patrick,

 

I see you are newly benzo free, so Congrats to you too!

 

China

[[...]]

China Friend, AWESOME job telling your story. I've been so severely muted for the last few days that I have to hold my MUTE OFF button to get the words out. I related to a ton of things you wrote about.

 

I especially tuned into the part about your having had anxiety since way back. That's what I have been trying to express lately. I was never a poster-child for mental health, and I've always had a Rabbit Hole, but when I tried to get off Klonocide it was like I would go into my old Rabbit Hole, but there was a hole in the entrance that took me into a pit never knew existed.

 

I'm really glad you put it all out there. There has been so much of your story that was a mystery. As for kids, Cosby said it many years ago - they ALWAYS come back again. Only now in this Brave New World they also come "home" on drugs and without jobs.

 

Gary 

[[...]]

Dear sweet China,

 

I'm so happy for you that I don't even know how to put it into words! I never knew your story until now and it makes me so sad and mad that you had to go through what you went through to get to where you are today. I really hope that the saying 'everything happens for a reason' is true because you really, really didn't deserve all that stuff happening to you, you know? And whatever the 'reason' is, it better be a good one, dammit!  *hugz!*

 

But look at you. Would you just look at yourself? OMG, you are SO done with this &*^#! and so ready to move on with your life that, uh, I think a lot of people better move out of your way.      Actually, really, they better move out of your way because it doesn't sound like you're going to be putting much more onto your plate without a fight. And that's a healthy attitude and is definitely as it should be! 

 

 

So here's to a whole new chapter in your life, my friend:

 

 

 

 

http://i1331.photobucket.com/albums/w591/koko375/popcork_zps0cf71edc.jpg

 

 

 

May it be filled with love, happiness, magic and dreams come true!

 

 

 

So much love, China!

 

 

 

http://i1331.photobucket.com/albums/w591/koko375/glitter-heart_zps3e8a0508.gif

 

 

 

 

 

k  :smitten:

 

 

[[Mo...]]

WOW China, what a story, it gave me the goose pimples. so happy this poison

did not destroy you and you had the strength to be yourself again and fight.