Long term users in recovery thread (10 years +)

[[un...]]

 

The Lost Decade

 

I sure can relate to the lost years feeling as well as everything else being said here. Seems as though it shouldn't feel like such a lonely journey with all we have in common, but it does. I'm feeling so raw and exposed during this taper that I'm reluctant to post much of anything personal for fear of someone recognizing that it's me. Of course, I don't know who that would be since I've been so isolated for the past 15 years.

 

I remember when we (the States) were hit on 9-11. I went out and brought home a 12-pak of beer and a pack of smokes and sat down in front of the t.v. and watched the coverage from morn 'til night. I did the same thing the next day and the next, until the t.v. coverage stopped. Then, I turned on the radio and listened to further discussion, with my 12-pak and cigarettes every day, until I was listening to coverage of the run-up to the war in Iraq and following the continuing, outrageous escapades of the Cheney-Bush administration, the incredible re-election of same, the Obama - Clinton campaigns, and on and on through the 00's until I finally looked around and the 00's were gone. All this time, I was dutifully taking my 1.5 mg dose of Klonopin each morning.

 

I kept thinking to myself, my God, 9-11 really traumatized me! But what I really thought, in my heart, was that I had simply become a lazy drunk. I worked maybe a total of two years during that time, scattered throughout with part-time and temp work. I had essentially left my profession, believing it was too stressful for me; I didn't have what it takes.

 

These days, I'm looking back at that decade with much regret and self-recrimination. I'm trying to understand that I must have been in tolerance withdrawal that whole time, but that feels like a weak excuse. More often, I attack myself for wasting all that precious time and for letting my wife run everything for ten years. I feel I've lost the best of the rest of my life and, as Katia put it above, I feel defeated. I've defeated myself; self-sabotage.

 

Still, I know now that something was going on with me besides 9-11 and laziness. I know because of the craving I had for alcohol on an almost daily basis. I would go from a hopeless pit of fear and depression in the morning, before I started my drinking, to feeling perfectly normal after gulping a few beers. I went on like this day after day, week after week and then year after year without ever having a clue about what was really happening: I was treating my withdrawal symptoms with alcohol. It's hard for me to understand how I could possibly have allowed this to happen, or to even recognize, really, that is was happening. That great big chunk of my life just slipped away. A decade lost.

 

But it gives me real pause for thought that when I finally, somehow, discovered Ashton, hooked in to BenzoBuds, read about tolerance withdrawal and switched over to 30 mg's of Valium, my fear and worry virtually disappeared overnight. And gone, too, was the craving to drink every day. I tried to, out of habit, but on 30 mg of Valium, I literally just fell on my ass and cracked my head against a wall after four beers. That broke the habit real quick. I haven't had a taste of alcohol since 12-12-12--I cheated at a Christmas party--and haven't missed it. By the way, I AM NOT recommending Valium for any purpose. I'm just telling my story, here. And I'm glad I did. It seems like a good sign to me that I'm able to air out all this stuff I've been feeling so ashamed of. Thanks for listening, and sorry to take up so much space. When it rains, it pours, I guess.     

 

-UTC

 

 

[[pr...]]

thanks for telling your story UTC!

 

i feel the same way about those ten years in tolerance wd that i was spinning my wheels trying to figure out all that was wrong with me going from one doctor to healer to practitioner and not realizing it was all from klonopin. that was the only thing i needed to fix and then everything else would fall into place but i spent thousands of dollars on healers, practitioners and the like only to be diagnosed with MS which really just gave me an excuse to go back on the klonopin when i new that was very delicate waters since i had been off all benzo's and other drugs for 7 years. oh and even though the doctor's knew i had been clean and sober from benzo's and opiates they had no problem prescribing them to me again.

 

i gave it a lot of honest thought today and i know some people get scared by this idea. but i really think that my mind made up any excuse to get back on the benzo drug for whatever reason. and i made one excuse after another but to my defense i didn't know i was in protracted symptoms wd at the time and my story is to warn people that even though you're off the benzo's -- if you don't understand protracted symptoms (if you're an unfortunate soul who has them) that can lead a person back on the benzo's. -- ( and remember not everyone gets protracted)

 

all i really wanted to say tonight was i did the c/t this time from 3mg klonopin & 30mg valium. i wished i had known. 

 

it's good to hear your story

 

pretty

 

 

[[un...]]

Thanks, Pretty. What a shame to be put back on after seven years off. I guess an MS diagnosis would scare anyone out of their right mind. Oh, if we only knew then all we do now . . .    -utc

[[wa...]]

Hi Everyone

Well it's 40 years on Diazepam for me so far.

I am planning to start a liquid taper  as soon as my syringes  are delivered.

 

I feel so scared and alone  right now but will be giving it my best shot as nothing much left to lose !

[[pr...]]

Hi Everyone

Well it's 40 years on Diazepam for me so far.

I am planning to start a liquid taper  as soon as my syringes  are delivered.

 

I feel so scared and alone  right now but will be giving it my best shot as nothing much left to lose !

 

hello wannafeelwell,

 

wow! that's a long time. but you can do this! just taper as slow as you need to. i was just writing on another thread how much i wished i had tapered slowly. if i had known, i would of taken a life time to taper from this. seriously. there isn't a rush when it comes to tapering from this stuff. i know we all want our lives back but the best way is to taper slowly like Oscar is doing.

[[br...]]

Hey Everyone,

 

I would just like to start off by saying that you guys are the real soldiers here, your'e getting off mega high doses that have been taken for 10,20,30,40+ years. This is big news, well done to each and everyone of you and I really mean that, really I do, its such a big achievement.

 

It makes me physically sick to think about all the suffering and pain that could of been avoided if we had of been exposed to the truth about certain things in life earlier on. Instead of taking crazy amounts of vile toxic pills to cure or help with our insomnia, depression, anxiety etc, all we needed was a few puffs on some good mmj, not to be confused with the rubbish someone would find from a guy living in his moms basement, I mean the real mmj from good dispensaries, there is a massive difference.

 

Wishing you all the luck in the world and if I can help in anyway shape or form, please feel free to PM me, no matter what the problem.

 

Keep up the good work guys 

 

[[am...]]

Bring-it-on,

 

Does the MMJ that you have used have a low THC content, or a normal content?

[[br...]]

Bring-it-on,

 

Does the MMJ that you have used have a low THC content, or a normal content?

 

Hi ama732mx1,

 

It varies, sometimes high thc, other times high cbd, I use sativa strains during the day and indica/cbd strains when pain is really bad.

 

I use two dispensaries, the others I tried were not up to much and to far away, go for long established dispensaries such as River rock. Its a lot like going to the grocery store, only your purchasing mmj. There are many high end dispensaries opening up all over the 20 states in which mmj is legal. Give it 10 years and mj will be legal on a national scale, then the rest of the world will follow suit.

 

I would suggest starting on a hybrid, the best of both worlds.

[[am...]]

I have never experienced the newer lower thc strain plants and would like to try it. The standard skunk is just too much for during withdrawal. At least not more than a hit or so. Good healing.

[[Ju...]]

Hello bring-it-on,

 

As you have been informed numerous times in the past, it is against the rules here to glorify or promote the use of illegal drugs.  Though marijuana is legal in some places, in many others it's still illegal and this is an international forum. This is from our Rules and Guidelines:

 

 

Guidelines & Rules Regarding the Use and Promotion of Medicines and Drugs

 

Our aim is to allow members the freedom to properly describe their full and true situation, but at the same time prevent overly florid descriptions of illicit, recreational or abusive drug use that have the potential to cause the wider membership harm or distress.

 

Since most of our members have dependency/addiction issues with benzodiazepines, and our stated mission is to help them quit, we must disallow content that discourages them from this goal, or encourages behaviour that might lead to a new dependency or addiction. Therefore:

 

•Do not promote illegal drug use. Nor should you describe drug paraphernalia, exalt positive experiences, or glorify their use. Please keep descriptions factual and dispassionate.

 

 

•Do not promote the abuse (or illegal or inappropriate use) of medicines.

 

 

•Do not promote addictive (or habit forming) substances as withdrawal adjunctives.

 

With the above points and guidance in mind, you may discuss your use of medicines and illicit drugs as they pertain to benzodiazepine use and withdrawal. Additionally, please understand that because our focus is benzodiazepine withdrawal, the collective knowledge of our membership about drugs and medicines other than benzodiazepines will be limited. You should not expect, nor engage in, detailed support-orientated discussions about drugs or medicines other than benzodiazepines.

 

Your posts will require moderator approval for 72-hours.

 

Thank you.

 

Juliea

[[br...]]

Fair enough 

[[ro...]]

 

I thought it would be interesting to hear from other LONG TERM USERS regarding recovery... especially 10 years and upwards, either tapering and/or off and still healing.

 

22 years + here... and crawling down from 12 mg equivalent and now at 2.9 mg... would like to hear from other long term users regarding coping with withdrawal and the journey back to our long lost selves.

 

im on 3mg of ativan for 20 years , im fearful of medication , hypochindriac, and having withdrawls symptons now already from being on same dose so long , and anxiety disorder , so need something anway , need to get off ativan and on somethinbg better or something, probaly half of it is physical depence, do i have any hope in getting off and how and by who , with my background , what should i do , dont want to taper and staert having seizures and all that, , what can i do anyone know? robert

[[pr...]]

 

I thought it would be interesting to hear from other LONG TERM USERS regarding recovery... especially 10 years and upwards, either tapering and/or off and still healing.

 

22 years + here... and crawling down from 12 mg equivalent and now at 2.9 mg... would like to hear from other long term users regarding coping with withdrawal and the journey back to our long lost selves.

 

im on 3mg of ativan for 20 years , im fearful of medication , hypochindriac, and having withdrawls symptons now already from being on same dose so long , and anxiety disorder , so need something anway , need to get off ativan and on somethinbg better or something, probaly half of it is physical depence, do i have any hope in getting off and how and by who , with my background , what should i do , dont want to taper and staert having seizures and all that, , what can i do anyone know? robert

 

robert,

 

i would try my best to find the best doctor to switch me safely and slowly on to valium and start a very slow taper. it can be done. i'm watching my mother who is almost 70 yrs who successfully made the switch from xanax to valium and now she is down to 2mg. she's almost done. and she was on the xanx for 5 yrs. yes, you have been on the ativan for a long time but if you do things in a safe and slow manner, it can be done.

[[Ga...]]

i was on 3 mg xanax long term. im having hard time w anxiety. it is worse now. lots of stress here the past yr. im wondering if magnesium would help?? it feels like my muscles have seized up theyre so stiff.

[[pr...]]

i was on 3 mg xanax long term. im having hard time w anxiety. it is worse now. lots of stress here the past yr. im wondering if magnesium would help?? it feels like my muscles have seized up theyre so stiff.

 

gard,

 

i'm still having a hard time too. i get the muslces seizing up in the mornings over and over. i can literally watch my calf muscle spasm up like a charlie horse and just stay like that for minutes even if i stand on it. it just stays like that. it's soooooooooooooooooooooooo painful

and i'm having real troubles with the squeezing neuropathy in my knee's. i have to "carry" my legs. but i don't feel it squeeze as much when i'm in partial window.

[[Ga...]]

hi prettyD,

im sorry about your knee. my right foot toes cramp up, etc its like they hve a life of their own.

my muscles are so stiff. its downright scary.

 

i get up and walk. im trying not to give in but this is not fun

 

[[ua...]]

Reporting 21 yrs on K... 

 

Over this entire time my main concern was to make sure I have enough of K to survive at work... I was so scared of not being able to handle my underlying anxieties that I have successfully managed to convince myself that all the weird symptoms I was experiencing over the past 10 years were caused by something else and clonazepam  just happened to be good  for alleviating the symptoms But certainly not the cause...!  So I had my heart checked several times for rhythm abnormalities, chest tightness, pain, etc. You probably all know the feeling when you are on the sofa watching TV, but really listening to your heart and wondering if you are about to have a heart attack.. Once I ended up in the ER but my heart attack was assessed as a panic attack. And I honestly did not make a connection between the fact that it was weekend, and on weekends I would take only very little K, because of the lack of external stress..  I have been also having increasing problems with unexplained pain in my legs, mainly in the evening, which was making it impossible to fall asleep until.. I pooped another pill or two... Oh yeah.. and the memory loss... This was probably the very first serious side effect i experienced and it started very early after I started taking this stuff.. I honestly have to focus 100% at work on hiding it, so that others won't not see how badly ravaged my brain is... 

 

And so.. over the past 21 years I have been transformed from a lively (albeit sometimes scared) mind with hopes, dreams and passion for live into a pathetic disgusting unable to think clearly half-drugged zombie preoccupied with controlling fears between one dose and another .. 

 

And then, about 3-4 weeks ago, I suddenly developed a desire to change something...  And I found this web site..  And I spent several hours reading the posts...  And the next day I read some more posts...  And suddenly, over a period of maybe 3-4 days, something extraordinary has happened with me...  My eyes  have opened and  I stopped lying to myself...  And I now wan to change... And I actually now believe I can change..  And I want to change real bad! I know I can be benzo-free and normal again..  I even believe I can somehow handle my old anxieties ..  Do not ask me how, I just believe I can   And, for the record, I am an atheist

 

Because of the "as needed" frequency and dose I am accustomed to, and it could have been anywhere between 1 and 5 pills per day (before a major stressful event at work)  I first need to stabilize my dose and that is what I have been doing over the past week. So far I am doing good and hoping it stays that way ..   I will probably try to  survive 3-4 weeks on the current steady dose and see how I can handle my work stress. Then I will start a slow taper, possibly with a switch to Valium.  I also intend to ask my doctor for a Propranolol prescription...  What is encouraging, my heart symptoms have decreased substantially just over this one week, possibly due to a more steady K intake and reduced inter-dose w/d...

[[am...]]

Good deal Uaydak !

 

I haven't had a panic attack in like 28 years and I have been benzo free for 3 months and I have no worries that I will again either. But, I was told that I had a panic disorder when i was prescribed kpin 28 years ago. Tried to quit taking it several times and got real sick and was told by my doctors that it was because I needed the medicine and my "illness" was making me sick. It would have been nice if one of the idiots would have told me that I needed to taper the medicine slowly to get off of it and I could have stopped taking this stuff years ago and saved a ton of money and performed better at work from not having a memory issue.

 

You are going to be fine after you taper off your medicine. Good healing !!   

[[ua...]]

Wow! 28 yrs ... Congratulations!

[[pr...]]

uaydak,

 

your story is very similar to mine in that over the last ten years i was on the klonopin i was running around frantically from doctor to healer to practitioner trying to find out what was wrong with me. was it MS, Lyme Disease? it couldn't possibly be from tapering from the klonopin. i tried to taper since 2004 and just could not. i had to do a cold turkey and i do not recommend it so i think it's a good plan for you to stabalize on your dose.

 

i feel so injured right now and i am at 23 months out. but i did have a window today and boy what a difference. i had also been on large dose's of benzo's once before and got off them and had 7 years off them before going back on to the klonopin. really sad that i did that but that's my story for now.

 

you can get off this stuff, be benzo free and normal again. just do a slow taper and keep tapering without going back up again like i did a million times.

[[ua...]]

I always listen to a girl with 6,014 posts... 

Thx for the encouragement...

 

Funny you mentioning the lyme desease... This was my latest theory I was about to suggest to my dr that would explain the myriad of joint, muscle, back and other pains I have been complaining about...  To make things a little more comlplicated, I have some actual significant joint damage from childhood arthritis.  Now it is even sometimes hard for myself to tell what is new and what pre-existing....

[[pr...]]

I always listen to a girl with 6,014 posts... 

Thx for the encouragement...

 

Funny you mentioning the lyme desease... This was my latest theory I was about to suggest to my dr that would explain the myriad of joint, muscle, back and other pains I have been complaining about...  To make things a little more comlplicated, I have some actual significant joint damage from childhood arthritis.  Now it is even sometimes hard for myself to tell what is new and what pre-existing....

 

wow -- i didn't even realise how many posts i have   yep, i am still on here most eveings and still not quite well enough to do other things :'(

 

but there will come a day when i am and for now, i'm still waiting for it. yep, i got clobbered by this -- this time!

 

i still would like to r/o Lyme Disease for myself and i even got the two tests sent to me that the Igenix website recommends to take if one is concerned with finding out if you have Lyme but i haven't even been well enough to go have my blood drawn.

i still plan to r/o everything but the more and more i read other's posts and symptoms on here - the more i feel that everything i'm experiencing is all from benzo's. i was diagnosed with MS in 2002 but i really don't think it's accurate.

 

good luck and you can do this!

 

just go real slowly

[[...]]

Juliea, if you read this can you please let me know if you ever hit a point in your taper where you felt that you were stuck because the s/x were so bad? The reason I ask you is because our histories are so much the same. I don't know who else to run to. I would have PMd you but the rules about that look pretty strict. Thanks.

 

koko

[[Be...]]

Hello Oscar and everyone else here!

 

I am new here.

 

I have been off of benzo's for about a year now & still have about 10 or so symptoms left. They are all mild now, but still bothers me that after 1 year off, they are still lingering (had over 30 at one point).

 

I am looking to connect with others who are off, to share experiences with & to support each other.

 

Oscar,I can tell you first hand, I have been off of benzo's for about a year now. Keep on tapering down is my best advise to you. It does SLOWLY get better. Try not to be afraid & over think things. Initially I did a rapid taper (horrible, horrible experience) then re-instated to 15mg, then tapered slowly for 1 1/2 years. I was symptomatic my whole taper but kept on going. Best thing I could have done. Things began to get so much better once off.

 

Now I am just waiting to be FULLY healed. It has been 2 1/2 years since I started this process. I have grown weary at this stage. Some days I get down & and wonder if I will really ever heal 100% or is this it? Any one else here at this point? I welcome all input & any support is welcome & needed right now.

 

Thanks & healthy healing to all!

 

Bella Ami

[[Ch...]]

31 years for me… I guess I qualify for this thread. 

 

Coming up on two years off in another week.  I'm doing well, maybe a mild symptom or two left (hard to say at 63 years of age what's w/d and what's aging) but the waves stopped a few months ago and I'm living my life fully again.  No anxiety, sleeping pretty well most nights, fatigue has lifted as has the lack of enthusiasm for anything. 

 

Challis