Long term users in recovery thread (10 years +)

[[Ka...]]

Is anyone reading this thread? I am here after 18 plus years of consistent klonopin use of 3 mg a day. Prior to that, off and on use of xanax, ativan, and tranxene. Geez, I sound like a drug abuser, but those were prescribed to me for anxiety. It all started when I was in the middle of a bad, bad marriage. I had one panic attack at age 15 out of nowhere but I was 23 when profound anxiety started thanks to the dear ex. Yes, I was totally innocent...lol. However, he was an unbelievable a@#Hole and it was too much for me to handle with the birth of 2 children within 2 years of each other. Ok, I could write a book but I won't! You're welcome!

 

So I was put on a tricyclic antidepressant (no spell check I did not meant to spell tricycle!) and tranxene 7.5 mg. I stayed on it through nursing school, that was challenging, amazingly got through it somehow and surprise, surprise a divorce. Wow, what tumultuous times. ONCE I got off all benzos for maybe 2-3 months and felt great but stupid me went back on ativan because I guess I was just too wimpy to try to handle stress without mother's little helper. Working as a single mom as a nurse, 12 hour shifts, weekends and nights, trying to raise boys. I was ill equipped to handle all that. Next progression was from ativan to the evil klonopin, the doc told me how GREAT it was, longer acting and had a longer half life, etc. I remember that day very well and that doctor. I can see her face!

 

After 9 years of klonopin use, it became obvious to me that I was no longer to handle my life, my job or anything else for that matter. Hindsight being 20/20 I truly believe that the long term use of it had a big role in the demise of my common sense and mental health. I was having trouble with memory at work and with handling the high tech stressful job of critical care nursing. So a complete meltdown was inevitable, but I was clueless that it was coming. At age 50 I took an overdose of klonopin and that was the beginning of the end, I lost everything. My house, my job, my car and my independence. I was put in a hospital and was in and out of it for 8 more years. The last hospitalization was in February 2013 when a doctor took me off klonopin cold turkey. I knew that I needed to be off of it so I continued the withdrawal on my own. Since then I am back to my old self in a lot of ways, no more suicidal thoughts or tendencies. I know that I will never go back to a hospital for those reasons again. So here I am, almost 11 months klonopin free, still with lots of symptoms but considering how long I was on the stuff and how it completely changed my brain to make me someone that I did not recognize, I think I am doing pretty good. I have some really bad days (like today) and some fairly good days wherein I can function somewhat normally and don't feel in terror or despair.

 

I could easily have had a stroke or seizure and died from the cold turkey withdrawal and I have been through hell, but obviously it needed to happen somehow. I feel like this is a second chance at life for me, I am 58 and still could somehow begin to enjoy life again. There have been some very small windows in the last month and I pray all the time for healing. Now it won't help to lay blame, but I can think of a few people that helped get my life off in a ditch, but I have to look forward and not backwards. All the horrible symptoms have seemed to be and continue to be some kind of punishment, but what did I do wrong? Most of the time I do blame myself for how things have turned out, but I have to work at not thinking that way or I cannot make it. One day at a time, I will make it!!!

 

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!

[[pr...]]

Is anyone reading this thread? I am here after 18 plus years of consistent klonopin use of 3 mg a day. Prior to that, off and on use of xanax, ativan, and tranxene. Geez, I sound like a drug abuser, but those were prescribed to me for anxiety. It all started when I was in the middle of a bad, bad marriage. I had one panic attack at age 15 out of nowhere but I was 23 when profound anxiety started thanks to the dear ex. Yes, I was totally innocent...lol. However, he was an unbelievable a@#Hole and it was too much for me to handle with the birth of 2 children within 2 years of each other. Ok, I could write a book but I won't! You're welcome!

 

So I was put on a tricyclic antidepressant (no spell check I did not meant to spell tricycle!) and tranxene 7.5 mg. I stayed on it through nursing school, that was challenging, amazingly got through it somehow and surprise, surprise a divorce. Wow, what tumultuous times. ONCE I got off all benzos for maybe 2-3 months and felt great but stupid me went back on ativan because I guess I was just too wimpy to try to handle stress without mother's little helper. Working as a single mom as a nurse, 12 hour shifts, weekends and nights, trying to raise boys. I was ill equipped to handle all that. Next progression was from ativan to the evil klonopin, the doc told me how GREAT it was, longer acting and had a longer half life, etc. I remember that day very well and that doctor. I can see her face!

 

After 9 years of klonopin use, it became obvious to me that I was no longer to handle my life, my job or anything else for that matter. Hindsight being 20/20 I truly believe that the long term use of it had a big role in the demise of my common sense and mental health. I was having trouble with memory at work and with handling the high tech stressful job of critical care nursing. So a complete meltdown was inevitable, but I was clueless that it was coming. At age 50 I took an overdose of klonopin and that was the beginning of the end, I lost everything. My house, my job, my car and my independence. I was put in a hospital and was in and out of it for 8 more years. The last hospitalization was in February 2013 when a doctor took me off klonopin cold turkey. I knew that I needed to be off of it so I continued the withdrawal on my own. Since then I am back to my old self in a lot of ways, no more suicidal thoughts or tendencies. I know that I will never go back to a hospital for those reasons again. So here I am, almost 11 months klonopin free, still with lots of symptoms but considering how long I was on the stuff and how it completely changed my brain to make me someone that I did not recognize, I think I am doing pretty good. I have some really bad days (like today) and some fairly good days wherein I can function somewhat normally and don't feel in terror or despair.

 

I could easily have had a stroke or seizure and died from the cold turkey withdrawal and I have been through hell, but obviously it needed to happen somehow. I feel like this is a second chance at life for me, I am 58 and still could somehow begin to enjoy life again. There have been some very small windows in the last month and I pray all the time for healing. Now it won't help to lay blame, but I can think of a few people that helped get my life off in a ditch, but I have to look forward and not backwards. All the horrible symptoms have seemed to be and continue to be some kind of punishment, but what did I do wrong? Most of the time I do blame myself for how things have turned out, but I have to work at not thinking that way or I cannot make it. One day at a time, I will make it!!!

 

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!

 

 

that's a great story katia!

 

i was just thinking about this thread this afternoon. you must of read some of my thoughts as i was going to stop by to bump it up. i like this thread and it deserves to hang around for while.

 

i was on the klonopin for about 25 years but had a 7 year break where i was completely benzo free along with tons of other meds including opiates and soma. i am one of the ones who didn't know about 'protracted' withdrawals while i had those 7 years being benzo free and that is what ultimately led me back on the klonopin for another ten plus years. yay

 

congratulations on being almost 11 months klonopin free and yes, like you--i also should have and could have had a stroke, another seizure and died during this last cold turkey. i did have a seizure that first time i got off.

 

i would say you are doing exceptionally well! i am too!-- although pretty much still bed ridden and house bound. at 20 months since the c/t and 16 months away from my last rescue benzo i am starting to have glimpes of normalcy where the derealisation and depersonalization lift for a little while and what i call 'partial windows'--when i can function a little better even though i still have neuropathy symptoms in my legs, knee's and feet.

 

i was diagnosed with MS in 2002 and that's when the doctor put me back on the klonopin but the more i read about all the similar symptoms i have as all the posts on this forum, i really do think that i may not have that particualr diagnosis. i won't know until healed from this.

 

i think it's great that you are having small windows. that is a very good healing sign. i get them too, not full on wide open windows but i also pray for healing and windows all the time.

 

and yes, you have lots of life ahead of you!

 

hang in there! we are getting there each day!

 

pretty

[[am...]]

Hi All,

 

Another long term benzo user here - 28 years. I was prescribed klonopin after I had panic attacks for a couple of weeks in a row after an allergic reaction to food. I was 24 years old. The pdoc told me that I probably had depression because my mom had bi-polar depression. I had never experienced any depression symptoms before I was put on Klonopin. I was a little shy and high strung, but that was my personality and I had a great childhood.

 

Over the years I tried several times to stop taking klonopin and got very sick each time. Unfortunately, none of the 3 pdocs I had over my 28 years of use recognized that it was benzo withdrawal that was making me sick when I would try to stop taking it and they all said that it was most likely my "illness" that was making me sick and that I probably needed to stay on the "medicine". If one of them would have told me that you can't stop taking the medicine without tapering off of it I could have stopped it many years ago.

 

I had numerous tests on my thyroid (all negative) and was put on about 15 different antidepressants over the years trying to combat the sickly feelings that I was told were my "depression" that was really the benzo withdrawal from being on 2mgs daily for so many years . It amazes me that I had to find out for myself on the internet what was making me sick and none of my highly paid and so called well educated pocs had a clue !!!! 

 

Soooo, I tapered for 9 months and have been benzo free for 5 weeks now. I feel like I am doing really good considering I put this poison into my system for over a quarter of a century. I currently still have tinnitus, benzo belly (gained 15 lbs. during taper), some cog fog and memory issues and a few other sx's that come and go, but I really turned a corner about 3 weeks ago and lost the depression and some of the other really nasty symptoms that came with withdrawal.

 

Any of you that are still suffering badly please hang in there cause I believe that we all heal at our own rates and your time is coming.

 

Take care everyone,

 

Patrick       

 

[[No...]]

Hi, Patrick. I always enjoy your posts. 

 

A similar thing happened to me with my pdoc. I told her years ago that I wanted off Klonopin, that it hadn't helped me sleep for a long time, but that when I cut my dose, my insomnia got exponentially worse. That would have been an awesome time for her to tell me about withdrawal (not to mention tolerance withdrawal!), but no ... I obviously still needed to take Klonopin. 

 

I'm around three weeks off and don't feel spectacular, but I feel better than when I was on a full dose of K. I'm sleeping better, thinking better, and am in a much better mood.

 

I'm feeling angry at my doctor, though. I intend to write her a letter when I'm feeling less bitter about the whole thing. It seems important to do that for others who might be in the same situation.

 

What do you think? Have you talked to your doctor about any of this?

[[am...]]

Hi NKN,

 

Thanks! I really liked your reply to Bart in the other post.

 

Yes, I would like to tell my pdocs what I think about them as well.  My second one passed away about a year ago, so I can't inform him, but I can advise the one that put me on the klonopin and the idiot that I saw a few months ago - #3. I need to make sure I will be stable after I taper off of my Pristique before I piss him off, but I firmly believe that I will. It is just very hard to believe that so few others have bad withdrawals (or so my current pdoc says). He claims that he has only had about 3 patients that have had difficult withdrawals. I don't believe him though. I think that they get some $$ for writing a certain amount of scripts for certain big pharma's. I hope I am wrong, but there sure seems to be some evidence that is what is happening.

 

Sorry to hear that you have been having some rough times recently NKN. Hang in there, I think we are both through the worst of it !

 

Patrick 

[[No...]]

Appreciate it, Patrick. 

 

Gosh, I hope you're right about being through the worst of it, because if you are, this will have been a lot easier than I was expecting it to be.

 

I know there are doctors who are "compensated" by the pharmaceutical companies, and I think it's despicable. If that's what your doctor is doing, you have all the more reason to be livid.

 

I don't think my doctor is on the take. I think she's lazy, uninformed, paternalistic, and ego-driven, among other things (yeah, maybe I'm a tad annoyed with her ). I feel like a lot of stuff about her has become abundantly clear since I'm more cognitively efficient than I've been in a long time, but maybe I'm not as clear as I think I am, because I'm in acute...? So, yeah, I'll wait to contact her until I'm more sure of myself.

 

I've heard of Pristiq, but I never took it. I tapered off of Zoloft (4-month taper after 10 years of high-dose use). It was pure cake compared to benzo withdrawal, but as the refrain goes, we're all different.

 

Wishing you an uneventful taper, in any case, on your way to complete freedom!

 

[[An...]]

Hello to everyone.  Long term user here too. 

 

This is the most difficult thing I have ever done.  Even harder than re-living abuse issues in therapy and perhaps harder then living through them in the first place.  Harder than therapy because I was Rx-numbed for that and harder than my childhood because it started so young that I learned to dissociated and then was drunk/stoned during the last part of that .  Really though, I do understand that psychic pain is a lot like any other discomfort - like it's almost impossible to remember feeling hungry when full . . .

 

I was prescribed K 25 years ago when I was having huge trouble moderating my emotions while going through psychotherapy.  Rage and panic have always been an integral part of (what I now know is) Misophonia and  everyone then thought it was a sx of PTSD.  So now Misophonia is really bad -  completely off the charts - in w/d even though the Rx never really helped with it much.  I had several Dr's tell me it was fine to just stop taking it because i was on such a small dose . . .

 

I have been off for 4 months and symptoms are troubling but not anywhere near as bad as they were in the beginning.  I must remember that in order to know I am making progress.  Misophonia is kicking my butt and I fear anorexia/bulimia are threatening to re-emerge.  I have not succumbed to eating disorders - and I feel I won't - but the edginess is - - ugh.  I do not complain well.  I have lost 40 pounds in w/d.

 

The thing most bothersome now - and I cannot find info anywhere - is my solar plexus is almost constantly revved up in panic mode but mostly after I eat (and now after I drink too).  Can anyone help me with this???

 

Thank you for your time and reading this.  <3 to us all

[[An...]]

OKAY!!!  Since I posted this, I looked again and found all sorts of posts about solar plexus panic.  reading now!!!!

[[pr...]]

I'm more cognitively efficient than I've been in a long time, but maybe I'm not as clear as I think I am, because I'm in acute...? So, yeah, I'll wait to contact her until I'm more sure of myself.

 

NKN,

 

yeah, i think when you're in a window it will be even more clear what to do and about everything. it's just such a night

and day difference. i've been in that place that i felt much clearer than ever even in acute withdrawal and then a window

hits and it's like, oh boy--what a difference!

 

Annie,

 

hope you found the answers of what to do about solar plexus panic.

 

He claims that he has only had about 3 patients that have had difficult withdrawals.

 

i also think there are probably a lot of people out there who are still in tolerance withdrawl from benzo's and still

don't understand whay is happening to them. i couldn't believe that rapidly tapering from klonopin would make me

feel the way i did so i was always going to the doctor for something else or something i didn't know about it. i just couldn't

make the connection for a long time.

[[An...]]

Annie,

 

hope you found the answers of what to do about solar plexus panic.

 

You mean there's something I can DO?!  I only read that it's another w/d sx.  Where can I find a solution?

 

Thank you

[[pr...]]

OKAY!!!  Since I posted this, I looked again and found all sorts of posts about solar plexus panic.  reading now!!!!

 

i wrote that in reply to your quote here. i hope you can find something that will help you. if it's just another

withdrawal symptom then i hope it goes away for you soon!

[Guest [Da...]]

Hi Long Term Buddies:

 

I'll join your thread. Thanks Oscar for starting it. I hope you are feeling okay. I'm always rooting for you.

 

I had situational depression and was put on Prozac first which gave me anxiety as a side effect. Then, I was switched to Paxil, again anxiety. This all happened within a two month period. I was encouraged to stay on the antidepressant and give it time. Didn't know it at the time that SSRIs can cause anxiety for some, and, for me, it sure did.

 

My GP's answer was Clonazepam, and boy did it work. The huge downside was rebound depression and anxiety for 13 years and being placed on various antidepressants and combos (22 of them and it would have been more if I didn't decide to taper). What a mess my life became with bad benzo hazed choices, and the awful cycling depression.

 

My taper wasn't a cakewalk, but it was overall tolerable so I was able to function mostly. I remained positive and that helped.

 

I'm now almost 8 months free. I'm feeling pretty good and quite active in my life. At around 6 months off, my muscle mass finally came back. While tapering, I had lost a lot of weight even though I ate healthy, and my skin hanged. I looked horrid.

 

I do have a few mild/low level intermittent s/xs such as body pain, fatigue, cog fog, and that leg tingling crap (never had that before tapering), but since it's intermittent, I don't worry about it or take heed. Really appreciate the overall mental clarity though and feeling alive.

 

Sometimes, I look back at all those years on Clonazepam and think WTF, if only I knew it was Clonazepam doing this. You know, had some insight. Pdoc was always switching my antidepressant around, and I was forever hopeful that this new antidepressant would finally work, but NO, it never happened. My pdoc's last diagnosis was that I was untreatable. He never thought it was the benzo.

 

Btw, I managed to get my university honours degree while being on Clonazepam...how, I don't know because that depression would creep in. Also, during that time I was so concerned with my crap memory and I was very hard on myself. I studied for an exam, remembered the material, and then a week later I couldn't recall shit...very upsetting.

 

I try not think about any of that stuff anymore. What's the point as it's in the past.

 

I do feel that we long term users have a lot of adjustment ahead of us after being in that masked benzo haze for so long.

 

Stay strong long term buddies 

 

Hugs and peace to all,

 

Danni

[[Ka...]]

Danni,

 

Wow, I can relate to your experiences exactly. I also had the anxiety ramped up from prozac, paxil and zoloft was a nightmare. Never have found one that did not cause some unbearable side effect. Cymbalta worked but caused high BP, and that was with a ton a klonopin to calm me down. Your story made me think of the awful journey I have been on after several years of the evil K started causing me so many physical issues, depression worsened and cognitive function was at an all time low! It still amazes me that I could never discern that it was causes problems, I thought it all was a result of my long term depression. The meds for depression I took and the 3-4 mg of klonopin a day was really a witches brew combination for me!

 

And WOW, props to your for being able to get your university honors degree, that is awesome. Truly I do not know how you managed that! I have quite a quagmire of problems regarding needing to take continuing education for my nursing license. Not sure what to do about it. I guess I will try to get it done but I only have until April 30th to complete. I was on a benzo, low dose while I went to nursing school, but not klonopin at a whopping dose! I think that makes a difference. When I melted down in a stressful nursing job that was killing me, it seemed like the end of the world. That was 8 years ago. Long story.

 

The benzo haze that I was in for so many years gives me horrors to think about, especially the things I did when the mental illness started. That was not the real me, but I lost almost everything including "friends" and some family. Everyone seemed to lose all respect for me. It has been certainly life changing and not in a good way.

 

Thanks for the post, it helped me to not feel so alone and like a train wreck.

 

Katia

[Guest [Da...]]

I'm sorry you suffered so much Katia Kane. Yes, our histories are alike. It truly is a crime and Clonzepam is the spawn of the devil.

 

I remember all those anti-depressant side effects. Absolutely horrid. Combined with the apathy and cog fog Clonazepam gave me, I'm surprised I survived.

 

I had a pdoc (one of many) in 2004 and I was feeling better so I suggested to him that I stop my anti-depressant and remain on Clonazepam, because I thought it truly worked (LOL). He told me that Clonazepam alone causes depression and he recommended that I stay on my anti-depressant.

 

Yes, it's the years lost while in the benzo haze. I stopped caring about maintaining friendships so many were lost. The flipside was that I was tormented by having done that and not knowing how to repair it.

 

My creativity and problem solving skills disappeared...and the constant depression. I was told by my last pdoc that I would need to be on anti-depressants for life and I believed it. He appeared so genuine in his mission to help me even though I knew our mental health treats by meds only. So many patients at our main hospital are probably in the same boat I was in...switching of anti-depressants when efficacy was lost, and the constant that remained was benzos and they don't even have a clue, just like I didn't. It's so sad. Seriously, our psych policy/treatment should be revamped.

 

I was able to stop my anti-depressant while I was tapering (around 3.5mg) and that was the first time in over 14 years.

 

So now I have to rebuild my life and that takes time. Hey, Rome wasn't built overnight day lol...argh! Taking it day to day helps. I make changes when it's opportune.

 

Take it easy right now, get the nursing license when ready. Try not to add stress into your life while in recovery if at all possible.

[Guest [Da...]]

BTW, if it wasn't for the support of my husband and his tolerance to my incessant benzo w/d talk/research that bordered on OCD (w/d s/x lol), plus the fact that I didn't have to work outside of my home for most of my w/d, I doubt if I could have succeeded in getting off benzos. He truly is a saint. I feel so bad for anyone doing this alone, so here is a to all doing it alone.

 

[[pr...]]

Yes, it's the years lost while in the benzo haze. I stopped caring about maintaining friendships so many were lost. The flipside was that I was tormented by having done that and not knowing how to repair it.

 

this is coming up strong for me right now. i am going through major grief of losing every single person in my life since i was in major tolerance wd for about ten years. i'm surprised at some of the other things i did accomplish while in this state.

i don't know the first person who i would call or connect with first. that's got to be up to the Universe i guess

[[Ka...]]

prettydaisys,

 

I too am surprised that I accomplished anything in my benzo haze. I was on a low dose of tranxene during nursing school. I think it helped me get through all the anxiety with trying to do that, live with a $%#$ husband and deal with 2 children. Plus I got separated when I had 6 months of school left, I was kicked out of nursing school because a nurse nazi instructor decided for me that I was too stressed out. I went to LPN school my year off and then finished the RN program later with flying colors! Those nursing instructors are like marine drill sergeants. She was not so infinitely wise as she thought!

 

However after being on klonopin for a few years, my strong will could not save my mental health. It nearly destroyed me. I lost all necessary intellectual function necessary to work as a RN, eventually had to quit. I lost respect and all my friends I had, well most of them. It seemed everyone started to despise me. I still have no contact with old friends, when I have tried to talk to them they will have a short phone conversation but never want to go further than that. All that is really painful. I wonder if they were real friends to begin with or if I did things that were so bad that drove them away. I truly don't know! I know that the world is not very forgiving of any weakness or transgression. I tend to blame myself and think I am just a bad person. Still it is hard to believe how I went on for years not seeming to realize how I was screwing up my life and ruining my career. I want to get it back but wonder if the bridges are completely burned down or can they be rebuilt.

 

I can see all this now but feel rather defeated and like it would be useless to try to get back in the world and work again. Definitely I fear rejection. The large hospital system I worked for is powerful in my town and it seems they have blackballed me. I did not do anything wrong as far as nursing goes, they just got angry with me for various infractions like being late to work or unable to work because of my hungover drug hazed and sometimes alcohol hazed state. I would have never been drinking alcohol the night before work so heavily if I had not been so messed up. I am clean and sober now but again fear that too much water has gone over the bridge now to repair it. What a mess! I need help figuring out where to go from here. 

[[...]]

I'd like to join this group if it's okay. I am now in my 31st year of being on benzos so I think it's safe to say I'm a long-term user. There is so much to say that I don't know where to begin. Let me just start posting with this:

 

My biggest question?

 

What happened during the last 30 years of my life? I don't remember! 

 

 

Danni, I know what you mean about those having to go through this alone. My heart aches for those that do. But, at the same time, I think that all of us have to go through this alone whether we have somebody holding our hand or not. Do you know what I mean? I've been on this train for almost 2 years now with my husband right by my side yet, still, I am alone. He has never had to withdraw from anything in his life, let alone a drug as nasty as benzos, so although he's my rock, he still doesn't understand. Did you feel like that yourself sometimes -- like even though you had your husband supporting you, you were still alone? The loneliness of this process is, for me, almost unbearable.

 

I'm feeling a bit off today so for now I'll just say hello, if that's alright.

 

Hi Oscar, NoNo, Juliea, Pretty, Beau, leanek, Bluebell, FlowerPxwer, benzogirl, R1ryder, southern, Deborah, Susumia, underthecovers, Thisbe, Challis, Katia, ama, and Annie!

 

 

 

koko

 

 

[[am...]]

Hi koko,

 

yes, I know exactly what you mean about this being a lonely experience, cause no one around us can comprehend how brutal it is except other buddies who have been there. I hope you feel better soon !

[[...]]

What you say is so true, ama. I wish that there were benzo support groups, 'real life' ones, that we could go to to help ease this benzo w/d loneliness. Someday there will be. I think we're just ahead of our time here.

 

Hey, I was just reading the thread that you started about working and I see that you're feeling about 80-90% right now? That is wonderful! I'm so happy for you! You jumped mid-December and after so many years on benzos you're already at 80-90%?

 

You give me so much hope!

 

Was your taper hard on you? Looking back, what were your worse sxs?

 

Thanks, ama. Continued healing to you!

 

 

koko

 

 

[[am...]]

Hi Koko

 

My worst issues were close to the end of my taper. I would say that dp/dr & depression were my worst for about a month. I had most of the symptoms, but the dark depression was the worst. I actually felt like I lost my soul for a couple of weeks. That psychosis feeling was super scary. I went too fast, but 9 months isn't really slow. Good luck Koko!

[Guest [Da...]]

I'd like to join this group if it's okay. I am now in my 31st year of being on benzos so I think it's safe to say I'm a long-term user. There is so much to say that I don't know where to begin. Let me just start posting with this:

 

My biggest question?

 

What happened during the last 30 years of my life? I don't remember! 

 

 

Danni, I know what you mean about those having to go through this alone. My heart aches for those that do. But, at the same time, I think that all of us have to go through this alone whether we have somebody holding our hand or not. Do you know what I mean? I've been on this train for almost 2 years now with my husband right by my side yet, still, I am alone. He has never had to withdraw from anything in his life, let alone a drug as nasty as benzos, so although he's my rock, he still doesn't understand. Did you feel like that yourself sometimes -- like even though you had your husband supporting you, you were still alone? The loneliness of this process is, for me, almost unbearable.

 

I'm feeling a bit off today so for now I'll just say hello, if that's alright.

 

Hi Oscar, NoNo, Juliea, Pretty, Beau, leanek, Bluebell, FlowerPxwer, benzogirl, R1ryder, southern, Deborah, Susumia, underthecovers, Thisbe, Challis, Katia, ama, and Annie!

 

 

 

koko

 

OMG koko, 30 years! You poor thing. My heart aches for you. I think you win the prize for being on benzos the longest. Prize, my **. Yes, definitely alone because he wasn't going through it. It sure helped that he was around though. I was isolated enough and without him, hmmm, it would have been super tough. For sure.

 

Ama, the DP/DR, morning dreads, and depression hit me too close to the end since the benzo had no therapeutic effect any longer. After three weeks, everything let up. It didn't help that I had a life change close to the end of my taper so that was stressful. Oh well, can't stop life, can we. But that all passed.

 

Prettydaisys and Katia Kane, trust me, things will turn around for you. You will know what to do. Just let it be, give it some time, and wonders will occur. Try not to worry

 

 

[[...]]

Hi Koko

 

My worst issues were close to the end of my taper. I would say that dp/dr & depression were my worst for about a month. I had most of the symptoms, but the dark depression was the worst. I actually felt like I lost my soul for a couple of weeks. That psychosis feeling was super scary. I went too fast, but 9 months isn't really slow. Good luck Koko!

 

Sorry you had to go through such bad depression, ama.   Not that this is a good thing but my pdoc has Rx in hand for me in case I start falling into a depressed state. It's almost as if he's waiting UNTIL it happens and not IF it happens.

 

I had both dp/dr for a few months and then the dp dropped off the map (thank goodness) and I've been left with the dr. I've had if solid for about 5-6 months now? I've lost track. Funny, though, yesterday and today I've had a couple of very strange experiences. I had some amount of time when I've felt like it was almost not there anymore. But whatever lies outside the dr has a mosquito net or something over it so I can't really experience it fully. It's way too hard to explain but maybe it sounds familiar to you.

 

I know what you mean about the 9 months feeling both short and long at the same time. I look back at my taper so far and think, omg, almost 2 years is an insane amount of time. Yet on the other hand I can't imagine having done it any faster.

 

Thanks for the Good Luck, ama. Same goes out to you.

 

 

koko

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I know, right, Danni? 30+ years. A lifetime. Well, I guess I should win some sort of prize for endurance anyway. lol. Actually, I think the real prize is waiting for me sometime in 2014 when I'm done with this taper and getting on with my life. I just hope that I've got what it takes to cope with "real life". Honestly, I have no idea who I am anymore. That's the freakiest thing about this all.

 

Like Oscar wrote in his intro post, this is about rediscovery. I think I like myself more and more as my dose drops lower and lower. Who'd have ever thought that was possible? 

 

 

koko

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prettydaisys,

 

I too am surprised that I accomplished anything in my benzo haze. I was on a low dose of tranxene during nursing school. I think it helped me get through all the anxiety with trying to do that, live with a $%#$ husband and deal with 2 children. Plus I got separated when I had 6 months of school left, I was kicked out of nursing school because a nurse nazi instructor decided for me that I was too stressed out. I went to LPN school my year off and then finished the RN program later with flying colors! Those nursing instructors are like marine drill sergeants. She was not so infinitely wise as she thought!

 

However after being on klonopin for a few years, my strong will could not save my mental health. It nearly destroyed me. I lost all necessary intellectual function necessary to work as a RN, eventually had to quit. I lost respect and all my friends I had, well most of them. It seemed everyone started to despise me. I still have no contact with old friends, when I have tried to talk to them they will have a short phone conversation but never want to go further than that. All that is really painful. I wonder if they were real friends to begin with or if I did things that were so bad that drove them away. I truly don't know! I know that the world is not very forgiving of any weakness or transgression. I tend to blame myself and think I am just a bad person. Still it is hard to believe how I went on for years not seeming to realize how I was screwing up my life and ruining my career. I want to get it back but wonder if the bridges are completely burned down or can they be rebuilt.

 

I can see all this now but feel rather defeated and like it would be useless to try to get back in the world and work again. Definitely I fear rejection. The large hospital system I worked for is powerful in my town and it seems they have blackballed me. I did not do anything wrong as far as nursing goes, they just got angry with me for various infractions like being late to work or unable to work because of my hungover drug hazed and sometimes alcohol hazed state. I would have never been drinking alcohol the night before work so heavily if I had not been so messed up. I am clean and sober now but again fear that too much water has gone over the bridge now to repair it. What a mess! I need help figuring out where to go from here.

 

hi katia,

 

i didn't see this post last night. "Let It Be" 'there will be an answer is a good way to let all of this come to it's own fruition about getting back into the world again and either re-connecting with old friends and/or making new friends, aquaintenance's, co-workers and the like. the Universe is good that way--although hard to see the mircales it provides when deep within the withdrawal symtpoms.

 

in windows we will know excatly what to do about everything. it's just too bad this syndrome take so long to heal for some of us.

 

thanks Danni for posting "Let it Be'...needed to hear that tonight 

 

by the way koko, i'm right behind you in the 25 year mark. although it was broken up. my mother always says to me "it's that 7 years clean and sober the only reason you're still alive" i don't know what it is, but i'm still here. just wish i felt like gold instead of chemical sulfuric acid.