24 days since I checked into detox....

[[Ji...]]

Thank you for those links!  It's so good to know that I do not travel this path alone.    I am coming to grips with acceptance and have fastened up my seat belt and gonna try my best to live life as normal as I can.  Each day I am feeling a little bit better, I have to focus on the positives of my healing.  Today I went to my job and saw some of my coworkers and some of the clients.  Even though I felt like they were looking at me like , I knew that even the mere overwhelming unwanted thoughts are a part of the withdrawal process.    I go back to work on Christmas day.  I have missed that place.

 

~blessings

♥Jill

[[mr...]]

That's great!

let us know how it goes.

 

 

[[Ji...]]

Today was such a beautiful day!  Despite my uncontrollable twitch here and there, my anxiety level has come down quite a bit from yesterday.  Yesterday I felt spacey and anxious.  Today is much clearer.  Darling husband, my son and I went for a hike today.  It was exciting, we love to explore in the wilderness.  Afterwards we hit up a garage sale and hippie store and i got some insence to burn.  Then I did 5 loads of laundry and cooked dinner.  I felt a lil normal today actually, even if was for just a little while.  I am learning to enjoy life despite these withdrawals.  When the anxiety hits, I practice tapping and positive affirmations and accept that is the withdrawals instead of fight it and beat myself up over it.  Yes I do get discouraged especially with this annoying twitch that comes out of nowhere but I am determined to not let it control the rest of my life, Lord willing. The fire sensations in back have calmed down quite a bit too.

 

~blessings

Jill

[[je...]]

Jill-

      Good for you... I am a firm believer in the power of positive thinking and it sounds like you have a really great mindset. Keep checking in.  It's so nice to hear that all of us heal....rapid taper or not.  Jess

[[Ji...]]

Thank you Jessica for your encouraging words!

 

~blessings

♥Jill

[[ce...]]

Jill-

      Good for you... I am a firm believer in the power of positive thinking and it sounds like you have a really great mindset. Keep checking in.  It's so nice to hear that all of us heal....rapid taper or not.  Jess

[[ea...]]

Jillean

I am glad to read you are doing better. You deserve it. And obviously you have fought to get better. I wish you all the best!!!!

[[Ji...]]

I think the other meds are stabalizing me, along with the mental work and using my new coping skills.  Doc prescribed 50mg of prozac and 10 mg nortriptaline at bedtime.  The atarax I have not taken in a couple days, it is a as needed script for anxiety.  I go back to work on Christmas day, had lots of rest and I feel I am mentally and physically able to go back.  We shall see

 

Praying for a well deserved speedy recovery for you! 

 

~blessings

♥Jill

[[mu...]]

EastCoast - your medical detox sounded like mine.  After seven days they kicked me out and I wasn't even done with the Ativan taper.  I was in the hospital for three days  before they started the taper.  The next morning after they released me I was in full withdrawal and bad blood pressure.  I ended up in the ER.  I'm almost seven months out and still fighting the withdrawal.  Mornings are terrible.  I'm usually better by nighttime but lately the nights haven't been good.  I can't plan to do anything because I never know how I'm going to feel at that time. 

[[Ji...]]

I survived my first day back at work.

 

It was mentally draining fighting off all the negative thoughts that plague my mind and trying to pretend i was not anxious.  But I had to step out of my comfort zone and pave a path against the grain.  Even if I was afraid, I told myself , do it in fear because I have to start somewhere and I have to try to overcome these thoughts lest they get the best of me.  The healing continues as I learn to deal with my high emotions.

 

I go to work again this afternoon and then I have one day off to rest.  We are supposed to be getting a blizzard today, this afternoon to be exact.  I am praying that it will hold off until I get there, please join me in prayer if you feel led to.  I love my job.  I love the clients and it was good to go back and be welcomed with so many hugs.  It is a good experience to feel you have been missed and to get back into some things that I love to do.

 

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!

 

~blessings

 

[[ea...]]

Hey Jillean,

Did you do ok in the blizzard??? Hope so! I have to give you a lot of credit, continuing to work during your ordeal. There is no way I could be out in the public that much, my difficulties would truly scare folks.

[[Ji...]]

I made it to work and home safely    Thank u LORD!  Thanks for asking *hugs*

 

Eastcoast, luckily I have some pretty awesome and understanding coworkers!  You gotta try your best, but no doubt take the time you need.  It ain't easy by far, getting past all the negative crap that going on in my mind and facing my fears while in fear seems to be working at the moment.  I pray it continues to work that way, Lord willing.

 

Praying for your healing, thank you so much for your concern.  *hugs*

 

And work was good today, better than yesterday.

 

~blessings

 

♥Jill

[[my...]]

jill I am so proud of you I have not read this whole thread but you getting off benzos cold turkey after 16 yrs is amazing  I took ativan about 3 mg a day for 9 yrs then took klonopin for 9 yrs and I could not tolerate getting off cold turkey.  I became psychotic when pulled off c/t.  so I have tapered over 8 months and have 1 month benzo free behing me as of today.  today is my exact 1 month mark.  yeah!! I am proud of you for working I could not do it and I was misdiagnosed as bipolar in tolerance.  I have not worked in 5 yrs and I miss it.  I hope I can return to my work when I get well. 

 

I am so glad you found benzobuddies I wish I could have had this website 9 yrs ago.  it may have saved many more yrs of suffering for me.  keep talking to us and keep up the fight.  you can beat this monster

[[mu...]]

Jill -I'm so glad you made it back to work .  Since my job was cut back to part time I work in the afternoons.  I want this morning stuff to end so bad.  I can't even do the simplest thing in the morning.  I discovered that when I get to work the withdrawal symptoms seem to disappear.  I think it is because my brain is concentrating so hard to complete the work.  Hopefully the same will happen to you and your anxiety will go away once you start working.  You mentioned a blizzard was coming.  I just finished trying to make my hair look presentable and I heard on the news about the terrible weather in the northeast.  Hope you are not in that mess.  I hate driving to work in the snow.  Good luck this week. 

[[Ji...]]

Thank you mystery and mustlove dogs.

 

And oh yes I am in that mess in the northeast!  We got a good 8 inches where I am at.  They got the crews out on the roads and are pretty much clear now, but last night driving home was no fun.  But I survived.

 

What kind of issues are you having in the am?  I wake up anxious and have to continously talk myself down with positive self talk and affirmations.  As soon as I start fixating on something and get these obsessive thoughts it is hard to return from them so I try to catch it as early as I can and try to reprogram my brain.  It does get exhausting, as time goes on I am hoping that it becomes more natural so I am not always in this mental battle.

 

And yes once I get back in to the routine of things and focusing on others then Im not paying any attention to my thinking.  That is one of my main reasons for getting back to work, to just be able to be "out of myself" per say.  Shifting the focus off of me so I don't spiral down.

 

Today we went to walmart to pick up a few things and I started to get anxious and had a belly ache brewing because of it.  But I told myself I am not going to run, I'm going to face it and I pushed myself to feel the feelings I'm having and I reassured myself that I was safe and thanked my body for trying to warn me of potential danger coupled with more reassurance that my body is just trying to look out for me but I am fine and I am safe.  <<< thats all the tiring mental work that I do to be able to function in a "normal" way.  As well as reminding myself that my body is healing and it is just the withdrawals, it will pass.

 

It does get exhausting and I can see how people would not be able to work, no doubt it isnt an easy task. 

 

Thank you for your support, encouragement and friendships, much appreciated.  I hope that we all recover completely soon.

 

~blessings

♥Jill

[[mr...]]

 

What kind of issues are you having in the am?  I wake up anxious and have to continously talk myself down with positive self talk and affirmations.  As soon as I start fixating on something and get these obsessive thoughts it is hard to return from them so I try to catch it as early as I can and try to reprogram my brain.  It does get exhausting, as time goes on I am hoping that it becomes more natural so I am not always in this mental battle.

 

Hi Jill,

That's awesome that u r creating, rerouting and repairing synapses in your nervous system.

 

[[Va...]]

"Today we went to walmart to pick up a few things and I started to get anxious and had a belly ache brewing because of it.  But I told myself I am not going to run, I'm going to face it and I pushed myself to feel the feelings I'm having and I reassured myself that I was safe and thanked my body for trying to warn me of potential danger coupled with more reassurance that my body is just trying to look out for me but I am fine and I am safe.  <<< thats all the tiring mental work that I do to be able to function in a "normal" way.  As well as reminding myself that my body is healing and it is just the withdrawals, it will pass."

 

You are awesome! Very inspiring!

 

[[Ma...]]

HI Jill,

 

I'm very glad to hear you are doing so well after a c/t.  I am trying to believe God is bigger than this too.

 

God bless you.

 

Mairin33

 

P.S. would like to be buddies

[[Ji...]]

Wow thank you all for the encouraging words.  It made my morning so much brighter!

 

Our other car has been broken down so I have been having to get up at 6:45am to take my husband to work.  This morning was a rough one for me.  Getting out of bed and being that I am anxious as it is when i wake up and then on top of it I fell down a few stairs on some ice.  I was talking myself down all the way there and back.  Came home ate a bowl of cereal and took my meds and went back to sleep listening to a pastor who was encouraging the congregation.  I woke up to another pastor, who in my mind was talking negative and I started to personalize what I was hearing.  I quickly changed the channel and found something more suitable for me to listen to. 

 

I am thinking that I may have to go down in my hours at work temporarily.  Maybe by two days a pay period which would still enable me to keep my health insurance but would give me the time I need to readapt.  I have to work these next 3 days and I go see my therapist on Monday, although I did talk to her today on the phone about this and said it might be what we have to do.  Unless things change overnight, this unpredictability of the anxiety is what is throwing me through a loop.

 

Any thoughts or suggestions?

 

~blessings

♥Jill

[[mu...]]

Jill - it's so hard to describe how I feel for hours in the morning.  Maybe it is anxiety but I don't seem to be worried when I wake up.  It's like the nerves inside my body are on fire and pushing to get out.  The feeling is so intense some days it wakes me up.  Does that make any sense?  If someone else has the same feeling in the morning I would love to hear from you.  To get rid of it I pace in my house or winery for hours in the morning.  Lately I have been singing Christmas carols while pacing.  I bought myself a Christmas present of the Sex and the City complete series on DVD.  I plan to watch them while on the treadmill in the morning.  I hope by concentrating on the show the miserable inside feeling will go away.

 

I guess it was a blessing that my job was made part time.  I really don 't think I could work full time and be at work at 8 am.  It's hard enough to put my make up on and fix my hair at 10 am.  I can't image trying to do those things at 7 am.  The  loss of pay has been a blow.  We depended on my paycheck to pay the bills.  I keep telling myself  I 'm lucky to still have a job.

[[...]]

I think I know exactly what you mean, MLD!

 

When I wake up, my mind and body start screaming.  I feel like I need to go run a marathon.  Stinging, burning, vibrating and pain occur, instantly.  I want to, literally, scream; but, I don't.  I feel enormous terror upon waking up which continues for hours.  I can think about ANYTHING and feel terror.  ....and....yes...it is like the nerves in my lower back and right buttock are on fire and pushing to get out.  That was a very apt description that you wrote!  You described how I feel. Oh, yes, then there is the ever-present agoraphobia.

 

I am glad that you are able to work while feeling so poorly. You have much strength and courage.  I am glad that you have found ways to distract yourself.  I think I have watched every movie on NetFlix (just kidding).  Watching movies helps me.  Writing helps me.  Doing photo editing helps me.  I have to try to find something to take my mind off of what I am feeling. Mind you, I find that concentrating and focusing is most difficult.  I, for example, will watch a movie for all of 5 mins, then peruse the Internet for another 5 mins, etc.

 

Jillian, you are doing fantastic, all things considered.  Keep doing what you are doing.  In time, things will settle down for you and others, including me!

 

Here's to hanging on and being brave!

 

The best to everyone!

 

- Y -

 

[[mu...]]

YOW  -  I've had a hard time trying to say how I feel every morning but tonight I was able to find words to describe how my body feels in the morning.  It's nice to know someone else is feeling the same way.  I try so hard to concentrate on things to make that feeling disappear.  I'm almost at the point to go out and drive around for an hour to see if that helps me.  It's been to cold here to start that idea.  I will be thinking about you when I'm pacing in the morning.

 

[[...]]

Sorry it has taken me a day or so to get back to you, MLD!

 

I sure do know how hard it is to find ways to distract.  Whew! I don't have any great suggestions, either.  I guess each of us finds a way that works for us, or works for us to some degree.  If pacing is helping, well, just keep it up.  I wish that you could get out for a walk.  I can't.  I am so crippled from pain that walking hurts. (That was just a side note  - smile).

 

Did you go out for a drive?  If so, did it help?  I, certainly, hope so.

 

Sometimes, I simply play "Free Cell", (solitaire card game that comes with any Windows OS).  It helps me to have to concentrate.  It gives me a few minutes of relief.  Unfortunately, I always feel as though I am racing my way through a game. My mind is on "overtime" all of the time.  I wonder if this is the same for you.

 

Did you really think of me while you were pacing? If so, wow! 

 

I have thought about you several times since I replied to your post.

 

In a way, it is good to know that one has similar symptoms as another person.  It is very validating!  I, otherwise, think that I am causing the problem through my own negative, fearful, or anxious thoughts.  Do you know what I mean?

 

I hope that you have had a better day. 

 

I still think that your descriptor of what your "pain" feels like is so "right on"!  Gawd, I am having excruciating pain as I write this to you.  Blah!

 

JILL: I hope that the "fire sensations" continue to be less.  Oh, how I know what you mean by describing the sensations as though being "on fire".

 

Here's to wishing that all of us figure out more and more ways to endure that which makes us unbearably uncomfortable!

 

If you guys have the time, post here, again, and tell me more about where you feel the "fire", what it is like for you, etc.

 

Thanks so much!

 

- Y -

 

 

[[...]]

http://i1325.photobucket.com/albums/u621/TwoDimes/SnowyWinter-DogMushing_zps8b7afc5f.jpg

[[ce...]]

http://i1325.photobucket.com/albums/u621/TwoDimes/SnowyWinter-DogMushing_zps8b7afc5f.jpg

Wow Yowl, this is really great! Hope you don't mind if I borrow it.