Positivity Pledge. Please join me if you want !

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Good morning positive buddies!

+ happy valentines day to you all

 

Thank you hope for all your kind words. The night I read this I was feeling so weak, and your post gave me motivation to stay patient and faithful. I have been tempted to reinstate ativan so often because of increasing (or perhaps just different symptoms that I find harder to bear) sx, but i always remind myself that I've been CTd for so long now, I have to keep going!

 

Thankful that I am sleeping even if it is rough sleep--thankful that my two most annoying symptoms of the moment are tinnitus and lethargy, and not pain.

 

Going to remain positive today no matter what happens.

 

Wishing all of you love and healing

[[ho...]]

Good morning positive buddies!

+ happy valentines day to you all

 

Thank you hope for all your kind words. The night I read this I was feeling so weak, and your post gave me motivation to stay patient and faithful. I have been tempted to reinstate ativan so often because of increasing (or perhaps just different symptoms that I find harder to bear) sx, but i always remind myself that I've been CTd for so long now, I have to keep going!

 

Thankful that I am sleeping even if it is rough sleep--thankful that my two most annoying symptoms of the moment are tinnitus and lethargy, and not pain.

 

Going to remain positive today no matter what happens.

 

Wishing all of you love and healing

 

Good Morning Chantillie and Happy V-day to you too!!! 

Today I'm going to get myself ready and go the the rink.  Put on my skates and at least make a few passes around the ice.  Hopefully I'll feel up to doing more.  My goal is 20 minutes with a good stretch session afterwards. 

 

Chantillie --- I understand that urge to reinstate.  I've experienced it too.  Others have also.  Please don't.  You are past the dangerous time -- at this point you will not have any life threatening problems with your CT. 

 

Know that you are strong and that your body will not fail you.  Whatever sx come to visit you know that they will also leave.  Stay in the moment.  Do whatever coping skills you are learning to get through.  If you are ever despariate post on the wd support board.  You'll get the support you need.

 

You can do this.  You will get better. 

 

Today is my day 100 and last month I really lost hope of getting better.  Today I'm so pleased with how I've been the past couple of weeks.  So my hope is back.

 

Hang in there!!  XOX  (((((HUGS))))

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Hope! Wow, congratulations on 100 days!!! Way to go!  How was your day on the ice? It gives me so much hope for healing seeing your progress. Thankyou for constantly responding to essentially all of my discussion threads  you have been incredibly supportive, and it's comforting to know that you understand the phases of ativan CT.

 

Losing hope that things will get better..yes. That happens frequently. And seems to change just as frequently for me. Yesterday after posting on the withdrawal support section, the desperately uncomfortable w/d I had just left overtime as I continued watching tv. I was pretty sensitive all day though, and only slept for a brief 2-2.5 hours. What is odd, I have found, is that upon waking I felt alright. Yes, still moderate sx like vertigo and tinnitus and far from normal, but I wasn't fatigued to the point of feeling bedridden. My mind felt relatively clear. No heaviness in my chest. I was relatively calm  it shocked me actually. I guess I really don't understand the chemistry of the body or the brain enough..how do we go from sleeping 5-7 hours a day for a few days and wake up with severe fatigue and pain, to suddenly sleeping poorly again and feeling much better ?

 

Anyway, in any case, I feel really relieved that I am getting this window. I needed this break a lot, so I should thank my body    in the very least, this allows me to continue working with sleep time restrictions with less difficulty.

 

Praying for your ongoing healing *hugs*

Have a great day!

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Hope! Wow, congratulations on 100 days!!! Way to go!  How was your day on the ice? It gives me so much hope for healing seeing your progress. Thankyou for constantly responding to essentially all of my discussion threads  you have been incredibly supportive, and it's comforting to know that you understand the phases of ativan CT.

 

Losing hope that things will get better..yes. That happens frequently. And seems to change just as frequently for me. Yesterday after posting on the withdrawal support section, the desperately uncomfortable w/d I had just left overtime as I continued watching tv. I was pretty sensitive all day though, and only slept for a brief 2-2.5 hours. What is odd, I have found, is that upon waking I felt alright. Yes, still moderate sx like vertigo and tinnitus and far from normal, but I wasn't fatigued to the point of feeling bedridden. My mind felt relatively clear. No heaviness in my chest. I was relatively calm  it shocked me actually. I guess I really don't understand the chemistry of the body or the brain enough..how do we go from sleeping 5-7 hours a day for a few days and wake up with severe fatigue and pain, to suddenly sleeping poorly again and feeling much better ?

 

Anyway, in any case, I feel really relieved that I am getting this window. I needed this break a lot, so I should thank my body    in the very least, this allows me to continue working with sleep time restrictions with less difficulty.

 

Praying for your ongoing healing *hugs*

Have a great day!

Thank you Chantillie!  I'm glad to be at this point.  Glad to have the worst behind me and looking forward to total healing.

 

I was sooooo nervous to go to the rink.  I made myself stay in the moment... get my shower, dry my hair, put on makeup, get dressed (in my skating clothes ), eat, get my skate bag, put it in the car...... the whole way to stepping on the ice and then everything was fine.  It felt so good to be there, so free.    I've lost so much strength and no way will I try a spin for a while.  But was able to do a few rotation jumps without getting dizzy, so it was great. and I'm very proud of myself (even though I had to have my husband there).  Last evening though sx came back.  I don't know if it was because I pushed myself or if they would have come anyway.... but let me tell you it was worth it!!!  I'm planning to go again on Friday

 

I am very happy to support you.  It is weird to say, but others have said it to me.... I am you.  I was right where you are.  My hope for you is that you do not have my month 3 set back.  But if you do I'll be here for you and you will get through.  I now know that I can get through anything with that this wd/recovery throws at me.  I know that you can too.  You have a great attitude.  Sometimes trying to be positive did kick me in the a** when all my positive thinking was laughed at by the beast   Oh well, so we suffer a bit, stay in the moment and get through it. 

 

Yes, how strange is it to be able to function on so little sleep. And to feel well!  it is counter intuitive but it also happened to me.  and surprised me as it has you.  Just take it as it comes. 

I also had the vision thing -  I couldn't watch tv for a very long time.  It is gone now and I really enjoy the tv again!

 

Get a bunch of coping mechanisms to use when sx hit and remember to use them!

 

I listen to bliss johns and self hypnosis several times a day; I do that EFT every time even a little sx flares; 4/7/8 breathing (4 in, 7 hold, 8 out),  walk either outside or on the treadmill in the basement several times a day.  I like to have a little to do list of mindless things -- there are times I just don't know what to do with myself. 

 

You are going to get through this.  You are strong and your body will not fail you.

 

XOX  (((HUGS)))

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Hope, I'm really happy that you had such a great time on the rink. It must feel so invigorating to go back to familiar places, doing what you love. I would have been overjoyed! I am incredibly proud that you took that step, and that you're going to go back again on Friday.

 

Yes, I also found that my sx came back with a bit of a rage shortly after I started pushing myself to go outside more and exercise (started to walk 4-5 km 5 times a week..perhaps a tad too much at the moment!)--but I suspect also had to do with increased exhaustion.

 

I am very happy to support you.  It is weird to say, but others have said it to me.... I am you.  I was right where you are.

*Hugs!* Thank you so much Hope. It's so touching to read that, and I know you are sincere in what you say  . It is incredibly comforting to know that there is someone to look at ahead in the same road and see them doing well, seeing them healing. It is incredibly inspiring.

 

And absolutely! Sometimes even whilst being positive, we may find ourselves in tears later because of one circumstance or another, but the most important thing is to never give up, and to always "hold onto the light" As long as we stay on the path,  then that's all that matters.

 

My update:

I woke up feeling alright again! More sleepy than yesterday, but not debilitation-sleepy. Sx did not bother me. Boyfriend asked me how I slept and I told him that I wasn't too sure..didn't recall any dreams, thought I could have been in light sleep all night. But he told me that I was grinding my teeth overnight (not good! but! its something I used to do when I was a very pro sleeper, and it makes me incredibly happy when I start reverting back to old behaviours like that now  ) and I of course had no recollection whatsoever of that..meaning deep sleep achieved  rare for me these days, and I was ecstatic about it!

 

The rest of my day went very well too, was even able to go out to do a little shopping (though not alone). Feeling very good

 

I downloaded some sleeping music (Delta Sleep System by Dr. Jeffrey Thompson) and hypnosis (Deep Sleep with Medical Hypnosis by Steven Gurgevich) and they have both been very helpful to me so far in prepping me for bedtime. Will definitely follow your advice and start making a list for coping and ideas for what to do with myself during the day..

 

Hoping all went well for you today, and hope it goes well for you tomorrow 

 

Chantillie

 

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Chantillie --- you have such a wonderful, positive attitude.  I 'm glad we've met -- even under these miserable circumstances.

 

It's great that you slept so well that you were grinding away! 

 

I had a wave hit Tuesday evening and it has been a rough couple of days.  But this afternoon I'm feeling better.  To use the lingo here - back to my new baseline which I can live with.

 

I have a dear friend who came to stay with me most of the day while my hubby had to go to his home office (45 min drive away).  I am so blessed to have friends who can support me during this.  And they haven't given up on me.  And that makes me want to get through this for them! 

 

XOX  (((HUGS)))

[[An...]]

Just checking you are okay!  You are both doing so well!

 

I needed to regenerate my positivity myself today.  I keep waking up expecting these morning symptoms (anxiety) to have gone by now and they haven't!

 

Oh well  am not going to let it get me down.

 

 

 

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Just checking you are okay!  You are both doing so well!

 

I needed to regenerate my positivity myself today.  I keep waking up expecting these morning symptoms (anxiety) to have gone by now and they haven't!

 

Oh well  am not going to let it get me down.

 

 

 

 

Good Morning Angel --- so nice to have you stop by!  Sorry to hear that the morning anxiety is still a problem.

I've been in a bit of a wave the past several and was looking on the anxiety board for some good tips and found this from Pamster that might be useful:

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=33198.0

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Thanks for that Hope. You are a sweetie.  I got bitten by my friend's dog on Tuesday trying to prevent a scrap with my dog.  I had to have tetanus and antibiotics - I can't take pencillin so he gave me erythromycin. Since taking them I have been hyped up, had insomnia, GI problems, today two bouts of di****ea, cystitis and am nauseous.  I thought I was entering another wave but just read up on them and they could be the sxs of the antibiotics.  I hope so.  I finish them tomorrow night so should feel better after the weekend.

 

I can usually handle the morning anxiety but this has all pulled me down a bit today.

 

I will be fine, just a blip!

 

Hope you are doing well.

 

Angel

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Thanks for that Hope. You are a sweetie.  I got bitten by my friend's dog on Tuesday trying to prevent a scrap with my dog.  I had to have tetanus and antibiotics - I can't take pencillin so he gave me erythromycin. Since taking them I have been hyped up, had insomnia, GI problems, today two bouts of di****ea, cystitis and am nauseous.  I thought I was entering another wave but just read up on them and they could be the sxs of the antibiotics.  I hope so.  I finish them tomorrow night so should feel better after the weekend.

 

I can usually handle the morning anxiety but this has all pulled me down a bit today.

 

I will be fine, just a blip!

 

Hope you are doing well.

 

Angel

 

Heavens!!!  Always something. 

I'm in a wave.  Not at all happy.  I need to pull myself out of this mini depression.  Need to get outside.  It is a beautiful, sunny day here.

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Angel  - Hi! It's nice to see you stopping by. I'm sorry that the anxiety is still flaring up.. I really hope that it eases up soon. Hope it is the sx of the antibiotics and nothing else.

 

Hope - So happy to have met you too *hug*. I'm sorry to hear that you're having a rough time right now. Healing is really never linear, and I guess this much is evident to all of us. But just like how you pulled out of this before, you will again. And every time you do, it will get better. You have been improving so much recently and you have learned so much in this entire process..I can't imagine that sx can rear its ugly head at you and still have the same effects with so many coping tools at your disposal. You can do this, you've been teaching me personally how. 

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Thanks Chantillie - you are so sweet.

 

As you write to Hope it's a matter of picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and getting on with it again until eventually the windows outweigh the waves.

 

It is possible I am either in a mini-wave or a reaction to the antibiotics or a combination of both right now but for a few weeks now the days have been fairly static with a few minor wobbles as opposed to sharp ups and downs in the way I was feeling.  This is obviously a sign of improvement.

 

I don't know if you've visited Vertigo's thread Benzo Post Withdrawal Support Group.  They are really wonderful over there and always pick you up when you are feeling down.

 

God bless

 

Angel xx

 

 

[[Fl...]]

Thought I'd stop by and say I love the positivity idea.  I am trying to listen to positive thinking audio books and hoping it will help.  I will have to come up with a pledge to post on here hopefully.  Great idea.  Hope you are all doing well, Flutterbye

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Hi Flutterbye, come join us anytime! It's great that you've been listening it positive thinking audio books.. I should really give that a go too. I started reading something that I thought might be good for me a couple weeks back (but am taking it really slowly as concentration levels are low at the moment xD) called Everyday Grace. It touches on the idea that in order for healing to begin in ourselves, forgiveness is required. They say that there is nothing linear or logical about healing because it requires forgiveness, something that is our conscious decision against what our instincts might consider as "safe" - the ability to let go, to go with the flow of things, to surrender our "control" or "power" in order to stop holding in pain, which affects us both mentally and physically. I found that this touched base with me a lot

 

Anyway, my day is going well so far and my weekend went very well! My sleeping is improving and I don't wake up feeling like I can't function. Perhaps my full recovery is near..crossing my fingers. I am still having some mild sx that I can very much tolerate, and tinnitus is still not letting up! BUT I was proud that I was able to go out for two full days and handle a stressful situation yesterday without losing my head and falling into a panic attack.

 

I am praying for all of your recoveries and hoping that you will all have a great day today.

*hugs*

 

Chantillie

 

 

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Thanks Chantillie, the book sounds good.  I will have to put it on my book list which is very long.  I can't seem to read like I used to hence the audio books.  I am glad you are doing well and pray your full recovery is very near.  I had a bad night last night with no sleep.  I caught about 3 hours from 9 to 12 am.  The whole forgiveness idea and letting go is very interesting and seems to ring a bell also with me. Anyway good talking to you...........

 

FB

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Hi FB,

 

sorry to hear about your bout of sleeplessness last night. It seems like insomnia is extremely common amongst us. I was doing better with sleep until last night where I basically kept tossing and turning, getting up from 12am until 8am where I also got a couple hours of broken sleep. I'm thinking it could have been from my diet yesterday..so I'm going to try and avoid caffeine completely today, and eat a little clearer.

 

Crossing my fingers for better sleep for both of us tonight

 

Chantillie

[[Fl...]]

Sorry you didn't get good sleep Chantillie.  I slept better last night but I did take Tylenol and approx. 1mg of melatonin.  I don't want tot take either every night.  I will build a tolerance to the melatonin as I have in the past.  Hope you sleep well tonight friend,

FB

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Thankyou FB! Yes, my sleep last night did improve again. I suspect that the caffeine I had was interrupting my fragile sleep pattern.. going to lay off of that for awhile longer. I feel a little sleepy but overall doing very well

 

Hoping all of the positive buddies here have a great day today.

 

All the best,

Chantillie

 

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Good Morning Peeps!

Just got back from my trip to Vegas --- I "had" to go as hubby had a convention to attend and I still cannot be alone - especially at night.  The trip was rough but I'm really glad I went.  Did have some especially good times.  I was particularly proud of myself for pulling together enough to go by myself to sit by the pool AND walk to the Flamingo hotel to see the live Flamingos and other birds in the habitat there!

Glad to be home.

 

Chantillie -- congratulations on being one month+ free!! 

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Hope56, Glad you got to go on the trip!  I know exactly how you feel.  I had some trips last year as my hubby had made plans way in advance and I didn't know how I was going to survive.  It is stressfull but as you say now you have beautiful memories in your mind to look at like the Flamingos.  I love Flamingos!  Did you see any young white ones?  Isn't that amazing how they are born white?  Wishing you a wonderful day.

FB

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Hope56, Glad you got to go on the trip!  I know exactly how you feel.  I had some trips last year as my hubby had made plans way in advance and I didn't know how I was going to survive.  It is stressfull but as you say now you have beautiful memories in your mind to look at like the Flamingos.  I love Flamingos!  Did you see any young white ones?  Isn't that amazing how they are born white?  Wishing you a wonderful day.

FB

 

You are so right... stressful but wonderful....  Weird!!

No baby flamingos -- that would have been nice.  Did see black swans though that were remarkable.

 

XOX

 

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It has been awhile, I just wanted to say hi to all of you, and was wondering how everyone was doing here 

 

My days have been fairly good, despite ongoing sleep issues (up and down still, but it's alright  ). I've been trying to eat better and put back some of the weight I lost last month, and it seems to be working. I'm starting to find myself interested in things that I was scared I wouldn't have the energy for anymore..healing is underway. Really can't believe that it's been a bit over one month from Ativan.

 

Wishing you all well,

 

Chantillie

[[ho...]]

Hi Chantillie,

Nice to hear from you!  And to hear that you are fairly good...  You've got a positive attitude. I wish that would heal us! 

 

Your sleep will continue to improve.  Mine has. You know by now that it is possible to get through the day on very little sleep -- so try to not worry too much if you have a sleepless night.  You'll get another try

 

The weight thing has been weird for me.  I lost 12ish pounds the first 6 weeks; then was able to slowly gain back 4 only to lose 2ish again in January and I've stabilized there.  I can't seem to gain the wt back.  I'm still having a lot of GI problems; an IBS-type of thing which I expect to fully recover from when all of these fun and games are over.  I was really, really worried about my weight as I watched that scale drop and drop down and down - below my "safe" weight; but now even though I'm still under that safe weight I'm not as worried; I know now that I'm OK --- I'm just very careful to stay indoors when it's too windy outside

 

It's nice that your interest is coming back.  I hope all of these improvements continue for you.

 

February has been much better for me than January was.  I've had more good days than bad.  I have one more week until I'm through month 4 and into 5 -- hoping that will bring some real improvement.  I am so ready to get my life back!! 

 

Patience and acceptance!!!

 

XOX  Take good care of you.

[[An...]]

Hiyas

 

Chantillie, something tells me you may have had a lucky escape from a longer ride from these awful drugs.  You were not on a massive dose overall and you are doing incredibly well for 6 weeks off if insomnia is your biggest problem.  I found that melatonin helped me a lot - my tablets are 5mg and they took about 3 weeks of regular use to kick in.  Now I sleep naturally and without anything. 

 

Hope, you are also something of a short-term user compared to some so though you may have ups and downs, I am hopeful you will heal well within Prof. Ashton's quoted time-frame of 6 to 18 months.  In any case, though they say 6 to 18 months, a lot of symptoms tend to drop off during the  journey and you can live a normal life with a few annoying symptoms till everything goes.

 

I know it sounds an odd thing to do but what I found helped me a lot was to write a daily log and grade myself out of 10 on a daily basis (10 being the worst)  At the end of the week I would add up the grades and work out an average.  I could truly see progress which is really encouraging.

 

Looking at my chart right now I can see my windows and waves at a glance.

 

Month 1:  Wave peaked at 9.5 average (ghastly time)

Month 2:  Wave peaked at 7 (so it had dropped) then pretty stable till month 4

Month 3:  Fairly stable month, no massive wave

Month 4:  Wave peaked at 6.5,then stable till middle of month 5

Month 5:  Middle month 5 to month 6 wasn't so good - a 2 week wave peaking at 6

Month 6 - 7: Really good, dropped down to 2 for most of the time

Month 7: Nasty wave for about 3 weeks peaking at 7 - that was discouraging

Month 8:  Stable till 8 1/2 months then a wave peaking at 7

Month 9:  and lasting till  7 middle of month 9

From then on, just left with morning cortisol rushes and occasional nerviness

 

but ........ feeling great otherwise 

 

Even through the waves I have tried to remain positive because I found that after I wave I generally improved.

 

Hope that hasn't confused - our healing is all different - but windows and waves do tend to be the trend.

 

So hold on and let time do its job.

 

Luv

Angel xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hi Hope! I'm glad February has been looking good for you thus far. I know the end of January was harsh on you and I'm glad that phase has past. Thank you for your ongoing encouragement for my sleeping..my rollercoaster of "3 days with moderate-good sleep and then 3 following days of poor-non-existent sleep" still hits me but I won't give up on having faith it will stop being that way.

 

The weight thing is similar for me. I lost around 12lbs and have been able to gain back 5lbs since. I too was very worried about the initial weight loss...not that I wasn't pleased to be lighter! Hah, but at the rate I was losing it all, I was very afraid. It just wasn't healthy at all. Luckily I've somehow been able to maintain it better as the weeks go by, though. I try to think about the nutrients I put into myself instead of worrying if I'm getting enough calories, and it's put my mind at more ease since.

 

 

Hey Angel - I am praying you are right! I really think that at this point I am past the possibility of taking another benzo (with consideration of all the temptations one can have during the more difficult days!) It is true that insomnia is the biggest issue of all..I have a variety of other discomforts but I feel that if I were able to sleep well, then most of my other sensations would quickly disperse. I may consider the use of melatonin, as it once had a noticable effect on me. I've just been hesitant to take anything ever since ativan..I guess I can safely say that the experience has scared me off of any pharmaceuticals for the moment. Very very happy for you that your sleep is well, and without any assistance is truly wonderful.

 

I also had a question regarding your log..it seems that your sx gradually lessened, with a couple of waves, but at month 9 you were at a 7 correct? And then from then it just simply stopped..where would you say you're sitting at now?

 

Hearing you mention that after waves you generally improve, it reminds me to look back at my short 6 weeks. I have had what I would consider "mini waves" -- each week something is significantly different so far, and I also recognize that my windows are beginning to lengthen and my condition is better. Still some ways to go, but I'll get there.

 

Hope you both continue to do well, and thank you for all your kind and uplifting words 

 

Chantillie