Hope for those still fighting

[[sk...]]

Leslie,

  I am new here and did not get the pleasure of supporting you. Reading your story has already helped me tremendously! The s/x you had those were mine to the tee with more as you said. I thought I was dieing.

This gives me so much hope. I am tapering valium, I have about 7 months of slow tapering to do.

I am also eating very healthy and not yet able to exercise but hope that will be in the near future.

 

I was happy to hear your story, such encouragement for all of us.

Love,

S

[[pi...]]

Dear Leslie,

 

I just joined BB in June to receive help dealing with the withdrawal symptoms from benzos.  I had already finished my taper before I joined but was hammered with sxs so bad I really needed validation that they were in fact from benzo withdrawal.  You know, the old benzo fear rises its ugly head and one imagines all kinds of other illneses.  I had already been through a miriad of medical tests when no one could diagnose I was in first , withdrawal from ativan and second, tolerance withdrawal.  I have found that and more here at BB. 

 

It is also a GREAT sense of relief to hear your story of healing.  I do need to hear that it will happen.  Thank you so much for the words of encouragement and bravo to you for wanting to help others with this.  I hear that from a lot of BB's.  Although I have a lot of education, it is mostly in fine arts and math.  I feel my place in the future will be to try to get word out to as many people as I can reach about the dangers of these medications and the long terms effects they produce.  In a small way perhaps I can impact someones life so they don't have to endure this nightmare.

 

pianogirl

 

[[Li...]]

Whoopsie and Leslie-

 

Several years ago I got together with a few friends to work on a project much like you're envisioning. We wanted to create a place called the Hope House for people struggling in life. We wanted to have a garden, so they could spend time outside with their hands in the soil (and also eat wholesome, fresh food from the garden). We wanted to have a residential yoga therapist to work with them, and someone to watch their children for part of the day. We wanted to have a talk therapist on the grounds a few days a week they could talk to. We wanted to have connections with the local employment services to help those looking for a job. We pictured it as a co-op, where people who were struggling too much could just come and stay with no expectations, but those who were further along in their particular recovery could help cook, take care of children, clean, arrange classes, etc. It never came to fruition, but I believe someday it will. Just wanted to share my ideas and thoughts with both of you!

 

Libby

[[Wh...]]

Thanks so much for sharing your idea's Libby.  That's great that you reminded me about the garden as they had one which I helped put in while I was at the detox I went to.  They also had a labyrinth on the grounds that I walked many times a day.  I also like the idea of yoga instruction and to have a very knowledgeable and trustworthy therapist come in.  Sorry Leslie for the intrusion on your success story. 

[[...]]

Rebecca:  Thanks.  Congratulation on being benzo free.

 

Sir William:  Sounds like our paths to healing took roughly the same course.  Glad you've started to have some good days.  That's great that you're getting your masters degree in counseling.  I went to seminary and got my masters in counseling/theology.  God will use our experiences for good. 

 

Vertigo:  Thanks for the subtlety.  LOL.  I figured as much.  All my pride went out the window with benzo withdrawal so it wouldn't have mattered anyway if you had mentioned it.  You're sweet.  I saw your post on Leena's blog about the restaurants.  Good info. I will have to write it all down.  Now if I can ever get this condo. sold....

 

Whoopsie:  You don't have to have a "professional" label to make a difference.  It sounds like you feel that tugging at your heart to help others who have experienced withdrawal...isn't personal experience with this enough?  No one else is going to believe them!  Someone who has been there, too, just to reassure and validate their experience is priceless! 

 

Optimist:  I enjoyed reading your success story.  I remember so many of your posts in the prayer threads that helped me.  You suffered through with such grace and you were an inspiration to me.

 

Kian: As long as you are breathing, there is always hope.  There are several people here that have been on benzos 20+ years, and many who have totally recovered.  It looks like you are doing a slow taper so it should hopefully be very manageable for you.  As long as you continue to taper and stay off the benzos, you will ultimately recover.

 

Skittles: I'm sorry you had all those symptoms, too.  Ativan has such a short-half life.  I think you're smart for doing a Valium taper.  I, too, thought I was going to die.  I had really bad intrusive/obsessive thoughts that I forgot to add to the list.  No fun. 

 

Pianogirl: Congratulations on being benzo free.  I'm sure you will go on to spread the word of the dangers of benzos.  It doesn't take a special degree to do that and if you can help even one person avoid withdrawal, it will be well worth it.  I only wish someone had told me the truth before I ever took that first pill. 

 

Libby and Whoopsie:  The Hope house.  I like the sound of that.  Is it a RT, yet?  Just kidding.  Actually, I would love for as many people as are interested to come together for a common goal of  informing and helping others.  The more the merrier. 

 

 

[[...]]

Kian: As long as you are breathing, there is always hope.  There are several people here that have been on benzos 20+ years, and many who have totally recovered.  It looks like you are doing a slow taper so it should hopefully be very manageable for you.  As long as you continue to taper and stay off the benzos, you will ultimately recover.

 

Thanks, I hope this is true.  This is my second time around with tapering.  My first taper was 32 weeks long and stayed off for 28 weeks.  Reinstated because I went 8 weeks with only two nights of sleep.  I was on the floor in the worst fear and torment for 18 hours at a time for months.  I was vomiting almost every day for over a month.  I could go on and on, but there are reasons why I still have little hope.  I'm hoping that others are right in saying that I tapered too fast for such a long term user.  I just read a post by Sophia that greatly encouraged me because she is benzo free and did a 2 1/2 year taper.  Your story is an inspiration and thanks for sharing it with us.  Take care.

 

Kian

[[Wh...]]

 

Whoopsie:  You don't have to have a "professional" label to make a difference.  It sounds like you feel that tugging at your heart to help others who have experienced withdrawal...isn't personal experience with this enough?  No one else is going to believe them!  Someone who has been there, too, just to reassure and validate their experience is priceless! 

 

 

Libby and Whoopsie:  The Hope house.  I like the sound of that.  Is it a RT, yet?  Just kidding.  Actually, I would love for as many people as are interested to come together for a common goal of  informing and helping others.  The more the merrier.   

 

 

 

Thank you again Leslie, I'm glad that you feel that way that it doesn't take a "professional" to make a difference.  Especially that you too would love for people to come together to share ideas and inspiration to make that difference in helping others.  I just feel that as a group we could do alot of good with what has befallen us.  I love that attitude. 

[[he...]]

Congrads sweetie , I am so happy for you , cant remember if I congradulated you , prob did , but just incase .

 

Congrdas

Love Laura :smitten:

[[...]]

Hi Leslie - i am still having a tough time so your story helped me believe in life again.  i know that it is too late to change the way i tapered because i have been off over 2 months now, but do you think that your recoverty took a long time because your taper was fast?  i guess i worry about that so much; all these folks with slow tapers and i was like bam.  here it is two months and i can barely move or talk right now.  i made it back to the classroom but the days are so tough.

thank you for writing to us.  xoxo

[[va...]]

I am so glad you are healed. That is just amazing. You went through the mill and you made it!!! I really wish you all the best in your life and thanks so much for sharing your story, it gives much hope......

 

 xoxo

[[pa...]]

Hi Leslie!! Congradulations on your success!!

I am so happy for you! I read your intro to this post and I saw all the things you've conquered. Whew!! You are truly a survivor and it is so great to see how far you've come and how positive you are!

I also think it's wonderful that you some day plan to open a private practise with a slow taper program for those who need help getting off benzos. What a great way to give back to others! I remember how much suffering I went through when I developed inter-dose w/d (some of which came from the medical community I had throwing up their hands). If only they could have given me the guidance like we recieve here (and from Ashton's literature), I believe the suffering would be greatly reduced. I only wish I had as much influence on the medical community where I live.

Keep up the good fight Leslie!! I see wonderful things comming your way!

Blessings to you always!

pangelingua gloriosi (sing my tongue the savior's glory)

[[An...]]

Hello Leslie

 

I was optimistically secretly thinking I was almost healed but have had rather a bad wave over the past few days so I needed support and was so glad I came across your success story.  You have been very kind to me and encouraging to me in the past for which I thank you.

 

Your intention to become a psychotropic drug withdrawal therapist is awesome.  Mitch Winehouse (Amy´s Dad) is going to use her home in Camden, London to open up an addictions centre and no doubt will be looking for exactly this kind of therapist - he was speaking out about benzos in yesterday´s newspapers (see Benzos in the News) and the need for better education about them.  It is sad that some people have to suffer and some people have to die to make the world see sense but it is a positive out of a negative in my opinion.

 

Good luck with your life.

 

Angel

[[km...]]

I have saved your success story to my computer it gives me hope that I will be ok someday.  Things are so hard mentally right now and these stories are the only thing getting me thru each day. These days I feel even God has left my side. 

[[jj...]]

Leslie,

 

Yours is my favorite success story.  I read your blog for October and there was a moment where you truly lost all hope...it was so sad to read and then you snapped out of it!  In reading it, I just was so sad for you and I am so happy you are better now!

[[Ka...]]

It has been 17 months since my last benzo and I am totally healed.  Here is my story:

 

I went to detox because I did not know how to get off the pills. (They were initially prescribed for insomnia but I've never had trouble sleeping, I was just a night owl.)  When I asked my doctor for help, he advised me to just quit c/t which landed me in the ER three days later.    

So I sought the help of a team of "benzo experts" at a detox in Malibu, CA.  Their idea of a "taper" lasted less than two weeks. They sent me home in worse shape with a lot of money down the drain.

 

(If I had to do it over again, knowing what I know now, I would have done a slow taper from home.  But I am here to tell even those of you that c/t or went to detox that complete healing still happens for us, too!)  

 

Without going into all the details, here are just some of the symptoms I had: severe insomnia, hallucinations (due to inability to fall asleep for 5 days straight), high BP, panic/anxiety, heart palpitations, constant fear/terror (for the first 6 weeks), restlessness and the need to constantly be moving my body, RLS at night, severe depression/apathy, loss of appetite resulting in weight loss causing me to be very skinny and frail, episodes of rage, moodiness, crying spells, sensitivity to light/sound/movement/smell, agoraphobia, hormonal changes, loss of balance, clumsiness, cog fog, fuzzy head feeling, muscle spasms, ice cold feet, burning torso/legs/face, temperature fluctuations, frequent urination, morning anxiety/stomach cramping/diarrhea, dp (I guess that's what it was, I would look in the mirror and not recognize my face), intolerance to being with or without people at the same time, paranoia...the list goes on.

 

There were three phases in my recovery: the first two months after rapid detox was insufferable with mostly the insomnia and extreme anxiety.  Month 3-9 were less intense physically but the mental symptoms are just indescribable.  For those of you with the mental stuff, you know what I'm talking about.  I was suicidal during that time and by the grace of God and this forum, I was able to just put one foot in front of the other and survive each day.  I had very little hope that I would ever be a normal person again.  I clung to the success stories and God.  I lived alone so BB and God were really my only support.  

 

I had to go back to work full time (at 5 months off) even though I was very sick.  I was to the point of losing my home.  Looking back the only way I could have made it through work each day was by God's strength.  I had to leave work several times a day and go to my car and cry.  I spent the rest of my free time in bed up until month 10.

 

The third phase was month 10-16.  I started having good and bad days.  By this point, though, I was so worn out from the battle that it was still rough going due to fatigue even though I was healing.

 

For those of you still recovering, we do heal.  I have no idea how it happened...it just does over time.  I have been completely med free for 17 months now.  I ate healthy and exercised, didn't smoke or drink or anything like that...but really, the only thing that is going to help is time.  

 

I plan to go back to private practice soon now that I am healthy.  I will specialize in psychotropic medication withdrawal syndrome.  My goal is to eventually open a clinic to help people with a slow taper, individual, family and group therapy.  It's unfortunate that there are no organizations like this already.

 

Thank you to Colin and Pam who were supportive of me throughout my entire recovery, the moderators here and other benzobuddies (many of whom have already healed and are no longer around this site) Leena, uwdawg, starbird, mbr, sigma, vertigo, saraann, helpme123, kmarie, kc lee, pangelingua, cupcake, dpete, and stoneyco are just a few of the old timers still around but truly the list goes on.  I am certain I missed many others.

 

Without a doubt, I am a better person for having endured this.  As long as you continue your taper, get off the benzos, and continue to put time in away from the drug, you WILL get better and eventually TOTALLY recover from this.  I know it doesn't feel like it in the midst of it, but it is true.

 

Hold on to that glimmer of hope and don't let go of it.  Life is golden on the other side.  

 

Leslie

 

RIP Darrin "stepbystep"

 

 

 

 

Leslie, you are truly inspiring.  At almost 2 months off, my physical symptoms are relatively easy to deal with, but am hit hard with trying to deal with decades of denial.  It is very difficult, but I know, like you, that God is guiding me.

 

I copied the following part of an answer  that I posted to you recently when you replied to one of my posts;

 

You are truly gifted and caring, a wonderful example of what a human being should be...having love and respect and the will to help others.

 

You  are in my prayers, that God will continue to give you wisdom and strength.

Kat

 

[[...]]

Helpme (Laura):  Thanks.  I  know you are having a tough time right now.  We've been through a lot together.  It seems as if those who took Klonopin often have lingering physical symptoms that just take longer to dissipate.  You're doing great in working through this.  I hope to see your success story soon. 

 

Pan:  You're amazing!  I used to teach elementary school, as well...it is a tough job...I can't imagine doing it in wd.  You must be stronger than you realize!  To answer your question, I do not think the overly rapid taper caused a longer recovery period.  I have heard that c/t or detox can cause protracted wd but I don't buy it.  Slow tapers allow the brain to adjust on the way down so when people finally jump, the CNS isn't jolted abruptly.  All in all, I feel the recovery time is roughly the same (including taper time).  It's my firm belief that almost all will make a full recovery within 2 years.

 

Vancouvergirl:  Thank you.  I was so happy to see the recent post regarding your vision.  This is wonderful news.  I'm looking forward to reading your success story soon. 

 

Pangelingua:  Thanks!  It's exciting to see you post your success story just days after I did.  It's nice to see people I met here early in wd healing from all this, too.  You've made a remarkable recovery, as well.  Looks like we've all learned quite a bit about life throughout this process.

 

Angel:  Thank you.  I did follow up on Amy Winehouse's story.  So sad.  Her heart was in the right place.  It appears she c/t benzos and alcohol.  What a travesty it is that people do not have the knowledge so badly needed to taper from these drugs.  Congratulations on being benzo free!

 

kmarie:  ((((KRISTIN))))  Your post about broke my heart.  While I'm glad my success story encourages you enough to save it to your computer, I'm so sorry to see you still in the midst of this.  You are one strong and brave lady.  I've seen you struggle through the c/t, the slow taper and now your post benzo recovery.  You have had to take care of a young daughter as a single mother, find full time work and offer your family support.  In all honesty, my faith was greatly shaken throughout withdrawal.  I have no doubt you will walk out of this fire tested and true.  There will be nothing you cannot conquer, Kristin.  Often in my darkest days, I would not FEEL God by my side.  I posted about that on my blog once.  You replied to it.  Do you remember?  If not, maybe go back and read it.  A friend came up to me at church and said he felt as if God wanted me to know that He has heard all my cries and prayers and that He has been right there with me.  I know this is true for you, too, because God is faithful.  The Bible promises we are more than conquerors and that God has a hope and future for us.  You are in my prayers. 

 

jj nerd:  Well, I'm so glad my story is a favorite of yours.  While it may look like I just "snapped out of it" on my blog, it was more like a continual back and forth for a long time.    I'm glad to see you using this forum and chat for support.  BB was my lifeline throughout this process.  I hope your current window stays open for good. 

 

Kat: What a lovely sentiment.  I will have to hold onto that one for continued inspiration.  Thank you.  Congratulations on being benzo free after so many years...that is quite the victory and I hope you are proud of this accomplishment.  Denial can be quite powerful, indeed, but awareness  even more so!  Congratulations.

 

 

 

 

[[Ho...]]

L123 - thanks for stopping by my blog - it is much appreciated.  I have been meaning to write to you via e-mail, but it seems my past mail has been deleted (my husband was cleaning up the computer yesterday)....and I no longer have your e-mail.  If you still have mine, could you please just drop me an e-mail and I will write back....hope you are still doing well....

Love Hoping

[[Ro...]]

Congratulations Leslie! Now that you are healed and have a new lease on life you continue to hang around and help us in need. A couple days ago you showed me the chat room. I am fairly new here and you showed me the way. Though our talk was a rather incoherent one on my end. I sure do appreciate the sentiment and the care you showed me. I barely remember the conversation we had but I just want to thank you for showing you care. I think you will make an excellent therapist and a pioneer in a new field. I thank you soo much for your efforts with me and the time donated. I am in a rough spot like you were. Your story is an inspiration to us all.

 

The first time (and only time) we chatted you were just a letter and 3 numbers to me (L123) but a BB nonetheless. I thank you for sticking around and showing me the ropes. Your story is one I hope to duplicate soon.

 

So glad you are healed and have become not only an inspiration, but an active helpful member to boot. It takes a special person to stay and help. Thank you Leslie:)

 

Robb AKA "Robbedbybenzos"

 

XOXOXO

 

PS - I know what you mean about the cognitive issues!! Your story gives me hope.

[[he...]]

Thank you for posting your sucess story, congrads hun.

 

 

Love Laura

God Bless :smitten:

[[km...]]

Leslie,

Your reply brought tears to my eyes as thru this journey the only support I have gotten is thru BB and you are one of the most supportive.  Thank you so much for the kind words they really mean alot.  I'm glad you are enjoying life again it was a long journey and I'm glad your faith survived.

Hugs

Kristin

[[mi...]]

Helpme (Laura):  Thanks.  I  know you are having a tough time right now.  We've been through a lot together.  It seems as if those who took Klonopin often have lingering physical symptoms that just take longer to dissipate.  You're doing great in working through this.  I hope to see your success story soon.   

 

Pan:  You're amazing!  I used to teach elementary school, as well...it is a tough job...I can't imagine doing it in wd.  You must be stronger than you realize!  To answer your question, I do not think the overly rapid taper caused a longer recovery period.  I have heard that c/t or detox can cause protracted wd but I don't buy it.  Slow tapers allow the brain to adjust on the way down so when people finally jump, the CNS isn't jolted abruptly.  All in all, I feel the recovery time is roughly the same (including taper time).  It's my firm belief that almost all will make a full recovery within 2 years.

 

Vancouvergirl:  Thank you.  I was so happy to see the recent post regarding your vision.  This is wonderful news.  I'm looking forward to reading your success story soon.   

 

Pangelingua:  Thanks!  It's exciting to see you post your success story just days after I did.  It's nice to see people I met here early in wd healing from all this, too.  You've made a remarkable recovery, as well.  Looks like we've all learned quite a bit about life throughout this process.

 

Angel:  Thank you.  I did follow up on Amy Winehouse's story.  So sad.  Her heart was in the right place.  It appears she c/t benzos and alcohol.  What a travesty it is that people do not have the knowledge so badly needed to taper from these drugs.  Congratulations on being benzo free!

 

kmarie:  ((((KRISTIN))))  Your post about broke my heart.  While I'm glad my success story encourages you enough to save it to your computer, I'm so sorry to see you still in the midst of this.  You are one strong and brave lady.  I've seen you struggle through the c/t, the slow taper and now your post benzo recovery.  You have had to take care of a young daughter as a single mother, find full time work and offer your family support.  In all honesty, my faith was greatly shaken throughout withdrawal.  I have no doubt you will walk out of this fire tested and true.  There will be nothing you cannot conquer, Kristin.  Often in my darkest days, I would not FEEL God by my side.  I posted about that on my blog once.  You replied to it.  Do you remember?  If not, maybe go back and read it.  A friend came up to me at church and said he felt as if God wanted me to know that He has heard all my cries and prayers and that He has been right there with me.  I know this is true for you, too, because God is faithful.  The Bible promises we are more than conquerors and that God has a hope and future for us.  You are in my prayers. 

 

jj nerd:  Well, I'm so glad my story is a favorite of yours.  While it may look like I just "snapped out of it" on my blog, it was more like a continual back and forth for a long time.     I'm glad to see you using this forum and chat for support.  BB was my lifeline throughout this process.  I hope your current window stays open for good.   

 

Kat: What a lovely sentiment.  I will have to hold onto that one for continued inspiration.  Thank you.  Congratulations on being benzo free after so many years...that is quite the victory and I hope you are proud of this accomplishment.  Denial can be quite powerful, indeed, but awareness  even more so!  Congratulations.

 

 

 

 

 

L123 i spoke to you on chat yesterday.... I felt your tears.... I truly hope in my heart that it is getting better for you... I cried yesterday along side of you..L123 yu gave me some hope yesterday and I want to say thank you so much

Keep getting better everyday    I am lost with words... I wish I could give you a hug ... Sometimes silence and a hug is what a person needs now to feel better... So from from far away I am giving it to  you now

Love

Mishi

[[...]]

Hoping:  Glad we got back in touch. 

 

Robbedbybenzos: Thank you and I'm glad I could help.  I did want to stick around here for a bit after healing to support others.  It's been several months now and I think it's best for me to focus now on my private practice.  So I won't be around here much anymore.  You're in a tough spot at home but stay focused on your taper and recovery.  You'll make it.

 

helpme: 

 

kmarie:  thank you, again.

 

mishi:  aw, thank you so much for your kindness.  i think you have me confused with someone else you spoke with in chat.    i'm recovered and doing well.  but thank you regardless.  you're sweet.

 

[Guest [my...]]

you will be missed.  Good Luck with your practice  you will be the best.  Thanks for sharing. God Bless you.

 

Mamie

[[cu...]]

Hey L123 did you have the intrusive nonstop memory thing?

 

love cupcake

[[re...]]

It was very generous of you to come back to offer hope to people still fighting this benzo battle.  I am incredibly grateful to the "healed ones" who are compassionate enough to do that.

 

I understand that it must be difficult to come back here-  Know that it really did make a difference.

 

 

Deepest thanks

 

B