I miss my mom

[[Kr...]]

I’m very depressed and afraid. 
Tomorrow will be one year since my mom’s passing. Even though she favored my sister I loved her. She was all I had because my father was an alcoholic and addict who left with all our money and to this day I have no idea where he is and if he’s even alive.

I’m so alone right now. I’m sleeping in my car tonight because I drove to the last place I was with my mom before she died. It’s a beautiful spot where her ashes are scattered.

I found 3 Ativan in this tiny compartment on an old keychain I didn’t know I had in my glovebox. I may take one to help me get through tonight.

Anyway thanks for listening. 
 

Goodnight 

[[Bu...]]

Hi @[Kr...],

I am so very, very sorry.  Your post brought me to tears.  Please know that you are not alone; we're here for you.  

Please forgive me if I'm wrong, but I believe you are off the Ativan?  I cannot imagine how hard this night must be for you, but I think that taking those old pills probably won't help, and they could hurt.  Please just hang on tonight, the morning will come.  And we'll all be here.

Hugs and blessings ❤

[[ns...]]

Hi Krissirk888  

I'm so sorry about your mom's passing. I know this too well I can feel your heart! I'm holding back my tears reading your post.

BurnTheShips is right Krissirk888, it's not a good idea to take the Ativan ok, please wait til tomorrow and the light will shine a new day in remembrance for your mom. 

Ativan is not the answer and you've come so far!

We'll be here tomorrow and the next. We're here for you sweetheart 💕 

Be safe 

Ns

 

 

[[Kr...]]

Thanks so much. 
 

Yes, off benzos for a few months. Have not taken the Ativan. 

[[Bu...]]

Hey @[Kr...],

How are you doing today?

[[Kr...]]

Still sad, but about to drive westbound. Have no idea where I’m headed.

my chest actually aches with emotions.

Love you and thanks for your concern ❤️‍🩹

[[Re...]]

@[Kr...] I just wanted to let you know I read your messages and I will continue to do so.🫂

Take care man. 

[[Bu...]]

@[Kr...].

Sometimes you just gotta get out out of town.  Please let us know when you get to wherever it is you get to.  Be careful and take care today, my friend. ❤

[[Ru...]]

@[Kr...] I am so sorry! 

It will be a year next month that my mother passed and it's one of the hardest things that has ever happened to me.

One day at a time is all you can do.

Honor her memory by taking care of yourself! It's what she would want.

You have many here rooting for you!!

 

 

 

 

[[Kr...]]

Just crossed into Missouri. Have to find a planet fitness so I can get showered. Maybe I will meet some nice people on my road trip.

so far I have eaten fast food and it hasn’t bothered me, but tonight I am going to Cracker Barrel and having eggs and bacon with a salad

[[Bu...]]

@[Kr...],

Thanks for letting us know where you are.  How are you doing?  Have you been on the road pretty much this whole time?  Just curious. 

And I love me some Cracker Barrel! ❤

[[Kr...]]

1 hour ago, [[B...] said:

@[Kr...],

Thanks for letting us know where you are.  How are you doing?  Have you been on the road pretty much this whole time?  Just curious. 

And I love me some Cracker Barrel! ❤

Yep. The whole time.

im feeling less sad or I should say it comes in waves. Unable to fully express through tears. It’s wild being depressed but yet feeling dpdr and anhedonia all at once. 

How are you feeling? Do you have normal energy levels? I seem to get so tired at times but haven’t had good sleep between bwd and life situations. 
 

will keep you posted. 😘 

[[Bu...]]

Hey @[Kr...],

17 hours ago, [[K...] said:

Unable to fully express through tears. It’s wild being depressed but yet feeling dpdr and anhedonia all at once

I completely understand this.  There are so many things that I'm sad or upset about and I just wish that I could cry it all out.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.  

And no, my energy levels are definitely not normal.  My sleep is better than a few months ago, but nowhere near normal, so I'm sure that isn't helping.  And this whole process is just sooooo draining. 

Anyway, are you still heading west?  And how was the Cracker Barrel?

[[Kr...]]

@[Bu...]

hi! Cracker Barrel was good and I’ve had it twice since then.

 I’m in Colorado, it’s a beautiful place. My sister lives in AZ so that is where I’ll be heading in a few days. The driving is monotonous but it somehow helps me. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. My car is my home, it’s rough but better than the streets. 


 

 

[[Bu...]]

Hey @[Kr...]!  Good to hear from you!  

I've been to Colorado once, about 20 years ago.  My Aunt and Uncle lived near Colorado Springs.  I did the tourist thing and went to Garden of the Gods and up Pike's Peak and it was amazing.  It was also just really nice to sit on my Aunt and Uncle's deck in the evening and watch the sunlight glint off the Aspen trees.

I've never been to Arizona, but I hear it's lovely.  Does your sister know you're coming or are you going to surprise her? 

I can't imagine being able to just up and go like you have.  Or being able to live out of my car.  I'm a little envious.  It sounds like a great adventure.  Although, I would guess it would be a little rough with the sleeping.

[[Kr...]]

@[Bu...] it’s a very mixed bag. It can feel liberating not being tethered to anything, but it will grow old eventually. It’s out of necessity, I didn’t choose car camping. It is also super dangerous driving on interstates while in benzo wd. I miss exits and have almost wrecked a few times.

as far as my sister she does know I’m coming. Should be there later today.
 

She already told me she does not want to hear one word about benzodiazepines, since she is a very successful drug rep and believes these “medicines” are completely safe. I mean how else can you promotes these drugs without lying to yourself about how dangerous they are.

im really just going there to see my nephew and niece. She works all the time as does her husband.

works out well for me. I’m sure she has lots of psych meds on hand as she exclusively works with psychiatrists and rehabilitation centers .

 

[[Bu...]]

Oh, @[Kr...], I'm sorry about your sister.   

Well, hopefully if she doesn't want to hear about benzos, she won't talk about how great she thinks there are, either.  And she can peddle her wares elsewhere while you're there.  Geez!  

I don't really get along with my brother or sister who have kids either, but I do love to see my nieces and nephews, so, yeah, them being at work sounds ideal.    

And please, please be careful.  Now I'm a little worried about you out on those interstates.  So, if car camping wasn't a choice, can I ask, where you were living before this adventure?  And where you'll go after?  Someplace safe I hope?

Keep me posted.❤

 

[[Kr...]]

Staying with a friend. But it was in a creepy guest room and just temporary.

Ive been without my own place since after my mom died and her husband kicked me out when I was  in acute, so him and his gross new girlfriend could  live alone. Good damn riddance!

[[Bu...]]

Yikes!  That's awful!  So, I guess a day at a time, then?

[[Bu...]]

Hey @[Kr...],

Just wondering how it's going in Arizona.

[[Kr...]]

In California now. Met a wonderful person while at the beach who is putting me up in his guesthouse. It’s perfect because he’s gay and has a wonderful husband so no worries for me being hit on. I’ll be renting it for the month of May. 
They have a private chef and say I can chip in for food costs and eat what is prepared!

One of the guys has been through psych drug withdrawal and is very happy to support me. After Arizona, I said goodbye for good to my toxic family and cried all the way to Santa Monica.

After crying myself to sleep in my car I woke up the next morning to a dog barking. It was quite annoying but it was worth it because it was my new friends dog barking at the seagulls, so we got to talking and I asked them if there was a planet fitness around so I could shower and then look for a breakfast place. They said the gym probably wasn’t open yet and invited me to their place for breakfast and then they showed me this amazing guest house and said I could stay if I wanted. They both had very non threatening friendly energy and I just didn’t want to sleep in my car again. 
They both work in Television. 
Their home and land is just beautiful, how lucky I feel. There’s a pool and movie theater! They said this is a classic LA home built in the 20’s.

lots of stained glass and wood with huge windows and glass doors. 
 

Tomorrow I plan to go vintage thrift shopping for some nice outfits. All I own are sweats and jeans. 
 

I feel super fortunate. Just a few weeks ago I thought it was the end for me.

it will be good to rest up and heal for the next month. 
 

These guys are wonderful and I think they see me as their little sister. 

 

 

Edited April 26 by [Kr...]
Typo

[[Bu...]]

@[Kr...],

I'm glad things are going well, but please, please be careful.  They sound like very nice people but remember that you just met them and you don't know them.  Is there anyone else in your "real" life that knows where you are right now?  To check in with?  

I just worry about you. 

[[Kr...]]

@[Bu...] please don’t worry. I always text my location to my therapist and show her the location in my zoom app. 
Her husband is in law enforcement and can help with background checks and such. 
plus, I know self defense and can put someone down if needed. I carry pepper spray and a knife.  
 

❤️

 

[[no...]]

@[Kr...] been reading your posts this morning & just wanted to wish you well my friend. Im sorry for what you went through & I hope this new journey of yours is happy and healthy! take good care of yourself along the way!

 

[[...]]

@[Kr...], been reading your posts on this thread. So many emotions and memories and long trips! Take care of yourself. Be mindful of your surroundings,  have fun and stay safe!