My Story. Relapse? What do you think what should I expect?

[[th...]]

So I'm here bouncing my 5 month old son on a yoga ball for a nap. My ears are ringing and nerves are tingling and I've got that headache that isn't a headache. I'm 22 days off from a week where I took 7 MG of total benzos and drank about 12 Oz of wine each day for 6 days. It has been 3 full weeks of withdrawals holy hell. The symptoms are certainly improving but feel far from gone. What I'm curious about is if anyone has experienced anything similar to my low lifetime use and my pattern of use and had such hellish withdrawals. Also these sensitivities and setbacks.

So I'm 37 and I have 3 kids. Daughters 14 yo, 9 yo and a 5 month old son. I work in hvac and am a pretty high performing tradesman (up until this past month). My history of use is this: I've always liked partying but ket it contained until age 27. I messed around with various types of pills and used benzos intermittently and modest doses for sleep for about a year after being up with things like Adderall cocaine and psychedelics. I was using Adderall and benzoes in a pattern to work hard then zonk out during a time where I was very stressed having a young family. After this period I got an intervention of sorts and quit everything for a year. At that time I had some withdrawals but I just saw it as a generalized withdrawal from everything and it didn't seem benzo specific. Over the next 8 years I slipped back into drinking more, got divorced and pandemic happened so I started drinking a lot more. Did benzos probably 3 times or less because of how fucked they are.

So at 35 I had a traumatic breakup and came to the point where my drinking had become completely unsustainable and I had to quit. I read that people taper with benzos so I got 10 xanax bars from a dealer and attempted to "self taper alcohol". That went fucking terribly and I ended up having an insane withdrawal experience from alcohol AND xanax after 3 weeks of use. Even so I went back to work and worked through the worst of the withdrawal experience although I wanted to die every second. I was completely sober for 8 months after that and have had maybe an average of 2-3 drinks per month until December of this year. So two years off of any benzos and two years of being a seldom drinker. 

Now the beginning of of December this year I am experiencing extreme stress at work and at home we are having a very difficult time with my baby son. He is a high needs baby with a lot of digestive issues and the built up sleep deprivation along with work stress was driving me nuts.

Any way beginning of December I get this raging terrible flu. I didn't feel like I could sit down so I started taking 24 hour Sudafed and other flu meds. I was so desperate I reached out and got 4 MG of kpin and 2 MG of xanax (In blister packs I think from my friend who had gone to mexico). It was literally 4 pills. So over 6 days on 4 of the days I drank a 12 Oz can of wine and took a part of a benzo to sleep after the cold meds and the torture of wearing a mask in my own house and bouncing baby. On the last day I had an emotional breakdown with a customer and started to feel burning sensations which I came to realize were inter dose withdrawal. So that Friday night I took a crumb of xanax then flushed the last half pill down the toilet cause I was like fuck I'm going through withdrawal. The next week was full withdrawal hell. I immediately got gnarly waves and windows and everything you could think of in terms of acute symptoms. I got gabapentin and that didn't help. I think I incited waves with caffeine multiple times until I cut it out. Finally after not sleeping from Saturday night to Wednesday night I checked my self into the observation unit at the crisis center where they gave me seroquel and trazedone which finally knocked me out for the night.

The symptoms have been lessening over the last two weeks but still insanely bothersome. I have been at the point of breakdown with the insomnia and neuropathy. I also got a fucking fermented boozy spindrift out of the can that had me set back before I even realized it.

Thankfully i am a strong distance runner and that has helped me greatly. I had to take work off 2 of the last 3 weeks cause the recovery has not been linear. I'm so disappointed and horrified to be going through this again and in seemingly a more protracted way than before. It feels weird to be back at square 1 as a recovering addict even though I have not been out using a whole bunch and really barely at all. All I can think is that I polydrug kindled myself with an emphasis on gabaergic drugs. And I guess my body really remembers my 2 alcohol withdrawals and 1 xanax withdrawal. I was drinking a shit ton of caffeine prior to this as well. Thanks for reading if you have. Has anyone ever heard about this pattern of use before? Any idea what to expect? It feels like these symptoms are really lingering. I will never touch a benzo again.

 

[[Pa...]]

Hello @[th...], welcome to BenzoBuddies,

I like your username and hope this is indeed the final straw because I agree with you, its kindling and continued use will not go well for you.

I hope your symptoms will begin to lessen soon but with your erratic use and your alcohol history, it’s tough to know when that’s going to happen.

I believe you can recover but hope you can avoid anymore benzo’s and alcohol, I’d avoid the caffeine too for now, I had to give it up for awhile. 

You’re younger than many of our members so that’s probably in your favor, hopefully you can recover and be the dad you need and want to be. 

Pamster

[[ve...]]

I can relate.  I started using benzos to get off cocaine and then for sleep.  I was an idiot.  Then I picked up alcohol and sometimes I had to take benzos to take the edge off the hangovers.  I also started to drink more at the start of the pandemic.  I too tried to quit alcohol with benzos (though longer acting and not Xanax).  Then in May I checked myself to detox alcohol and the doctor did it properly with Lorazepam. 

Before tapering off a pro-benzo (Victan) I increased my caffeine intake to have some tolerance so I can enjoy 2 cups in the morning.  It looks like I have to drink decaf the same way I drink non-alcoholic beer.

But I can't feel weird more than a hour a day.  It would send me into a vicious circle of anxiety and despair.

Edited January 1 by [ve...]

[[Si...]]

This is so my story.  Unfortunately I did a taper and the taper destroyed me beyond words.  As it was just sporadic abuse before, the taper converted me into a user, and a long term user at that.  Because of the kindling, every dose including the starting dose caused cold turkey like symptoms.  I am destroyed.  

[[PE...]]

On 31/12/2023 at 19:55, [[t...] said:

So I'm here bouncing my 5 month old son on a yoga ball for a nap. My ears are ringing and nerves are tingling and I've got that headache that isn't a headache. I'm 22 days off from a week where I took 7 MG of total benzos and drank about 12 Oz of wine each day for 6 days. It has been 3 full weeks of withdrawals holy hell. The symptoms are certainly improving but feel far from gone. What I'm curious about is if anyone has experienced anything similar to my low lifetime use and my pattern of use and had such hellish withdrawals. Also these sensitivities and setbacks.

So I'm 37 and I have 3 kids. Daughters 14 yo, 9 yo and a 5 month old son. I work in hvac and am a pretty high performing tradesman (up until this past month). My history of use is this: I've always liked partying but ket it contained until age 27. I messed around with various types of pills and used benzos intermittently and modest doses for sleep for about a year after being up with things like Adderall cocaine and psychedelics. I was using Adderall and benzoes in a pattern to work hard then zonk out during a time where I was very stressed having a young family. After this period I got an intervention of sorts and quit everything for a year. At that time I had some withdrawals but I just saw it as a generalized withdrawal from everything and it didn't seem benzo specific. Over the next 8 years I slipped back into drinking more, got divorced and pandemic happened so I started drinking a lot more. Did benzos probably 3 times or less because of how fucked they are.

So at 35 I had a traumatic breakup and came to the point where my drinking had become completely unsustainable and I had to quit. I read that people taper with benzos so I got 10 xanax bars from a dealer and attempted to "self taper alcohol". That went fucking terribly and I ended up having an insane withdrawal experience from alcohol AND xanax after 3 weeks of use. Even so I went back to work and worked through the worst of the withdrawal experience although I wanted to die every second. I was completely sober for 8 months after that and have had maybe an average of 2-3 drinks per month until December of this year. So two years off of any benzos and two years of being a seldom drinker. 

Now the beginning of of December this year I am experiencing extreme stress at work and at home we are having a very difficult time with my baby son. He is a high needs baby with a lot of digestive issues and the built up sleep deprivation along with work stress was driving me nuts.

Any way beginning of December I get this raging terrible flu. I didn't feel like I could sit down so I started taking 24 hour Sudafed and other flu meds. I was so desperate I reached out and got 4 MG of kpin and 2 MG of xanax (In blister packs I think from my friend who had gone to mexico). It was literally 4 pills. So over 6 days on 4 of the days I drank a 12 Oz can of wine and took a part of a benzo to sleep after the cold meds and the torture of wearing a mask in my own house and bouncing baby. On the last day I had an emotional breakdown with a customer and started to feel burning sensations which I came to realize were inter dose withdrawal. So that Friday night I took a crumb of xanax then flushed the last half pill down the toilet cause I was like fuck I'm going through withdrawal. The next week was full withdrawal hell. I immediately got gnarly waves and windows and everything you could think of in terms of acute symptoms. I got gabapentin and that didn't help. I think I incited waves with caffeine multiple times until I cut it out. Finally after not sleeping from Saturday night to Wednesday night I checked my self into the observation unit at the crisis center where they gave me seroquel and trazedone which finally knocked me out for the night.

The symptoms have been lessening over the last two weeks but still insanely bothersome. I have been at the point of breakdown with the insomnia and neuropathy. I also got a fucking fermented boozy spindrift out of the can that had me set back before I even realized it.

Thankfully i am a strong distance runner and that has helped me greatly. I had to take work off 2 of the last 3 weeks cause the recovery has not been linear. I'm so disappointed and horrified to be going through this again and in seemingly a more protracted way than before. It feels weird to be back at square 1 as a recovering addict even though I have not been out using a whole bunch and really barely at all. All I can think is that I polydrug kindled myself with an emphasis on gabaergic drugs. And I guess my body really remembers my 2 alcohol withdrawals and 1 xanax withdrawal. I was drinking a shit ton of caffeine prior to this as well. Thanks for reading if you have. Has anyone ever heard about this pattern of use before? Any idea what to expect? It feels like these symptoms are really lingering. I will never touch a benzo again.

Totally relate. I was a weekend warrior, raves and clubs with all the drugs included in this, for years. I took benzos for sleep sometimes. The shit hit the fan when i got a sub. For z drugs mainly zopiclones. I got a sweet toth for the calming high it gives. You have gone thru the worse i think.. four weeks right?

Stay of the boose mabey?.. some seem to have problem with coffee to but I have not so I guess it's individual. I drink gallons of black coffee. 

Good luck..