Im this messed up

[[Go...]]

This is just how bad I am without the pills.  No use in trying to pretend things will ever get better. They won't.  Im done.

[[B1...]]

Gonzo, while I don't believe you should give up on healing, because you will!! there is something to be said about accepting your currently situation as it is. Acceptance that you're suffering now and you are having scary sensations and trying to welcome those symptoms in. Tell them, you allow the thoughts to be here now. You allow your anxiety and fear to exist now. Thank your body for keeping you alive and fighting to improve things. Say you accept your current reality and you hope for a better day tomorrow. If you fight against your experience, you create resistance and this resistance causes more symptoms.

 

I know I have suggested this before, but do you have access to a therapist? Preferably one versed in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy - ACT. I know that you may not have the best support right now but a therapist can help validate your experience and offer you hope and provide tools for accepting your situation and moving forward despite suffering.

 

I was like you a few months ago and in many respects I still am. I struggle daily with the idea of, oh I had anxiety/irrational fears/OCD before all of this so I will not heal because I have a pre-existing condition. And that might be true that my recovery looks very different than someone who did not have obsessional fears before benzos. My baseline is different than everyone elses. But that just means I need to put in extra work in a certain area. For example I don't struggle with sleep, so I don't need to worry about sleep hygiene or avoiding coffee or etc etc. Whereas people who are suffering desperately with insomnia and did so before benzos take steps to minimize their suffering and have healthy practices that promote sleep. So it's no different for me, who had obsessional fears before benzos, for me to put extra work in that area on dealing with my issues with my thoughts. I hope that makes sense.

 

Finally for the sake of my argument, let's assume you have some sort of anxiety disorder that causes irrational fears that plague you. Let's forget the benzos. Let's say, sure this is who you are and you aren't going through benzo WD. (hypothetically - you are very early days of withdrawals from a high dose). If this is truly who you 'are' in then you would seek help to overcome this. And everyday people recover from anxiety, depression, fear, OCD, PTSD, etc. So there's no reason you wouldn't be able to either. We aren't destined to be miserable forever - there are incredible non-medication treatments out that being people very real, very tangible relief and allow them to live very happy and fulfilling lives. If you indeed have some pre-existing condition, which really who knows - there is no way of telling due to (a) time and (b) you are in the height of benzo withdrawal. - then there is help and there is relief available.

 

Either way, you will heal either with time and/or intervention on your end. I really do feel for you Gonzo, your experience and mine share a lot of similarities even if we don't have the same fear. My 'fears' (I am not very afraid of them anymore) are so terrible and vile that I don't feel comfortable even sharing them online without risk of being very misunderstood. I know other people have alluded to these intrusive thoughts before, but no one has written them here so in a sense I am also alone in my thoughts - no one here has validated that they have had these thoughts. I don't let this deter me from having hope for healing.

 

But I will leave you with this: some hope. In the past few months, working with a therapist on dealing with my obsessions and intrusive thoughts, I have made a lot of strides distancing myself from them. Maybe they are an inch or two further away. I recognize I am more than my thoughts, I am more than benzo withdrawal, I am more than an OCD diagnosis. I am able to watch my intrusive thoughts come in and float away. I sleep better now, I have less agoraphobia, I face my fears head on and I spend more time doing things I enjoy, I have less nausea. I am able to watch a whole movie now, I can play games on my computer, I can laugh with friends. All while the thoughts are there, but they are getting weaker because I allow them to be there.

 

 

[[Go...]]

Thank you for all this Birdie.  It's good to get some advice on here instead of the usual "I'm healed" nonsense. That's what it is.  A bunch of nonsense.  I've not changed in over 5 months, and people tell me it's all about my outlook?!?!  How can you possibly have a good outlook when it's terrible from waking up until bedtime.  I've said before, this is no life.  But I'm happy for you that you seem optimistic.  I know I will be that one person everyone talks about thinking they are that doesn't heal.  I was too screwed up before the benzos.  I'm not healing, whether that is negative thinking or not, it's the truth.

[[Go...]]

Birdie,  from going back and reading your posts it sounds like you were a lot less depressed and scared than you give yourself credit for.  You certainly sound better than someone that constantly fears everything.

[[B1...]]

I see Gonzo. I misread your post entirely, my apologies. It really sounded like you were claiming I wasn't as depressed as I was. Wish you the best of luck going forward and I apologize for my defensiveness due to my misunderstanding.

[[B1...]]

In fact I deleted my post due to how insensitive it was due to misunderstanding as I truly did misunderstand you and got very defensive. I'm sorry.

[[Gl...]]

This is just how bad I am without the pills.  No use in trying to pretend things will ever get better. They won't.  Im done.

 

Gonzo, when you say you're done, do you mean you're going to keep taking benzos?  The reason I won't give up is who knows when or if doctors will quit prescribing them.  And what if your doctor cuts you off?  And then there's the aggravating search for another doctor who will prescribe them.

 

Would you consider tapering very, very slowly instead of quitting, even if it takes years?  I've already been tapering for more than 2 years, and it hasn't been bad other than insomnia, which wouldn't be such a problem if I went even slower.  I would go even slower, but I don't want to be dependent on a doctor.

[[Pa...]]

Are you recording your symptoms and their severity?  I felt like I wasn’t recovering either but I must have been because I was able to do more and more. 

 

When you say you haven’t improved at all, how did you feel the first two weeks of your cold turkey, is it still that bad?  This is a part of my success story, did you feel what I felt?

 

Thus my nightmare began, one filled with unimaginable pain and agony.  The first days felt as if my internal organs were being shredded, I could only lay on my couch and writhe in pain.  As the days passed my extremities, all of my muscles were being twisted and shredded.  The pain was relentless accompanied by no sleep, nausea, trembling, twitching and the darkest, most fear filled thoughts I'd ever known.  I was too sick to research what was happening to me, I could only guess I'd been poisoned by the drug.

[[Go...]]

Pamster,  yes I’ve read your story before and can relate to it.  I haven’t had the physical symptoms you had (yet)!, it is mental for me. People tell me they seem improvement, but the past week + has been back to the beginning.  Is this what they mean by a wave?  I certainly don’t feel I had any window or any period of change in 5+ months.

[[Pa...]]

Benzo lies that have been busted

 

I didn’t have waves, I felt awful all the time, and I only had one window and it lasted just a few seconds but I’m sure you could be in a wave, nothing surprises me about these drugs.

 

I know its rough for you right now but recovery is still a ways off.  I remember being so profoundly disappointed when 6 months rolled around and I was still sick.  I hope since you’re not dealing with physical symptoms that you can force yourself to get outside of your head, push yourself physically to distract yourself from your turmoil.  There is a way to cope with what’s happening to you and it isn’t to focus on it. DISTRACT, DISTRACT, DISTRACT!

[[Go...]]

Pamster,  there is no way I’ll be better at 6 months.  My entire day is just negative thinking and no friends. A psychiatrist told me on Friday I needed to “handle” my anxiety or it will kill me.  Ow I have nothing but terrible thoughts about that.  I can’t escape any thoughts and I don’t know what to do.

[[Pa...]]

I agree, you most likely won’t be better at 6 months, I’ve rarely seen a member recover by then, even short term users but I do believe you can improve your life by using distraction.  Since you’re not physically hampered with symptoms, can you force yourself to take a walk outside?

[[Go...]]

I guess I have to?  I noticed when I was walking last month I did feel moments of less fear.  Certainly not what I would imagine as a window what from you and others tell me, but a tiny bit of distraction instead.

[[Pa...]]

I’m not sure those who cold turkey have an abundance of windows, I think I mentioned I only had one and it lasted just a few seconds.  When I was in your shoes, I used anything and everything to distract myself, I spent very little time on the forum because it revved me up too much. 

 

I worked full time then came home and did yard and house projects, I did everything and anything I could to distract myself from my symptoms.  I didn’t feel good doing any of this but it passed the time and that was the best I could hope for. 

 

When we focus on our symptoms, they take all of our attention but when we distract, they’re not so prominent, it’s worth a shot, don’t you think?

[[Go...]]

Yes, being on this forum non-stop is informative, but it’s all I do.  I start a job on Wednesday that is 3 days a week.  I am constantly thinking about the fear of being there.  How am I suppose to be there 8 hours with no where to go for safety?  I don’t know what to think, but being stuck in a sober living house every day is not doing me any good.  I just don’t know what to do.

[[Pa...]]

When I was working, I had to hide in a bathroom stall when things got too much for me, I also took walks around the building but working was a really good distraction.  I was miserable but again, it passed the time and didn’t allow me to focus 100% on my symptoms. 

 

I was cognitively challenged like we all are but I found I could fake it by taking lots of notes and writing myself reminders that I would study in the evenings to help me the next day.  There are lots of tricks we can use to get us through this.  Its good to be informed about what is happening to us and to find common ground with others online but anything more than that and it focuses us too much on our symptoms and has us doom scrolling instead of finding ways to cope. 

 

I know you’re limited by the sober living house and worried about your upcoming employment but I truly believe its’ going to be good for you.

[[Go...]]

Pamster, do you find you still distract yourself in order to have positive thoughts, or was distraction for you primarily to avoid the terrible thoughts in W/D?

[[Pa...]]

I’m normally a fairly positive person, I get down like everyone sometimes but once I recovered, I didn’t have to make any special effort to be me, I was back to my normal.  The only times in my life I’ve been  negative was when I abused alcohol and Klonopin, as long as I stay clean and sober, I’m good to go.