19 months

[[...]]

19 months and still not sleeping. I’m about to give up on healing. At this point I don’t believe sleep is coming back. I’m happy for those of you that were able to sleep again. I hate the doctor that did this to me. She is sitting in her office today enjoying life and I am sitting at home in absolute zombified misery. She has not only ruined my life but also the lives of my kids. They haven’t had a father for 19 months and it seems now that I may never come back from this.

[[Sh...]]

X-ray that is just not true. Part of overcoming the insomnia is releasing its control over you. It very difficult to get to this point but little by little u need to stop focusing on it. Live ur life regardless of it. I know it’s easier said than done but believe me it works. The damage is done by Benzos yes but it becomes entrenched in some deep dark place in your soul and if u keep repeating those words “I won’t heal” “I can’t sleep” “I’ll never sleep again” it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

U must break its hold over you. Only u can do it. “You will heal, some people take a bit longer” “I can sleep even if it’s not as long as I’d like” “one day I will be past this and I must endure it until then”

 

❤️

 

No more negative self talk. U are very brave and u need to give urself a break and talk to yourself like you would to someone you love going thru something very difficult. Be kinder to urself mate.

[[...]]

Thanks Shayna,

I really try. I exercise everyday. Not like you of course but I walk 10 to 12 miles. Depression is really setting in over this. I just want my old life back without all of these brain and body symptoms. Without this damn insomnia. I feel like I am slowly going crazy.

[[Th...]]

X-ray, when you say you're still not sleeping, do you mean not as much as you'd like or not at all?  I got about 3 hours last night but I am powering through as Shayna said.  It sucks, but what other choice do you have?  Some people don't start to get sleep back until 24 months out or sometimes a bit longer.  Not sure why?  Everyone is different.  If you made it 19 months, you can keep going until sleep starts to return and increase in time.  I feel for you, IMO insomnia is the worst symptom and I had a laundry list of them.  Hang in there, give insomnia the middle finger.  It won't fix it immediately, but it can give you a sense of "power" over it.  You're in control, not the insomnia.  Good luck.

[[...]]

I’m getting some sleep most nights. Mostly 3 broken hours but sometimes up to 5 broken hours. IT’s unfortunately not just the insomnia. That just happens to be the worst symptom I have. But when you put all of my symptoms together it adds up to going slowly insane. Today I got so tired in the afternoon I was nodding off but every time I almost went to sleep I got a brain zap that woke me right back up. I also have brain burning, muscle twitches, heart palps, nasty benzo belly. I just need some relief from some of these symptoms. I really thought I would be farther along than this at 19 months.

[[ty...]]

I’m 13 months off, sleep is the same as yours. I also get the hypnic jerks and twitches. My sleep was better in the beginning and  it’s actually getting worse……has your tinnitus resolved? I still have that as well…..

[[Du...]]

U will sleep..just that u have no sleep drive

[[le...]]

They’ve blocked me replying to people, but thanks for you messages. Still about same here. Am sleeping bit, but not doing well. Just ca n’t understand why never seem get any better, tried everything. Guess mental symptoms hardest things to improve. You can’t change way your brain thinks no much how much meditating you do😫

[[...]]

They’ve blocked me replying to people, but thanks for you messages. Still about same here. Am sleeping bit, but not doing well. Just ca n’t understand why never seem get any better, tried everything. Guess mental symptoms hardest things to improve. You can’t change way your brain thinks no much how much meditating you do😫

 

 

It feels that way doesn’t it. Most of my mental symptoms are caused by insomnia. My brain is so exhausted but it just will not sleep. Even when I can’t keep my eyes open I can’t sleep. I start nodding off involuntarily just to be jerked back awake by electric shocks to my brain. My eyes will not focus anymore, my stomach is bloated and painful, my brain burns, my body vibrates, and my heart pounds and flutters.. There is nothing that anybody can do to help and I don’t believe I will ever heal enough to be able to live a normal life. I’m getting close to the end. I think my brain is about dead and my body is not far behind.

[[Th...]]

X-ray,

 

I know you're one of the "outliers" as far as the amount of time it is taking for you to heal, but you WILL heal.  It's not a question of if, but when.  I thought the exact same way as you did, that I'd never heal and had some "rare" form of withdrawal that no one else ever experienced and that I was never going to heal.  I was very negative and very pessimistic.  I also had a boat load of symptoms, most of which are listed in my signature.

 

But I learned that our response to our situation can play a huge role in how we mentally process what is happening to us.  Sure, you were dealt a very crummy hand with your Benzo WD, but how you respond to it can help...some.  After I stopped wallowing in self-pity and despair and decided to actually do the things my body and brain didn't feel like doing, things slowly started to get better.  I made every effort to live my life the way it was before Benzo WD during WD.  It was super hard to do, but eventually going out to eat and going to a movie and then going to the gym became easier and easier.  The hardest thing to do was to not try to care if I slept or not...REALLY...how can you not care if that is the driving factor behind your other symptom intensity?  Slowly I managed to go to bed and tell myself I was just going to rest my body, even if my brain couldn't sleep or was just getting micro-sleep to sustain me.  There were many times where I thought I had another zero night, but my wife said she hear me snoring or could tell I was sleeping.

 

Those electric shocks or that jolt you awake eventually end too.  Everything will fade given enough time. 

[[Sh...]]

I agree with the way x

I used to be jolted awake every single morning by adrenaline or cortisol. It was such a scary feeling and I would just start crying immediately. It’s gone. Now I’m just like oh well time to go for a run.

 

I just had my best sleep week ever. 43 hours perceived. And I had 1 really bad night of under 3. The next day after that was hard but I still went to work and did my usual running around.

 

43 hrs still isn’t great by some peoples standards but my god it’s pretty amazing from where I’ve come from. Zero sleep weeks when I tried to go cold turkey. A 7 hr week when I jumped. I can’t even describe how I felt after those. But I survived. I know I’ve said it before but I’m physically stronger than I’ve ever been and fitter than most people my age.

 

Excercise helps with all those symptoms. I had all those too. I still get heart palpitations and was diagnosed during wd with atrial fibrillation. I now have to wear glasses to watch tv and drive, I still have gi stuff. Did wd cause it? Maybe. But honestly I don’t care anymore. Who knows.

 

You will get to that place of being bullet proof I promise. Push yourself. Break its hold over you. Tell the voice that says all that negative stuff to fuck off. It’s lying.

 

You will get better.

[[...]]

Thanks TheWay, I appreciate all the encouragement you’ve given to me and everyone else on this forum. After 19 months with very little improvement I just don’t believe in healing anymore for me. Whatever happened to my brain is permanent and I am tired of fighting. If I could see some kind of improvement I might have a little hope. But as I sit here typing this my brain is on fire, my muscles feel like they have a low voltage electrical current running thru them, I’m dizzy, my eyes won’t focus, and my stomach is huge and painful. I probably won’t post anymore because I don’t want to discourage others who may be reading this. It’s just amazing to me that 2 months use of xanax has taken a once vibrant and happy person and turned him into this.

But I just wanted to say thank you to you and Shayna for all the encouragement and I’m so happy that you both were able to recover enough to enjoy your lives again.

[[Sh...]]

X-ray I want you to be very careful who u brefriend on this site. Do not allow negative people to give u advice. That is not helpful. They feed the voice.

 

For some reason sometimes our brain seeks negativity or tries to find ways to keep us afraid. It’s trying to keep us safe but becomes hyperfocused on that. Do u see that’s what’s happening to you right now?

 

Ok so ur not going to heal. That’s ur decision? Final. Ok. So u are going to need to live like this coz u have people who count on u.

 

This is a form of acceptance. You are doing it without even realizing it. I said the same thing when I was really sick. “ my kids need me so this is it and I better get used to it”

 

If this is as good as it gets then u do what needs to be done and also do things that soothe u as a reward. Every day. And I bet someday soon u will post on here that ur doing better. I put money on it.

[[Sh...]]

I also want to add that I came off 11 different drugs and I am well again. What the way and I are saying is the truth. Don’t listen to anything else ❤️ I’m here for u mate if u ever need a chat x

[[...]]

Thanks Shayna, that means a lot to me. I just want to come out the other side of this.

[[Sh...]]

I know you do. It’s miserable. I was falling asleep on the lounge last night got up went to bed and nope. Got maybe 2 or 3 light crappy hours. I worked all day yesterday did an hour of weights and ran 6 kilometers. 🤷🏼‍♀️ No reason for it at all. It’s beyond frustrating and now I feel like crap but all I can do is get up and do it all over again.

 

Once u get to that place of true acceptance all the other symptoms fall away so what ur left with is insomnia, and it’s occasional, and u are able to cope better and see it for what it is. A non life threatening pain in the ass that effects everyone in the world at one point of another.

 

Don’t give up on healing ❤️‍🩹 I’m 2 years out and still have bad runs of it. Will it ever end? I don’t know. Do I care? 95% of the time not at all. Right now after a shitty night I care a little. But when the sun comes up I get to go running, which I love. Listening to my music, seeing my crazy early running friends from around the neighborhood. Seeing the sunrise and the swans on the lake. It’s beautiful. I am greatful to be able to move my body again, even if I can’t bloody sleep to save my life 😂

 

You will get to this point and that’s when u can really give it the double middle finger 🖕 🖕

[[Sa...]]

Hi Xray!

 

I can fully subscribe to what Shayna wrote. After many years with the small, inconspicuous but malicious helper Ambien, I sometimes still have a bad night. There are also phases of a few days when I sleep badly and only manage 3-4 hours. After days like this, I doubt myself again. But that also passes quickly and I don't let a bad night stop me anymore.

 

I started going to the gym on weaning and have stuck with it until now. So far I haven't dozed off in the studio. What helped me the most was lying down and allowing all thoughts. I don't fight it anymore. I also don't avoid situations where poor sleep would be a problem (e.g. when travelling). Then I'm just tired. I love coffee and sometimes the feeling of just being exhausted The daily training in particular has helped me to get rid of all other symptoms. The nice side effect: I've never been so physically fit. Mentally is of course more difficult. After all, we all started taking all the pills for a reason (e.g. my brain has a hard time resting in the evening). I tried to work on myself and gradually banished stress factors from my life. It also helped me to realize that half the world feels like sleeping badly. We are really not alone with the problem and we help each other (e.g. here). Times are just full of problems and stress and it affects all of us subconsciously. Don't give up Xray.

 

 

[[he...]]

hey xray... just to pop by and send you a big hug! i am still there with you i guess. just had a nearly 3 week window of feeling well rested most days, almost got a little hope cause i a 20 months out but the last 3 days was back to crap broken 3 or 4 hours. i still thnk we will heal but it does get so hard to really believe it after this time. but people take 2+ years so... and i also still have exploding head syndrom and hypnic jaw jerks and stuff so my body is still not done with it i guess... wanted to reply to your last message to me but i was so busy with kid and stuff and then in my window i ran far from bb ofcourse.

 

oh and i totally cant do the stay positive and ignore the insomnia thing either, i have tried so many times and approaches but i feel too bad after toxic crap sleep

[[An...]]

X-ray said>>> IT’s unfortunately not just the insomnia. That just happens to be the worst symptom I have. But when you put all of my symptoms together it adds up to going slowly insane.

 

I so feel for you X-ray and you have been off for 19 months. This is what is happening to me ATM and I am still on 2.5 mgs of valium. My last attempt at stopping was a complete nightmare and an epic failure.

 

It is not just one sx like you said, but a myriad of them that don't let up. After many months of this, it does make you feel like you are going insane and are about to die.

 

My insomnia is also really bad ATM but it is all the sxs added together that is driving me insane. I am having to force myself to eat. The 24/7 feeling of pressure in my stomach, chest, and throat along with the insomnia and heart palps are what is pushing me closer and closer to the edge.

[[Th...]]

X-ray...

 

I would like to challenge your thoughts that you are not getting any better?  Is your sleep right now the same as it was after you got off?  I thought I remember you saying you are averaging 3-5 hours most nights?  I'd say that's improvement? Ever get a 7 or 8 hour night?  If yes, then they WILL happen again!  It's super easy to go the the negative all the time.  In fact, IMO, I honestly believe being negative and believing you won't heal is a WD symptom!  I've seen other people on this forum that were further out than you and claimed it was no longer WD and they would never heal, but eventually they did!

 

As Shayna said, just do your best to live your life normally given the crappy circumstances.  Also, I'd recommend reading "Cant Hurt Me" by David Goggins.  It will help you become mentally strong and a mental "bad ass."  This man was and still is amazing...

 

Don't give up hope.  You could turn a corner at any time now.  One day you'll look back and wonder why you were acting the way you did?  I promise your sleep will return to livable amounts in the future.

[[Sh...]]

I’ve read can’t hurt me. The man is amazing. Anyone who has run bad water once is amazing, but he’s run it 3 times. Definitely someone to aspire to be mentally. A great book about determination and not letting ur situation define you 👍🏼

[[le...]]

How are you doing X-ray,  I’m blocked from sending pm so just wondered how you were doing? You can message me but can’t reply.

[[ro...]]

Man I am at 12 months off and I feel as though I could have written this. I cant be a father to my son, I can’t work for much longer, every day is the same exact story. Longing for sleep, needing rest, feeling like if I can just get these few more hours of sleep I can begin to get my sanity back. I can begin to become a connected human again. But no. I sleep 2/3 broken hours if I’m lucky then my mind goes bananas and torments me. If I ever try to rest, just as I am relaxing I feel jolted or tortured out of that state. I’m not sure how to continue on. I’m sorry you are going through this man. I never knew torture could exist like this. I wish I knew what to do.