Polydrugged - Did not have luxury to taper properly

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Hi. I am from the Philippines. Been diagnosed with depression since 2016? I think. Looking back, I might have just needed hugs, heart to heart talks, therapy. Not the pill.

 

I have been through the whole list of antidepressants and their brands. My psychiatrist Doc B made me. Nothing really worked but Lexapro was considered the least evil. Did nothing for depression but I did not experience physical side effects like with the others. I was off and on this for a long time, and withdrawals for a different post.

 

Anyway fast forward to September 2020. I got a telehealth psychiatrist Doc C. I was having a hard time with Covid lockdown, my dad with heart issues getting covid, facing my parents' mortality for the first time, i was unemployed, have this terrible block/anxiety doing my thesis, i have anxiety while driving but I am the only one capable/allowed to drive to get necessities during lockdown.

 

I was given Alprazolam (Xanor) 500mcg, Lexapro 20mg and Cymbalta 60mg for about 1 year. I was dutifully going for weekly visits even if expensive. I looked back at my journals and saw that I was doing ok during a time. Then about a few months on, I had lots of rage, worsening anxiety and depression.

 

Doc C made me jump to Bromazepam (Lexotan) 3mg. The new combo is now Bromazepam, Lexapro and Cymbalta  I was on this for 30 months. I was getting worse. Old symptoms intensified. New symptoms I never had before appeared. I was getting random intrusive thoughts of embarrassing moments. I was easily overwhelmed. I did not know night from day anymore. Brain fog. I kept reading 1 sentence and it wont stick in my brain. Memory problems. I felt "slow "

 

I decided maybe the doctor misdiagnosed. I also hated that I had to go every week for a new prescription, and if I missed a dose, I would feel like i was electrocuted, like insects on my body, and very sensitive. My last consult was Nov 25 2022. On December I scheduled a new doctor with lots of high reviews from online. The appointment was on April 2023. I said I'll just grit thru withdrawals. I thought it was just like antidepressant withdrawals I had in the past (brain zaps, depression). I finished the leftover medicines in some unscientific "taper". Cut pills, taking every other day, etc. No logic, no research.

 

January 2023 i thought I got Covid. But no. I was crawling on the floor in pain due to GI issues. I was sensitive to everything. Pain all over. I was filled with rage. Brain zaps. I thought maybe antidepressant withdrawal. I went back to Doc B. She knew i was missing doses but she did not say anything about withdrawals. I just asked for Lexapro.

 

I kept taking the Lexapro, thought it worked. But not really. Awful symptoms kept coming in huge waves.

 

April 2023 I consulted with Doc D. At this time, I was sure I was not taking anything else. My memory is blank now and I wish i kept records of how i tapered. I am not sure if I was still taking benzos during February and march. I am super sure no Benzos on April.

 

Doc D did not address the withdrawals. She wanted to diagnose me with something else. She did comment that my last prescription was kinda weird. She gave me Mirtazapine 7.5mg. I took it for a month and it was HORRIBLE. Overeating, restless but groggy and tranquilized, angry. Next consult, she took me off Mirta and put on Abilify. I was on it for 3 days only because I felt the compulsion to move all the time quite disturbing.

 

May was a month of (a bit restless but productive) calm. May 28, something stressful happened. My anxiety went 0 to 100, I was raging. Then the intense GI issues. Then I felt like something wanting to come off my skin and my brain. Like I was pulled in different directions. At 2AM what seemed like panic woke me up. For 9 hours straight I felt like I was on a roller coaster. The feeling when you fall on a roller coaster? Yeah. But for 9 hours. I couldn't sleep for many days. I researched and found it matched mental/physical akathisia. I posted my story and someone commented "looks like benzo withdrawal."

 

BENZO WITHDRAWAL. It was a nightmare rabbit hole. My doctor never said anything to me, never even warned about alcohol. I asked fellow Filipinos on reddit who mentioned that they took the same drugs. All of them took benzos FOR ONLY A COUPLE OF WEEKS. And their doctors made sure to taper them off. I was distraught. Even the manufacturer said only take for a couple of weeks. I was on it for 3 years daily. Like, I was legally made to be a benzo addict.

 

So that's my story why I couldn't do a proper taper. I basically ran away from Doc B due to loss of trust. I was uninformed. I thought I could just quit willy-nilly.  Worse, I dropped Benzo along with 2 strong antidepressants. I don't think our country has benzo wise doctors to help me. I am so scared. People advise me to hold on as going back will just cause kindling.

 

TLDR. 3 years benzo use with antidepressants.  I am for sure 2 months zero benzos. 1 or 3 to 4 months may be "tapering" or not. My memory is hazy.

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Thanks for sharing your experience. Yikes, you've been through so much with doctors and meds. Are you still having intense benzo withdrawal?  I wish you all the luck in the world.

 

When I started benzos, I knew they were addictive, but I figured it would just take a couple of months to get off them and that would be that.

I was SO wrong. I had no idea.

 

Welcome! I'm glad you came here and hope you find the support and help you need.

[[Tr...]]

Thanks for sharing your experience. Yikes, you've been through so much with doctors and meds. Are you still having intense benzo withdrawal?  I wish you all the luck in the world.

 

When I started benzos, I knew they were addictive, but I figured it would just take a couple of months to get off them and that would be that.

I was SO wrong. I had no idea.

 

Welcome! I'm glad you came here and hope you find the support and help you need.

 

Thank you so much for welcoming me and hearing me out. I was in the thick of it for a week. I was able to sleep for 2 nights straight. But now that I am fine, I worry and fear when it will be back. It's such a cruel thing, having a peaceful okay day suddenly be snatched away from you and there is no set deadline for relief.

 

I have to work on that. Sieze the day, especially during windows. I pray we all heal as soon as possible with the most minimal withdrawal symptoms.

[[Gl...]]

Thanks for sharing your experience. Yikes, you've been through so much with doctors and meds. Are you still having intense benzo withdrawal?  I wish you all the luck in the world.

 

When I started benzos, I knew they were addictive, but I figured it would just take a couple of months to get off them and that would be that.

I was SO wrong. I had no idea.

 

Welcome! I'm glad you came here and hope you find the support and help you need.

 

Thank you so much for welcoming me and hearing me out. I was in the thick of it for a week. I was able to sleep for 2 nights straight. But now that I am fine, I worry and fear when it will be back. It's such a cruel thing, having a peaceful okay day suddenly be snatched away from you and there is no set deadline for relief.

 

I have to work on that. Sieze the day, especially during windows. I pray we all heal as soon as possible with the most minimal withdrawal symptoms.

 

Wow, I'm so glad you are fine right now and even had 2 nights of sleep.  That's a big thing.  Possibly, you could be one of the lucky ones, and maybe you'll be okay now (I hope!) and not go through more withdrawal.  I understand your fear.  It's a real thing.  You take care.