New User - Valium no taper - 10 months out

[[am...]]

Hi Everyone !!

 

My name is Amber, I'm 25, female, from Melbourne Australia.

 

I've been reading this space for a few weeks now and I'm so glad I found it!! My experience with Benzo withdrawal up until this point has been lonely and horrible, at times I didn't even want to be alive

 

Basically, in 2021 I was prescribed 5mg of Valium to help with stress from work and uni. The doctor only gave me a script for 7 pills to last over the course of two weeks, however...when I too the prescription to the chemist, I was given 50 pills by mistake, I think a new chemist was working. I didn't know the dangers of benzos and I had no idea what I was getting into.

 

I spaced the pills over the next 6 months but when I ran out my anxiety came back so I went back to the doctors to get more pills. Throughout 2022 I was given a regular dose of 5 Valium 5mg tablets per week. I started developing weird symptoms that I didn't know could've been to do with the Valium. I was tired, crying all the time, having crazy panic attacks and passing out. My heart also started skipping beats. But I thought it was just my mental illness worsening...even though before the Valium, it had never gotten so bad. I was working as a graphic designer at a bad company so I switched jobs hoping it would help my symptoms. But they only got worse.

 

I was hospitalised a total of 15 times in 2022, with heart problems and passing out episodes and extreme panic attacks that let me confused. The migraines I had as a child also came back, and the worst part was, I didn't even know I hadn't hit rock bottom yet...It got so much worse.

 

I went back to my doctor begging for some help with my panic attacks and she suggested I switch antidepressants. I have been on 7.5mg of Remeron since 2019 and it's really helped me. So I refused. Then she suggested something that I believe, now, ruined my entire life. She stopped my Valium prescription with no taper.

 

I didn't think this would affect me. I didn't know anything about withdrawal from benzos, I'd never taken any sort of benzos before 2021 and my family didn't have a history with drug use. So I stopped.

 

Within 3 days I woke up confused. I had no idea where I was. My room looked unfamiliar and I began shaking sweating and sobbing. This was August 2022. I was still living at my parents at the time and I remember running into the kitchen clawing at my skin because I believed I was still dreaming. I was terrified. I couldn't stop sobbing and could barely speak. I was taken to the hospital where they refused to treat me and just gave me Valium to calm down. But it didn't work. Over the next week I couldn't function. I didn't feel real and was sobbing every second of the day. My thoughts were jumbled and my train of thought made no sense. I couldn't string a sentence together. I thought I was dying. My mum kept taking me to the hospital but my tests came back normal. After another week I developed flu-like symptoms and was shaking with the chills, had body aches and pains and couldn't stay awake for more than an hour. I was put on antibiotics for another week but nothing changed. My dreams were insane and gorey and vivid and my mind was blank, I couldn't work and the worst part, everyone blamed me. No one knew it was the Benzos. Over the next few months, I also developed joint pain, a burning pain in my back that is unbearable. I still have these symptoms to this day, 9 months later. My worst symptom is DP/DR, I just don't feel like I'm rel or the world around me is real, I forget things easily and I feel so lost sometimes. They have gotten better over periods and they have gotten worse.

 

I know it probably seems obvious to all of you, but my doctor never warned me about Benzo withdrawal or that I could have a significant reaction to stopping Valium. So I did not know for 9 WHOLE FUCKING MONTHS (excuse my language) that my symptoms were caused by the benzos. I thought I was nuts, or had some kind of rare illness like encephalitis. Because of this I saw rheumatologists, neurologists, cardiologists, acupuncturists, physios, and pain doctors and spent over $10,000 in medical testing and procedures that could've been saved if just one doctor had told me post-acute withdrawal from benzos is something that can happen to people. I was instead diagnosed with fibromyalgia and told to try and meditate. I felt helpless.

 

A few weeks ago, at work, my back was burning and I tried to think back to what had happened to me at the beginning, as a last-ditch effort to work out what might be wrong, as I didn't believe this was fibromyalgia. Instead of googling my symptoms like I normally did. I instead googled the medications I was on. I googled 'Can Valium cause Fibromyalgia" and a study came up about how long-term benzo use can mimic chronic illness. "oh..." I thought, and typed "Valium withdrawal how long" into Google and post-acute withdrawal from Benzos came up on Wikipedia. I read all of the symptoms and started crying. I finally had found what was wrong with me after all this time. I felt a wave of relief.

 

I found communities on reddit and eventually found this board which has been the most useful to me!!! I've been reading through all of your experiences over the past few weeks and I've decided I want to join in. This week has been rough as I'm another "Wave". My dp/dr has been really bad, I went to the hospital last week with heart palpitations and my vivid dreams have come back for the first time in 8 months...

 

I just was wondering if this is normal 9 months out....the symptoms getting worse again. I just really want this all to end, I'm so tired of it. But I've found a lot of hope in this blog as I've read a lot of you have been on stronger doses for much longer than me and have gotten better. 

 

I live alone now - Moved out in December to my own apartment which was very hard and made my symptoms flare up. So I'm looking for some support and community when I'm in these "waves" and hopefully I can provide some support to you guys as well. I've tried a lot of different things, some have helped and some haven't and I can't wait to share some of these remedies in my other posts.

 

Anyway, if you read this thankyou and I hope to engage with you all a lot more!!

 

- Amber XX

 

 

 

 

[[Pa...]]

Hello ambspaws, welcome to BenzoBuddies,

 

I’m so sorry you’ve had to face this alone, I know how scary it is to not understand what’s happening, I had no idea either but thankfully I found understanding a little sooner than you did.  To not have people believe us, or try to minimize what we’re feeling is cruel, we’re glad you’re here.

 

I’ll provide some links to hep you navigate the forum but it sounds like you’ve already figured things out.  Let us know how we can help you.

 

Pamster

Withdrawal Support (during your taper)

 

Ashton Manual symptom list

[[ma...]]

Hello Amber

 

I am glad you're here with us, I found my first benzo forum by accident, getting no help from my doctors.  I did my own research,  it was such a relief to find others like me who's stories I could have written myself.  I am sorry you continue to suffer 9 months out, this is not uncommon, it took 18 months before I started feeling better, it won’t be that long for you,  I did a taper after 26 year usage, I recovered and so will you.  The symptoms you experience are common,  its horrific that you were forced to stop abruptly and given no support, unfortunately it's not unique, it happens often! 

 

Cold turkey is nearly always a rough ride, but it will get better eventually, you will come through this.    Many of us here, weren’t informed of the addictive nature of benzodiazepines. None of us had the faintest idea of the hell that lay in front of us. Recovery is up and down and it can get worse before it gets better, but remember its temporary, you will get better from this. Try and distract the best you can, walking, listen to music, find something you like doing,try anything that will take your mind away from the symptoms. I am glad you've found some things that have helped you.

 

I will leave a few links to resources

 

Post withdrawal recovery support.   

Cold Turkey, Detox& Rapid Withdrawal

 

If you would add a signature (history of meds/doses etc) it will help members give you relevant advice.  Go to the top of the page and select PROFILE then choose forum profile then insert drug history into the text box and remember to click change profile

 

Welcome aboard

Magrita