The never ending wave

[[Al...]]

Does anyone feel like this is almost unbelievably bad? I struggle to comprehend that a little blue pill that I regularly gobbled and naively took for granted could end up having these effects.

The symptoms are so persistent and severe I almost doubt that they could be connected to my little friends, and I have to tell myself that they are not the symptoms of something sinister that I have missed.

Weird weakness in arms and legs, cog fog, electric shocks, random spasms, a bit of garden variety dizziness and nausea.

I keep waiting for my current wave to end but it is the gift that keeps on giving and just when I think it’s finished with me it comes on twice as strong.

It seems to have last a few weeks and I can’t remember my last window of normality.

I’m on day fifty two or three of withdrawal and I can’t see and end to this yet.

Any tips, advice, personal stories  would be very welcome.

Thank you.

[[Pa...]]

The power of these drugs to dismantle our lives is sometimes beyond comprehension, how can a medically and legally approved medication be so destructive?  The frustration of our non-linear recovery is cruel and when you combine that with the dismissals we get from those who don't understand it compounds our suffering.

 

I know windows are great, I had one that lasted a few seconds, I still remember it 16 years later but they're not a barometer of recovery, you're recovering regardless of windows so try not to worry if you don't have them very often. 

 

I'm glad you're reaching out because we need reassurance, not just for peace of mind but to keep symptoms from increasing. When we give in to the negative emotions this process elicits our stress increases and stress can increase our symptom severity. 

[[Al...]]

Thank you for your thoughtful response.

What were the symptoms you struggled with the most and did you ever doubt it was withdrawals that you were experiencing and fear that it was something else?

Thank you

[[Pa...]]

I started to list my symptoms here but really, there were the same as yours and most everyone's here.  For some reason I didn't suspect other diseases, I just kind of accepted my misery for what it was, miserable.  I remember looking for other possible contributors making it worse like menopause but after reading all of the symptoms this process can produce, I just waited for them to leave and they finally did.

[[Al...]]

Thank you for your help.

I’m amazed at how big of a problem this is for so many people.

[[ti...]]

Yeah, I feel like the punishment is way disproportionate to the crime. I was given Valium after my first panic attack in 1994 when I was 18. I trusted that doctor and all of the doctors I had since. It was in the earliest days of the internet, so there wasn't a lot of information readily available to the average person. I only had one doctor express concern about me being on Valium for decades, but still she kept prescribing me the stuff. And the doctors who kept increasing my dose? Well, I was suffering and hey, Valium wasn't as effective over time so of course I should be taking more, and more, and more.

 

I'm angry that I was so trusting, and that I took my situation for granted because I had no reason to doubt anything especially myself. By the time I came around to realizing that Valium was not doing me any favors, many years had already passed. Years that I still had anxiety and depression despite being on medication and having therapy.

 

In four days I'll be celebrating one year off of Valium. The year's been hard, but I'm doing well and I'm finally present in my own life. If you told me that I would be experiencing PAWS this far out I would have been in complete denial and that there was no way that a medication could stay in my system for this long.

 

I'm sorry I went off on a tangent, but this is so unfair to all of the people here, it just makes me upset.

[[Al...]]

Don’t be sorry I totally get you and it’s infuriating. I also congratulate you on your sucesss and determination.

I’m angry at myself for being so naive with them.

I abused them on a regular basis since 2014 along with a variety of other substances and they seemed dare I say almost harmless.

Once I stopped drinking they became a serious crutch and once I tried to take the crutch away I realised that I was in deep trouble.

It went from having one to relax or calm down or whatever to just eating them to stay normal.

I just took them for granted especially living in Cambodia where you can buy a strip of ten for a dollar.

 

[[ti...]]

It went from having one to relax or calm down or whatever to just eating them to stay normal.

 

This. 100% this.

 

You should be very proud of yourself for coming this far. Of course none of us knows the length of this particular journey, but the hardest part is done. So many of us don't realize that Benzos (and other dangerous drugs) are not our friend.

 

It's so unfair, but we can only look forward.

 

I hope your never ending wave breaks sooner than later.

 

 

[[Al...]]

Thank you very much and take care of yourself.