Chemical Fear

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Cage

 

I feel your distress, and I am very sorry you are going through this.

 

What you are experiencing is completely normal and common. CT is a  volcano of withdrawal. I did it 20 years ago, and was in bed, hallucinating, and feeling like I was in the pits of hell for 6 months. At that point, it slowly started to improve. At 9 months, I was able to leave and go places, and resume work. I was still in withdrawal, but the functionless part was behind me. I would still get surges, but I kept going. I felt about 80-% healed at around 2 years.

 

I still had issues,  one being the prexisting anxiety disorder. I also was very sensitive to stimuli and could find myself slipping back into a withdrawal state, although not as severe as the initial first year.

 

Also, I believe the damage done to me by the benzo had some very long lasting effects that would, or perhaps would not, heal in time. Notably, the increased sensitivity.

 

You are allowed to fall apart and break down whenever you want to. This is horrible, and it is exhausting. You may have run out of reserves to keep faking and pushing, so just let go. Cry, let the fears run through you, write down the bad thoughts. Tell your withdrawal to do it's best to hurt as much as possible. I am serious. Demand it to bring it all on, and get on with it.  Allow yourself to experience the brokenness you have been trying to hold back.

 

You will actually feel better, and more in control after doing this. You will know you can survive a collapse.

 

Finally, all the things we do to feel better do not heal the CNS, and the CNS controls our entire body. Only time will bring healing.

 

The activities, exercise, meditation, diet, etc., help us cope. They distract us. They are things we do to hang  on to the best health we can while going through this. They provide a purpose of meaning. A sense of control. And, they usually give us a break while we do them. Think of them as a raft. You are lost in the ocean, and you see  a raft. You can get on it, and it will keep you from drowning. However, it will not remove the ocean underneath you. In time, and time is never consistent nor predictable, you will find oars, and can start using them to find the shore. And, finally, eventually, it will be in sight.

 

You can't fight the ocean. You can do things that you know will aid you in recovery for the temporary and the long term. I do yoga. Sometimes I feel nothing. However, I know it is very good for my CNS and over all health in the long run. However, it will not stop the withdrawal in general.

 

Only time as our brain and body engage in healing in their own way, and at their own pace.

 

This can be very hard to accept. And we can get desperate for escape and become vulnerable to people on YouTube and elsewhere touting a diet, a vitamin, a coach, a type of exercise or meditation or a clinic, or a detox, or a guru. They wont heal you. They could give you some distraction, but only time will give you what you need and want.

 

You have likely come through the worst of it, this I can not know. However, keep going. It will end.

[[he...]]

Hang in there, tomorrow will always be different.