Medium term CT

[[ma...]]

Thanks for the replies everyone. Been a miserable few days, bad bad wave I suppose. Broke down a bit in front of the wife and ran her through everything I was feeling which helped a lot.

Really really struggling to kick the nagging feeling that it’s not the Benzos and that I have some Neuro muscle wasting disease.

 

My left hand is mega clumsy as is my right leg, it comes and goes and doctors are insistent that it’s old sports injuries + bwd + anxiety but I’ve been just having looping thoughts of it being something more sinister that’s going to kill me (rationally I know that the fact the symptoms come and go mean + the fact I’m younger, only just turned 30, + been feeling these symptoms for 9 months now and haven’t got any worse means that bwd is the logical explanation and the doctors are right, but still it’s so so hard to stop ruminating on the what if’s and end up looping my thoughts into a real mess)

 

Thinking about getting some counselling, I don’t think going and seeing another doctor or neuro for a 5th opinion is really going to help anything, but it’s so tempting as I have a history of doctor shopping to get 5+ opinions to rule out things I imagine I have...

 

Anyway, sorry for ranting, guess this is my first proper wave, and anxiety is a common reported symptom in waves. Is it normal to have such a dreadful wave right after my first (amazing) window?

[[Pa...]]

It's very common to have a wave after a window and I have to tell you, I love how you've countered each irrational fear with logic, you've just said to yourself what I was going to say, so thanks. 

 

I'm so glad you shared what was going on with your wife, this is a lonely, scary time and you need all the support you can get.  I like the idea of counseling rather than seeking more medical opinions since you've had a few already. 

 

Keep up the distraction techniques, when I quit cold turkey I just kept busy.  I worked full time then came home and kept working.  I couldn't sit still so I had to keep moving but it saved me from constantly thinking about my fear.  I was still miserable of course but when we focus on anything other than our symptoms, its a good thing.

[[ma...]]

Once again some great advice pamster, thank you so much

 

 

[[Be...]]

Oh my gosh you are doing amazingly! I know you have days/moments where you don't feel like you are doing well - but you are doing so so well! I was flat on my back for close to 8  weeks after cold turkey-ing from 5 months of 5mg of Valium most days (sometimes less sometimes more)  The fact you are having windows is wonderful.  Keep going.  you will get through this - you are healing and doing fabulously.

 

 

[[ma...]]

Thank you it means a great deal :)

Hope things are going well for you

[[ka...]]

MAcaz

 

Thanks for posting. I’m right w you timeline wise heading into 11 months off and I am struggling but I have a supportive family like you. 

[[ma...]]

How are you doing kanoba? Still having headaches? Anything else? Hope they’re easing up for you

[[ma...]]

Update for the week, mentally going pretty well apart from health anxiety.

 

Twitching seems to be easing up a little or I’m not noticing so much, but also still weird clumsy feeling and occasional patches of burning skin on my left forearm and right knee. Right leg still feels odd but it’s not actually weak ie am able to workout etc no probs, just have some weird nerve sensations.

 

I’m finding key for me is blocking out the intrusive thoughts as best I can and remind myself it’s the bwd. This forum the success stories and milestones have been the biggest help of all as I read those and hear about so many people in the same boat as me and while I hate that anyone has to endure this crap, it’s super reassuring to see how identical symptoms are so common, so thanks BB!!

[[ma...]]

Admin - feel free to move this to a more appropriate section eg buddy blogs, I like having the input but don’t want to clog up the CT section 

[[Pa...]]

I read the success stories too, I couldn't really engage with others when I was at my worst, so I lurked.  I'm glad you're fighting the intrusive thoughts with the reality of your situation, too often we give in to the fear and hopelessness this process thrives on.  I've always felt that the more we educate ourselves the better we're able to fight the fear and accept the symptoms.

 

You're not clogging things up here, it's just that not many quit cold turkey so they don't visit this part of the forum.  We could move this thread to post withdrawal support which may get you more responses or I can move it to the blog section, let me know.

[[Be...]]

Hey,

 

How are you going? I hope you are doing ok & if you aren't I hope you are being kind to yourself.  Hang in there - it gets better.

 

)

[[ma...]]

Thanks pamster I’ll leave it here

 

Hi Bess, not too bad thanks, my symptoms are mostly all muscular and sensation these days, mental side of things is going good, praying the muscles ease up soon!!

[[ma...]]

Went for a run today, first time in years. Felt great, might pay for it tomorrow who knows, was nice to clear my head a bit. Lips and tongue are burning a bit tonight but it’s ok

[[Pa...]]

Something you haven't done in years, is it because you've been dulled by the drug and haven't had the motivation?  I hope you don't pay for it, I'm sure it felt wonderful!

[[ma...]]

Thanks pamster. Bit of both 

 

I found a really good podcast today called the Benzo free podcast and he rationally describes every one of my symptoms and made me feel extremely peaceful, that along with this site are now my go-to when I’m feeling anxious about symptoms

[[Pa...]]

Validation for what we go through is so important and being able to talk about our symptoms with others who feel them helps push the fear away, I'm glad you've found tools to help you through this. 

[[ma...]]

booking a neurologist hopefully for some peace of mind that i dont have a neurological disease causing my symptoms.

 

The symptoms come and go, which hopefully points to it being bwd rather than anything else, but im going to rule out anything else as its been occupying my thoughts for 9 months now.

 

wish me luck, not feeling flash

[[Pa...]]

We need to trust this is all caused by benzodiazepine withdrawal but most of us feel the need to verify as well.  Peace of mind is hard to come by during this process, so however you can achieve that is worth it. 

[[ma...]]

3 months since CT today

mixed bag, but overall feeling positive

i did a bit of a post in the milestones thread for it.

i'd say my worst symptom is twitching, so i'm pretty lucky

[[ma...]]

Things have escalated quite a bit. Got some CT scan results back on my back which weren’t good, and sent me into a pretty bad medical anxiety spiral.

 

My wife is an angel and booked a holiday house for us for a couple of nights to get me away.

 

I have an EMG and neurologist appointment tomorrow to rule out the big scary diseases that I have been living in 24x7 terror of for 10-11 months now. Pray for me 

[[Pa...]]

I'm sorry to hear about your medical issues maccaz, the stress you're feeling will likely ramp up your symptoms, this seems to be the biggest contributing factor to our pain.

 

Please keep us posted on your health, your wife sounds wonderful, I'm glad she's so supportive. 

[[ma...]]

good news, no major diseases or anything like that. My nerve conduction test did find some irregularities in one leg relating to an old herniated disk in my back, but nothing in the rest of my body so the neuro was confident to rule out anything serious.

Getting a follow up mri to see the extend of the back injury, but apart from that nothing to worry about

 

$950 later  > >

 

but I am happy

[[Pa...]]

Wonderful news maccaz, I'm glad you got an almost clean bill of health, now if only you could feel as good as you're supposed to be feeling since there's nothing wrong with you that the tests can see except for your back injury.  Benzo sufferers do a good job of keeping the medical testing community in business! 

[[ma...]]

the roller coaster continues

 

had a really really rough 2 weeks, was almost like acute again, followed by 4-5day window of almost no twitching or any other problems.

now back to feeling crap again but mentally pretty positive.

 

The wave was so bad i was second guessing whether it is the benzos and went down various medical panic rabbit holes, and in hindsight feel silly.

 

I saw a counsellor for the first time today and hes given me a workbook to get through of CBT, and a follow up appointment in 3 weeks.

[[Pa...]]

Roller coaster is right, you've had quite the ride lately.  Fear is a huge component of this process, please don't feel silly about your health concerns, we all have them, benzo sufferers are making the medical testing community rich. 

 

I'm glad you're talking to a therapist, is he benzo wise?