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No Longer Believe in Full Healing


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I no longer believe in full healing. On Saturday, I will be two years off this medication and I've been told by people that I will get better, but I no longer believe it. People along the way have been urging me wait six more months, and see where you are and I do and nothing gets better. I've done everything everyone recommended. I've purchased like twenty recommended books and read them, I've tried different recommended supplements, I've been through five therapists since 2018, I've exercised, I've tried not working and working, I've distracted, I drink a gallon of water a day, I don't drink alcohol or caffeine, I take naps and rest, and nothing helps.

 

While I don't feel quite as insane as I did in the first year, I'm nowhere near mentally okay. I feel angry and like screaming all the time. I can't connect with people at all and I have zero hobbies I look forward to. I can't stand being around people, yet I hate being alone. I feel trapped when I'm inside at my house, yet I don't really like going places because I don't want to interact with people. I have neuropathy throughout my body and what feels like pressure around my eyes. I no longer have the ability to cry even though I want to all the time. All I feel is anhedonia and apathy and anger. Nothing creates a spark. Nothing excites me. I feel like my vision issues and need to move removes me from all situations that should be enjoyable or relaxing. I don't feel like anything seems real anymore. Although I don't feel suicidal, I don't feel I particularly care if I'm alive or not. I just go to work, eat, and sleep. Not a single passion left. I was really into working on that album, but now that that is done and how anticlimactic that was, why would I keep working on music? Ultimately nobody cares.

 

Anyway, why would there be a protracted board if everybody heals? I know this is just me looking for a pity party or maybe I just needed to vent, I'm not sure.  Whatever.

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Ditto....30 mths and still homebound non functional.

 

I have to believe that everyone heals otherwise I will end it However, I am pretty worn out and really very rarely even bother visiting support groups anymore because of that same shit of...."Just give it more time. 30 mths isnt really that long in this, its all normal to be stuck at home with mental and physical symptoms still at this stage"

 

And this comes from people who healed many many months ago or are only 12 mths off or are semi functional. I understand they are trying to continue to offer hope and reassure themselves as well but it still doesnt take away the fact that im losing hope real fast and starting to believe that I may just be one of the statistics.

 

My doctor really is a nazi whore. All this from drugs i never needed to treat a condition I never had.

 

And then you have to see the little cry babies on TV....."I've been stuck at home for 2 weeks because of this corona virus"...."Its taken a whole month out of my life because if this quarantine".........F**K OFF!

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Sorry, man. I've been functional throughout but I don't feel good at all. I have no idea how I've managed to work all this time.

 

I wish I could just feel excited or interested in something and could connect with people again. I have believed people for so long that I would get better and really thought I would between 6-18 months.

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This posting is why I still come here. Such postings give me a bases where I can feel validated in how I feel, and even feel grounded where I'd not otherwise be - anywhere else. No one, including my therapist, psychiatrist mentor etc. get what I'm going through - yet here it is, so clearly stated. Cannot thank you enough - means a great deal in a world otherwise entirely devoid of meaning. I'm in it 3.5 yrs. an no lift - in fact cognitive function in decline. I never fell for the it'll get better hype - especially in my case at the level of dosage I ended up on. I'm looking into seeing a neurologist about possible dementia but no doubt the Benzo are central to all that is wrong with my current state. I too, have become a leper in my family (in-law) and burned all but a couple of bridged with long time friends. I'm an inept social phobic, and feel fear/rage at the slightest thing. I feel mummified with any effort to connect - both in extrospective and introspective terms. Music to me as well, has always been vital to my sense of purpose where I could be involved in something that matters on a deep emotional level. I've been out of work 5 yrs., finally approved for SSDI. I've geared up for a studio setup - but for what? Now it's down to just me and the cat.

 

 

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I have the same symptoms as you. I don't believe I'll ever fully recover! I think the so-called "time cure" just gives us comfort and hope. Every day is torture! I can't accept this life!
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I’m just a year out, but my intensity and constant state of suffering as well as physical and mental decline also tells me I’m not going to heal. Hope is where?
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It doesn’t help anyone, especially yourselves, to be this negative. It’s terrible that you’re still suffering, and I know hearing you’ll heal is probably falling on deaf ears at this point but what other choice do you have?  People do heal. What would they get out of posting success stories if they didn’t? They aren’t lying. Try to remain positive. Just get through the next second, next hour, next day. Nothing stays the same forever.
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[13...]
I had anhedonia for 5 years. I recovered! Rest assured! Benzo withdrawal is a prison sentence. Do the time, don't let the time do you. Find a way to turn this negative into a positive with the understanding that in 4 years tops, you'll be close to 100%.
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I had anhedonia for 5 years. I recovered! Rest assured! Benzo withdrawal is a prison sentence. Do the time, don't let the time do you. Find a way to turn this negative into a positive with the understanding that in 4 years tops, you'll be close to 100%.

 

There are people here and on Facebook groups who are 8+ years out and still suffering

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I'm so sorry you are still suffering so much. That must be really hard. Sometimes, acceptance is the best medicine and healing. It always is for me, when I can get there. It sounds like you are close to it. It is important to accept that, no, absolutely not, there is no such thing as 100% back to some state we used to be in. We are forever changed by this in many ways. Some good, some bad. Hopelessness is a natural, normal part of this awful process. Its ok to just own it, I think that's actually healthy/a major healing sign. Avoidance, I've found, merely leads to more suffering.
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This is kind of like whack a mole.

Where symptoms get better and then new ones appear. I’ve been having massive waves lately because of all the stress in the world going on.

But here’s the thing...I was really really REALLY bad during acute. I was still REALLY bad a year out. I’m sort of bad still, but nothing extreme anymore.

 

So healing is happening. Slowly? Yes. But it is.

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I'm so sorry you are still suffering so much. That must be really hard. Sometimes, acceptance is the best medicine and healing. It always is for me, when I can get there. It sounds like you are close to it. It is important to accept that, no, absolutely not, there is no such thing as 100% back to some state we used to be in. We are forever changed by this in many ways. Some good, some bad. Hopelessness is a natural, normal part of this awful process. Its ok to just own it, I think that's actually healthy/a major healing sign. Avoidance, I've found, merely leads to more suffering.

 

At what point (experience) did you come to accept it? Are you talking metaphysically? What boomboxboy21 is talk about is well beyond acceptance. That's not even the issue called for here. 

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I'm actually doing a little better today. I've been able to fight off the bad thoughts and feelings and the anger for no reason. I know I'm going to go back into it eventually and there will be nothing I can do. I just want to be able to think about normal stuff without feeling incredibly angry and hateful.
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I'm so sorry you are still suffering so much. That must be really hard. Sometimes, acceptance is the best medicine and healing. It always is for me, when I can get there. It sounds like you are close to it. It is important to accept that, no, absolutely not, there is no such thing as 100% back to some state we used to be in. We are forever changed by this in many ways. Some good, some bad. Hopelessness is a natural, normal part of this awful process. Its ok to just own it, I think that's actually healthy/a major healing sign. Avoidance, I've found, merely leads to more suffering.

 

At what point (experience) did you come to accept it? Are you talking metaphysically? What boomboxboy21 is talk about is well beyond acceptance. That's not even the issue called for here.

I dont think Rose meant Acceptance at the Exclusion of further healing, -More as part of the process.. ??

 

 

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Here is the deal. You are on the internet taking others at their word.  No one truly knows what is going on. I can say that several  people have underlying depression/anxiety and panic disorder. With out treatment you are destroying you body. I don’t have time right time but I can provide studies behind panic disorder and all it’s reasons.

If you have something underlying then nothing is going to change for you going down this road. 180 days is the time frame doctors speak of as new cells and new balance of neurotransmitters happen.

The problem here is EVERYONE thanks they are in this long withdrawal. They think permanent damage is done, etc. it’s more that likely not. Plenty of research, not message boards will show you this. People have a hell lot worse happen and make full recover in 18 months to true brain damage.

What your going through is likely not repeated to benzos use in the past.

Your wasting a lot of time of having a quality of life. Look at this virus or any other thing that kill you at any moment.

Anytime I see these 2 years off not doing well post I just want to scream. Find a good doc and figure out the best course of action and give your life some quality. I didn’t it a week and am doing much better. I’m playing with my kids again, smiling. Etc. I don’t know how long I have left in life and I can’t go back and never have taken a drug. It’s time to make the best decision for you whatever that maybe for whatever situation your life is now. Best of luck. Hope you find happiness

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I no longer believe in full healing. On Saturday, I will be two years off this medication and I've been told by people that I will get better, but I no longer believe it. People along the way have been urging me wait six more months, and see where you are and I do and nothing gets better. I've done everything everyone recommended. I've purchased like twenty recommended books and read them, I've tried different recommended supplements, I've been through five therapists since 2018, I've exercised, I've tried not working and working, I've distracted, I drink a gallon of water a day, I don't drink alcohol or caffeine, I take naps and rest, and nothing helps.

 

While I don't feel quite as insane as I did in the first year, I'm nowhere near mentally okay. I feel angry and like screaming all the time. I can't connect with people at all and I have zero hobbies I look forward to. I can't stand being around people, yet I hate being alone. I feel trapped when I'm inside at my house, yet I don't really like going places because I don't want to interact with people. I have neuropathy throughout my body and what feels like pressure around my eyes. I no longer have the ability to cry even though I want to all the time. All I feel is anhedonia and apathy and anger. Nothing creates a spark. Nothing excites me. I feel like my vision issues and need to move removes me from all situations that should be enjoyable or relaxing. I don't feel like anything seems real anymore. Although I don't feel suicidal, I don't feel I particularly care if I'm alive or not. I just go to work, eat, and sleep. Not a single passion left. I was really into working on that album, but now that that is done and how anticlimactic that was, why would I keep working on music? Ultimately nobody cares.

 

Anyway, why would there be a protracted board if everybody heals? I know this is just me looking for a pity party or maybe I just needed to vent, I'm not sure.  Whatever.

 

Couldn't typed this better. I feel exactly like this where im at right now. Youve come a long way. Youre going to reach the finish line.

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Here is the deal. You are on the internet taking others at their word.  No one truly knows what is going on. I can say that several  people have underlying depression/anxiety and panic disorder. With out treatment you are destroying you body. I don’t have time right time but I can provide studies behind panic disorder and all it’s reasons.

If you have something underlying then nothing is going to change for you going down this road. 180 days is the time frame doctors speak of as new cells and new balance of neurotransmitters happen.

The problem here is EVERYONE thanks they are in this long withdrawal. They think permanent damage is done, etc. it’s more that likely not. Plenty of research, not message boards will show you this. People have a hell lot worse happen and make full recover in 18 months to true brain damage.

What your going through is likely not repeated to benzos use in the past.

Your wasting a lot of time of having a quality of life. Look at this virus or any other thing that kill you at any moment.

Anytime I see these 2 years off not doing well post I just want to scream. Find a good doc and figure out the best course of action and give your life some quality. I didn’t it a week and am doing much better. I’m playing with my kids again, smiling. Etc. I don’t know how long I have left in life and I can’t go back and never have taken a drug. It’s time to make the best decision for you whatever that maybe for whatever situation your life is now. Best of luck. Hope you find happiness

 

I think you're foolish. You don't know near enough about medication withdrawal to be saying any of this. If I didn't have these feelings before quitting benzos, how could they not be related to quitting medications? Your comments aren't useful or helpful. I've spoken with numerous people who got on other drugs and it did nothing to help them and now they're in for another withdrawal. 

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Here is the deal. You are on the internet taking others at their word.  No one truly knows what is going on. I can say that several  people have underlying depression/anxiety and panic disorder. With out treatment you are destroying you body. I don’t have time right time but I can provide studies behind panic disorder and all it’s reasons.

If you have something underlying then nothing is going to change for you going down this road. 180 days is the time frame doctors speak of as new cells and new balance of neurotransmitters happen.

The problem here is EVERYONE thanks they are in this long withdrawal. They think permanent damage is done, etc. it’s more that likely not. Plenty of research, not message boards will show you this. People have a hell lot worse happen and make full recover in 18 months to true brain damage.

What your going through is likely not repeated to benzos use in the past.

Your wasting a lot of time of having a quality of life. Look at this virus or any other thing that kill you at any moment.

Anytime I see these 2 years off not doing well post I just want to scream. Find a good doc and figure out the best course of action and give your life some quality. I didn’t it a week and am doing much better. I’m playing with my kids again, smiling. Etc. I don’t know how long I have left in life and I can’t go back and never have taken a drug. It’s time to make the best decision for you whatever that maybe for whatever situation your life is now. Best of luck. Hope you find happiness

 

I think you're foolish. You don't know near enough about medication withdrawal to be saying any of this. If I didn't have these feelings before quitting benzos, how could they not be related to quitting medications? Your comments aren't useful or helpful. I've spoken with numerous people who got on other drugs and it did nothing to help them and now they're in for another withdrawal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spot on and you know your truth. No anxiety or depression causes such bizarre symptoms, they are actually symptoms too fgs. Plus you show your strength to stand up to bs gaslighting like this, and on a peer support group, it’s disgusting. This recovery of this  hell ‘can’ take a long time, and varies for each individual - fact! That’s where the fluffy type, gas lighters come from, or others who say it out of fear to invalidate you, because they’re  scared it might happen to them, when everyone’s journey is their own. This is not linear too, personally my symptoms didn’t kick in properly till over 6 months off, but that’s just my healing, and I know others similar, but we’re all different, apart from the end result of recovery, which again we cannot believe until it happens, Ian Singleton has told me that 100s of times, he took a long time to fully recover too, no underlying conditions. For the record I was told by someone Heather Ashton told personally; Una Corbett - sadly recently passed, who has supported 10,000s, for over 30 years,  including Baylissa Frederick, who again took a long time. Never had anxiety or depression ) that the thing she regretted not revisiting and updating, was her time frame guidelines, she said they’re wrong, obviously not for universally for everyone. Una was angry she said this and never revised, ‘her words’’. Some have no or much issue. I spoke with Una several times, and she never sugar coated this, but insisted everyone heals, that’s everyone, but some have a harder time, longer  than others, you can’t help that, nor can anyone. You get what you get. Just because you have a difficult WD does not mean you or anyone has underlying issues and anyone saying that, does not belong here,  or anywhere in this community. I’d listen to people like Una before a gaslighter or a Dr who lets face it, generally know nothing about this. So ignorant gaslighters who try to undermine you, really should just go get on with their lives if it’s that easy and stop judging what they don’t know. Sorry but this angers me and is not what people struggling need.

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The thing is I did have anxiety before all this but it was nothing like this. This is bizarre stuff that never seems to end.
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Here is the deal. You are on the internet taking others at their word.  No one truly knows what is going on. I can say that several  people have underlying depression/anxiety and panic disorder. With out treatment you are destroying you body. I don’t have time right time but I can provide studies behind panic disorder and all it’s reasons.

If you have something underlying then nothing is going to change for you going down this road. 180 days is the time frame doctors speak of as new cells and new balance of neurotransmitters happen.

The problem here is EVERYONE thanks they are in this long withdrawal. They think permanent damage is done, etc. it’s more that likely not. Plenty of research, not message boards will show you this. People have a hell lot worse happen and make full recover in 18 months to true brain damage.

What your going through is likely not repeated to benzos use in the past.

Your wasting a lot of time of having a quality of life. Look at this virus or any other thing that kill you at any moment.

Anytime I see these 2 years off not doing well post I just want to scream. Find a good doc and figure out the best course of action and give your life some quality. I didn’t it a week and am doing much better. I’m playing with my kids again, smiling. Etc. I don’t know how long I have left in life and I can’t go back and never have taken a drug. It’s time to make the best decision for you whatever that maybe for whatever situation your life is now. Best of luck. Hope you find happiness

 

I think you're foolish. You don't know near enough about medication withdrawal to be saying any of this. If I didn't have these feelings before quitting benzos, how could they not be related to quitting medications? Your comments aren't useful or helpful. I've spoken with numerous people who got on other drugs and it did nothing to help them and now they're in for another withdrawal.

 

Your missing the point. Some people have underlying issues. I have allelic polymorphism of the catechol-O-methyltransferase which is a cause of panic disorder.

That I know and could also mean other issues like low serotonin. If one thing is off then others are effected. In my situation most therapies provide some temp relief but the only way I’ve been able to live a normal life is when I’ve been on meds.

I’m not saying anyone should be on a benzo long term. I do believe rescue doses can be helpful for people like me but for some it won’t because they don’t have a discipline to just use it in that manner. If that’s the case then they should avoid completely.

The point of my post was that people shouldn’t rely on info from a message board of strangers to decide how move forward because the internet cannot tell them with a 100% certainty what is wrong with them.

I’ve seen numerous people comment about when they stay away from message forum they feel so much better.

Nothing I’ve said previously did I claim to be an expert but I’ve also told no lies. I’m not here to argue or tell one what they should do but its important to note that sometimes there is more going on behind the scenes then benzo use and I hate to see people waste years of quality of life and not getting the help they need while losing jobs, family, etc

 

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Something happened with the quote function so reposting

 

Your missing the point. Some people have underlying issues. I have allelic polymorphism of the catechol-O-methyltransferase which is a cause of panic disorder.

That I know and could also mean other issues like low serotonin. If one thing is off then others are effected. In my situation most therapies provide some temp relief but the only way I’ve been able to live a normal life is when I’ve been on meds.

I’m not saying anyone should be on a benzo long term. I do believe rescue doses can be helpful for people like me but for some it won’t because they don’t have a discipline to just use it in that manner. If that’s the case then they should avoid completely.

The point of my post was that people shouldn’t rely on info from a message board of strangers to decide how move forward because the internet cannot tell them with a 100% certainty what is wrong with them.

I’ve seen numerous people comment about when they stay away from message forum they feel so much better.

Nothing I’ve said previously did I claim to be an expert but I’ve also told no lies. I’m not here to argue or tell one what they should do but its important to note that sometimes there is more going on behind the scenes then benzo use and I hate to see people waste years of quality of life and not getting the help they need while losing jobs, family, etc

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I should also add that for people that have been on for awhile and want to taper and are looking for help, tips, support then this is a great place for that. I’m not trying to run down individuals or the site.

It’s the post withdrawal forum that people are telling others all there issues are benzo related and that is playing a dangerous game. For some it’s possible, but others are missing the help they need and that could have long term problems which could cause more permanent issues than benzos ever would

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