So poorly and defeated

[[De...]]

Hi Jen,

I have eayen alot of things and not much sensitivites. Make sure you are drinking fluids. I try to stick with water.  If I dont eat I feel worse.  Maybe oatmeal that is filling and healthy. You could put some fruit in it. Maybe you could snack on vegetables and nits through out the day to keep your blood sugar stable. Maybe dalad with chicken in it for protein. I know it is hard but you need to food. That is great you ate lambchops and vegetables. Its a start. You are healing and this too shall pass. Ly Suzy

 

[[ch...]]

+

Thank you so much Cant.  You are always so careful in your words or wisdom, that come from someone in a long battle through all the different drugs given to us.

 

I guess I am finding it hard after so many months of tapering from a relatively short term low dose use, and not only not getting any help at all from the drug, except for a few days at the beginning, It has been such a long bed bound agoraphobic  journey .

 

I was so active before and loved life,  I feel as if I have been hit by a drink driver and left to find a way to recover by myself.

I am really finding the increase in present symptoms so hard to deal with but really I could not have taken longer to get off this drug, in fact I should probably have stopped it many months back in my case as it has caused more and more damage. Of course we are all different, and we don't know these things till after the event.

 

My head pressure, ear fullness tinnitus and extra hearing loss is adding to my distress, I am not sure if that will improve but I am hoping it will. I keep wanting to turn my hearing aid up,  but it wont go higher.

 

I am so grateful for all the love and care I have been surrounded by on here, It is beyond words,

How could I even manage this time without all of you to help me through. I am oh so grateful

 

Here I am on day 7 after a short sleep. I keep hoping that I will be granted a window but not as yet. Maybe one will arrive for Christmas,  I wish my ears were not this bad. I am so used to being deaf and having tinnitus, but this is in a league of it's own, together with the numbness and raw soreness, 

 

It's a hard journey and so sad that this has happened to many of us.  I really do want some decent quality of life before my time here is over. Certainly I don't want a Doctor's prescribing to take all of the  time left to me.

 

Thank you Cant  for you thoughtful message

One week..!! -Well done..!!

-They all add up over time and =healing..!!

 

Try not to stress about your taper.. I remember reading your posts with an eye towards how you were managing with speed, and once you were comfortable with pushing on, You seemed to feel you were pushing your limits quite nicely.. The early days prior to that perhaps gave you that strength and confidence/understanding to persevere in the final leg...

I know I seem to forget the past pain pretty quick, so I often wonder if I could have done things differently, but its all water under the bridge in the end... -You made it off..!!

“Only” the final stage to go now, and that will become lots of little wins that sustain you through to healed, and beyond...

 

 

 

Thank you so much Cant.. such a lovely message, yes 7 days now. I do hope there are lots of little wins,  or even a great big win. I can dream , it might happen . Nothing surprises me about my brush with this drug.

 

It's been a very long journey and I am really tired I must admit, 

 

I could not have got this far without all the caring people here, 

 

Everyone has been amazing with ideas and advice, with  support and love

 

I am so grateful

 

Jen

[[ch...]]

Hi Jen,

I have eayen alot of things and not much sensitivites. Make sure you are drinking fluids. I try to stick with water.  If I dont eat I feel worse.  Maybe oatmeal that is filling and healthy. You could put some fruit in it. Maybe you could snack on vegetables and nits through out the day to keep your blood sugar stable. Maybe dalad with chicken in it for protein. I know it is hard but you need to food. That is great you ate lambchops and vegetables. Its a start. You are healing and this too shall pass. Ly Suzy

 

 

Thank you so much , That gives me an idea. I could make porridge for breakfast with some blueberries, I will have to find ways to get some food in me without fearing a reaction. 

 

Maybe a boiled egg after.

 

I am so glad of any ideas

 

Thank you  so much

[[Aj...]]

I just had a quick look using the search engine, and it says whey protein is high in glutamate,

 

Feels like drinking 10 Red bulls,  Oh dear I don't think I want to add glutamate at this time, 

 

I don't know how accurate this information is , I will have to check further

 

 

 

Thank you vali and Mary

 

So kind trying to help me

 

 

A lot of ppl take pea protein isolate and say it can help.

 

[[De...]]

Yes,

That is perfect. It is healthy and will keep you full. Eggs are good too. Lots of protein. It comfort food too so maybe it will relax you. I put blueberries and sometimes banannas and when I am bad I put in maple syrup and I am ok. Meyber even if you take a spoonful of peanut butter?  More protein. I get the fear of food too. But we have to eat. Our bodies need food to heal. Iys not like you eating junk food. I will try to come up with some more healthy ideas so you can build up strength. You are doing great!

[[va...]]

I fully agree with Dehytq on the food to eat, unless you find some of those foods are bad for you. Just because a food is bad for one person in bwd, it does not mean it's bad for everyone.

 

Jen good morning!! How has the night treated you? Have you gotten any sleep? Were you able to walk yesterday? Are you able to cancel the Christmas celebrations? I'm sure you'll find the strength to get through this. We're all rooting for you.

 

 

[[Tr...]]

Hi Jen, perhaps you could try different kinds of food and see how you respond to them. Not well?  Leave it for now. Well? Try to eat it more often and slowly increase the portion size. I suffer from IBS and it's really bad at the moment,  so I have a restricted diet: I take oatmeal twice a day. Meats are OK, milk is lactose free, bread is gluten free. The bread doesn't taste that great, but toasted it's fine. Brown rice and rice pasta. Carrots,  endive, Green beans, are the only veggies I can eat right now. You may have to experiment with food. But, like they all tell you, you have to eat.

Hope you feel some improvement every day.

[[ch...]]

Day 8  today and things are really getting to be unbearable.

 

I am not sure how to get through this,  but somehow I have to and for some time to come.

 

The fear and dread , that oh no  oh no, the worst has happened, the cliff hanging fear, is with me all the time  and the really strong tinnitus, fingers so numb, I feel so ill, and tired, Just trying to get through minute by minute

 

The worst are the doubts that this is all the valium, as I started valium because I was in a state

 

We all have pasts and might is strewn with mistakes, My own and the added problems of Doctor's treatments, 

 

sertraline for several weeks then  stopped by the Doctor , pregabalin for a week and stopped, then later mirtazapine for a week , twice on three months,  so that along with the valium is my mess,  Past alcohol stopped 5 years ago except for a two drinks the beginning of last year, almost 2 years back now.

 

All this is on my mind and I fear I cannot ever mend at 74, yet I fight each day to get there.

 

Early days yet I know, but how I hoped after my really difficult taper I would get a little reprieve,

 

Guess I am like many others who are hit hard,  just hoping something will ease a little or I will get a window .

 

What would I do without this wonderful place to help me through to gaining my mind and health back

 

Trying to eat but am struggling, I have had 2 boiled eggs and a banana,  I need the calories I know,

[[Tr...]]

Hello Jen, sorry to see you have to go through all this. My heart goes out to you. Here's a long distance hug! 

From reading many posts on BB I know you're one of the strong persons on here.

Many people including me have been on and off several meds,  but don't worry about that anymore. Your body is getting "cleaner" by the day!

You will make it. Stay strong! 

[[ch...]]

Thank you so much for replying.

I really am not feeling strong at the moment.

I worry, as probably others have too, that these symptoms are permanent, or that I have a serious condition,

I can do little more, especially at Christmas, as I have spoken with Doctor, who really could not say much except wait 2 weeks and see how you are,  regarding the numbness,  So many  things wrong though

I spoke to the psychiatrist who said she thought it all withdrawal,  and that there is a 6 month waiting list to see a neurologist.

It's early days I know and I was probably already going into the acute phase before I got to Zero, 

All I can do is walk, I am glad I can do that, as they exercise is good,

I have to try and stay positive as best I can but am feeling so alone with this right now, and oh so grateful to everyone here

People are so very kind, 

I truly am in tears right this moment as I would be lost without my friends here.  They give me the strength to keep going

The strength is not mine

 

Jen

[[Fi...]]

Thank you so much for replying.

I really am not feeling strong at the moment.

I worry, as probably others have too, that these symptoms are permanent, or that I have a serious condition,

I can do little more, especially at Christmas, as I have spoken with Doctor, who really could not say much except wait 2 weeks and see how you are,  regarding the numbness,  So many  things wrong though

I spoke to the psychiatrist who said she thought it all withdrawal,  and that there is a 6 month waiting list to see a neurologist.

It's early days I know and I was probably already going into the acute phase before I got to Zero, 

All I can do is walk, I am glad I can do that, as they exercise is good,

I have to try and stay positive as best I can but am feeling so alone with this right now, and oh so grateful to everyone here

People are so very kind, 

I truly am in tears right this moment as I would be lost without my friends here.  They give me the strength to keep going

The strength is not mine

 

Jen

 

Jen, you are an inspiration to us all! Praying for you to start sleeping and eating more so you can heal. 🙏🏻❤

[[ch...]]

Thank you so much for replying.

I really am not feeling strong at the moment.

I worry, as probably others have too, that these symptoms are permanent, or that I have a serious condition,

I can do little more, especially at Christmas, as I have spoken with Doctor, who really could not say much except wait 2 weeks and see how you are,  regarding the numbness,  So many  things wrong though

I spoke to the psychiatrist who said she thought it all withdrawal,  and that there is a 6 month waiting list to see a neurologist.

It's early days I know and I was probably already going into the acute phase before I got to Zero, 

All I can do is walk, I am glad I can do that, as they exercise is good,

I have to try and stay positive as best I can but am feeling so alone with this right now, and oh so grateful to everyone here

People are so very kind, 

I truly am in tears right this moment as I would be lost without my friends here.  They give me the strength to keep going

The strength is not mine

 

Jen

 

Jen, you are an inspiration to us all! Praying for you to start sleeping and eating more so you can heal. 🙏🏻❤

 

 

 

I am so glad of help today .I am really struggling so badly , almost walked myself into the ground,  I cannot seem to find relief at all , I am in danger of breaking my teeth I am biting so hard,  and the fear  and noise in my ears is beyond description,

 

I have no where to turn now, I find it hard to accept this is withdrawal and if it is I don't know that  I can do this any more

 

I so fear it's whatever was wrong with me and then withdrawal on top,

 

I used to drink  wine 5 years ago, but stopped as I realised I craved it on waking, so stopped but with difficulty, It took me about 3 weeks to recover . lots of dry heaving and anxiety  and foolishly  3 years on from then  I did have two drinks a year last Feb and March , could this  have been a trigger?  I don't know, or could it be the sertraline I took a couple of years ago and stopped CT after a few weeks by the Doctor, I really have no idea, It is all tormenting me, 

 

I feel as if I have toxic damage in my ears that were bad before any of this but I lived happily enough with,

and the numbness is really scaring me as it's so strong, I have no one to ask now, because there are no answers,

 

I feel so damaged.  I do hope I have not permanently damaged myself

 

Jen 

 

 

 

I guess I am panicking ,and adding to everything, but oh how I need  a way to bring this down so that  I can continue

[[va...]]

Jen what you describe is not drinking. I have been a much heavier drinker than that. I think  it's not an alcohol history serious enough to make much of a difference. I'm so sorry you're in such a rough place. I wish Eastcoast would chip in to give you her useful tips or someone else who's gone through this acute stage and got to the other side. I wish they could give you some tips to get through this like I know you will. Did you call Bristol tranquilizer project today? What do they say?

[[ch...]]

Thank you Vali,

Annie tries her best with me, I am not a very good student at the moment . I know I beat myself up a lot, but that is my brain trying to find reasons. I do and always have internalised hurt, I am your typical gentle soul and try not to  hurt others but hurt myself in process,

I really have to try and accept this is valium withdrawal. It happens that it's bad for me but I am doing the right thing to give my body the best chance,

I really do appreciate all that people do for me .

Just too much right now,

 

Jen

 

 

[[De...]]

Jen,

 

How are you today?

[[ch...]]

Thank you so much for asking, 

 

I had a really bad night with very little sleep, and today I have so many symptoms but they are stronger, I am shattered now and my brain keeps trying to shut down , then I jerk awake again, I really am so tired,

 

Just got to make it till evening and then an early night, that's if the deep inside feeling of dread and fear eases down too.

 

I really do need rest, to fight through this

 

I keep hoping each day I will feel a little better but I know it's very early days yet and likely to go worse still before better

 

You never know with this drug  just what will happen  . It all depends on if this little old lady can heal now.

 

I am taking it a minute at a time , 

 

 

[[De...]]

Oh Jen,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Now that you are off you body will heal. You are soo strong. Sometim3s that is what we have to do. Minute by minute.  I am like that too some dqys. Then at night a little relief comes. I wonder if you got the anxiety and fear down the sx would be less powerful.  You will heal Jen. I think of everything I have done and think omg what if I dont heal. I drank. Took antidepressants. But it is ok. We are going to get hetter. It is the benzo. Its a monster. You made it througj yesterday and you will make it today. Just think about getting through one day at a time. Just today. Ly Suzy. Maje sure yoy eat m Dr. Ashton says just eat a healthy diet. No need to go on overly strict diets.

[[es...]]

Jen, I totally, totally agree with everyone who has replied. This is all just withdrawal. You didn’t do anything to cause any of this. It just takes time to get better. It will get better, but don’t expect it to happen quickly. Yes, it could. But, it can take a while. You have to keep believing that and hang on. I am six months off and things are a little better, but I am far from ok. I don’t think I am alone in that. You have been through a lot, I know. But, you are well on your way. Don’t look back, don’t look forward, just do today. And then do tomorrow. That is how we survive this. We have to keep surviving until we can really Live again. And we will Live again, Jen. Christmas may be a little less than we hoped this year, but there will be another one next year, and the year after that. Eyes on prize! Espy

[[De...]]

Totally agree with Espy.

[[ch...]]

I will do my best. I am so tired tonight and all day but I have made the evening and if I am granted some calming down I will be able to read a little and turn off the light and sleep, instead of the toxic jerks, that  happen when I get no sleep.

 

I think the 200 hr half life will be just about up now on day 9, but of course as I am older it may take longer, as age means things are processed more slowly ,.

 

I imagine this is when things will get better in some ways in that I be freeing myself of the last of the toxins except what might be still stored somewhere,  but then my brain will have absolutely nothing to call on unless it can tap into any stored stuff, I wonder if what is acute is really a detox, which is never pleasant at the time but better afterwards.

 

I do think over the oddest things,

 

I will be so glad when I am able to go out and about again, to visit shops that I haven't seen in nearly 2 years,  I have to have hope,, I will try to visualise my body healing, This is the best chance I have, 

 

One minute at a time right now

 

Thank you for caring about me,

[[ch...]]

Jen, I totally, totally agree with everyone who has replied. This is all just withdrawal. You didn’t do anything to cause any of this. It just takes time to get better. It will get better, but don’t expect it to happen quickly. Yes, it could. But, it can take a while. You have to keep believing that and hang on. I am six months off and things are a little better, but I am far from ok. I don’t think I am alone in that. You have been through a lot, I know. But, you are well on your way. Don’t look back, don’t look forward, just do today. And then do tomorrow. That is how we survive this. We have to keep surviving until we can really Live again. And we will Live again, Jen. Christmas may be a little less than we hoped this year, but there will be another one next year, and the year after that. Eyes on prize! Espy

 

 

 

Thank you so much Espy, I am really so very tired tonight, and yes an eye on the prize . Now I should be clear of any drug and it's half life at day 9, 

 

I can hope that I mend quickly. I think my body will be grateful as  I have been ill from this drug since week 2 of it. just I didn't realise what was happening back then, and all the time on the drug I bar the first week it was making me more and more ill till it took my way of life from me.

 

Now I should be free considering the half life except for any stored somewhere

 

So who knows, I may get worse as there is nothing left now and into full acute time, or I may get better as I am at last free of what made me so ill

 

I will have to accept what comes but I can be hopeful

 

6 months seem to have flown by, and I am glad that at last you are feeling so improvements. This drug really brings optimism down, but seeing it in others really does help

 

Thank you Espy

 

Day 9 and counting

[[De...]]

You are funny Jen. Maybe that is what acute is. Getting out the toxins. Think about all the nice things you will do when you are better.  we will appreciate everything so much more. Thats for sure!! Lol. You are right you have to believe you are going to get better. Dont go down the rabbit hole with the what ifs...If you catch yourself..say NO! I am going to heal and this is the benzo.  This to shall pass! Somerhing along those lines. Ly Suzy

[[Ba...]]

Hi,

 

I'm really late to this party and I'm only half-way through my lorazepam taper. However, I thought I'd share an observation about my mom, who just turned 79.

 

She has gone on and off of antidepressants and xanax for anxiety several times over the past several years, without telling me about many of those times. Somewhere in there she was dxed with a-fib and a mini-stroke causing some vision changes and has had two heart procedures. I often wonder if she wasn't in a state of protracted withdrawal or kindling. But I didn't know the full story, so I couldn't advise her (not that she would listen to me.)

 

During the tapers that I knew about I would caution her that she was going too fast, but she is stubborn and doesn't consult with people. There were times when she would text me about how she felt terrified about this or that situation, or statements such as "I'll never be well again."

 

This is all to say that in spite of everything I just related, she is doing fine now. She even bounced back from several weeks of a bronchial infection earlier this fall. She eats normally, she can drive again, goes out and about, socializes with friends, reads, listens to music, does a few hobbies and more or less seems like her usual self. She's doing better than I am!

 

There was no permanent damage of any kind to her brain or nerves, except for some residual vision disturbances that are improving slowly. All of this *feels* like injury/damage because everything hurts or acts up in some bizarre way.

 

When I feel like I have been permanently altered, I read the post by Parker at the top of this board. I think it is very helpful to read that patients who have actual structurally damaged nerves from stroke or accident or surgery go on to heal to varying degrees.

 

I think you have many days of being re-introduced to yourself ahead of you. Your brain and body will now be certain that you do what you have to do to get better. They will say, "It's okay, we're safe with her." I think that will take out a big chunk of whatever anxiety you had in the first place.

 

Btw, I was looking at your username. My grandma used to do a game of touching my face that went "Forebumper, eye winker, Tom tinker, nose smeller, mouth eater, chin chucker" and then she would tickle my neck and make me giggle. I haven't thought of that in eons!

[[Ma...]]

Hi,

 

I'm really late to this party and I'm only half-way through my lorazepam taper. However, I thought I'd share an observation about my mom, who just turned 79.

 

She has gone on and off of antidepressants and xanax for anxiety several times over the past several years, without telling me about many of those times. Somewhere in there she was dxed with a-fib and a mini-stroke causing some vision changes and has had two heart procedures. I often wonder if she wasn't in a state of protracted withdrawal or kindling. But I didn't know the full story, so I couldn't advise her (not that she would listen to me.)

 

During the tapers that I knew about I would caution her that she was going too fast, but she is stubborn and doesn't consult with people. There were times when she would text me about how she felt terrified about this or that situation, or statements such as "I'll never be well again."

 

This is all to say that in spite of everything I just related, she is doing fine now. She even bounced back from several weeks of a bronchial infection earlier this fall. She eats normally, she can drive again, goes out and about, socializes with friends, reads, listens to music, does a few hobbies and more or less seems like her usual self. She's doing better than I am!

 

There was no permanent damage of any kind to her brain or nerves, except for some residual vision disturbances that are improving slowly. All of this *feels* like injury/damage because everything hurts or acts up in some bizarre way.

 

When I feel like I have been permanently altered, I read the post by Parker at the top of this board. I think it is very helpful to read that patients who have actual structurally damaged nerves from stroke or accident or surgery go on to heal to varying degrees.

 

I think you have many days of being re-introduced to yourself ahead of you. Your brain and body will now be certain that you do what you have to do to get better. They will say, "It's okay, we're safe with her." I think that will take out a big chunk of whatever anxiety you had in the first place.

 

Btw, I was looking at your username. My grandma used to do a game of touching my face that went "Forebumper, eye winker, Tom tinker, nose smeller, mouth eater, chin chucker" and then she would tickle my neck and make me giggle. I haven't thought of that in eons!

 

Baroness, that was just a great post, so glad you found the party .  Very happy your mom is doing so well.  Hope your taper goes well also.  Thanks so much for that uplifting post.  :smitten:

Mary

 

 

[[De...]]

I thought so too!