So poorly and defeated

[[de...]]

Me too. 

 

Dee x

[[ch...]]

Wow I  was away for a while and what amazing posts,  Oh thank you so much to all of you ,  And yes I feel so very honoured that you care and surround me with love and positive thoughts, 

 

Just so inspiring. I need that to keep going,  Each day is one day closer to being free and well,

 

No one could ask more for Christmas than to be well and loved 

 

I may not be that old after all ?

 

Jen

 

 

Jen

[[De...]]

You go.girl 

[[Ca...]]

...Flying visit, -one thread and a cuppa (then off to Drs)..

 

Strength to you Jen... Some great posts/support here.. -Goes well with the great effort you put in too..!!

Your surviving on trust now... Its so hard until you experience that first bit of real healing, -a good window, if you will...

While I didnt get clear windows as such, just to wake with the “freshness”, -to see some real me for a moment, was enough...

Trust away, till you have your “day”...

 

Wishing you the best quiet Christmas we can have...

 

 

[[ch...]]

...Flying visit, -one thread and a cuppa (then off to Drs)..

 

Strength to you Jen... Some great posts/support here.. -Goes well with the great effort you put in too..!!

Your surviving on trust now... Its so hard until you experience that first bit of real healing, -a good window, if you will...

While I didnt get clear windows as such, just to wake with the “freshness”, -to see some real me for a moment, was enough...

Trust away, till you have your “day”...

 

Wishing you the best quiet Christmas we can have...

 

 

Thank you Cant.

 

Today is day 10 and as you say. I am flying on trust.

 

Each day is one day closer to being me, The me that got lost somewhere.

 

My internet went down last night so that I could not respond properly to messages, but I am so grateful to everyone

for their love and support,  there are some great posts as you say.

 

Christmas Eve and a day I used to love,  A day when preparations are complete and people are still being kind to each other,

 

May it be special again for all of us and throughout the whole of year.

 

Jen

 

 

 

 

 

[[Tr...]]

Hi Jen, nice to see you're back on line. Where would we be without the Internet...

 

Hope you had a decent sleep.

 

I really like the way you describe the "real me" being lost somewhere along the way. I guess most of us are feeling exactly like that.

Last week I told my psychologist: " This isn't who I am, this is not the old me". How we all want to find ourselves and our life back.

 

As you say, it's day 10 and the poison is getting less and less power over you! Every day is a day closer towards healing.

 

 

Wishing you a symptom free Christmas!  X

[[ch...]]

Hi Jen, nice to see you're back on line. Where would we be without the Internet...

 

Hope you had a decent sleep.

 

I really like the way you describe the "real me" being lost somewhere along the way. I guess most of us are feeling exactly like that.

Last week I told my psychologist: " This isn't who I am, this is not the old me". How we all want to find ourselves and our life back.

 

 

 

 

 

I do hope we are all granted peace at Christmas, 

 

I get so tired of the Fight or flight without a cause.

 

Now it's just time and getting through the days .

 

I am so blessed to have such wonderful support here,  ,

 

Beyond words grateful .

 

Love and peace

 

Jen

 

 

Wishing you a symptom free Christmas!  X

 

 

 

[[de...]]

Love and Peace, Jen. 

 

Don't buy into it.

 

It seriously gets better.  It picks up pace the longer you/we are off.  Or so it seems to me.  Brief interludes, that's all.  All that terror, gone.  I have memories of it, but it no longer frightens me, nor fills me with fear.  'Fear', really doesn't go to describe it does it?

 

Lots of introspection.  About time.  Finally. 

 

Just stay the course Jen.  It can only get better from here. 

 

Don't buy into it.  🍓

 

Dee

 

 

 

 

[[ch...]]

Love and Peace, Jen. 

 

Don't buy into it.

 

It seriously gets better.  It picks up pace the longer you/we are off.  Or so it seems to me.  Brief interludes, that's all.  All that terror, gone.  I have memories of it, but it no longer frightens me, nor fills me with fear.  'Fear', really doesn't go to describe it does it?

 

Lots of introspection.  About time.  Finally. 

 

Just stay the course Jen.  It can only get better from here. 

 

Don't buy into it.  🍓

 

Dee

 

 

 

Thank you so much Dee, 

 

Your encouragement means a lot to me,  I know you have been in the place I am in now and at last you are feeling recovery.

 

I really had hoped with my long taper it would make the landing a little less bumpy, but seems not. 

 

It reassures me a little to know that what I am going through is what it's like but the terror can and does ease off.

 

I do torment myself endlessly that maybe it's the AD's in the past, to which I now react extremely badly to.

 

Or the  wine a drank in my past, 5 years ago now, but still there in my head,  and endlessly blame myself for the two drinks I had almost 2 years ago before the valium,  I feel as if all together it created the perfect storm.

 

Oh to have a window, a day without this terror going on,  You are right, there are no words for it  really.

 

I wonder how many have this fear ,dread and terror every day from early morning into to evening,?

 

Probably a lot,  guess I have been worn down by the many months of it through my taper.

 

I will be so glad when it lifts, 

 

Did you get any let up at all Dee and if so when.  I know we are all different ,but I do want some hope today on day 13 off  valium

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[de...]]

See another of my posts Jen. 

 

It took over 2 months post for me to start feeling respite and that recovery was indeed possible. 

 

I definitely wasn't 'recovered' by any stretch of the imagination, but I could see light and possibility on the horizon. 

 

Things are continuing to improve at 10 months Jen.  I don't know how I will continue to proceed but I'm happy with my progress. 

 

Dee

 

 

 

[[ch...]]

It really is good to hear positives Dee. 

 

All our journey's are different I know, but so many have to get through the post taper acute and that it  does get better needs to be heard. 

 

I think because I have struggled so much through tapering from a position of the drug never really helping, it has taken so much of my strength already and my reserves are low for this stage.

 

I had hoped it would not get worse as I tapered to zero, but for me it has, that doesn't mean it will for everyone, but I have had an bad reaction so cannot really expect otherwise

 

I really hope sleep finds me tonight as it's so important especially when older, I wish I could do a catch up in the day but it doesn't work that way. . I had hoped the exercise would bring me some sleep but it seems not,  Just my body adjusting back will bring that, 

 

At them moment I guess there is a lot of turmoil going on.

 

Thank you Dee

 

jen

 

[[va...]]

Jen I also hope you get a little bit of sleep tonight. What are you doing for distraction? TV with subtitles? Any games on the phone? Have you tried the game section here on BBs? You play games to distract and at the same time you feel less lonely. In summer you know I was in very bad shape and I watched documentaries about the romans, by a historian called Mary Wright. They somehow got me through the nights, alternating with YouTube videos of Baylissa, neighbor Bob, benzo warrior.

[[ch...]]

Jen I also hope you get a little bit of sleep tonight. What are you doing for distraction? TV with subtitles? Any games on the phone? Have you tried the game section here on BBs? You play games to distract and at the same time you feel less lonely. In summer you know I was in very bad shape and I watched documentaries about the romans, by a historian called Mary Wright. They somehow got me through the nights, alternating with YouTube videos of Baylissa, neighbor Bob, benzo warrior.

 

 

Thank you so much for all you care . I really do wish I could distract, but for some reason when this restlessness is so bad and the panic terror fear is  racing all day I can do nothing but walk and walk but I am shattered .

 

I do hope it eases down  yet I know it's early days for that at 15 days off,  I truly don't understand why it's so severe, or why my hands and face are really numb, and the tinnitus is a nightmare

 

You are so caring , thank you

 

 

Jen

[[De...]]

Jen, you are doing so good. You are so strong.  I hate that reslessnes! It is awful. It will slow down. Can you relax anywere? Is there a place in the house you feel.comfortable? Sometimes my room is the only place i can relax. No idea why. I turn on the fan and sit on my heating pad and watch videos. Find things you are interested in. Things you like to do. I have been watching utube. Anything. As long as it doesnt trigger you. I hope you are eating and sleeping. I hope this settles soon. Sending love and healing thoughts. You are healing.

[[ch...]]

Jen... ❤️

 

You have to keep going, acute is brutal, relentless and seems to throw in a ton of new unexpected surprises too. I know you can get through this. Here cheering you on.. 🙌🏻

 

Thank you for  your message my friend

 

You are so right it is brutal and relentless,  The symptoms I have had have been magnified and new ones added.

 

I wish there was a way to escape from yourself but there isn't,  I walk and walk but there is a limit, and I cannot eat much  nor sleep much either so I really have to watch how much I do  It seems to be the only distraction at the moment, apart from being amongst friends on here, 

 

I don't know if it will get worse or get , day by day, that's the real dilemma with this drug, but in the end it has to be we get better

[[ch...]]

Jen, you are doing so good. You are so strong.  I hate that reslessnes! It is awful. It will slow down. Can you relax anywere? Is there a place in the house you feel.comfortable? Sometimes my room is the only place i can relax. No idea why. I turn on the fan and sit on my heating pad and watch videos. Find things you are interested in. Things you like to do. I have been watching utube. Anything. As long as it doesnt trigger you. I hope you are eating and sleeping. I hope this settles soon. Sending love and healing thoughts. You are healing.

 

 

Thank you for your message .It's kind of you to send one over here in post taper.

 

I really don't feel strong but  what can I do, I have to keep going and believe each day I am one day closer to my body sorting this mess out.

 

I don't know yet if it will get any worse or if this is the limit, but I really do hope that it doesn't and that slowly things will begin to ease down, Nothing is predictable, 

 

It really is hard for those around us it understand this and Christmas has been a real trial by fire, with the agitation, and my hearing gone, , I wish my fingers would return so that I can do something with my hands to distract, 

 

Maybe tomorrow they will , Maybe next week or next  year , well it's not too far away is it?

 

thank you

[[De...]]

Aww Jen,

 

I am so sorry  you have had to go through this. Nobody does understand. Only ppl who have been thru get it. I hope tomorrow is a better day. I am praying it will start easing up soon for you. This whole thing is crazy. You can do this. You are and you are going to get better. We are here for you. Your right next year is not to far away...lol

[[ch...]]

Aww Jen,

 

I am so sorry  you have had to go through this. Nobody does understand. Only ppl who have been thru get it. I hope tomorrow is a better day. I am praying it will start easing up soon for you. This whole thing is crazy. You can do this. You are and you are going to get better. We are here for you. Your right next year is not to far away...lol

 

 

All we can do is keep moving forward and wait for our bodies to sort it. It's so hard to accept that, 

 

But who knows tomorrow a shiny window might open, and it may never close,  I can hope at least.

 

Thank you so much for your support, 

 

I do hope I progress and then be better able to help others, Early days but ever hopeful

 

Jne

[[va...]]

Jen, you see? People are here rooting for you exactly the same. It doesn't make any difference in what section of the boards your thread is. The people who are supporting you are already following this thread. Hoping you get a little bit of sleep tonight.

[[ch...]]

Jen, you see? People are here rooting for you exactly the same. It doesn't make any difference in what section of the boards your thread is. The people who are supporting you are already following this thread. Hoping you get a little bit of sleep tonight.

 

Thank you so much Vali. 

 

I am so grateful . I feel very raw at this time, not knowing if things will get worse or not,, ,or maybe even get better, Yes I will try to think better,  At the moment I am counting days off but it time it will be weeks off,  and then maybe with time I will feeling recovery, Oh how special that will be , for life to be as Espy says in her thread,  "Ordinary" .

 

Lot of extra numbness tonight I an dripping with sweat, yet icy face and hands and feet,  Oh well this is my reality for the moment but not for ever

 

Thank you so much for your support

[[va...]]

Jen, you see? People are here rooting for you exactly the same. It doesn't make any difference in what section of the boards your thread is. The people who are supporting you are already following this thread. Hoping you get a little bit of sleep tonight.

 

Thank you so much Vali. 

 

I am so grateful . I feel very raw at this time, not knowing if things will get worse or not,, ,or maybe even get better, Yes I will try to think better,  At the moment I am counting days off but it time it will be weeks off,  and then maybe with time I will feeling recovery, Oh how special that will be , for life to be as Espy says in her thread,  "Ordinary" .

 

Lot of extra numbness tonight I an dripping with sweat, yet icy face and hands and feet,  Oh well this is my reality for the moment but not for ever

 

Thank you so much for your support

 

I'm so glad you've seen that the thread is exactly the same and will be followed by the same people wherever it goes. I hope you get a little sleep tonight. And anyway there are plenty of people from over the pond still awake for a few more hours.

[[Bl...]]

Jen, you see? People are here rooting for you exactly the same. It doesn't make any difference in what section of the boards your thread is. The people who are supporting you are already following this thread. Hoping you get a little bit of sleep tonight.

Nicely said Vali!❤ We are here and thinking of you!!! My friend, just keep taking things as they come. I totally get the people around us not understanding!  This has been such an up and down process, with symptoms just popping up out of nowhere!  We just have to keep up the fight, no matter how long it takes! 

Happy New Year everyone! ❤

[[ch...]]

Thank you for your kind message

 

May the new  year be a better one for everyone,

 

 

Jen

[[Tr...]]

Dear Jen,

 

Wishing you a speedy recovery and more of your life returning every day.

 

Less pain, more joy, less fear, more smiles, more of "you" and less of "this".

 

Happy New Year! 

[[Ba...]]

Congratulations you are off! 

 

I have lost Espy's thread... I lose everything.

 

Anyhow cme upon yours and see you list 00... tht is great.