Wife Doesn't Want me to Talk About Symptoms Anymore

[[bo...]]

I've done pretty well at not talking about it for the past two nights, even though I still don't feel much better. Stuckinaruttagain, your remark about learning to love your bedroom again resonates with me. For me, it's not just my bedroom but my whole house. I sincerely hope that when I start feeling better, I can get to like my house again. I hope I don't have PTSD associated with it. Anyway, thanks for all the support on this thread. Have people found that not talking about it helps them at all? Have people taken breaks from this forum so as to not talk about it as much?

[[Br...]]

I found great benefit by talking about my symptoms with my wife. Remember that this does not last forever as it is just another withdrawal symptom.

 

I rarely mention it anymore.

 

I do find that sometimes I need to take a break from the forum; it can get overwhelming at times.

 

Take care.

[[so...]]

Hi everyone,

 

My recovery supporter went through withdrawal 35 years ago and in 2010 she supported her husband through it, along with 9 other women on the phone and hundreds of others through PMs.  As a supporter she told me that we in recovery aren’t the only ones who are suffering.  When her husband got sick in 2010, she completely lost her life too.  She could not leave him alone due to his impulses for self harm and his inability to care for himself.  She cared for him 24/7 for six years, cooking every meal, baking fresh bread daily due to his sensitivities, doing all the housework by herself, trying to get him out to take walks, talking about withdrawal constantly with him, trying to encourage him every minute of each day for six years.  She missed her sister’s funeral; she did not celebrate any holidays; she never went out to dinner or on vacations...she basically gave up her life for her husband.

 

We are consumed by this recovery.  It’s all we think about...we are turned inward and it’s all about US.  At some point, we need to think about what our recovery has done to our loved ones.  What our recovery has taken from them.  We lament that these drugs have destroyed our lives, but we forget that they have destroyed our loved ones’ lives too. 

 

There is only one person who can prevent their suffering (or at least minimize it)—YOU.  You can choose to reduce the impact of these drugs on loved ones—people who didn’t take these drugs, people who are innocent.  This recovery process can teach us many things.  One is selflessness.  Protect your loved ones.  They shouldn’t suffer for our mistakes.

 

Sofa

[[bo...]]

Thank you, sofa. That was an awesome post and the first part of it rings true for me on many levels. My wife basically didn't leave the house this summer because of the horrible thoughts of self-harm and the moments of psychosis and other benzo thoughts. Rest assured, I did not have monophobia before all this. I was always happy for my wife to take our daughter and stay a night at her mom's because it gave me some time to myself. Also, I didn't mind taking care of our daughter alone when needed. I truly hope these thoughts don't go on for six straight years. If the thoughts lessened and the insomnia lessened, I would be more or less improved or better.

 

It's true. This withdrawal process makes us completely self-centered. I was already a little to begin with so this process hasn't helped that. I need to keep considering my wife and how much of this she can handle. I will try to keep my talking about this to a minimum at home for a few weeks and see if it helps not only her but me too.

[[Br...]]

I guess we need to strike a balance between the following:

 

1. Our impulse to talk about our experiences

 

2. The therapeutic value of talking about and discussing our experiences

 

3. The ability of friends and loved ones to absorb the information

 

4. The ability of friends and loved ones to contribute any meaningful assistance to us

 

It is a difficult problem for everyone.

 

Take care.

 

 

[[Ma...]]

I can relate!! My BF has been very supportive, has taken me to ALL sorts of dr's etc.. but when soo much has happened, I just can"t stop talking about it anymore. I've noticed him beginning to stop listening to me and acting like it's not a thing.. He plans nights out for us with friends n social activities that are soo difficult for me because of the current onset of extreme social anxiety and physical pain. He wants me to just pretend that nothing is wrong with me because the dr''s all say so. I have never felt anything has ever been more wrong with me  

I have been off of Klonopin for 5 months now, after 5 years. I self tapered.. apparently too quickly. I  feel that i used to be quite attractive.. n now I look as though I have aged at least 10 years during these past few months. He is still very good to me, as he compliment me often and seems to love me the same, and I feel blessed in this way, but it's as though he is always looking at the me before all of this, acting as though we can do everything we used to do.. I believe that in some ways he is trying so hard to be kind..  but it also feel that he is just not accepting this..

I wish you many blessings of healing.. There are those out here, who do understand in this way.   

[[mo...]]

Hi. I understand how you feel about talking about symptoms so much. I worry about driving my husband away and I worry that he will get interested in another woman at work who is sharp-minded and cheerful. I have started writing in a journal about how I'm feeling. It does serve as way to process whatever symptom I'm engulfed in. Sometimes when my husband asks how I feel I will read a day or two to him. It's still talking about symptoms, but I also write down my gratitude and love that I may have throughout the day. I DO try to limit how much I "complain" and I guess I'm glad he has a fulfilling career (even though I have terrible envy at times) because he gets a break from me and can come home refreshed (a lot of the time). I make a point to ask him to talk about his day even though it hurts; the contrast of our days so terribly stark...

[[ca...]]

This is a very real challenge in relationships. The bottom line is that only those who have gone through or are going through this understand your pain. As many have said, their wife,husband,girlfriend,boyfriend try to understand but eventually they get tired of hearing about what you are going through. We are tired of going through this! The "snap out of it " mentality sets me off! I have forced myself through panic attacks while trying to keep it together because nobody wants to deal with my problem. Things have calmed down quite a bit but it still is not easy. I've been tempted to ask a doctor to stick their finger in a light socket to get some idea what this feels like!

[[Gw...]]

My husband probably gets tired of hearing me talk about it, but he's been too kind to say so yet. It sounds like you've decided to try to give your wife a break for a couple of weeks, and I'm sure she'll appreciate it. That said, it is incredibly helpful to have someone to talk to - have you tried setting ground rules? A time limit is one idea that you mentioned, but what if for every time it does come up you also try to say something positive? It might feel a little forced, but it's a good habit to get into and there is power in hearing yourself say something out loud. Sorry you're still having a rough time, boomboxboy. I believe that it will pass.

 

Gwinna

[[bo...]]

Thanks, everyone. I think setting a time limit would be the best possible solution. It's tough because by the time our daughter is in bed and we have time to talk about things, I usually feel the best then right before bed. Usually, I don't want to talk about it then. I usually want to talk about it during the tough moments like in the mornings and when I get home from work.

 

I have such a hard time deciphering whether the depression and horrible thoughts and anhedonia and lack of emotions are from withdrawal still or life circumstances. It's just another thing I want to keep asking my wife about. I ask her questions like what was I like before all this? Was I crying all the time? Did I have interests? I asked my wife what I was always talking about or obsessed with before this and she said our financial situation (money) and my friends. I don't talk about either of those things much anymore.

[[St...]]

Hey Boomboxboy,

May I suggest you start a gratitude journal.

I know it sounds weird but it really helps.

Then maybe once in a while let your wife have a peek and let her see that you are so grateful for her support.

Watch some you tube post by a guy named Emmons. Really good stuff and amazing how just gratitude can help heal us!

Start with just 3-4 a day and then expand it out some as you feel better.

I also was taught to hold a pencil in my mouth at various times as this uses the muscles for smiling and causes our brain to respond.

Just some suggestions.

[[bo...]]

I will look into the gratitude journal for sure. Can tactics like gratitude journals, writing affirmations, writing about things that went well that day, etc. help during withdrawal? Can we actually teach the brain to start thinking differently during this process? Can we rewire things? I watch shows every night to try and make myself laugh. Sometimes, I even laugh out loud but I notice no difference the following day in the depression/low mood.

[[Fr...]]

So sorry to hear that....my husband has been a God send through this process and I couldn’t do it without him. Support is needed especially on the hard days. In the beginning, I talked about my symptoms all the time because I was new to it and didn’t know what was head. I have experienced the symptoms now for a few months and can tell if it warrants me to say something or if I should make him aware.

 

I have a scale on how severe my symptoms are from 1-10 and I have a daily log to record them. It tells me that I healing as time goes by. I am in Week 22 and only have small bad waves but my life is pretty much back to normal. 😊 I own a business and still run it, I have traveled by plane twice during withdrawal, and took a course for a certification.

 

You have to have something to distract otherwise the symptoms will magnify and put you in panic mode. Don’t allow this to beat you. 💪🏽

[[bo...]]

Thanks. I have lost all my emotions during this process and things that used to be fun for me that I could use to distract just don't interest me at all anymore. Is being obsessed with the condition helping to keep the symptoms alive or is it the other way around? Are the symptoms making me obsessed?

 

Freedom1984, glad to hear you are doing better after 22 weeks. I don't think I'm getting any worse, that's for sure. I have noticed some slight improvements. But the depression/low mood/anhedonia/dark thoughts have been with me since early June, if not the entire 8.5 months. Some days I do better with acceptance and other days, when the thoughts get really strong, I struggle and get really scared and panic.

[[Ja...]]

I will look into the gratitude journal for sure. Can tactics like gratitude journals, writing affirmations, writing about things that went well that day, etc. help during withdrawal? Can we actually teach the brain to start thinking differently during this process? Can we rewire things? I watch shows every night to try and make myself laugh. Sometimes, I even laugh out loud but I notice no difference the following day in the depression/low mood.

 

Yes!

Sometimes going through the motions, of expressing that we are genuinely grateful for what is in front of us, does help us to connect!

 

I think, when the painful stuff becomes too much of a burden, (or simply cumbersome), for those who love us to bear, that a journal can be a wonderful outlet, for both good & bad stuff.  I still can’t bring myself to read those words that I wrote during my darkest moments... (maybe I’ll burn them as effigies, once I am confident that I am on the other side, lol...) - getting those words out is cathartic and necessary, even if no one hears them.

 

... being grateful that someone was walking with me ... that is something, even if they didn’t always want to hear all my gory details on any given day.  Holding my hand is very different from carrying me.

 

——-

 

About making yourself go through the motions :

 

Laughing at an inanimate thing, because we should - is very different from laughing at, say ... the funniest thing in the world to the living being in front of us ... don’t bother if it’s not part of something that matters to you, that might not reciprocate in kind - those connections, (that can reciprocate), are what matter.

 

Start small. Put something positive out there, even if it is going through the motions.  More often than not, something positive will be returned.

 

——

 

This stuff - it’s hard for us.  Those who happen to love us are likely doing their best too.

I’m sorry if this is all too touchy-feely ... it’s just that these little shifts in mindset can really change how we see things, and a domino effect happens ...

[[St...]]

Remember, we didn't get this way overnight and it won't go away fast either.

Its a long, long road with a reward at the end.

It going to take a lot of little things adding up to beat this hold on our brains.

Add some humor, write down what your grateful for, get some exercise, share your thougths with a friend outside the family...

Its these things that start adding up.

I found that watching Big Bang theory blooper reels on YouTube can make me laugh.

Laughing helps release those endorphins we need so badly.

Hang in there!

You, we,I are going to get better.

[[Br...]]

Remember, we didn't get this way overnight and it won't go away fast either.

Its a long, long road with a reward at the end.

It going to take a lot of little things adding up to beat this hold on our brains.

Add some humor, write down what your grateful for, get some exercise, share your thougths with a friend outside the family...

Its these things that start adding up.

I found that watching Big Bang theory blooper reels on YouTube can make me laugh.

Laughing helps release those endorphins we need so badly.

Hang in there!

You, we,I are going to get better.

 

 

So true. Love it. Great post.

 

Take care.

[[Li...]]

The best thing for you to do is see a good psychologist and not a psychiatrist.  The psychologist will talk to you and it may give your wife a break.  The recovery process is so long for benzos that it can destroy any relationship because it can take years.  I don't talk to my wife about it anymore and this has really helped my marriage.  I realized that I had pushed my wife to the breaking point because I was constantly talking about the same thing over and over again but there is nothing they can do to help you and they really don't understand what you are going through.  I recommend a psychologist over a psychiatrist because I have gone to both but I left the psychiatrist with a perscription for two new benzos and an antidepressent.  This is what he recommended to help me withdraw from Xanax.  Not the right advise and I didn't fill them. 

[[Sa...]]

I’ve avoided talking about symptoms most weeks.  My husband knows it’s going to be a long year or two or  

 

I hope this thread is revisited.

 

SaraSue 

[[bo...]]

Hey, Sara. I can't believe it's been four months since I wrote the initial post. Sadly, I don't feel a whole lot better. Symptoms have definitely morphed to some extent. The only real positive is that I'm sleeping better now.

 

At this point, I am feeling a lot of fear about going home because of how badly I feel around my wife and daughter. It's a mix of intrusive thoughts, anger, no interest in anything at home. And as a result, I still feel depression all the time at home. I try not to talk to my wife a ton about it, but it's still really hard when you are so uncomfortable at home all the time. What do you do when you feel uncomfortable with your daughter, even when your wife is around? And everything, even stuff that isn't a big deal, makes you angry. I really have anger for no reason. I still feel like I've been lobotomized. Just no personality and no ability to talk about anything with anyone.

[[Sa...]]

Boom,

 

I’m in month 4 and symptoms are wild and raging.  Maybe things will get easier for you with your wife and daughter quickly.  My husband still works, takes an afternoon or day off weekly to be at home with me.  I’m comforted knowing he’s at home.  He stays busy in the yard, cooking, grilling, cleaning so that makes it easier for both of us.  When I talk about sxs he says he doesn’t know what to do for me, so I’m trying to not bring them up.  Staying positive is difficult.

 

We are healing.

 

SaraSue 

[Guest [Lu...]]

My poor mom has endured hundreds of whining sessions from me, shes been an absolute saint about it, but even the people closest to me are really getting tired of it, im a broken record, this never seems to end. some symptoms have lessened, i dont feel "poisoned" the way i used to, but im still crippled pretty much from this. toxic mornings etc...

 

and i cant help venting about it - but lately i feel like i really have to suck it up and just quietly get through it.

god its hard. everyone else in the world with this level of distress has help and understanding, and we have to watch what we say while going through torture...

god 4 years ago,.....never in my wildest dreams did i imagine any situation could be like this, geezus if i knew what i was in for....

 

its hard keeping silent on it, i can imagine around your family there, symptoms raging and youre trying to hold it together. its so all consuming

 

 

[[ke...]]

Hey, Sara. I can't believe it's been four months since I wrote the initial post. Sadly, I don't feel a whole lot better. Symptoms have definitely morphed to some extent. The only real positive is that I'm sleeping better now.

 

At this point, I am feeling a lot of fear about going home because of how badly I feel around my wife and daughter. It's a mix of intrusive thoughts, anger, no interest in anything at home. And as a result, I still feel depression all the time at home. I try not to talk to my wife a ton about it, but it's still really hard when you are so uncomfortable at home all the time. What do you do when you feel uncomfortable with your daughter, even when your wife is around? And everything, even stuff that isn't a big deal, makes you angry. I really have anger for no reason. I still feel like I've been lobotomized. Just no personality and no ability to talk about anything with anyone.

 

Sounds like some depressive symptoms. An AD might perk you up and make you feel more connected. Just a bridge not a permanent thing. Cognitive therapy may also help.

[[bo...]]

Keagan, did you take one? Are you better now?

[[Do...]]

Great subject.  I am into my 5th month and have struggled with accepting the fact that not only does my family not understand, the medical community has turned it's back. This w/d is not happening?  It's tough to accept that no one is going to give me the understanding, pats on the back or a sympathetic ear.  A family member of mine is going thru a serious medical issue but is overcoming.  She is surrounded with a great medical team and strong family support. She knows what disease she is fighting.  She too is a warrior but not on the level all of us are.  We do it by hanging on every minute believing it is going to get better.  We often don't even know what "IT" even is.  We don't know how long we must endure.  We don't have a picture of our brains explaining what has been damaged.  We have each other, the little science that is out there and most importantly....we have ourselves. 

Luke, you pointed out how hard it is to get through routine interactions while in a panic or whatever ugly sxs we may be experiencing.  Nobody but you knows.  You are a warrior ever time you get thru it.  I celebrate every time I get thru the store, cook/eat, drive a little, interact with people ect..  I do it loud and by myself.  Even when I totally screw it up, I pat myself on the back that I showed up and did the best I could in the moment.  We are warriors like I have never known before.  There Ya go!  Keep up the fight.