Took My Last V Crumb Today - Already Healing!

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Hi Guys..

Gwinna, great to read your progressing well...!!

Similar to myself, I guess,- Better in leaps n bounds, but not without some issues that pop up... These little pills have hooks..!!

I am just back from camping at Fraser Island here in Oz... It sure was great to be at the beach..!!

Keep hold of life with both hands, Your doing great..!!

 

Hi Cantfly, well, well, well.......Fraser Island, how perfect!! Paradise  I remember the days when nobody knew where it was (ah the serenity  )  Glad your doing so well, & thanks for letting us know. It really helps to know people do actually escape  Harmonee

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Love love love the continued support in these replies! 

 

Harmonee and Cantfly, I'm so glad to hear that you're both doing well.

 

Cantfly you are so right about those hooks...I'm home from work today after not sleeping last night. I think I pushed myself too hard - might have been all the extra exercise I'm getting, or the cup of coffee I managed to finish, or the takeout I let myself eat...who knows? Pretty sure this is what they mean about the sensitive phase; as long as I go easy I manage, but I still have to be careful and stay on top of my health. That's so great you are camping again!

 

Harmonee, to answer your question about my taper length: I didn't go at Ashton's recommended pace, but the schedule my NP wrote worked for me and I can tell I was healing on the way down.

 

Magnesi and Jlavogt, thanks for the encouragement!

 

Hang in there, everybody! It gets better!

Gwinna

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Figured I'd update at almost 5 months since my last dose (so 10 months since I started my taper).

 

Physically, I'm almost entirely recovered. The few symptoms that linger are increasingly less severe and barely more than an occasional inconvenience.

 

Mentally, I'm healing. I struggle with executive functioning like decision making, memory, and concentration but I'm already much more sharp and present in my own life than when I was still taking Valium. I have been constantly amazed by the extent of cognitive damage that I sustained during long-term use, but I have every reason to believe that it will continue to reverse now that I am safely off.

 

Emotionally...well, that's the tough part. I've been hit pretty hard with post-benzo depression that has been pretty brutal. Winter makes it worse. I am coping pretty well though and really trying to just grit my teeth and get through it. The hardest part is how long it can take and trying to remember that this is NOT my new normal. Even my mood has just recently started to lift again, not entirely but enough to keep me believing that this new phase of withdrawal will also pass with time.

 

For those who follow along with my updates, I want to pass along some wisdom: Self-care is essential. Every tiny little bit of joy or relief is worth the effort. Routines can become survival skills. I learned a lot of coping skills during my taper that are really helping me right now..though of course I wish they weren't necessary.

 

This is so unbelievably hard, but it will have all been worth it when I'm out the other side.

 

Gwinna

 

 

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Hi Gwinna, thanks for your update, good to hear you're doing well mentally, but very sorry to hear about the depression  :'( You seem to have a very good attitude about how to deal with it  Positive self-talk and knowing it is not a permanent state is a great way to approach it.

 

I agree with you about taking care of yourself and like you, I've learned some very powerful skills over the course of this journey. The most valuable  (for me) has been finding and putting into action effective ways of dealing with stress (drug free). I have to say applying natural techniques have been much more effective than drugs. It's funny, tapering (I think) has completely turned me off coffee, another good thing no doubt.

 

Anyway, just wanted to chime in and wish you all the best.

 

Warm wishes 

Harmonee

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Hi Gwinna, be so grateful and amazed that you are where you are. I hope I can accomplish what you have and make it to your stage. I have a long way to go so you're progress gives me a lot of inspiration and hope. Depression is manageable, with exercise, meditation, doing fun things and socializing, and fake it till you make it. Lot's of love - J

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Hi Harmonee!  It's good to see you (so to speak), and I'm glad to see that you're doing well. I know what you mean about coffee, though I still cling to my one small cup most mornings. I used to drink WAY more before all this, we're talking 3-6 espresso shots a day. I think I must have been unknowingly trying to combat the effects of Valium, and now I no longer need to do so.

 

Jared! Glad you found your way here. I'm so glad that you're finding hope in my story. That helps me feel better too. I am incredibly grateful to be feeling better. Gratitude and positive thinking have gotten me a long way so far. Glad to be helping you with the same. Hang in there!

 

 

 

[[Ma...]]

You've got it Gwinna...you're going to be just fine. You've come this far, you can ride this last one out, I know you can 

 

Harnonee

 

Thanks. Harmonee. 

 

I slept for 8 hours last night! I feel much better today, and now I'm wondering how I could have felt such doubts yesterday. Windows and waves have my head spinning!  But progress is progress, and we're here to celebrate that. 

 

That's so good to hear Gwinna, you really do have this, congratulations 🍾🎉🎈

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Hi Gwinna, be so grateful and amazed that you are where you are. I hope I can accomplish what you have and make it to your stage. I have a long way to go so you're progress gives me a lot of inspiration and hope. Depression is manageable, with exercise, meditation, doing fun things and socializing, and fake it till you make it. Lot's of love - J

 

Hey Jared, so good to hear you're encouraged by Gwinna  she has such a great attitude 

 

I think your management recipe for depression goes a LONG way in helping come off benzos too  Just love it!! I can personally testify that recipe works, it is all about management like you say. Not always easy, but doable 

 

Hi Gwinna, you're a champ. Keep spreading the good word  Harmonee

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I am so much happier than I was before long-term Valium caused my health to deteriorate. I have more energy, more motivation, more creativity. I'm enjoying more job satisfaction and financial stability, I'm on better terms with my family and friends, I'm reading for pleasure more, I'm writing again, I even have better fashion and hygiene, colors are more vibrant, all those little details that I never noticed or cared about now keep my spirits up. I did a lot of deliberate reflection and self-improvement work during my five month taper. When it started, I couldn't even begin to imagine what my life would be like on the other side. I just knew that I had to do it if I wanted to reclaim my life. And it has been really, really hard. The windows brought some relief and provided these little glimpses of wellness, and while I'm not completely there yet I already feel better than I knew was possible. This forum has been such a lifeline, and the support from everyone here at BB is incredible. I'm so excited and relieved to have my life back. It gets better!

 

Gwinna

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I’m considering a daily microtaper now with liquid titration. I keep wondering how you managed such a fast taper. Should I attempt it before doing liquid titration and see if I can handle it. I get hit with insomnia and anxiety as big s/x.

[[Gw...]]

I’m considering a daily microtaper now with liquid titration. I keep wondering how you managed such a fast taper. Should I attempt it before doing liquid titration and see if I can handle it. I get hit with insomnia and anxiety as big s/x.

 

I attribute my relatively fast taper rate to several factors: supervision and guidance from a benzo-wise medical professional, a devoted husband to help me, a strong support network of understanding friends, an understanding workplace, lots of PTO and the ability to use it liberally and flexibly, no kids to take care of...basically I was able to devote myself entirely to making it through the day without losing my job. The season was another important factor because April - August was perfect for getting fresh air and sunlight. I ate healthier, read more, exercised regularly, kept a journal, and found hobbies all just to preserve my sanity. Marijuana has also been an absolute godsend for my ability to cope with the symptoms. Because I WAS symptomatic. Sure, I maintained basic functioning but doing so took everything I had for a while. Even with windows and waves I was basically acute the whole way down. But I got through it, and you will too.

 

I strongly considered doing DLMT instead of dry cut/hold. I don't know if I would have been less symptomatic - probably. I was very eager to be off and while I was determined to do it safely, I didn't put my comfort first. I figured I was going to feel lousy either way so I might as well get it over with. I said I'd do DLMT if things got too hard and then never needed to. I went only as slowly as I had to for things to stay tolerable. That was the right decision for me, and you'll figure out what works for you too.

 

Consider how much you are able to set yourself up for success.  Weigh your priorities - you've said you don't want to lose your career, your family, your finances. What is the bare minimum that will take? We can be ill, even very ill and for a very long time, without our world falling apart. It is possible, it can be done, and I have faith in you.

 

Take Care,

Gwinna

[[Ja...]]

Thanks