New to this benzo mess

[[wa...]]

Hi all,

 

I just posted a request for advice/suggestions/opinions on the taper board.  Hope some folks can help.  Not having horrible morning, but the distraction of working on the calculator and drawing little fractional pills and figuring out dosages does help keep the mind busy.  Slept ok (why can't I just stay asleep?  It's the best part of my day).  Having some windows, which is good.  I drove my car for a short distance yesterday (a few blocks to therapist's office, little street, no stoplights), which made me feel better.  I go to the dentist today, which I'm not looking forward to, but have friends going with me.  Not that he'll do anything painful, but I don't like the idea of being trapped in the chair, etc.  

[[wa...]]

Just want to let everyone know I am having a heck of a good window this morning.  I don't know why.  My morning anxiety has been significantly less, and my mood is a lot better.  My mind seems more like usual.  I cut a quarter pill yesterday.  Might be that I am feeling in a better mood from less side effects (I think the Klonopin depresses me pretty badly).  Or maybe it's just a good morning.  Anyway, I'm grateful for it. 

[[Be...]]

I'm so glad to learn your window is staying open.  There's nothing quite so encouraging as getting a glimpse of future normalcy while your body is detoxing from benzos.  Woooo, hoo! 

[[wa...]]

Ugh, massive depression and crying today....partly hormonal, due to the time of the month, but the Klonopin and the stress of all this stupid withdrawal stuff seems to be causing most of it. 

 

Plus, a good friend of mine and major support whom I talk to over the phone with might not be coming back to town as soon as I had hoped (he was going to come back in two weeks, but might be two months instead).  I miss him so badly.  Cried and begged for him to come back sooner, and he felt stressed and pressured over that.  I'm normally not like this.  I feel scared and miss my friend and all I know is that I want him back.  I didn't take care of myself that well today, so hope I don't feel that rotten tomorrow. 

[[Mi...]]

I'm so sorry you had a bad day yesterday  

 

I hope today is much better for you.

[[wa...]]

Thanks, Missy...it's been an up and down week. 

 

Today is day 5 of my most recent taper, and I'm getting morning worry/anxiety worse again, plus very bad depression.  Anxiety about my friend coming back soon or not (and probably leaving the state in 2-3 months) is really wearing on me.  I can feel the winter hitting too--the light is really fading fast (I live at a high northern latitude), and I have seasonal depression on top of all of this. 

 

I don't feel at ease with much of anything (the whole fact of life existing and other existential questions have been weirding me out, among other things--at least I'm not as obsessive with these thoughts like I was when I c/t the Ativan), I don't have faith in much of anything (though I pray anyway), and feel really bad.  I hate feeling detached/depersonalized, which I know is mostly from the benzo, but I tend to get stuck in my head anyway and turn inside, which doesn't do me any good.  I'm tired of feeling like an alien.  I really need to get out and connect with others and with normal life more, but the agoraphobia makes that so challenging, plus the benzo and w/d's makes me feel zombie-like, so it's harder to do so. 

 

I don't think I've ever felt this depressed before.  I'm staring down the long, cold, dark winter, I'm semi-stuck in my apartment because of agoraphobia (I'm ok to ride my bike around my neighborhood, and sometimes drive a few blocks, but have problems with getting out further by driving, the bus, or riding as a passenger in another's car), the Klonopin is making depression worse, and I'm worried about the withdrawals.  Plus, my friend who is like family and is my biggest support is probably leaving, unless he can find work in his field here in town so he can stay a longer  time while I go through this (please, I'm hoping and praying for that).  He is someone who is able to reassure me at my worst, and I trust him. 

 

Anyway, it is a beautiful sunny fall day outside, and I am going to go ride my bike and try to find some peace, at least get some daylight.  I'll probably start using my light box soon. 

 

Sorry for the rant, everybody, but it made me feel better to say something.  I don't really need any advice or anything...hugs and good wishes are welcome. 

[[Mi...]]

 

Sorry for the rant, everybody, but it made me feel better to say something.  I don't really need any advice or anything...hugs and good wishes are welcome. 

 

That's what we're here for!

[[wa...]]

Thanks, Missy.  I like your cute cat-on-the-pumpkin avatar, by the way. 

[[Pa...]]

You sound pretty miserable, and I don't blame you a bit for needing to let it out.  Gosh, I hope your friend will be able to stick around for you.  I'm glad you're able to get some sunshine, that seemed to really help me too.  I've heard others say they use light boxes, I thought I'd need one too, but when I healed, I found I didn't.  Life is pretty darned good when that happens. 

[[wa...]]

Bike ride made me feel a lot better, though I thought it wouldn't.  Nearly turned back home because I felt so awful and like I was going to break down and cry (I started to, several times), plus felt really zombified, and didn't want to be outside feeling like that.  Was feeling so despondent I was looking at all the "Warning: Thin Ice" signs around the lake and making note of the locations for this winter in case this stuff got way too bad. Yeesh.

 

But I kept going and did feel better after I rode around for a while and got the endorphins going.  I hate how I'm so up and down all day.  I hope the "up" stays for a while.  I'm actually having a bit of a windowlet now.  It's amazing how a few chemicals can screw you up or make your whole world better, you know?  I wish this stuff could be over a lot sooner...

[[Mi...]]

Thanks, Missy.  I like your cute cat-on-the-pumpkin avatar, by the way. 

 

Isn't she precious? Fall is my favorite time of year.  Unfortunately, I no longer live in an area where we get a true fall season with leaves turning and cold, crisp, sunny days

 

I'm glad the bike ride helped, and I'm hoping your window stays open for a while!

[[su...]]

Hello Want2beFree,

 

I see you cut on 9/17. Way to go. Hey, I live in Seattle so I understand the lack of light thing. Winters in the north are challenging. We have lots of clouds and rain. I have learned to enjoy the clouds. I find it calming.

 

We are here for you. I understand it can be difficult to go through this and get the support you need. All of us here understand that. We are here to support you. You are not alone.

 

How did you sleep last night?

 

Summer

[[Ho...]]

HI Want2bfree - I am Hoping2bfree - and while I am free of a daily Klonopin dose (I jumped at a little less than .125, which may have been a mistake) I am not free of the horrible side effects that have been my almost daily companion.  I am glad to see that you were having a little

window and I hope it gets bigger and lets all the sunshine into your soul.  This is a very disheartening thing to have to deal with - and like you I

have the anxiety that is off the wall, every morning and depression and also like you, I have those terrible thoughts about the meaning of life,

and all that goes with those kinds of thoughts.  I just wanted to stop by and say hello.  I have been benzo free since september 7 and the first

week or so wasn't too back, but this is day #16 and yesterday and today were very bad.  I just hate to keep wishing my life away but I just wish I could fast forward 3 months and hopefully avoid many days of suffering and just wake up being "me."  I hope you continue to improve and

that your taper goes smooth for you.  Mine didn't - I became tolerant to the .125 and my tapering days were so bad that I had to just get off of it.  Now I'm not sure I shouldn't have stuck it out - but when you compare one misery to another - they are still misery.  Good luck to you.

Love from Hoping

[[Be...]]

Hi Want,

 

Just dropping by to see how you are doing?

[[wa...]]

Thanks for all your supportive words, everybody.  I didn't sleep well last night...kept waking up sobbing, cried in my sleep, had bad dreams about my friend leaving, etc, sobbed this morning, etc.  I found out from him last night that he is coming back (he was working in another town for four months), but going to leave in 60 days, no matter how bad I am doing (unless he does get a job here in his field, which I'm hoping he does).  There are other complications--he is getting married, etc.  His fiance wants to see him, so it's not just him having to get a job--she won't budge on him staying any longer here while I get better.  He won't be coming back here.  I could live wherever he moves to, but I can't just up and leave.  I'm barely working on getting out of my apartment again, and I have all my mental health and other support here. 

 

So I'm preparing myself to accept the reality that I am losing a close friend and support that I have lived near for several years, and who I have known for 20 years.  He is basically my family.  I supported him and let him live at my place after his mom died so he could finish his degree.  He has been planning to leave the state for a long time, but I thought we were basically going to leave together, along with another friend--I just finished my degree too, and was planning on being able to go back to work, etc. 

 

I've been on SSI for many years, and had been trying to become independent, working on my agoraphobia, finished a college degree, was working with vocational rehabilitation, got my driver's license, and then....this all happened.  Not only did I relapse, but other scary stuff came up, and then, I got dependent on benzos with these nasty withdrawals.  And now my friend is leaving.  I feel like this wasn't supposed to happen like this.  Life is just too weird and upsetting right now. 

 

By the way, I live in Alaska, which is very dark and cold in the winter, and he is going to be leaving at the worst time.  Winter is not just depressing here, but physically taxing on the body.  And difficult to get around.  And I feel trapped enough now, so I worry if I don't get over the agoraphobia thing again by winter, it's going to be doom for me.  I'm also still going to be tapering off Klonopin.  I still have some supportive friends, but I feel like my life has just been torn apart lately, when I was trying to build some stability.  My life revolved around school, I had both my closest friends living less than a block away, had mental health and vocational supports in place. 

 

I'm sure others have had it worse, but I'm just shocked that my situation went from something promising to something frightening in just a matter of months.  I'm hoping it will work out.  I really hope my friend can get work here and stick around longer, and that I can get back on my feet again soon.

[[Ho...]]

Hello Want2bfree - Gosh I am sorry to read of all your sorrows - your friend leaving must be a terrible thing for you.  Have you always lived in Alaska?  It is good that you have your other kinds of support there, they are important for you....and look at the positives, you have a college degree that is quite an accomplishment.  But I do understand your feelings and then having to deal with the benzos besides all the normal

life challenges is pretty difficult.  Just take one thing at a time and deal with it.  Just take one day at a time.  Tomorrow the thing you worried about today, could be different.  But most of all, take care of yourself and do what you need to do for you.  I am hoping that your Benzo w/d

will go without any problems and you will be benzo free and then maybe things won't look as dark and hopeless to you.  Come on here often and let us know how we can help you......we are here for you.  Love from Hoping2Bfree

[[wa...]]

Thanks, Hoping2Bfree,

 

I've lived in Alaska for the last 12 years.  At least I've found out my friend is coming back for sure in a couple of weeks, and perhaps he might be able to be more flexible about staying a bit longer (I really hope).  Thanks so much for your support.  I hope that the rest of my w/d doesn't go too horrible.  I hope I luck out because I've only been regularly on stuff for a short time.  But I'm still trying to go slow.  It's hard because I tend to be a worrier anyway, and this stuff just amplifies it.  You're right; I need to take things one step at a time, one day at a time.  Thanks so much for your good wishes for a good recovery for me. 

[[Mi...]]

I'm sorry to read about your friend - I wish he could find a job there instead of moving.

 

I know it's not the same as having someone you can see and touch, but we are here for you and we will help you through your journey to freedom.

[[su...]]

Hello Want2befree,

 

I see you are having some life issues along with this benzo withdrawal. I understand. We really desire consistency. I feel the same way. I am glad your friend is coming back. I too hope he is able to find work and stay. I understand this is upsetting and the benzo thing on top of all of this too. We are here for you. We will be here to help you through.

 

I have found that when things get upsetting in my life while withdrawing from Klonopin, I try to do my best to be good to myself. Be gentle with myself. This is not an easy thing to experience. This is the most difficult thing most of us has had to manage in our lives. I know I was shocked when I found myself in this situation. We hear this a lot. Many of us did not know this could happen. I know you understand benzos so this is especially difficult. We will succeed. We will get through this.

 

Summer

[[wa...]]

Thanks, Missy and Summer.

 

I'm just trying to take it really easy today, and to relax and not worry, as much as I can.  Yesterday was like an emotional tornado--way too much uncontrollable sobbing, feeling doomed, etc.  I am trying to just focus on self-care and to worry as little today as possible.  Getting too upset only drains me and messes up my sleep.  I'm trying to focus on the fact that at least my friend is coming back, and other positive things. 

[[su...]]

Hello Want2befree,

 

Way to go! I am so happy to hear you are going to take today to relax and not worry as much. I think you are doing great.

 

When I have a day full of emotional sx's the next day is usually more calm. I have cried so much I was thinking of buying stock in Kleenex. I had one of those days yesterday. So, today I am having a crying day hangover. I am more relaxed and tired. I am taking time to rest as well.

 

How are you sleeping?

 

I am thinking of you,

Summer

[[wa...]]

Hi Summer,

 

Sleep was much better than the night before.  Had some anxiety thoughts in my sleep--hard to describe, but it's like when I'm asleep, my mind will obsess and try to figure out something puzzling or disturbing (usually some crazy existential thought or another).  Usually, that happens in the earlier part of the night, I wake up, think of something more soothing, and it goes away.  Other than that, sleep was good.  Woke up with usual morning anxiety in stomach, internal trembly feeling, and worry thoughts, but I just breathed deep and told myself that they are just benzo symptoms.  I did my best not to focus on overemotional things last night in order to calm down, so that worked ok. 

[[wa...]]

Now that I wrote my post about trying to stay positive and calm, I had a bike ride, and rode home in tears, thinking how many bad choices I've made in life, that stuff is just so horribly screwed up for me and that I should just start over, grieving over my close friend probably leaving in a few months and with me not being able to do anything about it, etc, etc.  Totally despondent.  God, this stuff is just the absolute pits.  A friend of mine is coming over to hang out and talk with me a while, so don't worry, all.  I just wish this wasn't so miserable.

[[Mi...]]

Now that I wrote my post about trying to stay positive and calm, I had a bike ride, and rode home in tears, thinking how many bad choices I've made in life, 

 

I think that's a road we've all been down at some time or another.  It can be very depressing  

 

I once read something that said, "It doesn't matter where you begin but how you finish" or something to that effect. It made me think that no matter my mistakes in the past, each day is a clean slate and although I may be suffering the consequences from some of those choices, I can make sure that I've learned from them and don't make similar mistakes in the future.

 

Were you able to have a good visit with your friend?

[[su...]]

Hello Want2befree,

 

I see you are having regrets about choices in our lives. I have that too. I so wish this Klonopin thing had not happened. How nice it would have been to have known. How nice to not have this happen in my life. Yet, I have been discovering that this experience has been and still is a good teacher. I have learned about myself and am more committed than ever to manage my anxiety in a non-drug way. I am also learning that it is okay to make mistakes. That I will have an opportunity to learn and maybe help others. I see you having all of these good things in your life too. Helping yourself and others.

 

I understand feeling a lack of control over your fiend leaving town. Those situations are really challenging. I hope you enjoy all the time you have with him and can find a way to keep him in your life even if it means writhing, talking on the phone, e-mail etc. We have more ways to keep in touch today.

 

We will get through this. How are you today?

 

Summer