18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[so...]]

Nova, nobody deserves complete healing more than you do.  You calm the fearful, you enlighten the lost, you soothe the anxious, you lift the depressed....Bless your pointed little head.

 

I'm so happy the cold is moving on to wherever colds go when they move on.  Hopefully not to inhabit some other unsuspecting host.  Ha!

 

You are really healing, Nova!  It's so heartwarming to watch you emerge from the darkness a little more every single day.  I've read all your posts.  You have suffered a long time, paid your dues, and now you are taking wing. 

[[No...]]

Drew ... hope you enjoy your outing tonight ... have a good evening ... I insist ... 

[[No...]]

Sofa ... those points on my head just might be the re-emergence of my horns ... 

[[so...]]

You made me laugh with the bootstrap comment.  My ex told me to "suck it up."  Pffft!

[[so...]]

I knew there was a devilish side to you.  Not the Satan kind.  More like Shakespeare's Puck.

[[so...]]

I'd really like to throw something tasty and easy in my crockpot tomorrow.  If you have any suggestions, I'm all ears. 

[[Si...]]

Hi Siggy ... hope you get some rest tonight ... 

 

Thanks me too! I'll try to turn in in 30 minutes. Don't feel very sleepy even though I only got about 3 hours last night.

[[so...]]

Siggy,

 

It's amazing how we don't sleep much, yet we can't feel sleepy when we want to.  I get that.

[[No...]]

Sofa ... I believe there may be a distinction between the experience of "being healed" and actively "healing myself" ...

 

And they seem to carry or require different "mindsets" ...

 

There came a point during my recovery, perhaps six months out or so, where I admitted, finally, that I was "sick" ... sounds a bit goofy, I know ... up until that point a felt I could get through anything, all I had to do was keep focussed, keep strong, not show "weakness" ... and that went on for perhaps two and a half years ...

 

And it came from the place that I had no help with the process in the beginning ... I sorted things out to the point that I knew the drug was the problem, found a process to get off the drug, and carried on ... I felt empowered ... strong ...

 

And it was exhausting to carry on in this manner ... and finally it wore me down to the point that I had no alternative but to give up my helpful but exhausting bravado or go back on the drug ... a crisis point ... and my bravado did carry me through the crisis, I refused to re-instate ...

 

And then a light bulb went on ... hey, my friend, you are sick ... start acting like it ... accept it ... simply put, be sick ... and I floundered around for a while until I really got the message and just "gave up" ... said, okay ... be sick ... and then I had to scurry around and gather up enough trust in this process to see me through for a while ...

 

For me, I had to turn a fear of helplessness into a positive experience of surrendering to the process ...

 

This one was out of my hands ... learning to trust my body took a while but I eventually got the message ...

 

This is what I often refer to as getting out of my own way ... there was only so much "I" could do ... this was really in the hands of my body ... and for us pseudo-type a's ... the get your arse up the mountain and quit whining about it types ... this was a bit of a hassle in the beginning ... and thankfully I was so exhausted that I could not put up much resistance ...

[[so...]]

Nova, I understand what you so beautifully just wrote about giving in to the process and getting out of your own way.

 

When it gets pretty ugly and I'm panting in bed, hyperdrive in overdrive, it helps when I quietly utter, "I don't give a sh*t anymore."  Not very poetic, for sure, but I find I can "release and let go" when I say it.

 

I've been doing this only recently and it has pulled me back onto the ship after standing at the end of the plank.

[[No...]]

Sofa ... yep ... standing on the end of the plank ... all that accomplished for me was to mess up the four hairs I have left ... 

 

And this speaks to my sense of trying to be "untangled" from the symptoms ... the whole sense of slowing things down ... going slow ...

 

So much of my distress came from the sense of things speeding up, the sense of things getting out of control ... a spiralling sense of futility and helplessness ... and here, I could intervene ... simply, go make tea and drink tea for a while ... change the channel ...

 

Didn't "fix" anything ... and did give some moments of respite for a while ... until the next storm ...

 

 

[[No...]]

Well ... almost 2 AM here ... time for this fella to shut down for a while ...

 

Be Well ... 

[[Mi...]]

Hope everyone is having a good wknd! 

 

Happy Birthday week Drew!  :happybday:

 

My wave is slowly calming!  Hoping to stay in the calm waters and soak up some sun for a bit!  Thank you all for the kind words during the storm! 

 

 

New symptom in month 20!  Thought I experienced them all!   

Out of the blue my face well just my cheeks get EXTREMELY HOT, and turn not only red but damn near purple!  No fever, sometimes only one side of my face sometimes both! So strange? Anyone else have/had this?  It's been one and off all wk! Just odd! 

 

Wishing everyone a peaceful nights rest! 

[[dr...]]

Hi all....well.......how was my show?  I felt like death for the first thirty minutes sitting in the theater w my clients and fiancé.  I used all my tools to calm myself down.  I eventually settled down and really enjoyed the show.  Towards the end stuff started to ramp again and during the curtain call I was frying and I almost burst into tears.  Not from fear but some crazy overwhelming feeling. 

 

After that I was stuck in a pack of people and was trying to hold it together.  My clients wanted to grab a drink and we had to walk ten minutes.  It was a walk of death.  I thought we were going to stand at a bar but they got a table.  I made fifteen minutes and had to excuse myself.  It was too much. They understood.  She actually suffers terrible anxiety.

 

All in all I don't feel too bad.  I had no panics but I was just so uncomfortable.  I used to be in a panic at the theater so I guess it's improvement but it still feels shitty that I can't do dinner and a show without my brain and body betraying me. 

 

Oh...sort of a victory that I had no panics because my right fingers felt like they couldn't move while I was going through all this.   

 

 

[[dr...]]

Thx Jen.  Glad your coming out of it.

[[...]]

Hi all....well.......how was my show?  I felt like death for the first thirty minutes sitting in the theater w my clients and fiancé.  I used all my tools to calm myself down.  I eventually settled down and really enjoyed the show.  Towards the end stuff started to ramp again and during the curtain call I was frying and I almost burst into tears.  Not from fear but some crazy overwhelming feeling. 

 

After that I was stuck in a pack of people and was trying to hold it together.  My clients wanted to grab a drink and we had to walk ten minutes.  It was a walk of death.  I thought we were going to stand at a bar but they got a table.  I made fifteen minutes and had to excuse myself.  It was too much. They understood.  She actually suffers terrible anxiety.

 

All in all I don't feel too bad.  I had no panics but I was just so uncomfortable.  I used to be in a panic at the theater so I guess it's improvement but it still feels shitty that I can't do dinner and a show without my brain and body betraying me.

 

 

Oh...sort of a victory that I had no panics because my right fingers felt like they couldn't move while I was going through all this.   

 

 

Drew, this is exactly how I was when I spent the day at York Uni with my daughter. We went to listen to a talk in a lecture theater and it took all my strength not to get up and leave. Had to self talk the whole time. Walking round amongst all the 'normal' people was a walk of death. It's too much stimulation for our poor nervous system. And yes it is a victory, and this is where I've found a massive difference in how I would feel like when I've accomplished something. I just don't feel it and need to recover from such events. Yes we should pat ourselves on the back, and I am very proud of you. It doesn't make it any easier and to me proves it is not just a normal anxiety response, it is a damaged self who is recovering from benzos. Does this make sense?

 

I am a bit all over the place today as yesterday I had to make 2 cakes as the first one went wrong and I ended up rushing around and not resting in between. I also may have ingested a little too much sugar as I did have to test everything. I have a tingly, spaced out brain and vibrating muscles, a little fatigue, dizzy and my breathing is not great, of course not forgetting benzo belly. I have family coming over later which I am not looking forward to. Again too much stimulation and a lack of understanding or maybe that's just my paranoia.

 

Nova I ingest every word you write. Your words are healing in themselves 

[[dr...]]

Yup marj....this ain't normal anxiety.  Even though I did well my confidence seems down again.  I am what iffing if I'm like this at my wedding. My fiancé said I did great, you excused yourself and it wasn't a big deal, and finally...if I'm like this at the wedding I can go upstairs and take mental breaks.  It may be that it's fresh on my mind and I only had four hours of sleep but I feel bad about what happened.  I also have a couple I invited over for my bfay dinner but now I feel like cancelling.  They are really easy going and know everything so hopefully I will feel better later.  Man oh man.

[[No...]]

Marj ... I believe you are correct ... this is not "normal" anxiety ... this is often "overload" anxiety ... for where we are in this process there seems to be a stretch of time when we just cannot "process" incoming information and stimulus as rapidly as it is coming in ...

 

That may speak to the "I have to get out of here response" ... and it is understandable that this will be experienced as "torture" ... I big word, I know, I just don't have a better one ...

 

So we often respond by just wanting to curl up in a ball and "shut it out" ... and often, unfortunately, we just cannot shut it out ... so ... perhaps distraction ... go slow ... change the channel ... let the storm be there as the storm it is ... and try to ignore it ...

 

And ... when we have to ... the old "fake it till we make" may be the most neutral thing we can do in the moment ...

 

We get through each day as best we can ... this is not our fault ... 

[[No...]]

Drew ... yep ... this stuff knocks our self-confidence for a loop ... oh, did I mention it ... you did a helluva fine job last night ... you participated and you looked after yourself ...

 

And ... yes ... you do have a special event on your horizon ... and the pudgy old prognosticator on the east coast says all will be well ... not "uneventful" ... just well ...

 

Enjoy this birthday time ... as best you can ... if a storm shows up you can borrow my s'wester hat ... keeps the rain off and looks cute ... 

[[Si...]]

Drew, glad you made it through the event without a full meltdown. Sucks that you were having a rough time. I hate that we have to alter our plans so much because of this. I'm sure your wedding will go smoothly.

 

Jen, glad you're coming out of your wave. Maybe it will be the last one. I've never heard of the cheek thing. Maybe someone else has?

 

Sofa, hope your night went ok.

 

I'm guessing green and coop have been to busy to be on. So that's good.

 

I went to bed at 1am. Thought I wouldn't sleep, but fell asleep relatively fast. 15-20 minutes. I only know this because my wife woke up when I got in bed. She fell asleep around 8:30pm though. So not in trouble for it! She's the one that told me how I went to sleep. Said that I was doing the hypnic jerk for a few minutes. She said she couldn't sleep from 1am to 4am so she knew I was asleep that whole time. One weird thing is she said I'd tense my body up and clinch my fists occassionaly. I don't remember that of course and don't remember any bad dreams. I'm still relaxing in bed. About to shower and then breakfast. I think I'm a little better than yesterday. Not hard to beat though as yesterday was brutally bad.

[[Si...]]

Nova glad your cold is passing. My cold from a few weeks ago passed in about a week too.

 

Marj glad you were able to make some cakes. What kind did you make? Did you're daughter have a good time reviewing the university?

[[dr...]]

Thanks all!!!

 

Sig-the clenching and stuff definitely goes on subconsciously.  I've started to do my PMR upon wakeup if I have time.  I notice my muscles and nerves are way more activated than I would have ever thought.  Have you tried the PRM?  Not a cure but another tool to help.

 

I got out and did my shopping for tonight. I figured I have to get right back on that horse cause I felt defeated even though in my heart I know it's not me being weak/anxious.  Really wasn't a bad experience and now I'm on my couch until later.

 

[[dr...]]

Just want to add thank god for this thread.  If not for all of us going through this I would have been wondering what the hell s going on this far out.

[[so...]]

Drew,

 

I know how hard you are on yourself.  From the outside looking in, you did beautifully last night, pushing through horrific physical discomfort, behaving with dignity, professionalism and class.  If those around you truly knew what was going on inside you while you endured all the withdrawal twists and turns throughout the evening, they would be shocked and would stand up and applaud you for doing something they could never have done themselves.  Bravo, my man!  Bravo!

[[so...]]

I want to thank Nova and Siggy for babysitting me last night, reassuring me, once again for the hundredth time, that I will heal, holding my head above water while I was drowning in self-doubt.

 

I cannot put into words how grateful I am to everyone on this thread for being life boats in pitch back stormy seas.  You have saved me, once again.  I'm still spitting out salt water, but I'm alive.

 

Thank you all.

 

Love, Sofa