18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[dr...]]

Just keep waking her up so she can join you in misery. 

 

I'm off to see phantom of opera w a client.  Ugh...had a headache for first time in two weeks so I guzzled a late coffee w Tylenol.  Headache gone but anticipatory anxiety through the roof.  Sleep well or sleep poorly as I do.  Til tomorrow

[[so...]]

I woke up at 3am this morning with heart palps, head whooshing and sky high anxiety.  My heart palps have stayed with me all day and my BP monitor clocked them at over 95 BPM.  How I don't have a full blown heart attack is beyond me.  I can tell I'm headed for another sleepless night.  Someone recommended Meditation Oasis #17 for sleep.  I can't seem to sleep with someone talking in my ear.  Now I'm getting the squealing tinnitus.  Too much fun for one person. 

[[so...]]

Drew, have fun at the "Opera."  Is that a CPAP mask he's wearing?  Sorry, everything looks like withdrawal to me.

[[so...]]

Siggy, do you just toss and turn all night?  That's what I do, plus have restless leg sessions.  Talk about stinky onion layers of symptoms.  Peel one layer and uncover a stinkier layer.

[[Si...]]

I have unfortunately woken her up many times. Not that I want to, but tossing and turning can do that. Hope the phantom is at least somewhat fun drew. I use to be able to drink caffeine at night and still fall asleep.

 

Some nights when I can't sleep I can lay somewhat motionless. Some nights I just get too restless and I'm all over the bed. If I'm in the bed with my wife, I try to be more still. I will usually get up after a few hours and either head to our downstairs sofa or I'll go to our guest bedroom futon. I tried getting up and reading or other stuff. But I never got sleepy and it would just make me even more tired. If I can't fall asleep I will usually get back up around 5am and get in bed to snuggle some with the wife before she gets up for work. Not fun at all. Never had any sleep problems before taking this garbage. Nice gift huh?

[[so...]]

Yep, the gift that keeps on giving.

 

Knock, knock.

 

Who's there?

 

Benzo.

 

Benzo who?

 

Benzo long since I've had a decent night's sleep I wouldn't know it if it bit me in the a$$.

[[Si...]]

Yep, the gift that keeps on giving.

 

Knock, knock.

 

Who's there?

 

Benzo.

 

Benzo who?

 

Benzo long since I've had a decent night's sleep I wouldn't know it if it bit me in the a$$.

 

Funny!

 

So what's your procedure for no sleep nights?

[[so...]]

My procedure is

 

1.  Lay on my right side in a fetal position and bounce up and down to the rhythm of my heart palps.

 

2.  Switch to my left side and listen to my head whoosh to the rhythm of my heart palps.

 

3.  Toss back to right side and flex my restless left leg 50 times.

 

4.  Turn back to my left side and flex my restless right leg 50 times.

 

5.  Get out of bed in the pitch black, slip on my tennis shoes, pace my backyard and smoke.

 

6.  Go back to bed.

 

7.  Repeat numbers 1-6 until it's light out.

[[so...]]

Nova is so reassuring and comforting, isn't he?  I want to put him in my pocket like a leprechaun and rub his head three times while he keeps telling me I will heal.  Too bad he's not a genie.

[[so...]]

Wow.  Just had a stabbing pain in my left temple.  WTH??

[[so...]]

Siggy, do you ever just get plain scared of all that's happening to you?  I do.

[[Si...]]

Yes all the time. This process is just plain frightening and brutal. I've had the stabbing pain before. All over my head in different places. Had one on the back of my neck a few days ago that was pretty scary.

 

Yep some of the people I this thread are great. They really helps lot when you're having issues.

[[Si...]]

I should say that I use to get on my iPhone or iPad some nights when I couldn't sleep. I quit doing that though as the light can for sure keep you from sleeping.

[[so...]]

I know I've read about no electronics 2 hours before bedtime, but when bedtime comes and you still can't sleep, what do you do?  All my books are on Kindle now.

[[No...]]

Well, good evening ... who's been rubbing my head? ... I'm all bald now ... 

[[Si...]]

Well, good evening ... who's been rubbing my head? ... I'm all bald now ... 

 

[[so...]]

Hi Nova.  Your ears must have been burning.  Since I've rubbed all the hair off your head, you'll have to point me to another body part.  Wait.  That didn't sound right at all.  Sleep depravity is not pretty.

[[No...]]

Sofa ... neuroplasticity is a known phenomenon ... and it has been hijacked like to many other natural phenomenon to lead folks astray and for the psuedo-gurus to make money ...

 

There is absolutely no scientific evidence that any exercises help with drug recovery ... none ... period ... zilch ...

 

The same with memory issues and dementia ...

 

The concept of neuroplasticity is certainly valid ... and it can give us reassurance that our brains can re-regulate to their non-drug normal state ... they do this by themselves with no known viable interventions on the part of the brain-holders ...

 

The useful interventions in the world of learning deficits are a proven phenomenon ... and ... this does not translate over into the world of being messed up by a drug ...

 

So much of this stuff regarding neuroplasticity and exercise during drug recovery is only coincidental happenstance ... and in some not so subtle ways another example of blaming the victim ...

 

Every day I stood on my head and spat wooden nickels ... and I recovered ... so ... there must be a connection, right? ...

 

We do what we can each day ... and we eventually get better ... in the meantime we can suffer a lot ...

 

There seems to be only one certainty regarding healing ... we get off the drug(s), we stay off the drugs(s), and we get better ... 

 

 

[[so...]]

Nova, you always bring me to happy tears.  Could you tell I've been sweating Frantastic's success story all day?  I've been pacing my backyard, flailing my arms in the air like an aerobic crow, raising my knees to my chin Gestapo style, in an attempt to heal my neurons.  My neighbors are getting quite a show.

 

Does the standing on your head spitting wooden nickels work?  Can I buy wooden nickels on Amazon?

 

I love you dear Nova.  I'm such an idiot.

[[No...]]

Regarding the experience of sleep deprivation ... some folks, myself included, spent a long period of time not sleeping with any consistency at all ... for me it lasted perhaps some 14 months during the later part of my taper and into recovery ...

 

And there was nothing I could do to get out of that pattern ... and ... as far as I can tell, I suffered no untoward consequences because of it ... and it gradually moved away ...

 

For quite a while I worried that I was being harmed in some way ... and then I realized I hadn't dropped dead after several months of it so maybe I should just try to ignore it and carry on ... and I was working full time during this symptom ... granted I did work from home and did not have day to day interactions that I could not avoid ... that was certainly a bonus for me ...

 

We do the best we can with the hand we have been dealt ... and we get better ... and it ain't pretty for some of us ...

 

The only thing I could "do" during this time was to try not to make the symptom worse by getting tangled up in it ... and I was often unsuccessful ... and regardless ... it went away on its own ... even the standing on my head and spitting wooden nickels didn't help with this one ... 

[[No...]]

Sofa ... we are not idiots ... we have been messed up by a drug, mostly through no fault of are own ... and we get better ...

 

We are not idiots ... we are captured in a phenomenon that is not "acceptable" ... does not "exist" ... can be "cured" ...

 

As one Buddy says so graphically ... we have been treated like lab rats ... and the lab rats have escaped their cages ... and they are revolting ...

 

And if walking in your yard ... in soothing poses helps ... then by all means walk and pose ... the moon probably will not fall out of the sky ... as for the neighbours ... you are getting your life back ... if they can't celebrate with you then they can turn away and mind their own business ...

 

Hmmm ... the genie is ranting a bit don't you think? ... 

[[No...]]

Hi Siggy ... hope you get some rest tonight ... 

[[so...]]

You are spot on about everything I've been doing, getting sucked into the vortex of negative thoughts that come out of nowhere, or from my pie hole, or from success stories that are full of advice I can't follow.

 

Exercise, get plenty of sleep, listen to music you love, paint by numbers, do jigsaw puzzles, dance--I CAN'T!  It's all too stimulating for me right now!

 

All these diets--no gluten, no dairy, no sugar, no caffeine, no corn, no peas, no grains, no alcohol, no red meat, no beans, no whey, NO WAY!  Starting at 107, I've been steadily and slowly gaining weight by eating all of the forbidden foods that taste good to me.  If I had a personal chef like you, I'd be golden, but I don't.

 

I guess I'm just trying to say, I'm doing the best I can and hoping it's good enough to heal myself like everybody else.

 

I love you for not judging me, or anybody else, Nova.  I love you for making me feel I can recover too, even if I'm not doing all the "right stuff." 

 

Thank you, Nova

[[No...]]

Well ... this little cold seems to be moving on ... felt pretty draggy all day ... slept all evening and am now up at midnight ... oh well ...

 

I seem to be doing pretty good ... I am having some sort of internal dialogue ... looking under things, peering into cupboards ... looking for symptoms ... and they seem to have scampered out of the light ...

 

Mostly what I am feeling these last few days is my body coming back on line ... bumps and blips without the storms ... still "convalescing" ... it has been a week now without any storms and "dynamic" symptoms ... may the good times roll ... 

[[No...]]

Sofa ... there is a humungous distinction between giving "advice" and telling your story ...

 

Back to the pot luck image ... speaking of food ... we each bring what we have to the table ... look around at what everyone else has brought ... take a nibble here or there, (a big bite if they are cookies) ... and move around the room chatting with friends ...

 

A large, large, thing for me during this process is/was self-doubt ... and it can be merciless ... and self-doubt can be "fed" on the dish of "comparison" ... a Buddy once told me all I had to do was pull myself up by my bootstraps and all would be well ... he forgot to notice that my feet were so swollen that I could not get my boots on ...

 

We don't "know" ... we "live" ... and I find so much of my sense of dignity mirrored in my interaction with others living their dignity ...

 

Job one is to get through this process ... there will be time for "convalescing" and to bring things back up to snuff afterwards ...