12-18 month support

[[je...]]

Hi Coop! How are you feeling? We seem to have a similar healing pattern with some really bad months in the 15-19 month range..

[[dr...]]

I'm waiting....

[[dr...]]

Where is that new thread already???

[[dr...]]

Hi all....seems my healing buddies ahead of me are doing so well.  I'm sorry us in the "hell bracket months" are all having a tough time.  I'm in bed w coffee.  Too early to tell how my day will be.  Last night I got two glutamate storms and sweaty around dinner time.  My day couldn't just be good all the way through . Oh well...that's in the books.  Head feels like a headache can visit but trying not to fret about it.  That's one of my recovery symptoms and we each have our own crappy ones. 

 

Nova-great on the job and tai chi.  You little zen master you

 

Coop and Jenny-nice updates.

 

Marj-yes...doing any chore can seem insurmountable.  My strategy is not to feel guilty delaying what i can and then when I have a good day get caught up as best i can.

 

Onward!

[[pe...]]

Hurray Jenny,

I'm so happy to hear it! I remember the friend thing for you in withdrawal, your certainty that you would always have a hard time making friends. That seems to have been a benzo lie. It's such a blessing to hear that things could be better in four more months. Thanks for reporting in and I'll PM you when nova gets the new thread up.

 

Peace2

[[No...]]

Hi ... Drew .. keep your covers on ... 

 

I just blanched and froze a pile of veggies ... never stick your hand in ice water to retrieve that last carrot piece ... just learn to let it go ... 

 

I will get the new thread up and running sometime later today ... need to relax from my morning labours ...

 

Good to hear the responses ... Onward ... 

[[dr...]]

Nova-you Blanche and freeze your veggies for later serving?  I. Interested as if I can make any step in eating veggies easier I'm all in.

[[Sk...]]

Hi Everybody,

 

I am at the library, using their wifi, with a dinky little laptop that is driving me crazy.

 

I have to leave shortly, just wanted to post  a short update.

 

My wavy days, are getting so much worse than  before. And my good days are full of painful anxiety.

 

I am without a house for the moment, we can't unpack the boxes yet. We are at a rented appartment and we are waiting to finalize the sale on our house, that will happen on Tuesday and then, in a couple of weeks, officially buy the house we will be moving in.

 

Our boxes are all there, just waiting.

 

The appartment, is nice, it's like being on a sort of holiday.

 

But there is still so much to be done.

 

I am always going to and fro, maybe that is sttressing me more than I realize.

 

I am sleeping a lot. A lot.

 

And then, when I wake up, I need a nap shortly after.

 

I realise many of you have the opposite problem. Maybe it's just the exhaustion from wd, not so much the move ?

 

But, I am not having a bad time, all in all.

 

Now, I just  wish my heart would quit pounding this way.

 

Two nights ago, it was so bad, I woke up in a puddle of sweat. It felt like in acute, when my heart sounded like a bongo in the next room !

 

Of course, I have my worries, I worry about not being able to work and losing all the business I have built until now.

 

In the meantime, I have been writing some articles, that hopefully will be published in november/december.

 

Who knows how we will be then ?

 

Anyway, these articles, the writing helps me distract and soothe me. And they will help me get more and better business.

 

 

So this is all for now.

 

The library is about to close and that is the end of the Internet for today.

 

Maybe today I am more scared than usual. I don't have a condition for which a digital sabbatical might be advisable. It can be scary not to be able to log on the forum and vent whatever creepy crawly symptom rears its head.

 

Everybody, you are always in my thoughts.

 

Beulah, Drew, Sofakingdone, Coop, Nova, Green,  Marj, hope things are going better today.

 

Jenny, nice to hear your update !

 

I hear you want to change house here ! So, I will not only be moving in real life but also in my virtual life.

 

It's fine with me, I can see the  many good reasons for this move.

 

Just make sure you Pm me with the link, this is the only part of the forum I visit.

 

Btw,  I disagree, at 22 months out we are not protracted.

 

Protracted is having symptoms like in acute at 22 months out, and I don't see anybody here that fits this description.

 

Have to go now, my Internet time is up.

 

These are hard days for me, please send me some positive thoughts my way. Now and then, I get dark thoughts that threaten to take up more space in my day.

 

I am fighting as much as I can to keep them at bay. Understandable, after all, I am not only changing house but town as well.

 

Speak soon ? Hope so !

[[Co...]]

Peace...thanks for the suggestion of reframing our thread.  I really love it that we are moving the flag as a group and Nova is carrying the flag.  We have all come such a distance with and for each other... It is only because of my friends here that I have stuck with this for 22 months....In a million years I wouldn't have imagined this would be a 2 year or longer trek. I have pretty much stopped looking at time and am trying to simply look at is as living as life is now....with some faith that life will continue to heal.  You have been such a strong and supportive presence here MightyGirl.  always telling it like it is, present and honest about both your struggles and your improvements with wonderful wit and metaphor, supporting others even when you are miserable yourself. I always look forward to your posts.  Up the hill we go....another 500 feet....

      coop....

[[Co...]]

Hi ... Drew .. keep your covers on ... 

 

I just blanched and froze a pile of veggies ... never stick your hand in ice water to retrieve that last carrot piece ... just learn to let it go ... 

 

I will get the new thread up and running sometime later today ... need to relax from my morning labours ...

 

Good to hear the responses ... Onward ... 

 

......Lol....Yes, Drew.....take your time with that coffee and " keep your covers on".  Drew, there absolutely does seem to be a sneaky hidden landmine of ' in the pits of hell....or acute 2.0 towards the end of healing. .  I so hope your headache dies before it has a chance to bloom.....I am still drinking my coffee too.  I just refuse to give up the one small creature comfort left to me... Wishing you a good day Drew.  .coop

[[Ko...]]

Jenny,

 

Thanks for your update. It gave me hope that I am getting better and all this pain and agony will go away soon.

 

I'm so happy you are feeling better & enjoying life again.

 

 

Korbe

[[Co...]]

Sky.....transitions are such a crap shoot..  I am sure that not having your own laptop or computer available at the call is disorienting as it your avenue to your work and your bridge to our thread. That would set me off course. It also sounds like you actually have 2 moves going on....one to the apartment and another to the new house in a couple of weeks..  that's a lot if disruption Sky.  I think you are handling it all with strength and grit. Sorry that your heart is pounding away.. .wish they made chest mufflers so we wouldn't have to be aware of every heavy thud thud.  These are hard days for you....and they will settle again...I am so impressed that you are able to write articles.  I am operating at maximum to write posts.

.....I will be happy for you to get your computer back on your own turf..  We will leave you messages so when you go to open up your library account dome friends will be on to greet you..  You are not alone or separated from us..  I am not surprised that you are sleeping more often..  it's pretty monumental what you are going through... 

    We love you Sky and are thinking of you and supporting you through this hard time..  Is your bike unpacked?..  Wishing you big sunbreaks and a walk through your new community...

      coop

[[je...]]

Sky-- great to hear from you! I think all things considered you are doing remarkably well! Sleep is a good thing, so if your tired and can actually sleep I say go for it, and enjoy

[[je...]]

Hurray Jenny,

I'm so happy to hear it! I remember the friend thing for you in withdrawal, your certainty that you would always have a hard time making friends. That seems to have been a benzo lie. It's such a blessing to hear that things could be better in four more months. Thanks for reporting in and I'll PM you when nova gets the new thread up.

 

Peace2

 

 

Thanks Peace! Miss you my friend 💕

[[...]]

Hi guys,

In about a week I will be at the 2 year mark... I have to say I've seen huge improvement in the last 2 months, things are clearing up. The biggest change I've noticed is my motivation and interest in life has returned. I thought I was through the worst of my depression about 6 months out, but looking back and feeling the way I do now I can see that I was in a low grade depression for a long, long time. I wasn't interested in anything, didn't really want to go anywhere or do anything just a very blah mood. I'm now excited about life again, getting back into old hobbies, recently just made some new friends. I did have a small wave about a week ago, but nothing as bad as it used to be and it was only for about 3-4 days. Just want you all to know, it really does get so much better, so keep going!! Jenny💕👍

 

 

 

Jenny, this means so much. When you feel like you're on your last legs and just can't do this any more. You post this to restore some hope. So much of how you were is me right now. I've just read your post to my daughter and she said, see, this will be you soon. I often read your blog as you used to sound so much like how I am. I'm so happy or you and am having belief in healing again. Good riddance to your blah 

[[je...]]

Hi marj,

You are in those really tough months, but it all seems to settle around the two year mark. It seems healing seems to get worse right before big healing takes place. Keep going!

[[Gr...]]

 

Green.  Yep, we are in the same place , yet again....sx are the same. It is so much easier to reconcile sx when we don't feel that we are the only ones with a specific sx....or return of sx.

    I am not having any real palps. Anxiety was very manageabke.... until today.  Back to spooky acute like anxiety with spaciNess and d/r.  hung on all day. Health fear at about 12 on a scale of 10. I had my follow up for the swallow test.  Some spasms and moderate suspected inflammation..  .aaannnd..  an enlarged lymph node outside the chezt/stomach wall..  most likely a lypoma ( fatty tissue)...completely non-threatening, but because I have had a cancer dx I have to have it biopsied... not sedation biopsy...it's so close to the surface it just needs needle biopsy. Nothing about that really bothers me. It's 99.9% not cancer and won't require medication for diagnosis.. so I am goid with that.  My anxiety today is all w/d. ....all irrational...all the same old health fears just so intense today. I took 12 mg of atenolol before my appointment so I wouldn't have to hear the bp lecture. My bp jumps up to about 170/90 when I go to the doctor....comes right back down to 115/70 when I leave. It worked very well...my bp hasn't gotten past 100/58 all agternoon. I am drinking water with a little salt, eating, moving around alot and trying to stay busy, but I am so lethargic and dizzy and fogged ....waiting for the cog fog to fade..  I know it's the atenolol, it usually doesn't wipe me out this entirely but I haven't taken it for weeks....It will fade

      The anxiety is discouraging, it hasn't been like this in a long time. I know it will let up... in the mean time I am.spaced out living from my bed.....onward....Remember when we were 30 and could just bully our bodies into following commands

  We are healing and our bodies will catch up.. ...

 

Did you read Peace's post. She had a good followup on how helpful it is to follow along in real time with buddies who are in the 18- 30 month time frame. I agree with you Green.. it is so helpful to SEE on a daily basis how people are getting from month 18 to healed....as opposed to just seeing a summation months later in the Success stories. I love the success stories but I also want to know how they moved onward in the last months of healing. Peace was wondering about an evolution of our thread to 18-30 months. What are your thoughts?.  I think we transitioned pretty easily to 12 -18 months . I like the idea but I am happy either way.. It would be a service to those coming behind us to see what 18-30 months looks like during healing.  I like it better than thinking of moving myself over to the protracted board. I am protracted at this point, but I want to stay with as many friendships here as possible...no matter what we decide

    How was your energy today?  ...Tomorrow is another day closer...today is another day done.. that's all the positive I have...  ..coop

 

Coop, what a good, thoughtful post.  You said so much.  the physical symptoms are frustrating.  Because my mind is so clear now, I benefit tremendously from learning this has happened to someone else, this is the healing.  That's what I got from Baylissa, that she had spoken to 7000 people in withdrawal and where I was at was completely normal, nothing I complained about concerned her.  and I feel she was being honest.  Already I can feel my sleep pattern slowly righting itself, as she said it would.

 

But you're so right, there's a tendency in success stories to skip over this part of the healing, this part after 18 months, and there are significant issues here, which I think if we knew enough to expect it, it would be easier to handle.  However, in Baylissa's memoir, she did say, after mental started to resolve at 18, she was still going to bed with waves at month 23, and then she healed at 24.  And Lostdog said the exhaustion and apathy was the last to go.  And I remember Jenny said for the longest time she felt she was getting worse instead of better, she had POTS listed as a main symptom for month 22, which I'm really struggling with.  So I guess we're healing along as expected.

 

As far as changing the name of the thread, 18-30, I think it's a good idea, esp. in light of what I'm complaining about, a lack of info for people this far out.  On the one hand, it's scary for those in the early phases of healing, at the same time it's reassuring for those of us this far out.  If you had told me when I started this, early in acute when I was crazed, I couldn't have handled it.  But we get so much better along the way that we do handle it.  The word protracted strikes fear in everybody's heart, but if you read the protracted pages, many of those people are fairly functional, have jobs, have one remaining symptom, like maybe insomnia.  Some are drinking or taking psych drugs, which I believe, for me, anyway, would def. interfere with my healing.  and some are just legitimately taking longer to heal. 

But we're already at the two year mark.  We're through the worst of it.  And the definition of PAWS, is protracted acute withdrawal syndrome.  we are already protracted.  I remember realizing this a long time ago.  The fear is in the word, the label.  but that's what we are.  when we didn't recover within a few months after jumping -- that train has already left the station.  If you're here, you're on the two year plan, give or take some months either way, on either side of 24 months. 

 

So as far as changing the name of this thread, which I think I read on some of the posts, I'm for it. But I would like to change the name, and not move to another location, if that's at all possible.  I can't handle another move, lol.

 

What does everyone else think?

[[Gr...]]

Hi guys,

In about a week I will be at the 2 year mark... I have to say I've seen huge improvement in the last 2 months, things are clearing up. The biggest change I've noticed is my motivation and interest in life has returned. I thought I was through the worst of my depression about 6 months out, but looking back and feeling the way I do now I can see that I was in a low grade depression for a long, long time. I wasn't interested in anything, didn't really want to go anywhere or do anything just a very blah mood. I'm now excited about life again, getting back into old hobbies, recently just made some new friends. I did have a small wave about a week ago, but nothing as bad as it used to be and it was only for about 3-4 days. Just want you all to know, it really does get so much better, so keep going!! Jenny💕👍

 

Jenny, so happy to hear this, that healing is happening.  Maybe that's how it goes, more gradual?  You just slide into healing and barely notice it happens.

 

Remember cooking up this thread, while we were still on the 6-12?  And what a Godsend it was.

[[Gr...]]

Hi Everybody,

 

I am at the library, using their wifi, with a dinky little laptop that is driving me crazy.

 

I have to leave shortly, just wanted to post  a short update.

 

My wavy days, are getting so much worse than  before. And my good days are full of painful anxiety.

 

I am without a house for the moment, we can't unpack the boxes yet. We are at a rented appartment and we are waiting to finalize the sale on our house, that will happen on Tuesday and then, in a couple of weeks, officially buy the house we will be moving in.

 

Our boxes are all there, just waiting.

 

The appartment, is nice, it's like being on a sort of holiday.

 

But there is still so much to be done.

 

I am always going to and fro, maybe that is sttressing me more than I realize.

 

I am sleeping a lot. A lot.

 

And then, when I wake up, I need a nap shortly after.

 

I realise many of you have the opposite problem. Maybe it's just the exhaustion from wd, not so much the move ?

 

But, I am not having a bad time, all in all.

 

Now, I just  wish my heart would quit pounding this way.

 

Two nights ago, it was so bad, I woke up in a puddle of sweat. It felt like in acute, when my heart sounded like a bongo in the next room !

 

Of course, I have my worries, I worry about not being able to work and losing all the business I have built until now.

 

In the meantime, I have been writing some articles, that hopefully will be published in november/december.

 

Who knows how we will be then ?

 

Anyway, these articles, the writing helps me distract and soothe me. And they will help me get more and better business.

 

 

So this is all for now.

 

The library is about to close and that is the end of the Internet for today.

 

Maybe today I am more scared than usual. I don't have a condition for which a digital sabbatical might be advisable. It can be scary not to be able to log on the forum and vent whatever creepy crawly symptom rears its head.

 

Everybody, you are always in my thoughts.

 

Beulah, Drew, Sofakingdone, Coop, Nova, Green,  Marj, hope things are going better today.

 

Jenny, nice to hear your update !

 

I hear you want to change house here ! So, I will not only be moving in real life but also in my virtual life.

 

It's fine with me, I can see the  many good reasons for this move.

 

Just make sure you Pm me with the link, this is the only part of the forum I visit.

 

Btw,  I disagree, at 22 months out we are not protracted.

 

Protracted is having symptoms like in acute at 22 months out, and I don't see anybody here that fits this description.

 

Have to go now, my Internet time is up.

 

These are hard days for me, please send me some positive thoughts my way. Now and then, I get dark thoughts that threaten to take up more space in my day.

 

I am fighting as much as I can to keep them at bay. Understandable, after all, I am not only changing house but town as well.

 

Speak soon ? Hope so !

 

Sky, hang on, we'll all be here when you get back.  And I'm sleeping 9-10 hours at a stretch, waking up exhausted, and have soaking sweats alternating with cold.  so the covers are on and off again.  haven't had that for awhile.  I'm impressed, writing articles.

[[Gr...]]

I have to get to the recycling center before it closes.  cant finish reading.  Nova, you have my vote.  don't move without telling me!

[[Te...]]

Can I ask what does POTS mean?

 

TM

[[No...]]

Okay folks, the new group thread is up and running ...

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=141544.0

[[No...]]

TM ... I do not have an understanding of POTS ... others have mentioned it and hopefully they will reply ...

 

It may be confusing for a day or so ... the currently active members of this group have decided to "move" to the next thread in this series ... the 18 - 30 month group ...

 

the url is ... http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=141544.0

[[No...]]

I pm'd most of the folks that I think are active ... and I have probably missed some of them ... sorry ... see you on the next thread ...

 

18 - 30 month group ...

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=141544.0

[[Gr...]]

Can I ask what does POTS mean?

 

TM

 

TM, i'm not sure what the acronym stands for.  It's the same as what I call orthostatic intolerance, or OI.  which means when you stand up, you feel woozy, very uncomfortable standing up, feels like extreme low BP, and as soon as you get horizontal you feel better.  which sucks.  because it causes a lot of bed time and couch time.  It's like you're body doesn't want to be vertical.

 

I have gotten it really bad, and it does pass.  sometimes the sucker comes back, but it does pass.